Why are you single?

[alina8528]

Very funny question.I am single because still my search has not fulfilled the criteria.Seriously still I am single because I have decided not to marry.because girls are the way of hell.

 

[truth seeker]

Very funny question.I am single because still my search has not fulfilled the criteria.Seriously still I am single because I have decided not to marry.because girls are the way of hell.

What are your criteria?

 

[Erna]

[quote author=alina8528]
I am single because still my search has not fulfilled the criteria.
[/quote]

I think searching may be a problem as well. From my experience with our group of friends, it's the ones who are always searching who end up disappointed time and time again, and who usually get involved when they shouldn't, because they don't want to be alone. There is a lot of wisdom to be found in solitude. Searching with a list of criteria is also maybe hampering your efforts, as if you're shopping for a 'product', and not looking for a potentially collinear ‘human being’. Maybe life has a few surprises in store for you. Maybe the one out there who has the potential to make you very happy, is not visible to you, because she doesn't measure up so well against your current 'shopping list'.

[quote author=alina8528]
girls are the way of hell.
[/quote]

Sounds like your 'shopping list' hasn't served you so well in the past.

 

[Jacques]

Very funny question.I am single because still my search has not fulfilled the criteria.Seriously still I am single because I have decided not to marry.because girls are the way of hell.

Could-you elaborate on that ?

Here's a couple of quotations that i like very much :

« To compromise the essence of your being in order to get along in an intimate relationship is pretty much equivalent to amputating part of yourself because someone else doesn't like it. » Laura Knight-Jadczyk

When you finally can love the Universe, AS IT IS, it will then send its representative to you, the perfect embodiment of the Universe's love for you..." Laura Knight-Jadczyk

 

[Faith]

« To compromise the essence of your being in order to get along in an intimate relationship is pretty much equivalent to amputating part of yourself because someone else doesn't like it. » Laura Knight-Jadczyk

When you finally can love the Universe, AS IT IS, it will then send its representative to you, the perfect embodiment of the Universe's love for you..." Laura Knight-Jadczyk

Now that's a promising quote! I hope I am also working towards that goal. Hmm... I'm curious: Who is gonna be Miss Universe? Maybe I allready know her. Is she human or maybe alien? Things keep getting more and more interesting!


EDIT: added two sentences :P

 

[Menna]

Alina8528 - Try and change your mind frame. I am just guessing but lets say for example you went out with 2 or 3 girls in the past and the relationship didn't work out. Its easy to say ALL girls are bad but remember there are billions of females on this planet more females then males. The girls you have met and gone out with make up .000000000000008% of the female population - thats not enough to make a statement like that. And everything is a lesson if your past relationships didn't work out then think about what went wrong why it didn't work learn from it and apply the lessons learned to your next relationship. Then in theory each relationship should get stronger and stronger.

 

[Faith]

Concerning my singledom there is definitely the aspect of seeking true intimacy, that makes me avoid situations of potential fake intimacy. It's sabotage. It's like SAO suggested in the very beginning. The part that seeks it, can very well live with being single: he wants to be single until the true moment or something like that, however occurs -- the part that has a problem with this, is the false one, I guess. He wants to be approved -- he wants sex with a beautiful female body, wants proof for his own beauty, it's masculinity, it's desirability -- he wants his narcissistic food! He is greedy, superficial and he is so damn vain! He would whittle her down to the plane body, to the surface, to the physical and mechanical. He would make her food, but then... the other one sees the imperfectness of this fake-me... well, it's a lie. The fake-me does not do it's own wishful image justice! This does not work for me. It's pathetic. I can never truly be what the false personality demands, what he wishes: this kind of superficial perfection you see on the large scaled posters -- the Aryan models and celebrities: the beautiful beasts, the animals or whatever you wanna call them -- the superior machines.

:( But there is also my intellectual centre that drives me crazy, that separates me from each and everything, that tries to feel when the emotional one is blocked. I think I figured out why that is, but I guess, this would be another story. Maybe it would be a story about narcissistic wounding. Is there anything else, besides the breathing, that could help me boosting my emotional centre a little more? Or is it a matter of time until I 've learned to balance it?

