Things on my mind - PS: not of global concern.

[luke wilson]

Hey guys, got a couple of things on my mind!

Spirit Attachments

I know a lot of people are superstitious and they well and truly believe in nefarious spirits that do all sorts of stuff to us. Being honest here.... I don't actually believe in spirit attachments. I believe in unresolved issues that get acted out but not in some foreign body - "spirit" - attached to you somehow, making you do stuff!

So, first question, anyone who believes in this sort of stuff.... why? is it superstition?

Aliens

I totally believe aliens exist and even I can stretch my mind to thinking of them as hyper-dimensional and that they control the world through psychopaths. What I don't believe in though, is abductions! I for one don't actually believe I have ever been abducted. I have never experienced any 'abduction-related' missing time or any such similar stuff... Though every now and again I spot fine cuts on my body that I'm not sure where they come from.... ALIEN ABDUCTIONS?

Should one be concerned by their non-belief in alien abductions?

Emotions

It has become painlessly obvious that the way the body perceives emotions is 'alien' to me.

Whatever I feel, I usually attribute it to myself through simple narration, making sense of the feeling. E.g. if I feel happy, it's because I'm content or did something to make myself happy, if sad, it's because I'm depressed and not dealing with life properly e.t.c. However, every now and again, I notice that some emotions that I feel aren't mine! How? Because you might feel something, think something... then you find out someone around you has been feeling the exact same way and they have a similar story. Now this is not scientific or anything, or replicable on demand, BUT, I swear, it's true and other people have posted on the forum about similar things. The big problem is that there is no way of telling... I've no idea if what I'm feeling is me or uhmm, another persons stuff! This obviously becomes a HUGE problem when you are trying to deal with stuff following emotional cues...

Like this past week... I've been feeling very sad. Very gloomy. Dark. Heavily weighed upon. OMG, you can't believe the narratives I've run, about how everything in my life is just plain wrong... but then it occurs to me that, how am I to tell if this is my feeling? How are you meant to take action based on feelings that could be not even yours... Sure, I have reason to be sad, gloomy and all that. But then I also have reason to be happy, cheerful and joyful. I have good reason to feel pretty much anything at anytime.

Now, question time.... I know others have the exact same play of emotions... any word out there on what this is all about?

Action in Life

My personal experience of life is that well, I'm not really driven naturally. To put it in another way, I don't care. Not the 'I don't care' in terms of energy exertion (i.e. the you say it but you really do care!). Rather the 'I don't care' in terms of 'I'll just let it play itself out'. I've truly looked for that drive... every now and again I can find it due to a shock but most of the other times, I'm dangerously, and that's not putting it mildly, dangerously lazy. Not the type of laziness of not doing anything "staying at home playing games all day", no, the laziness where you just go along with your mechanical nature.

Now, through keen observation, I notice people around me have crazy drive. Drive to be better, be it by working out, to get a better job, to get into a relationship, to pass exams, to learn a new skill, to be better at a sport, to do this, to do that etc. Drive. I can honestly say I'm just not in that sphere. I've happily manoeuvred through life letting things happen. The problem is when things don't happen! E.g. I drifted through life going to school (as you should), came out, struggled to get a job for awhile (felt sad and stressed :(), got a job finally (yay! employment, a major part of life!), moved out of my parent's house and became independent (OMG, another milestone!), maybe one day I can get a mortgage as well if I keep in the employment line (Yippeee, my own house, another milestone!!!)... things just happened... I didn't do anything for any of these stuff that happened. I simply followed the path laid out in front.... Now, you can probably see where I'm going... something isn't happening and for the life of me I have no idea why and it's starting to really play wonders on my mind. No relationship to speak off at all (oh no, no marriage, family, kids or any of that stuff visible anywhere on the horizon. :O. This is a milestone that has not showed up at all!). WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY? I thought maybe it's because I'm horrendously bad at practising the "work", my machine isn't pristine enough.. But then I walk up and down the street and see all sorts of people who've hit this milestone... young, old, fat, thin, polite, rude... you name it. What the hell? What's happening and most importantly, WHHHHHHY am I on the wrong side of this equation? It's definitely not random chance, I refuse to believe it. There has to be a reason. I'm not sufficiently traumatized to warrant this! This is my life's enigma code...

