Wronged by someone else and taking it out on myself.

[Jefferson]

I feel for you Pete - I was there in Barcelona and I saw the first effects on you, and I observed the dynamics between you and seek1 later that day. Sure you kind of laid into him a bit, as we all saw but don't beat yourself up about it - the main thing you reflected, and observed and showed capacity for self-remembering. You sharing this has served to remind us about these kinds of unpleasant events and the feelings and automatic behaviors that can arise from them.

I also feel for you too Gertrudes, thanks for sharing your story. Also others here, and I am sure many many more have been 'wronged by someone else' as the thread title states.

I have felt violated too in regards to the vehicle I tried to purchase from a "friend" and the deal went sour (explained here: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,25505.0.html). Part of me wants to try to suck it up as a 'life lesson' but since my first and foremost task is to get in touch with my emotions, I am trying to feel all of them: anger, disappointment, fear, sorrow over losing the 'illusion of a friend', regret and so forth. And one thing that was pointed out to me, I try to feel these emotions without analyzing them or labeling them, just let it flow through. Not easy, when I have spent most of my life lying to myself, hardening myself, as well as avoiding/escaping unpleasant emotions.

Very good posts here - good reminder not to minimize and brush off these matters. Just think, we spend time lightening and healing ourselves using EE and so forth, so why add to the baggage/damage by brushing it off/minimizing these unpleasant emotions? :)

 

[Gertrudes]

What happened during that horrible time to you, do you know? Did you first have to have these experiences, before you could act? Because there is huge difference between the person that was too scared to come out of the toilet and the person that could stand up and defend herself.
It worked two ways, maybe. You scared off the man and he never came back and you were in a fight mode, so you did not have to bury the trauma.

I had never really thought much about it.... I think that what happened was that on the first event I just froze. This is very common in me when I'm faced with something totally unexpected, and I tend to beat myself up about it because it often leads to a bad outcome. This time, however, I was given the opportunity to change my behavior. The suppressed anger from the previous event was still boiling inside, and made bigger by the accident. I was VERY angry.
I find that suppressed feelings will tend to be processed on a subconscious level, and if allowed to be expressed, can lead to something constructive. If not, they'll tend to grow like a cancer. When I was faced again with the same situation within such a short period of time I was ready to act, as in, I knew what to do. It's like danse la vie said:

The first time the fear in your mind blocked your force, but you were given soon a new chance to rewire your mental structures,

So maybe one should look twice at the nature of our reactions after the event: there is minimizing as you said, but there can be also only another measurement of the part of trauma in the event, and a right measuremet of the part of growth (hope this is english, not sure...).

I think that what makes an event traumatic isn't the event itself, but whether the individual has been allowed to process it afterwords. In fact, studies seem to point to this crucial aspect of dealing with the post effects of a potentially traumatic event. Works that come to mind discussing this are the books "In an unspoken voice" by Peter Levine and "The drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller.

I'm glad you were with your friend at that potential rape danse la vie, god knows what could have happened to her otherwise! Good to read how you defended yourself.

 

[Gwenllian]

And it helps to network about it here. Also, to take the lesson to heart and look for the gaps in awareness and ALWAYS make the most efforts to keep up the vigilance. I guess, try not too be overly worried and paranoid, but to always be on the lookout, and try to be in touch with our instincts that warn us of possible dangers and act on them in practical ways to minimize the risks without becoming obsessed. Probably easier said than done, but effort and awareness will probably make the best of any situation.

Thanks, SeekinTruth. After the break-in I did wonder why I had not checked the very window that blew open during the storm. And the only window that is somehow easier to climb through. I had checked the others! I do not beat myself up about it, but I just question my actions. Yes, it is another lesson in awareness. I pretty much expect attack all the time, but still not enough!