 

[zhenqing]

It got me three days to read all 17 pages of this thread but it was definitely worth it. There is so much information here, and it helped me tremendously.

I'm in my early twenties and I was single practically my entire life. When people asked me that question before I had started the Work, my answer went often along those lines: "I have bad luck. The ones I wanted did not want me, and the ones that was interested in me I wasn't interested with". I looked at my friends, who was in long term relationships and I envied them. I thought that even when they aren't always happy they still have someone with them. Someone, who wasn't maybe perfect, but who nevertheless loved them. I wanted someone like that, too.

I ''loved' only three people.
The first one, a boy (one year younger than me) I met when I was fifteen. When I saw him for the first time it felt like being struck by something so powerful... I didn't even have a name for it. And by the time I know him a little better I was sure that we have a deep psychic connection. I felt like I know him from somewhere, like I met him before. There were a lot of weird synchronizations between us. Sometimes, he behaved like he could hear my thoughts. So I was convinced that we are meant for each other. But when I confronted him year later, when I told him about my feelings... he broke my heart. He told me he like me but that's all. Obviously I couldn't hate him for that, for not reciprocate my feelings. So I continued to love him silently for the next couple of years (we were going to the same high school and I saw him almost everyday - my feelings for him weakened a bit only after I finished it).

The second love of mine was much more complicated. It was son of my mother's best friend. A man nine years older than me, someone I know almost my entire life. But I began to notice him only after I grew up a little, somewhere around my thirteen or fourteen year I suppose. I never had a proper male influence in my life, not to mention a man's attention or affection, so when he began to show them to me I was in seventh heaven. He gave me his time, he listened to my stories and troubles. And I started to see him like some sort of a friend, brother and a father figure in one. I didn't think about him in romantic terms until I was at least eighteen/nineteen, even though I suspected he cared for me in that way since my fifteen/sixteen year. After that I told myself I want to be with him. Because I knew he would never hurt me, and he will never do anything against my will. I knew that he would cherish me. But in the end it didn't work out. I was waiting for him to do the first step - I was rather afraid to be honest with him, and I was afraid of being rejected because at that time I didn't really trust anyone and had really low self-esteem - but he didn't. Later it was implied that I was too much of a mystery to him and he couldn't really understand me. He knew a lot about me of course, but what he didn't know was what I wanted. Well, no wonder, because I didn't know that either. Not really. Not long after, he met a woman his age, less 'mysterious' then me, I guess. Of course his decision hurt me and I was feeling hurt for quite a while. I was sick of hearing about them being together, about how content he was in this relationship and I was feeling pleased every time I heard he was being unhappy with her, or tired. I was feeling satisfaction when he couldn't take his eyes from me, even though she was in the other room talking to his brother. Yes, I was horrible and egoistic.

The third and the last person, who received my affection was a woman my age. And she was the only one I had some sort of relationship with. The only one with whom I was even vaguely intimate. Funny, but I didn't have a problem with her being woman, even though before we met I was only attracted to men. Nevertheless, the relationship ended after two months. We were so different it was a surprise we even started it.

So, that's my story. Pretty pathetic, right? I told myself that I loved them, but the truth is I didn't. I wouldn't recognize true love even if it bit me on the nose. In the first case, it was all in my head. I thought I know the guy, but I was simply lying to myself. I didn't know him. And because of that I couldn't truly love him. In the second case I didn't love this man either. I was clearly thinking only about myself, about my needs. I wanted his love and affection and wanted to see myself in his eyes.

In the third case, a chose a woman because I thought (albeit subconsciously) it would be easier. Because I had problems with men. I didn't how to handle them, how to be natural around them. I was quite scared of them actually. That's why I was never intimate with any of them. Well, given my childhood it wasn't surprising. With my father being an alcoholic. With mother telling me constantly that men are bastards. With all those divorces around me. With hearing about fathers of my friends, who were cheating on their wifes, sometimes even beating them. Almost every one of them being alcoholic like my father.
Of course I knew than not all men are like that. But because I haven't had any male role-model in my life, approaching them was always quite frightening. Plus, deep down I was convinced that the majority of men are shallow; interested mostly in outward appearance. And although I met a few ones who wasn't like that, I still was stressed out about this issue.

