highmystica
Jedi Master
I'm not sure where to post this, but I guess in most ways this is the most appropriate place ...
I just had a very unusual experience, I just cried, which at this point is a good thing ... maybe I should take a step back ...
After my last ex and I fell apart - I was simply put hysterical - only once before had I felt that kind of turmoil, but it was very different - the first time I felt it was when I lost my high-school romance and fiancee to a psychopath - this more recent time was because of slowly confronting each and every lie my most recent ex - well, she lied to me more than I thought was humanly possible, and well both points in my life aren't easy to explain or describe - I still have too many thoughts and it is still very unorganized in my head ... needless to say, being so manipulated in the land of romance certainly without a doubt, has affected me. Now, without going into all the details of what happened with my more recent ex I laughed and cried in random hysterical fits until I couldn't laugh or cry anymore. Ironically my dad's sudden rebirth of wit finally gave me a laugh (the first laugh I had in over a year) I had been feeling simply numb. Like my emotional spectrum was cut in half on both sides, and also leaving me numb in the middle. Well I can see why what my dad said was funny. But today I finally cried. I have never had as much trouble crying until today ... well, that is only partially true - I had been so sad for like a half year after the events ended with my ex that I was terrified in my inability to cry - I always found such strength and truth in crying, I guess that paradox of crying over someone elses lies messed with me somehow. Anyway, what made my tears this night so difficult (aside from my inability to cry for so long) was simply that it made no sence. So anyway I wandered down to the mailbox half an hour ago and after I got back to my house and saw what I recieved in the mail did I start feeling off. Nevermind the bills and what not, there was this envelope I got from the PVA (paralyzed veterens of america) it was a calender - no biggie, but there was a picture on the outside of a baby kitten and a puppy on a log with greenery in the backround - perhaps this sounds stupid but it made me cry and it has taken all my ability to not fall into absolute ... er, well I'm crying now, but it's like this dam is breaking, but for the life of me I don't get it - why? I've always found strength in my ability to release my feelings so, but I always knew why I felt the way I did at any given time, and for a long time I missed my own laughter as well as my tears ... it just makes no sence though - it isn't even a good picture, nor is it moving, but for some reason it has reduced me to a point that is simply irrational - for so long I was hollow inside and I knew it, I spent what time was alotted to me to ya know fix things and life for once has been helpfull in all ways and perhaps this too goes with that - I did so miss the full range of emotion I once had, but ... well. Why should I cry finally for the first time in over a year because of an randomly seen picture of a kitten and a puppy - sheesh - it sounds so stupid to me and it makes no sence. I ask those of you who finally got your feelings back after dealing with a psychopath to offer any insight as to why this might be ...
I just had a very unusual experience, I just cried, which at this point is a good thing ... maybe I should take a step back ...
After my last ex and I fell apart - I was simply put hysterical - only once before had I felt that kind of turmoil, but it was very different - the first time I felt it was when I lost my high-school romance and fiancee to a psychopath - this more recent time was because of slowly confronting each and every lie my most recent ex - well, she lied to me more than I thought was humanly possible, and well both points in my life aren't easy to explain or describe - I still have too many thoughts and it is still very unorganized in my head ... needless to say, being so manipulated in the land of romance certainly without a doubt, has affected me. Now, without going into all the details of what happened with my more recent ex I laughed and cried in random hysterical fits until I couldn't laugh or cry anymore. Ironically my dad's sudden rebirth of wit finally gave me a laugh (the first laugh I had in over a year) I had been feeling simply numb. Like my emotional spectrum was cut in half on both sides, and also leaving me numb in the middle. Well I can see why what my dad said was funny. But today I finally cried. I have never had as much trouble crying until today ... well, that is only partially true - I had been so sad for like a half year after the events ended with my ex that I was terrified in my inability to cry - I always found such strength and truth in crying, I guess that paradox of crying over someone elses lies messed with me somehow. Anyway, what made my tears this night so difficult (aside from my inability to cry for so long) was simply that it made no sence. So anyway I wandered down to the mailbox half an hour ago and after I got back to my house and saw what I recieved in the mail did I start feeling off. Nevermind the bills and what not, there was this envelope I got from the PVA (paralyzed veterens of america) it was a calender - no biggie, but there was a picture on the outside of a baby kitten and a puppy on a log with greenery in the backround - perhaps this sounds stupid but it made me cry and it has taken all my ability to not fall into absolute ... er, well I'm crying now, but it's like this dam is breaking, but for the life of me I don't get it - why? I've always found strength in my ability to release my feelings so, but I always knew why I felt the way I did at any given time, and for a long time I missed my own laughter as well as my tears ... it just makes no sence though - it isn't even a good picture, nor is it moving, but for some reason it has reduced me to a point that is simply irrational - for so long I was hollow inside and I knew it, I spent what time was alotted to me to ya know fix things and life for once has been helpfull in all ways and perhaps this too goes with that - I did so miss the full range of emotion I once had, but ... well. Why should I cry finally for the first time in over a year because of an randomly seen picture of a kitten and a puppy - sheesh - it sounds so stupid to me and it makes no sence. I ask those of you who finally got your feelings back after dealing with a psychopath to offer any insight as to why this might be ...