I will do that Mariama but as everything happens with me, it may take some time to sink in before I finally get it. In the meantime I will stay extra cautious and pay more attention to my surroundings. As far as taking my feelings and experiences more seriously, that's the part that might take me some time but once I put my focus on it that should help. Its just a matter of being aware of it when something happens as opposed to just brushing it aside like I've been programmed to. Also I'm sorry to read about your break in and thanks for talking about it. I didn't mean to not acknowledge you before.

Just to let you know, Pete, I started working on myself about ten years ago and I still find that I brush stuff aside or I do the opposite: I overreact. It has taken me a long time before I could take some of my own emotions seriously. It is a pattern that is so persistent.
I did feel unacknowledged before, but I also know that I can overreact, so I let it go, which gave you the opportunity to write after all. :)

I have felt violated too in regards to the vehicle I tried to purchase from a "friend" and the deal went sour (explained here: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,25505.0.html). Part of me wants to try to suck it up as a 'life lesson' but since my first and foremost task is to get in touch with my emotions, I am trying to feel all of them: anger, disappointment, fear, sorrow over losing the 'illusion of a friend', regret and so forth. And one thing that was pointed out to me, I try to feel these emotions without analyzing them or labeling them, just let it flow through. Not easy, when I have spent most of my life lying to myself, hardening myself, as well as avoiding/escaping unpleasant emotions.

That happened to me, too. People had asked me if I could help them out financially and I did. (This was more than a year ago, I have changed a bit since then.)
Then I noticed they were taking advantage and although they are paying me back it goes ever so slowly. They have the money to go on holiday and keep their stuff, only because I lent them the money. They not only betrayed my (naive) trust, but also my partner's friendship and our working relationship we had with one of them.
I find that these feelings come back to me from time to time. At first I felt furious, but these feelings change. But it is certainly not easy to feel them without beating myself up. (How could I have been so stupid? Why I am so careless with money, etc. etc.)

I had never really thought much about it.... I think that what happened was that on the first event I just froze. This is very common in me when I'm faced with something totally unexpected, and I tend to beat myself up about it because it often leads to a bad outcome. This time, however, I was given the opportunity to change my behavior. The suppressed anger from the previous event was still boiling inside, and made bigger by the accident. I was VERY angry.
I find that suppressed feelings will tend to be processed on a subconscious level, and if allowed to be expressed, can lead to something constructive. If not, they'll tend to grow like a cancer. When I was faced again with the same situation within such a short period of time I was ready to act, as in, I knew what to do.

I understand completely. Thank you for this. I understand now why nothing much happened to me after my childhood had passed. Although I did not know yet what had happened I always assumed I could be raped, if I was not careful. So, I was vigilant, most of the time.

I think that what makes an event traumatic isn't the event itself, but whether the individual has been allowed to process it afterwords. In fact, studies seem to point to this crucial aspect of dealing with the post effects of a potentially traumatic event. Works that come to mind discussing this are the books "In an unspoken voice" by Peter Levine and "The drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller.

I agree. We can process our feelings and work through them without getting traumatised. And it definitely helps, if we can act physically and defend ourselves.
Maybe it is another way to keep us helpless? So many people say that rape or other traumatic events will destroy our lives, but by saying that they keep us small and powerless. Because they do not mention these therapies that do help to process trauma. I was able to process a lot because of Alice Miller's work. And I am now studying Levine. I feel very grateful for their work.

Another time the same situation occured, I was 15 coming back from high school with 2 class comrades. The 3 raper candidates were on the other side on the road, and I perceived their intent the moment they decided to cross, so I was prepared. They attacked one after each other, like ordinary predators believing their target is weaker and no extra investment is needed. What an error. I carried a heavy school bag made of thick leather at the time, with my heavy schoolbooks in it. What a weapon! It didn't only give scoliosis, I found out. Well the third started to spring on me, but the 2 first lying already on the ground due to my flying bag, he gave it up at the same time, otherwise he would have bumped into his fellows.