But in spite of my experiences, I wanted to have a real relationship with someone. To love and to be loved.

About one year and a half ago, few months after I discovered Cassiopaean Experiment I had a dream that I couldn't forget about. I have a lot of really amazing dreams, very vivid, colorful and very symbolic, and I have them almost every night; but sometimes one of those dreams totally shake my world, so to speak. This one was like that.

A brief summary: In this dream I met a guy, who was like no one I have ever met. He had interesting physique, but it was his eyes and something about him I couldn't really put my finger on that got me interested. He was looking at me almost all the time and I couldn't understand why, surely there were a lot of women more interesting then me. It was flattering, of course, but then I forgot about him for a time being (I was at work). Then, I finished what I had to do, and for some reason I was feeling very happy. I felt this outburst of energy and I started to swirl around holding hands with my female colleague and laughing happily. I was quite stunned when this man joined us. So, three of us were holing hands, laughing and swirling. There was field of green grass beneath our feet, the sky was clean blue and I felt warmth of sun on my skin. It was perfect. After we finished swirling, my co-worker was gone and only I and this man remained. I lay on the grass, looked at the sky and I spoted a key of birds flying, and when I looked at the man again, he changed a bit. He had white, silk scarf wrapped around his head, similar to turban, and his lips were incredibly red. There was something almost woman-like about him, but he still gave off the same manly vibes. He smiled at me, lay on the grass as well, his arm touching mine and I started talking. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had never been so honest in my entire life. And with a stranger, no less! I talked about my programs, my issues, my fears and he listened quietly. Heat spread from where his arm was touching mine. The kind of heat when one is doing or receiving reiki treatment. It melted all my fears.
In my last vision I saw us walking side to side and holding hands, being together. And when I finally woke up I felt such a tremendous sense of loss I couldn't help but cry.

From that moment, my thoughts about how relationship should look like have changed. I knew I met the man I want to spend my life with. And I swore to myself that if I wouldn't meet him him in this lifetime, then so be it. I will remain single.

Later, I read a book of Robert Bly, "Iron John: A Book About Men" and it made me realize that if I truly want to meet that man of mine, I must change myself first.

This song of Muse really illustrate it perfectly:

"You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before"


Still, even though I knew I must change I lacked knowledge how can I do it, what to do exactly. And finally I've received a major push and began networking.
And I found this thread and had it answered.

According to your suggestions to read ISOTM for a deeper understanding I finally bought a copy of it and it's quite amazing how deep it gives an insight to a man's being...
I've got to admit that I'm just halfway through but reading about internal and external considering I realised a lot of that process in myself and due to my latest experiences with "falling in love" with a girl and having hardly any chance at all it gave me a hard time thinking about that topic.

Only if you had developed that part of yourself who could recognize him/her. If one's programs are running, then one almost always likes what one's essence does not like. Think about that - it is a horrific thought and happens all day long, every single day, all over the planet - resulting in suffering all around. Until one begins to know oneself, how can they possibly know who they might love?

If one has nothing to give - no true, real, part of themselves that has developed - then how can they possibly recognize and attract the person they will objectively love?

The alternative is to move from one fake relationship to another, with nothing to truly give because you have nothing real inside you. The alternative is to move from one feeding situation to another, building your false self, hurting your real self, the entire time while you dream you are loving when you never even approach love's doorstep. I cannot imagine a more horrific existence.

To stop - to gain perspective with an understanding that one cannot give love until one has something to give - some self-knowledge - some self - is to act consciously. To love is to know - without knowledge one cannot love and I think Puck's post is an example of beginning to understand the monumentally negative ramifications of mechanical attraction and 'love' on oneself and others.
fwiw.

When you finally can love the Universe, AS IT IS, it will then send its representative to you, the perfect embodiment of the Universe's love for you..." Laura Knight-Jadczyk

Thank you. So much...

 

[Menna]

zhenqing - Seems like you have had a few experiences/lessons that have helped you grow - If you haven't pick up ISOTM great book and the EE breathing will help you discover and heal your childhood wounds.

