Why am i scared of the forum?

I have just been posted the most recent C's sessions from my partner, and reading them has really give me a smack in the face, leaving me almost in tears and rather emotional.

It has been quite awhile since i have posted, or fully looked at any relevant posts with intent.
There seems to be somewhat of a deep 'fear' inside of me when i even imagine diving fully into 'the work' or even participation with the forum.
(When i began to write this my computer completely froze and shut down )

Being introduced to this network from the start has made the greatest changes to my life and the lives of my friends who introduced me. Its actually unbelievable the progression that has been made through this forum.
But that being said, i now find myself in a desolate place where i don't even log on or take the time to keep up to date with the one thing that has been the biggest catalyst of growth in every aspect of my life.
A deep dread or anxiety hits my chest with the thought of posting, or even 'checking in', with the forum.
I deeply struggle with portraying ideas/emotions/thoughts via online networks.There are a bundle of thoughts that need to burst out, but get lost through the process of typing.
The way in which i type is completely self orientated and I struggle to avoid conveying anything without 'I', 'My', Me'! Due to this, it could be said that anything i post would be completely narcissistic or something of a 'status boost' for my Ego.

When fully thinking about it, i don't think it is a form of 'defense mechanism' that inhibits me from posting, in dread of a negative reply. It feels more like a force, something living inside of me that has dissociation on the mind (A part within me, not separate).
When i try to look at it from a more objective view, it seems to be the 'old' me trying to keep me down. It has convinced me that as long as I'm sticking to the diet and reading a book every now and again that I'm where i need to be.

I understand the concept of the predators mind, but i think it understands me more...
Its quite hard to accept that after thinking you have the 'predator' locked down, it swiftly and unknowingly has you back on its leash.

Just needed to get the feeling off my chest, and take the first step. Is it natural to feel this way when entering into this form of community? And with persistence, does the style of typing/writing become more fluid and easier to portray exactly what is on the mind?

Thank you Patty 2292 for posting this, you have more company than you realize.

This is exactly the same way that I feel. I always tell myself that I will log in more often and participate more on the different discussions, but much of what I want to say is also lost through typing. Sometimes, it also happens that while reading the Wave series or other material, I cannot understand the words I read, as if a haze has come over me.

So yes, you are not alone in this, as michaelrc said. And I think you have a valid point, this might very well be your old "me" trying to keep you down.

For me, it manifests in a feeling of inadequacy - the thought that I cannot contribute anything of real value to a group of people that is so much further ahead - that also holds me back from posting on this forum more often.
Freaky that you mention computer problems, mine is also shutting down on a regular basis, even though I recently replaced its internal hard drive and that should have solved the problem, but apparently, it did not.

Anyhow, the main thing of it is, you are not alone in this. We are here right there with you.

crystalicdream said:

For me, it manifests in a feeling of inadequacy - the thought that I cannot contribute anything of real value to a group of people that is so much further ahead - that also holds me back from posting on this forum more often.

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I believe that's very much the issue with those who are apprehensive on posting, best to start little and work your way up (with providing for others) with whatever knowledge you have, it's beneficial even providing little knowledge. Even trying to apply what little knowledge we have to the group helps you learn yourself.

Maybe there is a preconception that someone will deem your ideas/ suggestions/ comments inadequate, but we have to make mistakes right? :D
Participation is what it's all about :P

michaelrc said:

Thank you Patty 2292 for posting this, you have more company than you realize.

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Thank you for the solace :)!!

crystalicdream said:

the thought that I cannot contribute anything of real value to a group of people that is so much further ahead - that also holds me back from posting on this forum more often.

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Very valid point for myself aswell Crystalicdream :) Personally i do have alot more material to get through before i can fully contribute and assist to others on here. But the act of just taking the information supplied by this website would seem to drift towards the STS side of things. Motivation (for me anyway) seems to be needed to help us obtain more knowledge, so that we can give back to the community that has gave us so much. Thus becoming alot more involved.

Hi patty2292,

If it can make you feel any better, we've all been there. And the good news is: it's curable! Just keep doing what you just did: feeling the fear, the resistance and posting anyway.

patty2292 said:

Is it natural to feel this way when entering into this form of community?

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I think so. At least, many forum members reported this feeling.

patty2292 said:

The way in which i type is completely self orientated and I struggle to avoid conveying anything without 'I', 'My', Me'! Due to this, it could be said that anything i post would be completely narcissistic or something of a 'status boost' for my Ego.