PS: I know this is like a broken record... yup! Imagine having to live with it 24/7 as I do... Stuck. Well and truly.

 

[Mr. Premise]

Well, the stage of life you're in is a very self-absorbed one, but maybe it would help for you to stop thinking so much about yourself and put some energy into helping others. Maybe helping out on SOTT, spreading the word on the state of the world in social media, etc.

 

[luke wilson]

Well, the stage of life you're in is a very self-absorbed one, but maybe it would help for you to stop thinking so much about yourself and put some energy into helping others. Maybe helping out on SOTT, spreading the word on the state of the world in social media, etc.

Does it get less self-absorbed the older you get? I can't wait!!! :D.

Honestly, the internal wiring is such that attention is always drawn to ones own situation. Hopefully this diminishes with time.

 

[JonnyRadar]

Hopefully this diminishes with time.

It can diminish with effort, which is what I think Mr. Premise is suggesting.

Also, how's your nutrition? Might sound like a dumb question, but I promise you, a large part of how your brain works results from whether or not it has the correct fuel and the correct balance of transmitters to fire correctly. Are you eating well? Sleeping well? Sick much? Anxious much? These are all factors that play into how you think about yourself and the world around you.

Regarding your wondering about all of the "paths" in life that you feel like you're on the wrong side of - sorry to be blunt - but that's just dumb. What society has set up as the model of who and what you should be is totally ridiculous.

When I feel the way you've described above, I like to listen to this song, for what it's worth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBRXHPwpk_s

 

[luke wilson]

Well thanks! Actually as soon as I hit 'post' I realized it was very self-absorbed. :D

Nice song...

This is one I listen to for inspiration. Inspiration for me is a dramatic affair!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usGs2kOUVTk

 

[casper]

I have read some of your posts, I do not know what has changed in your life, but this post as if you did not write, as it is to this subject there was one, Luke, and now the second.
Maybe this is just me, but something changed in your view of the world.

 

[Palinurus]

Now, through keen observation, I notice people around me have crazy drive. Drive to be better, be it by working out, to get a better job, to get into a relationship, to pass exams, to learn a new skill, to be better at a sport, to do this, to do that etc. Drive. I can honestly say I'm just not in that sphere. I've happily manoeuvred through life letting things happen. The problem is when things don't happen! E.g. I drifted through life going to school (as you should), came out, struggled to get a job for awhile (felt sad and stressed :(), got a job finally (yay! employment, a major part of life!), moved out of my parent's house and became independent (OMG, another milestone!), maybe one day I can get a mortgage as well if I keep in the employment line (Yippeee, my own house, another milestone!!!)... things just happened... I didn't do anything for any of these stuff that happened. I simply followed the path laid out in front.... Now, you can probably see where I'm going... something isn't happening and for the life of me I have no idea why and it's starting to really play wonders on my mind. No relationship to speak off at all (oh no, no marriage, family, kids or any of that stuff visible anywhere on the horizon. :O. This is a milestone that has not showed up at all!). WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY? I thought maybe it's because I'm horrendously bad at practising the "work", my machine isn't pristine enough.. But then I walk up and down the street and see all sorts of people who've hit this milestone... young, old, fat, thin, polite, rude... you name it. What the hell? What's happening and most importantly, WHHHHHHY am I on the wrong side of this equation? It's definitely not random chance, I refuse to believe it. There has to be a reason. I'm not sufficiently traumatized to warrant this! This is my life's enigma code...

PS: I know this is like a broken record... yup! Imagine having to live with it 24/7 as I do... Stuck. Well and truly.

Hi luke wilson,

Warning: All the following has to be tentative as I'm not a professional counselor or whatever. I'm giving you my personal impressions based on more than this specific topic alone. Many posts of yours elsewhere seem to display similar traits regardless of the subject at hand.