I too have vivid dreams, not all the time but on occasion. Dreams are very powerful, have hidden meaning and are another form of communication.

 

[spyraal]

Thank you Zhenqing for sharing your experience. :)

IMO, for having a healthy and fulfilling relationship, one with some permanent features like understanding and love, there should be two esoterically developed individuals who have formed at least some permanent features on their character first. These permanent features will provide an environment that supports emotional stability and growth, and the much needed correspondence between a person's words and deeds. Otherwise, even if everything seems "perfect" for a while in a relationship, it is very hard to keep these high standards in the long run. Someone's "machine" can and will be triggered by something, another "program" will take over, and then we become yet another "person" who somehow still has to honor the choices and words of the previous self or "program"... But that rarely happens. I think this is why happiness in common relationships usually comes in small and unexpected doses, whose nature is mostly accidental and therefore they remain elusive and unrepeatable regardless of how much we try or wish to experience then again.

So i guess the best thing to do is take the full responsibility of ourselves, consciously strive to clean our machine and gain some permanent features in our character, some solid ground on which to built upon a healthy and lasting relationship. As a Chinese saying goes: "If you want to attract an eagle, you first build an eagle's nest, and the eagle shall come". And the "nest" here is but ourselves. Just some thoughts FWIW...

Thank you,
:)

 

[zhenqing]

If you haven't pick up ISOTM great book and the EE breathing will help you discover and heal your childhood wounds.

I'm reading ISOTM now ;) It's my second approach actually. When I was reading it for the first time, one of my programs kicked in and I abandoned it (somewhere around seventh or eighth chapter).

As for EE, I'm preparing myself doing belly breathing and pipe breathing.

I too have vivid dreams, not all the time but on occasion. Dreams are very powerful, have hidden meaning and are another form of communication.

I love working with dreams. I'm doing it for a while now. At first, in most cases I didn't understand their hidden meaning. Then I've read a book written by Teresa Rita Sanlit about how to interpret them, along with Arnold Mindell's books - and it really helped. Though, sometimes one must gain some perspective first to see what his dreams were really all about.

I learned a lot from them. They show me my issues and programs beautifully, and trough them I can observe if I made any progress (well, I can observe it while being awake too, it's just when one is dreaming all veils are gone).

Thank you Zhenqing for sharing your experience. :)

IMO, for having a healthy and fulfilling relationship, one with some permanent features like understanding and love, there should be two esoterically developed individuals who have formed at least some permanent features on their character first. These permanent features will provide an environment that supports emotional stability and growth, and the much needed correspondence between a person's words and deeds. Otherwise, even if everything seems "perfect" for a while in a relationship, it is very hard to keep these high standards in the long run. Someone's "machine" can and will be triggered by something, another "program" will take over, and then we become yet another "person" who somehow still has to honor the choices and words of the previous self or "program"... But that rarely happens. I think this is why happiness in common relationships usually comes in small and unexpected doses, whose nature is mostly accidental and therefore they remain elusive and unrepeatable regardless of how much we try or wish to experience then again.

So i guess the best thing to do is take the full responsibility of ourselves, consciously strive to clean our machine and gain some permanent features in our character, some solid ground on which to built upon a healthy and lasting relationship. As a Chinese saying goes: "If you want to attract an eagle, you first build an eagle's nest, and the eagle shall come". And the "nest" here is but ourselves. Just some thoughts FWIW...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Spyraal. Well said and I agree with you entirely.
I've realized that I considered everyone internally. I made it all about me and I couldn't truly care about others. I was unable to love anyone, because I was so busy with myself (well, with my many miserable I's)
I understand, that the first thing I need to do is to get to know myself. My real self (my soul; essence) as well my fake self (predator's mind). I must learn to discern them and to not identify with predator's mind anymore.
And maybe then, when my soul would be able to shine, free and untrammeled, this special, collinear someone will appear. And I will be able to see this beautiful glow of his soul, too.
Yes... the last thing I want right now is to hurt someone with my machinelike reactions, my programs and unhealed wounds.