You possess great courage, OSIT. It is so good to hear that people out there can and will defend themselves, instead of hearing all these horror stories when things go wrong. We almost never get to hear about people like you and Gertrudes that act and manage to escape terrible events.
I have a large axe in my home and glass bottles filled with water. After the break in my youngest child felt scared. I acknowledged his feelings, but also told him that whenever he feels threatened or when he has to defend himself he is allowed to do that. We went over the things in our home, that we could use as a weapon, should anything nasty happen.
My oldest child was once in a situation where he felt threatened. He was surrounded by loads of kids and he picked up a stick and held it as if he was going to hit them with it. It worked very well. They didn't touch him. There is a psychological element to this as well. If others see that we will defend ourselves they lose courage (most of the time). OSIT.

Sorry about this long post, but there was so much I wanted to respond to.

 

[KristinLynne]

Hello Pete, I am still new here but have found I might have something to post after all. I too blame myself when things like that go wrong because I do no better...but it is hard to have your guard up all the time. I think it is a breath of fresh air to read most of you agree talking about these things because they are important and affect us deeply. I have had to deal with many things in my life and I haven't had many people to talk to about some of the more incredible experiences. So please excuse me for I am a little rusty but hopefully I can make sense. One way I used that helped was to write and recently I started a blog trying to resolve old and new issues. ( I am waiting on the EE CD to arrive because I have read so many wonderful things about it! ) I think I read where Laura sometimes needed to vent at night before going to bed and have done that many times myself...although no one was there to hear.

Kniall I am sorry to hear about your car because I had mine stolen twice in 03 from right in front of my house within 2 months of each other. Although I did get it back it required a lot of work to repair the damage and the first time it was full of my equipment that I used as a PI. Both times my stomach just dropped as I walked out the door to an empty space.

Keit and Gertrude after reading your experiences I couldn't help but see a few similarities to the incidents I was just writing about in my blog. When I first starting to write I was hoping that any young girl would trip over it and find a little useful insights to the world. Here is an excerpt:

I walked home from work through downtown towards the south side between 2 and 4am 5 days a week when I had a job at the bank mail room and still lived with my soon to be ex husband. Once I had a guy mumble something as he was walking in the opposite direction and then turned as he got close to stick a knife in my side. He walked me about 20 feet and stopped between two large trucks. My heart was pounding but I remained calm and was looking for a way to safely get away. I had no money so I knew this would turn bad fast. For some reason he had electrical tape with him and cut a piece off and told me to put my hand through a side mirror bars on the truck. He put the tape over my eyes but I could still see down and then he squatted...for some reason and then I kicked him as hard as I could in the groin and ran as fast as I could. I got away and he disappeared. It was only afterward that I realized the implications and shook from fear. But I was alive and that was important!

I finally got a car and was happy to have more freedom again but got careless one day when I saw the seat belt hanging out the passenger door. I opened the door and pulled the seat belt back into the car and shut the door forgetting to hold the handle up to lock the door. I then went on to work and got off that night about 2am. I had just pulled out of the parking lot and turned on the street which has a stop light immediately after. There was a guy walking in my lane straight toward my car. As he passed he jumped into the passenger side with me and had a knife. It seems like I have a gift for attracting the deranged. He told me to drive a few blocks from the uptown area and into one of the projects. We drove down a road and took a left passing about 20 others in sunglasses at 2:30 am. He told me to take a last left into a parking lot and as soon as I stopped, he jumped out with my keys. I knew if I let him go I would be in serious trouble because I knew where he was going. So I got out too and went to his side to distract him and after a bit I saw my chance to grab the keys. When I did he grabbed my throat but only got my necklace, I pushed him into the side of the car and got my keys. I literally flew to the drivers side and got in. He started running toward the others and I seriously considered running him over in my car...but I didn't. I just left and went home. Shaking the whole way.

http://takenit2thend2.blogspot.com/2011/10/one-split-second.html if you'd like to read the whole post. Both of those things happened around the age of 19 and I don't really think about them much any more but hope that I can reach just one person. Sadly many other things have happened that I must deal with which pale in comparison but it did open my eyes to the many dangers that lurk. But acknowledging the anger (or other emotions) and if you can focus that anger on the ones that hurt you will help the healing in the long run. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

 

[pete02]

Geez KristinLynne Those were some horrible situations to be in and your very lucky to have made it out alive I think. Its a good thing you were able to keep your head and respond the way you did. I'm sure the EE program will help you in many ways and I hope it arrives soon. This is why I said that I'm glad it was only a cell phone and I'm also glad it happened without anyone noticing because no one that was with me or myself was ever in any danger.