It seems to me you're trying to project an image of the happy-go-lucky, don't-worry-be-happy kind of a guy but really deep down don't believe in it yourself.

It also seems to me that drifting through life like you do, stems from an innate fear for taking responsibility and being accountable for your own actions or the lack of them.

Moreover, you seem to be self-sabotaging a lot and/or saying one thing but doing another (not necessarily the opposite, but simply unrelated).

Now you're stuck in a rut because you've reached a dead-end and find yourself locked in a cul-de-sac.

Taking all I happen to know about you from just reading your posts over time together as a package, I would suggest you are prone to passive-aggressive behavior or something else in that same direction, but I haven't the slightest notion as to the root cause. If true, that's up to you to find out, I think.

If you deem it worthwhile, please work through the following links to see if you encounter something familiar and then ACT upon it:

_http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour
_http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/passive-aggressive.html
_http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

Passive Anger
Life with Passive aggressive Personality Disorder

I hope this helps a bit, and also that I didn't overstep any boundaries of decency, prudence and compassion. :)

 

[luke wilson]

No boundaries overstepped! :)

Some traits about the passive aggressive fit me but others aren't me at all. But yes, I am drawn in that direction.

Growing up in an overtly aggressive environment, be it at school, home or just the surrounding general environment, one was forced to develop patterns of coping and also expressing anger. At home my parents were cool but they could snap at any time and I didn't know what the triggers were so I had to develop the ability to tread carefully but also to express myself, I had a huge rivalry with my sibling for the affection of my parents (which they never stopped from developing) so I had to learn manipulation, my parents never gave me anything easy, usually citing money as the problem, I didn't believe them, so I had to develop a way to get what I wanted without asking for it directly, at school, back in my day, teachers weren't as nice, so I had to learn to stay under the radar, bullying was rife, so I had to learn to make the right friendships, navigate the landscape as it were, fear of physical harm was in the air, so I couldn't express anger openly simply out of fear of being clobbered. Most importantly, being direct and open was never an option because then all your cards are out in the open and this is a vulnerable position to be in and also fear of physical harm. In that environment, being vulnerable is like opening up your king on a chessboard and expecting the other player not to take it - silly and dumb move. Try and be vulnerable to prison guards in a death camp and see what happens! Due to imposing societal values from where I grew up, I had to learn to severely suppress some of my natural needs. It came effortlessly from all the skills learnt from all the various other places. What can I say.... it was all purely fear and survival driven. More than 'getting what I wanted' it was all about 'just getting through'. It was all a matter of optimization, patterning yourself in the most optimal way to your current predicament. So for example, I didn't pattern myself towards girls naturally as I had other more pertinent stuff to deal with. I had to pattern myself towards surviving bullies, the parents, the school, society and its rules etc. The price now is that I didn't use those years to develop the required social skills for girls because I simply didn't engage with girls at all. And guess what... it's not easy to change patterns that have been engraved during years of imprinting!

Anyways, that's where I think some of the patterns you've observed emanate from. It's not who I am though, they are just patterns... I can be passive aggressive (usually to think, observe, learn and strategize) but I can also be very active about it once I see a way... depends. There has to be a goal, a reason. I am not direct because I don't know how to get the required result by direct confrontation. I am unable to call upon the force of 'directness' like some people can. Try and be direct in a prison death camp and see what happens!!!

What does this all mean to my general psychological well being.. well, other than the girl problem (which is a big problem - top of the current list!) I am ok really. As ok as you can be in an insane world. Not thriving (don't have the energy for that really) but rather existing, getting through, surviving, blending in etc. It kind of applies to the forum and SOTT as well now that I think about it. I really don't have the energy to thrive but I optimize in order to get through, to stay afloat. To learn and know what I need to keep from falling into complete sheeplike ignorance about everything important.

 

[Palinurus]

Anyways, that's where I think some of the patterns you've observed emanate from. It's not who I am though, they are just patterns... I can be passive aggressive (usually to think, observe, learn and strategize) but I can also be very active about it once I see a way... depends. There has to be a goal, a reason. I am not direct because I don't know how to get the required result by direct confrontation. I am unable to call upon the force of 'directness' like some people can. Try and be direct in a prison death camp and see what happens!!!

