Kel
Jedi
Written by Michael Delaney, impersonator of Mark Twain. Published in Rural Montana magazine, April, 2009.
I speak today for those who cannot speak for themselves. I refer to those living among us who not only cannot speak, but, as far as I can hear, make any noise at all. Like the aforementioned creatures, potatoes have eyes, corn has ears, peaches have fuzz, and it is time they got some respect.
The history of mankind has been one of savage abuse and global oppression of our colorful and leafy neighbors. The primary villain in this reign of terror has been a sap-thirsty band who hide behind the benign title of "Vegetarian" and claims moral superiority because he refuses to eat the flesh of "living things," a blatant hyprocrisy.
A Vegetarian will malign anyone who harms a pig, but he cares not at all for the pumkin. He would never eat a chicken because it can toddle about, but he considers a tomato fully expendable simply because it does not dance.
The Vegetarian will not wear leather because that material once belonged to some dull-witted steer. Nevertheless, he will remorselessly kill and skin an onion and let that hide go to waste. It is a curiously flexible code of ethics that will reject wool sweaters, yet find comfort in cotton boxers.
A vegetarian feels no shame for the unspeakable atrocities he perpetrates against peas, beans and broccoli. He has taken them from the wild where they were free to sprout, sprawl and pollinate as they pleased and interned them in a concentration comp he euphemistically calls a "garden." He forces them to stand up in straight rows, rations their water and heaps them up with stuff too unsavory to discuss in polite company.
I realize that abondoning the traditional human diet of meat, fish, poultry, fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy products can be a challenge, but I stand ready to assist in the transition. Just send me a money order for $29.95 along with a self addressed stamped envelope and I will share my favorite recipe for rocks and dirt pizza. It is quick and easy to prepare, very filling, and the leftovers are perfect for patching the driveway.
I speak today for those who cannot speak for themselves. I refer to those living among us who not only cannot speak, but, as far as I can hear, make any noise at all. Like the aforementioned creatures, potatoes have eyes, corn has ears, peaches have fuzz, and it is time they got some respect.
The history of mankind has been one of savage abuse and global oppression of our colorful and leafy neighbors. The primary villain in this reign of terror has been a sap-thirsty band who hide behind the benign title of "Vegetarian" and claims moral superiority because he refuses to eat the flesh of "living things," a blatant hyprocrisy.
A Vegetarian will malign anyone who harms a pig, but he cares not at all for the pumkin. He would never eat a chicken because it can toddle about, but he considers a tomato fully expendable simply because it does not dance.
The Vegetarian will not wear leather because that material once belonged to some dull-witted steer. Nevertheless, he will remorselessly kill and skin an onion and let that hide go to waste. It is a curiously flexible code of ethics that will reject wool sweaters, yet find comfort in cotton boxers.
A vegetarian feels no shame for the unspeakable atrocities he perpetrates against peas, beans and broccoli. He has taken them from the wild where they were free to sprout, sprawl and pollinate as they pleased and interned them in a concentration comp he euphemistically calls a "garden." He forces them to stand up in straight rows, rations their water and heaps them up with stuff too unsavory to discuss in polite company.
I realize that abondoning the traditional human diet of meat, fish, poultry, fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy products can be a challenge, but I stand ready to assist in the transition. Just send me a money order for $29.95 along with a self addressed stamped envelope and I will share my favorite recipe for rocks and dirt pizza. It is quick and easy to prepare, very filling, and the leftovers are perfect for patching the driveway.
