What is safety?

[placematt]

Hi everyone,
I have been thinking about the idea of safety recently. Mostly it has come up from counselling sessions I have been having. I guess for me, I don’t particularly believe in the term safety, or haven’t until I have recently begun to ponder what it is.

The C’s have always said knowledge protects, ignorance endangers, but I don’t recall them talking about safety. I guess on a personal level, safety in emotional, mental, spiritual and physical spaces is certainly important. And with the C19 fiasco, and the current trajectory of the times, I do wonder if I can create or cultivate a personal sense of safety? Maybe it’s more of a feeling than anything.

It’s an important point for me because while continuing my growth with boundaries and conflict, I tend to become very triggered, in-regulated and being able to regulate into a place of safety is something I really want to work towards.

I would really like to hear others thoughts on safety, what it is, and or what it means to them. How they provide themselves with a level of safety to then be able to move through the world in pursuit of their aims. And I don’t mean a safe space that the culture wars, a place of confirmation bias more so, a personal sense of self and safety. Perhaps safety itself is a bad world. Anyhow, would really like to hear from others. Thanks for reading.

 

[Jones]

The basic definition of safety is the condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause threat, danger, risk or injury.

In the polyvagal material they talk about the idea that it's not enough to just remove the threat of danger, risk or injury, but also there need to be cues of safety. Exactly what the triggers are for each person can be highly individual and also the regulating resources - those that give you cues of safety, can also be individual. Also, a nervous system that is dysregulated can be one that can have hypervigilant focus on cues of threat, it has basically been retuned. Good news is that it can continue to be tuned and optimised.

It helps to build up a set of regulating resources that you can use when you're feeling reactive, or practice on a daily basis so that you build your capacity to take some ventral vagal (safe/social/connected) energy into your reactions so that you don't get lost in them.

It’s an important point for me because while continuing my growth with boundaries and conflict, I tend to become very triggered, in-regulated

Yeah, that happens. It can get messy for a while when learning and practicing this stuff. It's OK, to mess it up because you can fix it up later if you need to.

Funny story:

Dealing with boundaries and conflict is an on going lesson for me too. Back in around 2014 there was some bullying happening at a work place. The bullying wasn't directly aimed at me and was predominantly happening on another shift, but it was starting to affect the workday in general. I hadn't witnessed the victim being directly attacked, but one of the things that was happening was that the manager was putting off all breaks until the end of the shift - like about an hour before we had to close up.

One day I decided that I would speak up about it and started saying it's time for our break at the appropriate time. The manager would say, 'OK, we'll just do this and then we'll break.' Except the list of things we needed to get done before the break kept growing as each task was completed. Also, because we were working under double security, we needed to be let out of the building for our break.

When I cottoned on to what was happening, I mentioned break time one more time and the manager said 'Ok, we'll just do x first.' I leant forward, looked her in the eye and with an as calm and assertive voice as I could muster, said 'Get of your backside and open the damned door!'*
(*what I actually said was a bit more colourful than that!)

Everything went quiet. The manager pushed her chair back from her desk, leaned back and looked at me...then said 'Ok, I'll come for a break too.'

I got outside and was shaking like a leaf! What the hell did I just do?! But the manager was talking as usual and as though nothing untoward had happened! Maybe she just appreciated someone being clear and firm about their boundaries instead of beating around the bush?

Could I have handled it better and less reactively? For sure! It was a messy start, but a start it was.

 

[ImaPrototype]

Hi everyone,
I have been thinking about the idea of safety recently. Mostly it has come up from counselling sessions I have been having. I guess for me, I don’t particularly believe in the term safety, or haven’t until I have recently begun to ponder what it is.

The C’s have always said knowledge protects, ignorance endangers, but I don’t recall them talking about safety. I guess on a personal level, safety in emotional, mental, spiritual and physical spaces is certainly important. And with the C19 fiasco, and the current trajectory of the times, I do wonder if I can create or cultivate a personal sense of safety? Maybe it’s more of a feeling than anything.

i think your question nailed itself it's not about chasing safety cause safety has no intrinsic value and no one is really safe all the time it's about building protection as a process through knowledge one step at a time
the feeling of safety you get is when you're engaging in this process with these "things" but the things have no feeling themselves it's like a mirror when we realize that we can be more in control of it on a personal level

 

[Princess Lux 🌷]

Hi @placematt I have found this article online and hope this would also help you.