I had dated a girl some years ago that had gone through a rape situation and it used to break my heart to listen to her in her sleep sometimes cry that she didn't want to be raped. I could tell she was having a nightmare reliving the whole experience over again. Her parents were divorced and she didn't anyone there for her so she unfortunately tried to commit suicide and ended up in a rehab for some time. Even though she came out of everything okay she still has that memory suppressed and it comes out in her dreams every now and then. It just angers the hell out of me that these individuals have no idea of the traumatic scars they inflict just so they can get what they want. Truly psychopathic.

http://takenit2thend2.blogspot.com/2011/10/one-split-second.html if you'd like to read the whole post. Both of those things happened around the age of 19 and I don't really think about them much any more but hope that I can reach just one person. Sadly many other things have happened that I must deal with which pale in comparison but it did open my eyes to the many dangers that lurk. But acknowledging the anger (or other emotions) and if you can focus that anger on the ones that hurt you will help the healing in the long run. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

If I was aware of it when it happened I'm sure the full force of my anger would have been directed at her for what she did but being that I realized it afterwards I just felt like a deflated balloon. Like the energy was just zapped right outta me and then from there just self pity for not being more aware that I was in a strange country and should've paid more attention to my surroundings.

The EE is helping me and I've been trying to focus on any tensions in my body to see if anything is attached to it like Ailen suggested because I do think there's more in me than just this latest incident. Maybe this whole thing happened just to push me to release the other things that are trapped inside but only time will tell.

I really owe this whole thread to Trevrizent for seeing in me something that I didn't at the time and asking me to talk about it here on the forum which has also really helped. I know he must be tied up with the recent death of his mother and I hope everything is going okay for him. I hope to hear from you soon my friend.

 

[Danse la vie]

What happened during that horrible time to you, do you know? Did you first have to have these experiences, before you could act? Because there is huge difference between the person that was too scared to come out of the toilet and the person that could stand up and defend herself.
(...)

I had never really thought much about it.... I think that what happened was that on the first event I just froze. This is very common in me when I'm faced with something totally unexpected, and I tend to beat myself up about it because it often leads to a bad outcome. This time, however, I was given the opportunity to change my behavior. The suppressed anger from the previous event was still boiling inside, and made bigger by the accident. I was VERY angry.

Very angry is what I felt immediately when I sensed their intent to begin with. While I was beating the first one to knock him out as quick as I could manage, I was hearing my friend scream of pain, and as long as he was still moving I was fearing that I might come to late to knock the other off her (fortunately we were not in light summer clothes).
This thought made my anger skyrocket to an intensity I had never experienced consciously before, and I felt this concentrate anger was giving me access to unlimited force. (I mean not limited by my official body abilities). I already knew I was going to get rid of the other one, my only worry was would it be in time.

This unlimited force is what I was trying to tell you we have access to, even if we are “objectively” weaker, because it doesn’t "originate" from the body, although the body is able to act with this force.
Processing our feelings afterwards together with my friend while walking to safety (she asked then where the force came from) gave me the awareness of a way to access force, and in the later physical attacks I had to deal with in life, it allowed me to let the anger skyrocket instantly.
What I had gained in this “sample” event I never lost, and I built further growth on it in every area.