 

[Paragon]

This has even going through my mind a lot ever since we split up ( check page 15). In fact i would say that every day I still think and miss this person so much that it's starting to worry me.

I feel the decision to split up was the right one because at the time I needed to live that single life, to get out there and see what's on the other side. And that's a whole lot of shallowness and loneliness for sure! I knew it was going to be like that but I had to do it, to experience it, so that I know inside of me that it isn't what makes me really happy. Almost to crystallise the whole experience if you will. I think at least in part that being in a relationship near enough constantly since 13 years of age, coupled with the A influences of the world, led me to believe I was missing out on something. I hadn't done the single thing yet so I needed to see what it was like. I also didn't want to hurt my ex anymore which was another reason, unfortunately not as strong as my desire, my want to be single. I didn't realise that was the main motivating factor at the time. That dang predator eh?

Anyway, now one of the biggest positives that has came from splitting up, is the amazing growth that I feel I have achieved (subjectively). If I hadn't of ended it, then I may not have searched for the truth as much as I have. In terms of understanding my predator and how I've greatly improved interacting with people and not being as anxious etc. Basically I have grown by not being with her or anyone else after that, since I've only had to deal with me, sitting alone with myself, observing how i felt and how much I depended on someone else to make me happy or feel at ease (feeding dynamics?). I have become to know myself that little bit better, and i think that possibly my future self ( if I even have one!) or my higher self has helped me in that respect by the journey I've took since splitting up. So overall it was for the best.

But I really miss this person. The way she accepted who you were unconditionally, with no ideas of changing you or influencing you. She would never have cheated on me or intentionally hurt me. She was very sweet and very beautiful too. I guess I really miss her 'idealness', that pureness of love she showed me, her pure character. Now we don't even speak because it's too hard for her. I feel very guilty because she now goes out all the time and gets drunk and I feel that I've contributed to that damaging lifestyle. Even though I have done it and continue to do so, albeit I am getting sick of it now, I just felt that there was a pureness about her that I've helped to dilute by hurting her so much that for her to feel happy she needsto go out and stuff.

I'm sorry I'm not making much sense I don't think, quite un structured and a bit of a word salad! It's late and I'm feeling a bit emotional too. I'm just very sick of still having these strong feelings for her when it had been nearly 8 months since we broke up. I never felt this kind of 'bond' with my first love, and that was very intense, whereas with my ex it's more like she made me feel a stable and deep contentedness with her ( even though I decided to split up with her! )

Basically I want to know if my feelings are normal or how I can let go of her. I feel like some nasty entity has sucked on to these feelings and is influencing me somehow.

Mirroring more than welcome so that i can get to the truth. And thanks if you managed to make it this far, I know how it is to spend a lot of energy on a long and wacky post, but it just seems to come out like this because of my emotionally charged feelings.

 

[truth seeker]

I think your feelings are normal in the sense of missing something you may feel you lost if that makes sense. However, perhaps as you said, you are idealizing the situation. When a relationship has ended, it can be very difficult to remember the things you didn't like about the relationship or aspects of the relationship that may not have been in your best interests. Instead, we can tend to only view it in the context of the "good times".

My suggestion would be to try to do things that keep your mind from engaging in the illusion as it only serves as a hook. Also, if you can, try and take pleasure in the solitary aspects of your life. When I was in that situation, I would make a point to cook nice meals for myself and do other things that were in line with caring for myself (play music, light candles, etc). Not sure if that helps.

 

[RyanX]

The way she accepted who you were unconditionally, with no ideas of changing you or influencing you. She would never have cheated on me or intentionally hurt me. She was very sweet and very beautiful too. I guess I really miss her 'idealness', that pureness of love she showed me, her pure character. Now we don't even speak because it's too hard for her. I feel very guilty because she now goes out all the time and gets drunk and I feel that I've contributed to that damaging lifestyle. Even though I have done it and continue to do so, albeit I am getting sick of it now, I just felt that there was a pureness about her that I've helped to dilute by hurting her so much that for her to feel happy she needsto go out and stuff.