How to Regulate the Nervous System and Create Safety in Your Body - Anchor Light Therapy Collective

Discover system. Learn techniques to reduce stress, manage emotions and cultivate inner peace.

anchorlighttherapy.com

How Mental Health is Linked to the Nervous System:​

Our nervous systems are always on alert, scanning our environment for potential threats. This is an adaptive necessary function, protecting us from harm in stressful situations using the flight, flight, or freeze response. However, sometimes our nervous systems can be over-sensitive and get stuck in protection mode, causing us to react strongly to seemingly innocuous stimuli. This can be highly frustrating, increase mental health symptoms, and can significantly impair our quality of life.

If a person is unable to regulate their fear responses, their nervous system is in a constant state of alarm. People with chronic stress, anxiety disorders, or trauma have a much harder time “turning off” their nervous system and struggle with feeling safe in their bodies and the world.

Autonomic Nervous System​

The autonomic nervous receives and interprets information about the body and external environment to identify cues for feelings of safety or cues that there is a threat. The autonomic nervous system has two main divisions.

Sympathetic Nervous System:​

The sympathetic nervous system directs the body’s rapid involuntary response to dangerous or stressful situations through a fight-flight or freeze response. This is the system that helps us mobilize or take action when we experience cues of danger. A flash flood of stress hormones boosts the body’s alertness and heart rate, sending extra blood to the muscles. Breathing quickens, delivering fresh oxygen to the brain, and an infusion of glucose is shot into the bloodstream for a quick energy boost. This response occurs so quickly that people often don’t realize it’s taken place, such as getting out of the way of an oncoming car.

Parasympathetic Nervous System:​

The parasympathetic nervous system controls the body’s ability to relax. It’s sometimes called the “rest and digest” state. It helps maintain daily functions like your resting heart rate, which is your heart rate while your body is at rest; your metabolism; and your resting bronchial constriction, which affects your breathing rate. It essentially keeps you in a relaxed state.

The article also suggests techniques that can help in regulating our nervous system and I think EE is one of the best techniques that helps our vagus nerve.

The chart below shows how an unhealthy (in survival mode) vs a healthy (safe with the body) nervous system.




Safety for me means that I can authentically and be free to be myself.

 

[Expedition26]

Personally, safety has more to do with a sense of stability and security in the physical than with feeling safe mentally. But that’s also where I’m at in life, like renting a house vs. owning one.

I also think about if sh*t hits the fan the fact that I am a 5’2 woman who could easily be overpowered. I recently had a dream about trying to protect my son while in a room from three tall men and all I had was a pair of scissors (I woke up before I had to use them). But it makes me wonder if I should have a concealed carry permit if I am ever put in a situation like that in real life.

Knowledge does protect and I’m curious if anyone else’s knowledge is leaning them toward preparing yourself physically as well or if it’s just me :) Or maybe I’m way off and I should only be mentally prepping.

 

[bozadi]

A: Security on 3rd density? You must be joking!!

Sorry, couldn't help it...

 

[placematt]

The basic definition of safety is the condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause threat, danger, risk or injury.

In the polyvagal material they talk about the idea that it's not enough to just remove the threat of danger, risk or injury, but also there need to be cues of safety. Exactly what the triggers are for each person can be highly individual and also the regulating resources - those that give you cues of safety, can also be individual. Also, a nervous system that is dysregulated can be one that can have hypervigilant focus on cues of threat, it has basically been retuned. Good news is that it can continue to be tuned and optimised.

It helps to build up a set of regulating resources that you can use when you're feeling reactive, or practice on a daily basis so that you build your capacity to take some ventral vagal (safe/social/connected) energy into your reactions so that you don't get lost in them.



Yeah, that happens. It can get messy for a while when learning and practicing this stuff. It's OK, to mess it up because you can fix it up later if you need

Morning Jones,
I appreciate your response. I think my next reading experdition needs to be in the polyvagal material. I have just finished Complex PTSD by Pete walker. very good book. He also has a list of resources to help start self regulating when triggered. Thats interesting about the cues and that makes sense about the hyper-vigilant focus on them. Im am starting to make a plan/ build resources for when im dis-regulated.