Regarding the non physical violation attempts, the story lasted longer. It took me many years of work to realize it was the same pattern and dismantle the screens to get myself at the same level of action in other “departments”. (sorry for the English)

I find that suppressed feelings will tend to be processed on a subconscious level, and if allowed to be expressed, can lead to something constructive. If not, they'll tend to grow like a cancer. When I was faced again with the same situation within such a short period of time I was ready to act, as in, I knew what to do. It's like danse la vie said:

The first time the fear in your mind blocked your force, but you were given soon a new chance to rewire your mental structures,

So maybe one should look twice at the nature of our reactions after the event: there is minimizing as you said, but there can be also only another measurement of the part of trauma in the event, and a right measuremet of the part of growth (hope this is english, not sure...).

I think that what makes an event traumatic isn't the event itself, but whether the individual has been allowed to process it afterwords. In fact, studies seem to point to this crucial aspect of dealing with the post effects of a potentially traumatic event. Works that come to mind discussing this are the books "In an unspoken voice" by Peter Levine and "The drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller.

True. I like “afterwords” for “afterwards”… very meaningful.
Yes processing is the key, Alice Miller’s words were life cleansers for me too years ago, fortunately she was among the authors available in French. “The child under terror” relieved tons of tears with the attached pains. Others too.
So there are the things that make an event traumatic, and there are, also, the things in our dealing with an event that make the same event an important key to our growth. In a world that tries to keep us centered on suffering (be it consciously or unconsciously), what I retained immediately as most significant was the growth.

Although there were “side effets” I had to process additionally during a longer time (one of them : I didn’t know if I had killed a man and I was only 13).

Danse la vie

 

[anart]

This thought made my anger skyrocket to an intensity I had never experienced consciously before, and I felt this concentrate anger was giving me access to unlimited force. (I mean not limited by my official body abilities). [...]
This unlimited force is what I was trying to tell you we have access to, even if we are “objectively” weaker, because it doesn’t "originate" from the body, although the body is able to act with this force.

Actually, it does originate from the body. It is adrenaline. Spikes in adrenaline can give the human body what seems like supernatural strength - mothers have even been known to lift the weight of a car off of their child. The human body, and the mechanisms that kick in for survival, are amazing things.

 

[Danse la vie]

I think that what makes an event traumatic isn't the event itself, but whether the individual has been allowed to process it afterwords. In fact, studies seem to point to this crucial aspect of dealing with the post effects of a potentially traumatic event. Works that come to mind discussing this are the books "In an unspoken voice" by Peter Levine and "The drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller.

I agree. We can process our feelings and work through them without getting traumatised. And it definitely helps, if we can act physically and defend ourselves.
Maybe it is another way to keep us helpless? So many people say that rape or other traumatic events will destroy our lives, but by saying that they keep us small and powerless. Because they do not mention these therapies that do help to process trauma. I was able to process a lot because of Alice Miller's work. And I am now studying Levine. I feel very grateful for their work.

Glad that you mention this point Mariama. I am extremely cautious indeed with everything that might serve to keep us helpless (women or men) in any area. It was the ultimate point of my first post.

A certain "propaganda" (lack of better word) about the horrors women are indeed submitted to across the planet tends to make us perceive there would be no radical differences between all kinds of rapes, only a scale in monstrosity. There is a huge that is not said : some rape attempts we can act physically, some we cannot. But one result of this propaganda is to make all women perceive themselves as helpless.

From another angle, the concept of processing our feelings to avoid getting traumatized, essential and sound in itself, can drift easily towards a focus on processing painful feelings only, forgetting about processing the empowerment experienced during the event, and how it can be a reference to extend our abilities in many directions.
In my analyse this shows how about every step we take can be "ponerized" each time we believe we have found "what" was missing.

As a consequence in real life, those who chose the above processing of both pain (in case it was there) and empowerment, and decided the share of growth was by far bigger, perhaps to a point that it changed the rest of their lives for the better, might be looked at by those who conform either as devoid of feelings, or as psychologically though unconsciously sick.
And “good souls” would rush to propose them their “help”, their solution to a problem that doesn’t even exist. I see it often.