Click to expand...

Not necessarily. It's only normal to want to share your experience or your point of view. And doing so without using 'I', 'My' or 'Me' will prove a bit complicated. :)
It's best when people think a little bit about what they want to write but don't overthink it, either.
Because this just might be another trick from the predator's mind to keep you from posting.

patty2292 said:

And with persistence, does the style of typing/writing become more fluid and easier to portray exactly what is on the mind?

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I don't know about 'portraying exactly what is on the mind' - do we ever truly really know what is on our own mind? - but posting does become easier with practice.

Looking forward to reading your future posts! ;D

Mrs. Tigersoap said:

Hi patty2292,

If it can make you feel any better, we've all been there. And the good news is: it's curable! Just keep doing what you just did: feeling the fear, the resistance and posting anyway.

patty2292 said:

Is it natural to feel this way when entering into this form of community?

Click to expand...

I think so. At least, many forum members reported this feeling.

patty2292 said:

The way in which i type is completely self orientated and I struggle to avoid conveying anything without 'I', 'My', Me'! Due to this, it could be said that anything i post would be completely narcissistic or something of a 'status boost' for my Ego.

Click to expand...

Not necessarily. It's only normal to want to share your experience or your point of view. And doing so without using 'I', 'My' or 'Me' will prove a bit complicated. :)
It's best when people think a little bit about what they want to write but don't overthink it, either.
Because this just might be another trick from the predator's mind to keep you from posting.

patty2292 said:

And with persistence, does the style of typing/writing become more fluid and easier to portray exactly what is on the mind?

Click to expand...

I don't know about 'portraying exactly what is on the mind' - do we ever truly really know what is on our own mind? - but posting does become easier with practice.

Looking forward to reading your future posts! ;D

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Very much appreciated Mrs. Tigersoap. Its comforting to know that with effort and persistence to push through the fear, it will become easier. Time after time have i deleted a post or spent to long dwelling on what to say, or more importantly, not say!
Very amazed at how difficult it is to just actually say 'hello', or let people know what were feeling deep down.

patty2292 said:

crystalicdream said:

the thought that I cannot contribute anything of real value to a group of people that is so much further ahead - that also holds me back from posting on this forum more often.

Click to expand...

Very valid point for myself aswell Crystalicdream :) Personally i do have alot more material to get through before i can fully contribute and assist to others on here. But the act of just taking the information supplied by this website would seem to drift towards the STS side of things. Motivation (for me anyway) seems to be needed to help us obtain more knowledge, so that we can give back to the community that has gave us so much. Thus becoming alot more involved.

Click to expand...

Here is one way of participating as you are reading the material which may be of help to others as well. When you feel like you need more clarification on some point or have some insight to share about the material you are reading, use the search function to locate forum threads where the topic has been brought up in the past and post your question or comment there. You may "resurrect" old threads with valuable info which others may have forgotten about or could use a refresher on. You may have raised a question which others had but were too shy or lazy to ask. Given the complex nature of many topics discussed here, it is often helpful to look at things periodically with fresh eyes to improve understanding - at least that has been my experience.

Of course feel free to start a thread if the topic you are asking or sharing about has not come up in the forum search engine.

obyvatel said:

Here is one way of participating as you are reading the material which may be of help to others as well. When you feel like you need more clarification on some point or have some insight to share about the material you are reading, use the search function to locate forum threads where the topic has been brought up in the past and post your question or comment there. You may "resurrect" old threads with valuable info which others may have forgotten about or could use a refresher on. You may have raised a question which others had but were too shy or lazy to ask. Given the complex nature of many topics discussed here, it is often helpful to look at things periodically with fresh eyes to improve understanding - at least that has been my experience.

Of course feel free to start a thread if the topic you are asking or sharing about has not come up in the forum search engine.

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The reply is most welcomed Obyvatel!
Ive done that on the odd occasion in the past, and i do find alot of my books via the threads and recommendations on the forum - but i do need to make a more conscious effort to my reading/learning. If i did not grasp something within the book, i just lazily ignore it and keep going. My lazy self thinks that it would take to long to search for some more info and explanation, and then to re-read.
I have put several books down because i could not fully follow, or as i see it more clearly now - i did not understand .
Thank you for making that point clear to me. Again my ego is always in a rush to get to the end of a book to cross it off the list. But whats the point if ive not even took any of it in !!!

patty2292 said:

Time after time have i deleted a post or spent to long dwelling on what to say, or more importantly, not say!