What does this all mean to my general psychological well being.. well, other than the girl problem (which is a big problem - top of the current list!) I am ok really. As ok as you can be in an insane world. Not thriving (don't have the energy for that really) but rather existing, getting through, surviving, blending in etc. It kind of applies to the forum and SOTT as well now that I think about it. I really don't have the energy to thrive but I optimize in order to get through, to stay afloat. To learn and know what I need to keep from falling into complete sheeplike ignorance about everything important.

I'm glad to learn you have more insight in your own functioning than I admittedly suspected.

Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll agree that although survival strategies are necessary to stay alive at all, surviving the madness as such doesn't equate to living a rich and purposeful life. You need to develop strategies for that aim as well, and no better place to start finding and practicing those than this forum, I would say.

 

[luke wilson]

Just thought I'd put this down! Don't wish to be disrespectful to the old homestead but the education system there was crazy in my day and I need to get it off my chest. Pretty much child abuse.

So in my day I went through a system called the 8-4-4 system. Devised in 1985. It started in primary school, which lasted 8 years, then went on to other higher forms of education. I left after 9 years of experiencing this lovely system. I'm not 100% sure if it's still running now the way it did back then.

The greatest undoing for the 8-4-4 system is the value it attaches to passing of exams. Students always prepare to pass exams at the expense of actual learning. That is how their minds have been trained. Failure to excel, you are branded a failure
Read more at: _http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/article/2000051646/why-8-4-4-system-failed-its-mandate?articleID=2000051646&story_title=why-8-4-4-system-failed-its-mandate&pageNo=1

So basically, the whole system is geared towards 'performance and passing exams'. Not to dissimilar to other education systems but this one is on steroids. At my school, in the final 3 years (age 10 to 13) school begun at 7:30 am on weekdays. It finished first at 5:30 pm on the first year of the 3, then 6:30 pm for the other 2. Saturdays you had to go in between 8 a.m. and 1 p.m. Between the 1st and 5th year, it started at 8 and finished at 4:30.

There were 2 rounds of exams every term, out of 3 terms in a year. Each round had 9 exams. The exam period lasted 3 days. On each day you have 3 exams, 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 1 in the evening. At the end you are all given a mark and ranked against your classmates. In the final 2 years you have an index number which is meant to represent your rank and this determines the expectations of your performance level. So lets say you are index 1, that means you are expected to always be top of the class, index 10, that means above that 10 zone etc.. You have 2 breaks. 1 at 10:30 for 30 minutes and an hr for lunch. At my school, at lunch, you were expected to be at your desk revising. Food was eaten at the desk. Silence was to be observed.

Each day after school there is homework... in my school this consisted of 25 maths questions plus a plethora from the remaining 8 subjects. This homework will take hours to do when you get home at night. The homework is to be handed in the next day in the morning.

Discipline was corporal:

For most Kenyan children, violence is a regular part of the school experience. Teachers use caning, slapping, and whipping to maintain classroom discipline and to punish children for poor academic performance. The infliction of corporal punishment is routine, arbitrary, and often brutal. Bruises and cuts are regular by-products of school punishments, and more severe injuries (broken bones, knocked-out teeth, internal bleeding) are not infrequent. At times, beatings by teachers leave children permanently disfigured, disabled or dead.
[...]

In Kenya, the most common method of corporal punishment involves teachers striking students with a "cane": generally an uneven wooden stick of two to three feet in length, with a diameter of approximately three-fourths of an inch. Some teachers also punish students by flogging them with whips made of rubber (from strips of old car tires), with heavier canes, or simply by slapping, kicking, or pinching. For the most part, boys are hit on the backside, while girls are hit on the palm of the hand. At times, however, children are beaten on other parts of the body: on the back, the arms, the legs, the soles of the feet, and sometimes even the face and head. Children are generally forced to kneel down (occasionally to lie down) in the front of the classroom before being caned or beaten in front of other students. At other times, teachers simply cane children on the spot, as they sit in their chairs.