Another time the same situation occured, I was 15 coming back from high school with 2 class comrades. The 3 raper candidates were on the other side (...) gave it up at the same time,

You possess great courage, OSIT. It is so good to hear that people out there can and will defend themselves, instead of hearing all these horror stories when things go wrong. We almost never get to hear about people like you and Gertrudes that act and manage to escape terrible events.
[/quote]
(sorry I couldn't fix the quote)

I understand why you say that Mariama. Other people told me that in other circumstances. But I deny it. I think it is another way of keeping us helpless. I have courage, but I am convinced courage is something else. And what it takes to defend ourself physically is not courage.

I have a large axe in my home and glass bottles filled with water. After the break in my youngest child felt scared. I acknowledged his feelings, but also told him that whenever he feels threatened or when he has to defend himself he is allowed to do that. We went over the things in our home, that we could use as a weapon, should anything nasty happen.
My oldest child was once in a situation where he felt threatened. He was surrounded by loads of kids and he picked up a stick and held it as if he was going to hit them with it. It worked very well. They didn't touch him. There is a psychological element to this as well. If others see that we will defend ourselves they lose courage (most of the time). OSIT.

It is great! And if we have no device at all in physical attacks we also have our eyes and our voice, a lot of force too.
Telling about your oldest child you remind me of a similar situation in the basement of the high school after I had stood up for a harassed teacher. It turned out very funny.The courageous harassers surrounded my back suddenly while I was taking my coat. At that moment I saw a superb spider approaching in my rack. I picked her up carefully and held her around to shape my way strait out, in a total silence. Sometimes we obtain big respect by ways we would have expected least...

Danse la vie

 

[theos]

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. We all need to be extra vigilant now. As people move further and further into financial dire straits and ponerization more and more robberies and assaults will happen.

Last month my brother and his family had a near break in. His wife and baby, who are usally away during the day, were home. His wife saw someone come up to the front door and try the doorknob. They then moved to the side door and tried the knob and then left the property. She called my brother, who is a cop and was patrolling the area, and he rushed home. He drove down to the cul-de-sac to turn around and saw two guys standing outside his fence. He ended up arresting them for trying to rob his own house, though he didn't tell the robbers that he lived there.

 

[KristinLynne]

You are very welcome Pete and it is true that those memories can stay buried like in the girl you dated. While I got away she had her power taken away and it is the hardest thing to live with and sometimes even harder to try and take it back.

This unlimited force is what I was trying to tell you we have access to, even if we are “objectively” weaker, because it doesn’t "originate" from the body, although the body is able to act with this force.
Processing our feelings afterwards together with my friend while walking to safety (she asked then where the force came from) gave me the awareness of a way to access force, and in the later physical attacks I had to deal with in life, it allowed me to let the anger skyrocket instantly.
What I had gained in this “sample” event I never lost, and I built further growth on it in every area.

This is so very true and if you are lucky enough to meet the force inside is can be very empowering.

Actually, it does originate from the body. It is adrenaline. Spikes in adrenaline can give the human body what seems like supernatural strength - mothers have even been known to lift the weight of a car off of their child. The human body, and the mechanisms that kick in for survival, are amazing things.

I think it is the adrenaline married with ancient knowledge that combines with a force or becomes the force that allows us to survive some of the most traumatic events.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. We all need to be extra vigilant now. As people move further and further into financial dire straits and ponerization more and more robberies and assaults will happen.

Last month my brother and his family had a near break in. His wife and baby, who are usally away during the day, were home. His wife saw someone come up to the front door and try the doorknob. They then moved to the side door and tried the knob and then left the property. She called my brother, who is a cop and was patrolling the area, and he rushed home. He drove down to the cul-de-sac to turn around and saw two guys standing outside his fence. He ended up arresting them for trying to rob his own house, though he didn't tell the robbers that he lived there.

Sad but true as a SOTT I guess and I am so glad your brothers family was okay!