It certainly can get messy. Only recently I had to have a talk with my housemate on his girlfriend. I thougth she had moved in, her washing on the line, always here. Long story short I ended up, not very well, making it clear she doesnt move in until I’m out. Which is in a months time. Could have certainly done it better, and not have approached it like she already had moved in, but atleast I did it. I think theres a recommended reading book on polyvagal theory if i remember?

i think your question nailed itself it's not about chasing safety cause safety has no intrinsic value and no one is really safe all the time it's about building protection as a process through knowledge one step at a time
the feeling of safety you get is when you're engaging in this process with these "things" but the things have no feeling themselves it's like a mirror when we realize that we can be more in control of it on a personal level

Hi Imaprototype, yeahs its an interesting idea. And the more I think about it, perhaps where my confusion lays is that safety is only real for a child. Becuase the child relies on others, someone external to keep them safe. An adult however, has awareness and knowledge, which can equal a certain level or safety. but as the C’s say, knowledge protects.

I like how you put “ building protection as a process through knowledge”. i think that mirrors what jones talked about above, which is having resources to keep calm, open minded, and vigilant at times when danger maybe be close.

 

[placematt]

The article also suggests techniques that can help in regulating our nervous system and I think EE is one of the best techniques that helps our vagus nerve.

The chart below shows how an unhealthy (in survival mode) vs a healthy (safe with the body) nervous system.

Safety for me means that I can authentically and be free to be myself.

Thanks for sharing that Princess Lux, I have to head to work in 20 minutes but will certainly give it a good read. I tend to agree, that safety means to authentically be free and to be yourself. In taking that one step further, I guess for me and the more I see the challenge with our emotional, mental states from childhood and the conditioning and programming that has taken place. Its the awareness and practice of recognising these states and changing them or having some effect in turning it around so that you can be your authentic self.

Personally, safety has more to do with a sense of stability and security in the physical than with feeling safe mentally. But that’s also where I’m at in life, like renting a house vs. owning one.

I also think about if sh*t hits the fan the fact that I am a 5’2 woman who could easily be overpowered. I recently had a dream about trying to protect my son while in a room from three tall men and all I had was a pair of scissors (I woke up before I had to use them). But it makes me wonder if I should have a concealed carry permit if I am ever put in a situation like that in real life.

Knowledge does protect and I’m curious if anyone else’s knowledge is leaning them toward preparing yourself physically as well or if it’s just me :) Or maybe I’m way off and I should only be mentally prepping.

hi expedition26, i totally get the sense of stability and security in the physical. It sort of harkens back to the C19 era. obviously there was a “social safety” that everyone wanted, but also a physcial safety from transmision. Its what hooked the tribe/ group mentality. Its why many followed the narrative.

I think in regards to a concealed, carry permit. Maybe before you even make the decision, not sure if you have had much practice with a firearm. But i would consider training before even making that call. Here in australia Pepper spray is illegal, so i totally understand the benefit of conceal carry.

In terms of preparing physcially, my main aim is fitness and strength. Mostly gym and just getting in good shape incase I have to walk considerable distances.

Sorry, couldn't help it...

Dont be sorry at all mate. Its kinda where I was getting at. Which I think is, there is no safety outside of our own psyches. Out there, in the jungle it is dangerous, but regardless of how dangerous the external world is, I wont even be able to deal with it well if my internal world isnt calm and in a state of regulation. So i think it's a very valid point.

 

[Alejo]

I think this is a very interesting question to ponder, and I can understand why it is important for you to explore it.

Perhaps I can propose a different one in return, if safety is the state of being protected, it implies that there's something that needs protection, as such I would ponder on that, what needs protection? in your day to day life, but also in your inner world?

And that is not an easy question to answer from my experience, and some of us may have been hurt enough where we cannot find anything worth protecting about ourselves, or rather.. the things we could protect within us, we're just too eager to sacrifice for so many reasons. And what I could suggest is that, if you cannot find anything that is immediately apparent, that needs protection, then you can choose what it will be that needs protection.

And then, the notion of safety might start becoming clearer, safety is something that one chooses daily, not something one establishes, and this requires strength, which also requires work. So, for instance, if you wish to protect your physical body from harm, then there's several ways, exercise, diet, hygiene, sleep and so on.