Paragon,

Something about how you wrote this smacks of somebody who is not looking at the objective reality. In your original breakup-post you mentioned that you two went through a period of arguments. Was she exactly the ideal you described above during this period as well?

The way you've written this makes it sound like this girl is just at your whim and that she would have you back anytime you want. Put yourself in her shoes. If she were to do all of this to you, would you take her back?

Also, did you have any other relationships, however brief, during the time you were apart from your ex-girlfriend? That could make any fully reconciliation difficult, if not impossible.

Maybe it would be best to stay single and live with your decision. I know that sounds difficult, especially if you haven't been single for long periods of your life, but a single life does have its ups. You just have to retrain your brain to a new way of thinking about life. And I don't mean going out and womanizing, sleeping around, or drinking life away either. Truthseeker gave you some good advise too about taking pleasure in the solitary aspects of your life. There are plenty of creative outlets for a single guy your age. Do you write, perform/create music, draw/paint, etc? You can take any creative endeavors you have and set some goals for yourself. This will give you a a sense of purpose in life.

 

[luke wilson]

The way she accepted who you were unconditionally, with no ideas of changing you or influencing you. She would never have cheated on me or intentionally hurt me. She was very sweet and very beautiful too. I guess I really miss her 'idealness', that pureness of love she showed me, her pure character. Now we don't even speak because it's too hard for her. I feel very guilty because she now goes out all the time and gets drunk and I feel that I've contributed to that damaging lifestyle. Even though I have done it and continue to do so, albeit I am getting sick of it now, I just felt that there was a pureness about her that I've helped to dilute by hurting her so much that for her to feel happy she needsto go out and stuff.

I think RyanX and truth seeker have made some very good points. I dont know if you've read the thread on healing the spirits of trauma. What you described here reminded me of this...

So you remember her suffering but you resist accept¬ing that she had been raped that night? You are a profes¬sional, and a good one, I may say. Don't lie to me that you can't recognize the trauma of rape. I bet you can recognize it in the first few moments of your conversation with a patient. And you did. I bet you did recognize it in Lara, but refused to accept it, giving it to a part of your memory you don't think is yours. Lara was too good to be raped. Rape doesn't happen to good women. This is your first gap, as much as it was hers. Face it now.

She lives inside of you; you have her image in your memory nurtured by years of growing up together. She is projected like an icon for you, one who is always pure, always strong, and to whom you can turn in moments of confusion. You feel great relief that an ideal exists and can help you to make sense out of reality when¬ever you need it. You provide therapy for yourself by hold¬ing to this ideal. You won't let it go, even at the expense of letting the real person suffer. You close your eyes and ears in order not to hear about the ugly rape; you erase it/ from her story. This is hypocrisy, Olga, a huge gap you need to heal. Lara was a live person and her suffering is no symbolic but real. You need to help her.

Uhmm, obviously your case is not the same as this but what I think you might have in common is that you have projected an image of her in your memory making her an icon who is pure, strong etc etc which might not exactly represent who she is, it might be ignoring other aspects of her. It might be that the image you have projected stops you from viewing objectively. It could be a gap in your memory as the article states. Just a thought... Sometimes we project ideal images of other people in our heads that stop us from really seeing them in an objective way. Not only does this hinder meaningful interactions, it could be a way in which we perpetuate hurt to those same very people... OSIT.

I feel the decision to split up was the right one because at the time I needed to live that single life, to get out there and see what's on the other side. And that's a whole lot of shallowness and loneliness for sure! I knew it was going to be like that but I had to do it, to experience it, so that I know inside of me that it isn't what makes me really happy. Almost to crystallise the whole experience if you will.

I wish to put forward a different angle just to give you something different to think about. Maybe question your motives, see if your motives are true. Could it be that, what you wrote here is essentially a lie or not the entire truth? In light of that new information, about memory gaps and preserving those images, could it be that you split up, because the girl in objective reality didnt match up to the image you had in your memory of her and so in essence, the splitting up was a way to preserve/protect that image?

Basically I want to know if my feelings are normal or how I can let go of her. I feel like some nasty entity has sucked on to these feelings and is influencing me somehow.

Maybe you should read that thread, healing the spirits of trauma.

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=21670.0