Depending on the nature of the misbehavior of the child and the harshness of the teacher and school, a student might receive anywhere from two to twenty or more cane strokes at one time.
[...]

School corporal punishment can be a form of cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment, and it is akin to the use of beatings to punish detainees in prisons or police stations. In each case, state agents make use of violence to discipline and punish people under their supervision and control, and the violence is inflicted with the intention of causing physical pain and humiliation. In schools, the state agents are teachers rather than prison guards or police officers, and the victims are schoolchildren, rather than detainees.

For me at my school, it was pretty much everyday.. the standard of performance expected was ridiculous so it was unavoidable. Any of the following could get you in trouble with anyone of the teachers

- Failure to complete all your homework
- Failure to complete all your homework to a high standard
- Failure to attain pass marks set (sometimes based on your index number)
- Talking at lunch time in class when you are meant to be revising
- Being reported by a prefect or monitor
- Annoying a teacher in any way shape or form
- Having the wrong hand writing (this was mine personally!)
- Failure to pass inspection
- Failure at any of the exams
- Not paying attention in class

etc etc etc.

Bullying is an all together different animal, just read this person's experience

_http://blackknutz.blogspot.co.uk/2007/02/school-bully.html

And also _http://www.awcfs.org/new/index.php/features/education/238-bullying-in-kenyan-schools-higher-than-world-rate

This is just a snap-shot of the schooling system that had to be survived!

 

[Drea]

Geez Luke, being forced to deal with that kind of madness had to have left scars. From the links you gave and your description it seems to me that the school system taught students violence as a way of life.
Seeing as how the majority of the students turn to bullying then it must have been incredibly hard to make sense of that reality if it wasn't in your nature. The corporal punishment reminds me of Pavlov's dog's and transmarginal inhibition. I can't see how you wouldn't have post traumatic stress disorder to some degree.

Maybe writing some of your experiences out might help you recognize where the strings are attached. Sorry I can't be of more help. Hang in there!

 

[Palinurus]

Thanks for providing some extra background info, luke. Wow, I had no idea it was that bad. Kudos to you for surviving such an ordeal. I now understand much better what you were up against and how it probably determined your outlook on life and everything. My goodness, that's an awful lot to digest and overcome and I wish you well. Wouldn't know if I would have been strong enough to survive such harsh circumstances, seems very doubtful I have to say.

 

[casper]

Events that you specify unfortunately experiencing a lot of people because education has gone crazy with people who run it, parents are too preoccupied with themselves and the jobs they do, there is no correlation between family members because they literally can not see, and when you and see do not talk about important things, more about money and survival However, their, you derive some lessons from his life, getting along is manipulating, because that's what you were forced, I think you just need to recharge the batteries and move forward.
It reminds me of a character from a book by Richard Bach: Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
Are you perhaps read it?

 

[luke wilson]

Thanks for providing some extra background info, luke. Wow, I had no idea it was that bad. Kudos to you for surviving such an ordeal. I now understand much better what you were up against and how it probably determined your outlook on life and everything. My goodness, that's an awful lot to digest and overcome and I wish you well. Wouldn't know if I would have been strong enough to survive such harsh circumstances, seems very doubtful I have to say.

If you were unlucky enough to ever be caught in such a situation, a word to the wise, you would most likely survive. The question is how you'll be once you come out on the other end.

At least in Kenya, you can't take that snippet on the old schooling system in isolation. It was embedded in a wider system that enabled it. All these different systems that lead to such trauma in the individual are compounded by the complete and utter denial of said trauma. Kenyans for one don't take emotional stuff seriously, at all.. It doesn't exist. Not denial... like it just doesn't exist. Like erhmm, it just doesnt... does that make sense? Obviously it exists.. but it doesn't... Make sense now? Welcome to the country.