But, and I think this is a very important point, because this is a key difference. safety should not be developed as an unconscious response to fear, because one runs the risk of incarcerating that which one wishes to protect. Rather, as a recognition that there is something unique and precious that deserves protection.

The reason I mention this, is because I also think that this is the beginning of dealing with anxiety at a mental and emotional level, that is, not to build walls around yourself to hide away from harm, but by realizing that there are aspects of yourself that may not be changed by the outside world, no matter what is thrown your way, that still deserve protection. Do you see the subtle difference? you're still developing safety, not out of fear but out of a recognition or bestowing of value.

So, I would personally begin there, what do you wish to protect?

 

[Expedition26]

Thanks for sharing that Princess Lux, I have to head to work in 20 minutes but will certainly give it a good read. I tend to agree, that safety means to authentically be free and to be yourself. In taking that one step further, I guess for me and the more I see the challenge with our emotional, mental states from childhood and the conditioning and programming that has taken place. Its the awareness and practice of recognising these states and changing them or having some effect in turning it around so that you can be your authentic self.



hi expedition26, i totally get the sense of stability and security in the physical. It sort of harkens back to the C19 era. obviously there was a “social safety” that everyone wanted, but also a physcial safety from transmision. Its what hooked the tribe/ group mentality. Its why many followed the narrative.

I think in regards to a concealed, carry permit. Maybe before you even make the decision, not sure if you have had much practice with a firearm. But i would consider training before even making that call. Here in australia Pepper spray is illegal, so i totally understand the benefit of conceal carry.

In terms of preparing physcially, my main aim is fitness and strength. Mostly gym and just getting in good shape incase I have to walk considerable distances.

Dont be sorry at all mate. It’s kinda where I was getting at. Which I think is, there is no safety outside of our own psyches. Out there, in the jungle it is dangerous, but regardless of how dangerous the external world is, I wont even be able to deal with it well if my internal world isnt calm and in a state of regulation. So i think it's a very valid point.

On reflection, I think my sense of mental safety comes from my lack of childhood trauma. I was somewhat neglected but not outright abused. I am also a semi dangerous person emotionally, not physically. I can be really quite vicious and cruel with my words. Things I am working on.

And about the concealed carry, I’m in the USA and have all of my qualifications to get one, I’m just hesitant to be put on that list. But I also live in an area where there are bears and lots of wolves so some of my fears might be rational.

Anyway! If you aren’t finding progress within therapy or even EE I found that homeopathy/flower essences really help bridge the gap in mental healing.

Flower essences especially are very power tools for moving through difficult emotions.
freedom-flowers.com is the site I use for blends and some of their books on soul fragmentation and healing are good but very traditional Christian/Jesus oriented. I believe they ship internationally.

In homeopathy aconite works with fear and arnica is good for trauma but I would consult a homeopath for guidance. The RMDY Collective is based out of Oz and I’m sure they could point you in the direction of someone good.

 

[Jones]

Im am starting to make a plan/ build resources for when im dis-regulated.

One of the things they say in PVT is that a sense of safety, being social and connected can feel unsafe to some and their ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) will flick them back into their primary defensive state or strategy. The reason for that is safe social connection can also bring what is to some, an overwhelming sense of vulnerability.

So as those resources are being built, keep in mind that you might drift in and out of the sense of safety and the idea is not that you will be able to stay in a safe, social and connected state all the time, but that you gradually build resilience to be able to return to that state more fluidly.

 

[987baz]

The reason I mention this, is because I also think that this is the beginning of dealing with anxiety at a mental and emotional level, that is, not to build walls around yourself to hide away from harm, but by realizing that there are aspects of yourself that may not be changed by the outside world, no matter what is thrown your way, that still deserve protection. Do you see the subtle difference? you're still developing safety, not out of fear but out of a recognition or bestowing of value.