First time working with quotes so please excuse any mistakes and thanks again.

 

[Chu]

I think it is another way of keeping us helpless. I have courage, but I am convinced courage is something else. And what it takes to defend ourself physically is not courage.

Could you be more specific? I'm not sure I understand what you mean here.

 

[Chu]

This thought made my anger skyrocket to an intensity I had never experienced consciously before, and I felt this concentrate anger was giving me access to unlimited force. (I mean not limited by my official body abilities). [...]
This unlimited force is what I was trying to tell you we have access to, even if we are “objectively” weaker, because it doesn’t "originate" from the body, although the body is able to act with this force.

Actually, it does originate from the body. It is adrenaline. Spikes in adrenaline can give the human body what seems like supernatural strength - mothers have even been known to lift the weight of a car off of their child. The human body, and the mechanisms that kick in for survival, are amazing things.

Indeed. Glad you explained this, Anart, because Danse la vie is being pretty vague when explaining these events, this strength, courage, anger, "force"... I hope she can be more specific for the sake of the discussion. We like facts and explanations here. ;)

 

[Niall]

From another angle, the concept of processing our feelings to avoid getting traumatized, essential and sound in itself, can drift easily towards a focus on processing painful feelings only, forgetting about processing the empowerment experienced during the event, and how it can be a reference to extend our abilities in many directions.

You don't "forget" to "process empowerment", because they are two different things. The processing gives way to the empowerment. These things follow a natural order. First we have to get out of our heads and heal from the body 'upwards', as explained by Levine in In An Unspoken Voice. The state of being which accompanies empowerment is unmistakable and is bestowed on the healing person. S/he does not "choose" the moments of empowerment. This is only to be distracted by the illusion of self-empowerment.

The only conscious choice you need to make lies in sincerely wishing to heal. Once "processing" begins, the choice must be maintained throughout because your head will try to trick you back towards comfortable attachment to your suffering by tempting you with ideas about what a great person you are, how "focusing on the negative is unhealthy", and so on. You become "empowered" by trusting in the process and whatever it may bring up from inside you.

Empowerment is bestowed on you, not intellectually chosen by you. You see the difference?

 

[Gwenllian]

I really owe this whole thread to Trevrizent for seeing in me something that I didn't at the time and asking me to talk about it here on the forum which has also really helped. I know he must be tied up with the recent death of his mother and I hope everything is going okay for him. I hope to hear from you soon my friend.

If you are reading this, Trevrizent, I hope that you are doing well.

 

[Gwenllian]

But acknowledging the anger (or other emotions) and if you can focus that anger on the ones that hurt you will help the healing in the long run. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

I agree, but I have found that although I used to be a very angry person I could not be angry at my parents and other caretakers for having hurt me so badly. That takes time and work I think.
It is necessary to identify the culprits first. Only then we can start experiencing or processing our emotions. In the case of outsiders doing us harm it is fairly straightforward? But in the case of family members or friends it is much harder to acknowledge their wrongdoing. OSIT.

The state of being which accompanies empowerment is unmistakable and is bestowed on the healing person. S/he does not "choose" the moments of empowerment. This is only to be distracted by the illusion of self-empowerment.

The only conscious choice you need to make lies in sincerely wishing to heal. Once "processing" begins, the choice must be maintained throughout because your head will try to trick you back towards comfortable attachment to your suffering by tempting you with ideas about what a great person you are, how "focusing on the negative is unhealthy", and so on. You become "empowered" by trusting in the process and whatever it may bring up from inside you.

That makes sense. It also explains why I sometimes was at a loss for words or actions when it came to (self-)defense. I was angry in general, but could not tap into the empowerment that healthy anger brings, as I had blocked out so many experiences. I could only act as a helpless and mute young girl.
By trusting the process I became more and more empowered, it is true. I could somehow see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that made the whole process ever so much easier. I would not be the person I am today had I not opted for this road to sanity. I am very grateful for all the lessons it has brought me.