To be honest, I never thought that this post would even come into being and that I would be able to write what I am about to say about myself. Despite being on the forum for some time and reading articles about psychopathy and recommended books such as Political Ponerology, Mask of Sanity and a few others, and a whole lot of posts describing the behavior of psychopathic world elites, it was a shock to me to discover only 2 weeks ago that I have been living with a narcissistic and disturbed person for 50 years. I started watching YouTube channels of various psychotherapists who describe the behavior of narcissistic people and it was as if a bolt of lightning suddenly struck me because what I heard 100% and exactly referred to my mother. For as long as I can remember, I have been haunted by a huge sense of guilt and fear, a complete lack of self-confidence and the conviction that I never deserve anything good in life, which accompanies me all the time and it is as if someone had placed a huge burden on my heart and was constantly pressing it. My trauma is very strong and does not completely go away after undergoing psychotherapy at the age of 25, and what is important is that throughout this time to this day I have lived with a parasite under the same roof, although I have my own family. The scale of manipulation, invented dramas, constant criticism of me no matter what I did, lies, slander is unimaginable for a person who has not experienced it. Throughout childhood and adolescence I fought a huge battle with myself, because I was not able to love my mother and father like my friends, who talked about how cool their parents were, and again I saw all the blame only in myself. I was never too good to deserve any love from my parents and their demands have always been too much for me, and when I achieved something my mother's expectations grew again and I was still unable to meet them. I did very well at school, I followed all her instructions to the letter, I even did more than she wanted, I rose to the heights of my abilities as an 8-year-old, then a 10-year-old and as an adult man, but I was unable to bear her adult life problems, which she burdened me with, sometimes at work, sometimes in the family, sometimes in her environment. This enormity of her problems, which she burdened me with for all these years, and which I was unable to solve for her as a child, caused me constant tension, enormous stress for very long years, which accompanied me permanently, and I did not understand what was happening to me psychologically.
It was only recently that I became convinced that a narcissist uses various tricks so that the victim would never leave him, and I remember for a long time the invisible force that kept me in the family home, despite the inner voice telling me: move out. I have always been convinced and manipulated not to build my own house, apartment, because it is unnecessary, redundant and bad, and I already have a finished house built by my parents and in my old age I will be able to give my mother a proverbial glass of water and take care of her. According to her words, building this house cost her so much strength, sacrifice, work, money, care that leaving it would be almost equivalent to a sin, and in her opinion no one suffered as much as she did and suffered so many sacrifices in the entire Galaxy,
I think.My story begins 50 years ago when I was born and when I was 6 months old my mother gave me up to be raised by my grandparents (father's parents), who lived a few kilometers away, and she and my father lived separately while building our house. They never had a car, so apparently they visited me at my grandparents', but I don't really remember it, although yes, I saw them a few times.It was only years later that I understood how much she hated children and people who were unable to follow her orders and categorically comply with what she wanted. Suddenly, at the age of 5, she tore me away from the idyll and the surroundings I lived in, because they built a house and we could move in. She literally took me like her property and something that you could take, give away and do whatever you wanted with. It was 1979.
The shock caused by the change of environment and the way I was treated by my own parents, whom I didn't really know, was indescribable. I literally felt like I was in a military barracks and only the orders given by the commanding officer, i.e. my mother, mattered.She was cold, haughty, absolutely intolerant of any criticism, and everything had to be done immediately and exactly the way she wanted it.The most interesting thing is how she subjugated my father, who was quite a tall and strong man and is still subordinate to her today, even though he is 77 years old. He does all her chores except cooking.I noticed that my father, partly out of fear of my mother, partly for peace of mind, partly to relieve his frustration, had been using physical punishment against me and my brother for a dozen or so years, beating us with a leather belt until my butt and legs were blue and blue and I didn't scream out loud because it hurt so much. The words of my mother were interesting, she was happy about this fact and she said to me when I was being beaten: oh you see how it is, how good it is, you see how you got hurt, and I told you not to laugh and don't be happy now, because in a moment you might cry and that's what actually happened. I wasn't allowed to laugh or be happy, so I wasn't happy, although sometimes I wanted to.I never knew in what mood my parents would come back from work and what might happen in a moment, so the beatings were at unexpected moments and there was no one I could complain to or ask for help, and I had nowhere to run.I remember my mother advising my father not to hit me on the back with a belt because it could damage my kidneys, only on the butt and legs, because someone might be interested. The biggest crime according to my mother was taking matters outside our home, because she was the one who created the image of our ideal family outside, according to her. The vulgar insults that I heard from my mother throughout my childhood about myself, that it was all my fault, that I was a bad child, that she had to suffer with me, that she had the right to me and could do anything with me, that she had such bad children many times are not suitable for mentioning here, but I had suicidal thoughts many times. From the age of five in my family home I felt like a wild animal that constantly had to hide, it was not certain when the punishment would come, whatever I did could result in emotional coldness, ignorance, disapproval or beatings. When I was maybe 10 years old, often sobbing and crying she would say to us (me and my brother): it's because of you sons of bitches that my heart hurts, it's because of you that I'm going to die soon and you're going to finish me off, and I took it deadly seriously and although I did everything and even more than I could, I was always that bad and ungrateful child. She never had heart treatment from any doctor, but she invented various imaginary diseases and liked to burden my conscience with them, and she does this to this day, although it doesn't affect me as much anymore.To make it interesting, my mother reached a high management position in the company while she was still working professionally and held it for many years, which shouldn't surprise anyone here.
She forced me to go to church, she forced my family, trying to influence my wife, although we don't feel such a need and if someone feels like praying, they can do it at home.I would only like to help myself and other people with my writing, who have similar or much worse experiences in life, and to give them encouragement and courage to always fight for themselves, for their independence, for their free will, which is constantly being disrupted and violated, and the dawn for the world will come soon.
