"Healing Developmental Trauma" by L. Heller and A. LaPierre

[Laurs]

Just a note that this coming Sunday 29th March the EU-AM reading workshop will start reading and discussing this book, so please join us if you are interested!

 

[Il Matto]

Just a note that this coming Sunday 29th March the EU-AM reading workshop will start reading and discussing this book

And boy, am I glad that we are!
Thinking that we would likely move on to discussing this book I listened to the audiobook version a couple of weeks ago. Reading the book and taking notes, however, has been quite a different experience! Just reading through the explanations of the five survival styles and noting down the things that describe me was quite an eye-opener and certainly not an easy experience. In fact, at one point, I could feel the 'internalised child' in me screaming rebellion (part of the Autonomy survival style that most definitely predominates in me).

I could see the accuracy of the descriptions in myself and in about everyone I've ever known even if they don't always sort out into discrete packages. He says himself that people are mixes of the various types, though there can be dominance of one type or another depending on circumstances.

Yup, that has been my experience so far. When I wrote down the things that describe me for each of the survival styles my list under 'Autonomy Survival Style' was considerably longer than all the others (!) Just to be sure that I wasn't being too harsh or lenient with myself, I asked my wife how accurate she thought my notes were - we both had a pretty good laugh, needless to say, and marvelled at how the authors were able to write such an accurate description without having met me..
According to the authors, people with an autonomy survival style,

"..need to discover how they try to control other people's responses by being the 'good boy or 'nice girl'. They need to find the courage to give up that control by being frank and honest with people and allowing them to respond as they will." (HDT, page 77-78)

So, on that note, and because it goes against the grain, here are the things that I wrote down under 'Autonomy Survival Style' that I can see in myself:
- Focussed on avoiding conflict and pleasing others
- Not forthcoming about negative feelings
- Fear of being criticised
- Internal conflict between internalised demanding parent and withholding child (and resulting ambivalence)
- Placating behaviour (playing the role of 'good boy')
- Afraid of standing up for self, then blaming others for taking advantage of my 'good nature'
- Living with constant pressure (internalised parental pressure) - put pressure on self to be agreeable, responsible and trustworthy, and do what is expected of me
- Very sensitive to what is perceived as the 'expectation' of others
- Tendency to ruminate over personal encounters (real and imagined!)
- 'Efforting' / trying are key coping mechanisms

Quite the litany of internal considering, eh?

I can, of course, see aspects of the other survival styles in myself - 'Connection' and 'Attunement' were my next longest lists, and I absolutely agree that one type can be dominant over others in different circumstances. The above, however, are the chief ways in which my machine 'reacts' to the circumstances I find myself in and buffers me from being able to SEE myself as I am.

A bit deflating? Yes. Hopeful? Absolutely. I have a better idea of what I'm working with now and I'm grateful to have understood a tiny bit more of the lesson(s) that I'm here to learn. All there is is lessons, after all.