_https://rosenyawira.wordpress.com/2015/01/02/mental-health-problems-in-kenya-and-africa-and-how-their-perception-negatively-impacts-the-provision-of-care/

The situation is compounded by the pervasive culture of denial, silence and stigmatization that surrounds mental health issues: Anxiety disorders and depression are seen as Western constructs and therefore Un-African. At best, these are seen as a problem that only afflicts Africa’s middle class. In Africa, depression’s simply NOT A THING-and where it is, one is expected to simply, “snap out of it.” A satirical piece written in the wake of Robin Williams death in Kenya’s Standard newspaper; Depression Has Never Been An African Disease, eloquently captures the trivialization of depression by the Kenyan society. Says the author:

What disturbed me was news that the famed actor (Robin Williams) had committed suicide because he was suffering from depression. What is this depression thing? I accept it when a man hangs himself because his wife has left him, or he is jobless, or the neighbour has bewitched him or he is caught red-handed kissing his mother-in-law. But committing suicide because you are suffering from depression is simply not African.
As a Kenyan who watches NGOs tinkering with jiggered feet, I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that depression is an illness. We are stressed and depressed all the time! In fact, it is such a non-issue that African languages never bothered to create a word for it. Anybody who knows what they call depression in their mother tongue, please step forward.
Depression, I am told, does not have a single cause, but that “an upsetting or stressful life event – such as bereavement, divorce, illness, redundancy and job or money worries” could trigger it. To be honest, some diseases only strike wazungu (white people) or the middle class. Around here, when you are bereaved, you wail your head off, blame a neighbour, slaughter a cow for mourners, get inherited or replace the departed spouse and move on.

Imagine that, in a situation, in the most depressed, oppressed continent in the world, where there are a quadrillion reasons to suffer from mental health... anyone of many things can get you and usually it's not just one thing, it's a whole bunch of stuff that will descend upon you e.g.

- Poverty and/or the fear of poverty.
- Crime. Everywhere, stories... relatives, someone you know, a friend of a friend.. victims scattered all over the place. Other african countries have government rebels, Kenya has criminals. Be ignorant at your own peril.
- Fear surrounding the existence of HIV which made my parents paranoid to keep us safe. Back in those years, it was all the rage.
- The schooling system mentioned above.
- Religion in Africa is a disease keeping people locked up in ignorance and subservience to their own subjugation. Yet you'll find the greatest believers there. Being around someone possessed with such fanaticism eats away at you. They are everywhere!
- Since mental health doesn't exist, lets say parents disciplining their kids doesn't take the emotional well-being of the child into much consideration. First and foremost, discipline must be imposed. The rest will follow later.
- Tribal stuff. Oh God, where to begin.

etc etc

Trust me, there is no getting through this environment without something getting you.

So anyways, the general mood of my people in Kenya (at least when I was growing up) is mental health simply doesn't exist i.e. the acknowledgement of mental health isn't there. Non-existent. The mentally ill are mad, bewitched, possessed by demons or they are just seeking attention. You as an individual don't want to be any of that stuff. Therefore, people find ways to deal with their problems their own way. Some will become bullies e.g. criminals, join the police and misuse power etc, alcoholism is a big one, uncontrolled anger, all sorts of personality disorders etc. Guess what though... it's all normal. Where I spent those crucial childhood years, life goes on in situations that boggle the mind. That's the unspoken mantra. Nothing will stop life down there. Chaos and order reside in the same space. Death and life, extreme joy and sorrow, opposing forces can possess you all at the same time. It's manic, it's schizo, it's Africa is what I would say. Things happen that you can't believe, people live through situations that are unimaginable. Walk around your city and look around, they are dotted all over the place, mostly living in the underbelly of the western world. They see you coming and they'll quickly change the language they are communicating with. There are some things that are to just be 'between them'. They aren't dumb or stupid. They escaped the continent but sadly that's not enough. There is something about that place that you can't escape.

So yeah, some more background.

 

[Palinurus]

Luke, the way you describe all this makes me think of situations which were commonplace during the Middle Ages in Europe, or like daily life of the masses under the Roman Empire even further back. It seems so.... primitive -- if I may say so. Unsophisticated even.

Cannot really wrap my head around it, viscerally.