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I know this very well. I felt the same when I started posting here. It is good to think about what to post. That is the main point. But on the other hand, don't overthink. Simple responses here or there already help other people, and yourself. :)

Well as crystalicdream mentioned earlier Data, '' the feeling of inadequacy'' puts me in a mind set to not actually check posts frequently. Because something inside feels it is no use, that someone else will answer it. Clearly jumping to conclusion to shove helping others under the rug :(.
So obviously being more active, and trying to see if i can assist will calm my anxiety, and probably find some posts i can relate to along the way.

Even michaelrc's simple response was extremely warming! Seems to be that empathy and a few comforting words can go a long way for someone in need.

Thank you for your response :D

patty2292 said:

obyvatel said:

Here is one way of participating as you are reading the material which may be of help to others as well. When you feel like you need more clarification on some point or have some insight to share about the material you are reading, use the search function to locate forum threads where the topic has been brought up in the past and post your question or comment there. You may "resurrect" old threads with valuable info which others may have forgotten about or could use a refresher on. You may have raised a question which others had but were too shy or lazy to ask. Given the complex nature of many topics discussed here, it is often helpful to look at things periodically with fresh eyes to improve understanding - at least that has been my experience.

Of course feel free to start a thread if the topic you are asking or sharing about has not come up in the forum search engine.

Click to expand...

The reply is most welcomed Obyvatel!
Ive done that on the odd occasion in the past, and i do find alot of my books via the threads and recommendations on the forum - but i do need to make a more conscious effort to my reading/learning. If i did not grasp something within the book, i just lazily ignore it and keep going. My lazy self thinks that it would take to long to search for some more info and explanation, and then to re-read.
I have put several books down because i could not fully follow, or as i see it more clearly now - i did not understand .
Thank you for making that point clear to me. Again my ego is always in a rush to get to the end of a book to cross it off the list. But whats the point if ive not even took any of it in !!!

Click to expand...

I can relate to this and reading How to Read a Book by Mortimer J. Adler helped a lot.
In short, he explains that such reading is elementary, effort is required if we really want
achieve understanding. I've also noticed that when you apply effort during reading, it leaves
a more lasting impression.

Anthony said:

I can relate to this and reading How to Read a Book by Mortimer J. Adler helped a lot.
In short, he explains that such reading is elementary, effort is required if we really want
achieve understanding. I've also noticed that when you apply effort during reading, it leaves
a more lasting impression.

Click to expand...

I have taken note of the recommendation, i will definitely look into it. From the material that i have read, it seems that only basic elements of understanding and knowledge have been taken in. Yet still the assumption that 'I know it all' triggers when i hit the last page.
This gives me the satisfaction, but at what cost? :/
Absolutely hating to read up until the age of 18 has clearly left an imprint or learning inability that has yet to be fully evolved.
Shortly, it seems that i really need to 'learn how to learn'.

The reply is much appreciated :)

patty2292, I agree with Mrs. Tigersoap, and I find that it is the STS side of me that prevents me from posting. I struggle to overcome this. Another poster (lainey) used this initiative: to log on once overy day, to respond to at least one post every day.
Good luck.

Hello! Well that's a coincidence I've just logged on to do just that! :D
I speak from experience when I say it does get easier. The more you post the more you build a momentum of sharing. The more you read the more you have to talk about. The main thing for me is to try not to be overwhelmed by all this. Take it slowly, enjoy the experience. You are more likely to take in and retain information if you are relaxed and enjoying yourself. We each learn to interact more at our own pace. Remember we are all rooting for each other to do well and achieve our goals. I don't think anyone is going to shoot you down for anything you say. If there are lessons to be learned in my experience it is approached in a gentle and understanding manner.
It seems to me that the fear you have is a fear of change, of learning things about yourself perhaps you are scared to know or deal with? It can be difficult but what's more difficult is doing it alone. What scares me most is not doing it at all. I can't unlearn what I've learned but I wouldn't change it for the world now I'm here. It feels like I have this passion to achieve something and it's fresh and new and exciting. There is this tremendous sense of solidarity amongst the members.
So what I'm saying is I hope it will be like that for you and I hope you can find the strength to keep going past this first hurdle.
All the best for you and your journey!