I agree, I think there are two types of safety, your actual physical safety and your perceived safety, which is more about anxiety IMO
for instance I may be perfectly safe in my physical environment, but mentally, may be triggered by something, let’s say I’m hypersensitive to my body and I feel something, immediately I feel unsafe, like there’s something wrong, I’m in danger, which triggers the sympathetic system and things ramp up.
now, obviously I need to calm myself and ”feel” safe to be able to release the anxiety and understand that I am ok, that I am not in danger. So there’s a fine line between being able to calm yourself and having a false sense of safety. in my example, I think it’s important to calm yourself otherwise you may just put yourself in real physical danger. so I’m not wishful thinking and ignoring the fact that there is no real safety, I’m using the feeling and idea as a way to calm myself, in a sense it’s like talking to a child, your inner child maybe? Letting him know he is safe. I hope that makes sense?
I may be off on this though, but it’s the way I see for the moment.

Anyway! If you aren’t finding progress within therapy or even EE I found that homeopathy/flower essences really help bridge the gap in mental healing.

I also use OZ bush flower essences, which do really help, even knowing I have them near by, just in case is a strategy I have used. I use one called calm and clear, and when I start feeling a bit off, I just take a few drops, the other one is called emergency and I only use that when I’m really feeling anxious, but a good tool to have, if needed.

 

[placematt]

I think this is a very interesting question to ponder, and I can understand why it is important for you to explore it.

Perhaps I can propose a different one in return, if safety is the state of being protected, it implies that there's something that needs protection, as such I would ponder on that, what needs protection? in your day to day life, but also in your inner world?

And that is not an easy question to answer from my experience, and some of us may have been hurt enough where we cannot find anything worth protecting about ourselves, or rather.. the things we could protect within us, we're just too eager to sacrifice for so many reasons. And what I could suggest is that, if you cannot find anything that is immediately apparent, that needs protection, then you can choose what it will be that needs protection.

Alejo, that is such a valuable perspective. And its actually a really easy question to answer. Or atleast I assume its early. I want to protect the place I inhabit which is someone who values aspects of the spirit. So when Im in a state of fear or feeling unsafe/ dis-regulated, I have the tendency to turn to disassociation and or seek out things to try re-regulate but which do the opposite. An example would be sugar or something of that ilk. So what I want to protect is my state if mind or the world view that everything is important, that things matter and by extention, how i interact and show up in the world matters. And to mirror what jones is talking about, I understand that this is impossible 100% of the time, atleast feeling this way. But having those resources that can better direct me back to this feeling of safety or protection, where my dis regulated state is far less extreme is certainly a great aim for myself.

whats also quite interesting is, when it comes to boundaries, I guess i struggle with boundaries as I never thought of what they were protecting. I understood that they are required to be a healthy and productive person etc, but I never really personalised it like that. Really do appreciate your perspective mate!

On reflection, I think my sense of mental safety comes from my lack of childhood trauma. I was somewhat neglected but not outright abused. I am also a semi dangerous person emotionally, not physically. I can be really quite vicious and cruel with my words. Things I am working on.

And about the concealed carry, I’m in the USA and have all of my qualifications to get one, I’m just hesitant to be put on that list. But I also live in an area where there are bears and lots of wolves so some of my fears might be rational.

Hi expedition26, Sounds to me a conceal carry would be appropriate in this situation. But i understand not wanting to be on government list. totally makes sense. Are there others ways you could face the potential threat?

Anyway! If you aren’t finding progress within therapy or even EE I found that homeopathy/flower essences really help bridge the gap in mental healing.

Flower essences especially are very power tools for moving through difficult emotions.
freedom-flowers.com is the site I use for blends and some of their books on soul fragmentation and healing are good but very traditional Christian/Jesus oriented. I believe they ship internationally.

In homeopathy aconite works with fear and arnica is good for trauma but I would consult a homeopath for guidance. The RMDY Collective is based out of Oz and I’m sure they could point you in the direction of someone good.

I find alot of progress with therapy, EE and my kinesiologist also gives me flower essences. I really do enjoy them. i might look into getting one or two of my own though. As baz has done.

