Hi placematt, I think that the sense of safety is indeed a hard one to explain because it is one of those things you have to experience to really understand it.
There's the notion that in order to be safe, the environment needs to be safe, but, as we know, that can only go so far because the world is as it is and it wouldn't be good if all our efforts are oriented towards changing and controlling that world. Also, it could be that even after changing what is outside, you still feel unsafe, because the sense of unsafety is a primed response you got from when you were younger.
I think that making our immediate environment, habits, etc., as safe as possible is importat too, because without that we might be having to deal with unsafe things all the time and that would deplete us. But, the problem sometimes is that even after we've made changes in our lives that put us in safer circumstances, we may continue to respond and react as if we were still living the unsafe life we had before. It's an automatic response that stays locked, so to say, and when we are locked in that response, we may even see danger in the wrong places and fail to see it where there is actual danger, which may hinder our ability to respond to reality as it is appropriately.
So, what I'm trying to say is that the sense of safety is a combination of external actions that change our environment, habits, etc., but also an internal work where we increase the resources we have within ourselves to deal with life, without expecting to believe that life will always be safe because that just isn't the reality, but instead, increasing our faith (by increasing our internal resources) that we can handle life by our means and with the help of other human beings (the sense of connection is one of such internal resources). And yes, much of what we do to change habits and our environment can feed those internal resources, if you do them with the right mind-set, meaning, not feeding fear by trying to control the unexpected.
There's a concept used in polyvagal theory based therapies called the "window of tolerance" that illustrates this idea. The idea is that we have a space where we can tolerate life experience, engage with it with curiosity, being alert but not anxious, calm but not inactive. Trauma can make this space smaller, making us react more to life experience where that reaction is no longer necessary. So, the idea isn't to remain in that window of tolerance, which can also be seen as the "comfort zone", but to make that window wider so that you can experience life more fully without shutting it down or fighting it (saying it in very simplistic terms).
So, the question becomes, IMO, about what we can do to increase our internal resources so that we can engage with life as it is. Again, changing our environment and habits where we can find objective things that aren't conducive to a good life is, of course, a good step that will naturally increase our confidence (an internal resource) as we do it, but there's also some things that we can do more internally to increase our more inner resources. Éiriú Eolas, as you know, is one way in which you can do this, but there are other practices that can help.
Back to the present: For me, one of the most effective ways in which to regulate ourselves when we notice we are dysregulated is to make a conscious effort to come "back to the present", that is, to stop whatever loop we're in, look at the window, look at your surroundings, become aware of your breathing, sense your feet on the floor, sense the weather around you and realize that right now you are OK, there's no threat to your life at this moment. If there is real threat, you will see it and respond to it, but right here and now, there's no threat. It is a back and forth thing and our ability to come in and out of it increases with practice. As you may notices, this isn't so much about "living in the present" as in a new agey idea, but more about coming back to reality, sensing it, engaging with it and noticing it. Most of the time, dysregulation comes form a mixture of habitual physiological responses combined with thinking patterns that aren't anchored in our present reality but projected into the past or the future, so this practice is a way to increase our ability to move out of those habitual thoughts-responses when they are interfering with out awareness of reality as it is.
Anchor your resources: Another useful thing to do is to find experiences, people, pets, activities, that increase your window of tolerance and remember them as anchors of positive experience that remind you that whatever it is that is threatening you right now, it will pass, because you know that there's also good things in your life. Here's where the activities you do to improve your environment and habits may come in handy too, because if you can remember all you've done already, then you'll know that you can handle a lot, that you are resilient. So, using these experiences as anchors can be a way in which to come back to reality too. A way to anchor those experiences is to really be aware of all you feel, think and experience while you are in contact with that particular activity, person, etc. So say, for example, that you have a moment where you feel confident because you've achieved something important to you, ask yourself: how do I feel with this confidence? How is my breathing when I'm confident? How do I see the world and reality? How is my posture? How do I experience life when I'm confident like this? And then, this may be an anchor for you to get back to a regulated state when you're feeling dysregulated.
Of course, there's a lot more we can do, and each one is different so each one may find different ways in which to increase resources. I just wanted to share what has worked for me in case it is helpful.
Finally, I share an interesting interview about dealing with anxiety that gives one more way to handle it. It is a bit long and perhaps not all of it is collinear with our understanding of reality, but I thought it was interesting:
My 2 cents.
So I am working on to aid myself and feed with as much knowledge as I can.