I agree, I think there are two types of safety, your actual physical safety and your perceived safety, which is more about anxiety IMO
for instance I may be perfectly safe in my physical environment, but mentally, may be triggered by something, let’s say I’m hypersensitive to my body and I feel something, immediately I feel unsafe, like there’s something wrong, I’m in danger, which triggers the sympathetic system and things ramp up.
now, obviously I need to calm myself and ”feel” safe to be able to release the anxiety and understand that I am ok, that I am not in danger. So there’s a fine line between being able to calm yourself and having a false sense of safety. in my example, I think it’s important to calm yourself otherwise you may just put yourself in real physical danger. so I’m not wishful thinking and ignoring the fact that there is no real safety, I’m using the feeling and idea as a way to calm myself, in a sense it’s like talking to a child, your inner child maybe? Letting him know he is safe. I hope that makes sense?
I may be off on this though, but it’s the way I see for the moment.

yes very true. From my understand from CPTSD, the body cant tell the difference between the different aspects of safety. Similiar to how the body cant tell the difference between an emotional flashback or memory and the actual incident event. Yes, the inner child aspect is huge because that is where the real power comes from the disregulation. And a large part of getting back to that safety is the compassionate reparenting that needs to happen in order for the inner child to feel safe and move back into regulation.

One of the things they say in PVT is that a sense of safety, being social and connected can feel unsafe to some and their ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) will flick them back into their primary defensive state or strategy. The reason for that is safe social connection can also bring what is to some, an overwhelming sense of vulnerability.

So as those resources are being built, keep in mind that you might drift in and out of the sense of safety and the idea is not that you will be able to stay in a safe, social and connected state all the time, but that you gradually build resilience to be able to return to that state more fluidly.

yes, i agree. For a while I was quite resentful of this fact. That there was no way i could get that flip back to the off position so that it never happened again. it was a nieve way of looking at all this. I look forward to making progress and shortening the duration of feeling unsafe and being in a dis-regulated annd anxious state.

One of my go to strategies for social situations is generally to get involved with cooking of keeping busy. Its a way i manage my anxiety but still have the ability to socialise and connect. it just affords be time to be focused on helping and doing something and then re-ingaging with others when i feel up to it. it has actually been very effective!

thanks everyone,

i really appreciate your time.

 

[Princess Lux 🌷]

Thanks for sharing that Princess Lux, I have to head to work in 20 minutes but will certainly give it a good read. I tend to agree, that safety means to authentically be free and to be yourself. In taking that one step further, I guess for me and the more I see the challenge with our emotional, mental states from childhood and the conditioning and programming that has taken place. Its the awareness and practice of recognising these states and changing them or having some effect in turning it around so that you can be your authentic self.

It is true. Our system can get mess up from an early stage due to certain factors esp trauma experienced during the stages when the cognitive ability is developing. I also thought that while working with it, I started to observe the normal responses to people as the first step and overtime learned what would I have done now with the current thinking and values I have-- doing things according to "norms" without losing my individuality in the process. Im still in the work and I celebrate the milestones in every step no matter how small for motivation.

And that is not an easy question to answer from my experience, and some of us may have been hurt enough where we cannot find anything worth protecting about ourselves, or rather.. the things we could protect within us, we're just too eager to sacrifice for so many reasons. And what I could suggest is that, if you cannot find anything that is immediately apparent, that needs protection, then you can choose what it will be that needs protection.

And then, the notion of safety might start becoming clearer, safety is something that one chooses daily, not something one establishes, and this requires strength, which also requires work. So, for instance, if you wish to protect your physical body from harm, then there's several ways, exercise, diet, hygiene, sleep and so on.

But, and I think this is a very important point, because this is a key difference. safety should not be developed as an unconscious response to fear, because one runs the risk of incarcerating that which one wishes to protect. Rather, as a recognition that there is something unique and precious that deserves protection.

Can you help me with my thinking? I am getting confused with safety and security now. My mind is trying to point out the sentences if this relates more to security then the result is the sense of safety.

And also as what others pointed out, I think they are directly proportional to each other and can be intertwined in many cases. What could be the key difference?

 

[Maya]

And then, the notion of safety might start becoming clearer, safety is something that one chooses daily, not something one establishes, and this requires strength, which also requires work. So, for instance, if you wish to protect your physical body from harm, then there's several ways, exercise, diet, hygiene, sleep and so on.

But, and I think this is a very important point, because this is a key difference. safety should not be developed as an unconscious response to fear, because one runs the risk of incarcerating that which one wishes to protect. Rather, as a recognition that there is something unique and precious that deserves protection.

The reason I mention this, is because I also think that this is the beginning of dealing with anxiety at a mental and emotional level, that is, not to build walls around yourself to hide away from harm, but by realizing that there are aspects of yourself that may not be changed by the outside world, no matter what is thrown your way, that still deserve protection. Do you see the subtle difference? you're still developing safety, not out of fear but out of a recognition or bestowing of value.

So, I would personally begin there, what do you wish to protect?

One of the things they say in PVT is that a sense of safety, being social and connected can feel unsafe to some and their ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) will flick them back into their primary defensive state or strategy. The reason for that is safe social connection can also bring what is to some, an overwhelming sense of vulnerability.

Oh, safety ! The most actual topic right now between my 16 yr old doughter and me.
It is really an everyday struggle because of her hypersensitivity and very strong anxiety lately.
So thank you for bringing this up @Princess Lux 🌷 and everyone else for great insights.

But I know how she feels cause never in my entire life I felt safety in no any way, with anyone.
First with parents cause I grew up in totaly disfunctional family
and later in my marriage again because I chose wrong kind of partner who is again distant,
unemotional, with many narc traits.
But that's also a good opportunity to honestly work on self and apply everything we learn here,
instead of playing victim, blaming others etc...
So to say - to accept cards Universe gave us in this life time and do our best.
With firm faith that somehow, someday if I earn it - things will be maybe little bit more in favor to who I really am.

Anway,.. besides many recomended books here, discipline with food (one meal a day), suplements,
being out in the sun and EE saved me from great anxiety and panic attaces wich peaked during lockdowns.
Some days it was really bad, I was affraid if I fall asleep I won't wake up any more.
Not because I will pass and go away but what if my child stays without anyone who would hug her, know her, understand her.

So, during time when talking to her, she said that safety (= love) is when you are accepted and cherished for who you are.
When your boundaries are respected although you are 'just a child' . When you are allowed to chose what you want
and people see / hear you, whant to know you,....your dreams, likes, hopes, fears and behave thowards you accordingly to that.
Safety is someone being present and making effort for you in a same way as you do it for them.
Well..... Houston, we have a problem here..
Teanagers are not like that. Most of grownups are not.
Whole society is shallow and fake. Human relations are mostly feeding of some kind.
She told me so.
(Excuse me, she realized that on her own ! Woow. I wish I was so smart with 16 years.
Back then you could sell me anything.. In fact until 4 years you could.. )


I'm happy cause she is very open and honest to me.
But it breakes my heart that I can rarely say something comforting about it all.
It's like two of us against the world. But she sees how I beat my fears and anxiety thowards many things, little by little.
So she understands that things will change for her and that we could fight fears, traumas, insecurities ..
An she already matters big time - cause by kindnes and behaving right and fair
she chooses daily to be someone elses safety and comfort.
And by that discipline as well to her self.

The book 'It didn't start with you' by Mark Wolyn helped as well.
We talked with granny and her aunts about are ancestors, we writed down as a story everything about everyone from both sides.
Especially female family members.
Through that stories we realised how many paterns repeat and what else bothers us both.
What do do when she is overwhelmed and can not breathe.
We did little ancestor prayer ceremony so she knows that she has relationship with them.
Grand grand mothers especially. That she can talk to them as well when she needs extra comfort and protection.
(When she can not text me : Bruh, I can't breathe !!! It hurts. )

I told her no matter how we think our life is hard at the moment, it's nothing comparing what they
been through so we could know and have all this.
So that you my child - are allowed to BE and choose your happiness.
That all helped a bit. Thank God.

Because I can not steal all the sweets from her, can not sit on her head with bunch of supplements all the time.
Cold showers or baths are out of the question if you ask her.
She eats well. Dances. Reads books. Even listens Huberman's podcast !

Now the last thing we desperately need for her to calm down is a nose job.
She has very bad septum deviation from nose injury we didn't know about on time.
So now she uses only half of her nose, poor thing. And nobody wanted to operate her until now.
This will be taken care of in february and I really hope when she will be able to breathe properly
and do EE regulary things will change for better and she will finally feel 'safe' and more relaxed.

I'm sorry if I was off topic a bit.
But this 2 years we bonded soooo much for the sake of safety of so many different kind at so many defferent levels.
I'm so deeply gratefull for my child being so awesome and this forum even more.