Why am i scared of the forum?

[ggen]

I've felt scared to look at cassiopaea website before.. And you know, I feel it even now.. Well now that I've actually registered and have made posts, etc., I'm feeling it MORE

Sometimes, its just a lot of information to process and experiment with, it takes time. You wouldn't start baking another cake in the middle of eating the first one. (Or maybe you would, I don't reaallly know.. )

On the other hand, I get this.. Oh no I'm the predator and I'm gonna be found out any minute now!! That feeling..

If your computer froze up, it seems you are REALLY scared, hesitant, making every attempt to deny yourself access.

I'm fighting that.. Cuz I've denied myself access, too too much. AND even now, I just wanna.. Actually I don't wanna. But I feel.. Which is probably some kind a mind control going on.. Oh yes, enjoy the ride. But I do feel like I wanna just say I'm sorry guys, I'm gonna go die now, sorry to bother you.

Maybe I really am the worst predator 3rd density ever saw... Or maybe I'm brighter than the sun 7th density Angel...

FEAR NOTHING.

Hi cheezemurda49, and welcome to the forum.

Maybe it's because you just recently got a phone and 'connection', or maybe it's something else, but I've noticed a bit of mania to your posts.

For what it's worth, it's okay to slow down a bit and take your time. This can be an exciting place to be, so you might try using the energy that comes with that excitement, to find something here that really grabs your interest. :)

 

[cheezemurda49]

Yes, I've noticed this too. And thank you for showing me the mirror. You're totally right. I'm a bit of a maniac but I don't know if its cuz I'm naturally dramatic and theatrical, or if its just a survival mechanism, or maybe I'm really a narcissist, but I don't think i am.. But I question myself all the time. This is my main life question, who am I? Yes, I'm gonna slow down. Honestly I want some answers! Haaa... But, this voice told me today, that asking Who am I? is really not independent thinking. Part of me ..and I guess I say this not for me, to talk about myself, but maybe others ask this too, part of me explodes on the scene with the raw RAW.. and if its cool, then I know I'm safe, or in the right place. Other wise I waste a lot of time & energy only to find I was in the wrong crowd. And also, my life is such a battlefield and I'm so torn.. STS, STO, which way to go? It would help if I knew who I am, so I can pick one. But at the end of the day, I do not take pleasure in the suffering of others, so even if I chose STS, it wouldn't work for me.. But then its like, lovey dovey makes me wanna puke.. So.. Do I really get to choose, or, like this voice told me yesterday, "the sand is always there", in reference to OP's as sand castles, and an individuated soul has the sand but can crystalize it so the water won't wash it away? Or.. Do I have a choice if I like strawberries? I mean, what determines what I like, and therefore choose? In the meantime, I question everything, mostly myself.

By the way I don't know how to reply directly to a person, brightlight11, thank you, I think I have pertinent questions but they're buriedbin mania , trying to find them.

 

[RedFox]

[..]And also, my life is such a battlefield and I'm so torn.. STS, STO, which way to go? It would help if I knew who I am, so I can pick one. But at the end of the day, I do not take pleasure in the suffering of others, so even if I chose STS, it wouldn't work for me.. But then its like, lovey dovey makes me wanna puke.. So.. Do I really get to choose[..]

Life is a constant choice between STS and trying to be as STO as we can. You'll find no fluff here, just the constant search for truth and a bunch of friendly down to earth people trying to help each other out.
If you want some context for what choice to make, perhaps reading www.sott.net would help. You can't know what you want to do/who you are unless you start to understand yourself and the world you live in. To reach a clearer understanding also means making sure your body and mind is working the best it can, so proper diet, EE (from your point of view, probably minus the baha portion) and dropping anything that alters our perception of reality (you can apply that to substances and beliefs).

As to who you are? Someone else asked Who the hell am I? a few weeks ago.

I also think the following may potentially be really useful for you - self medication and ADHD would fit with Gabor Mates work When the Body Says No, and more so In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts (which deals with his work helping addicts - and we're all addicts in many different ways).

Knowing why we all do things automatically, why we are drawn to self medicating behavior and what can be done about it starts to free us from an automatic uncontrolled existence, and moves us towards being more autonomous. i.e. we get to choose.

 

[tohuwabohu]

I would say that it is not so bad to think about what you write. And no one is all knowing except for the one infinite creator. I think that it is only natural to first read the forum to learn about things. Then after some time you will feel that you actually can answer some question or contribute some opinion of yours and that is the moment when you have to do it even if you have doubts about yourself. The doubts are only because you know that you are not all knowing and that is good. But we are trying to make a mosaic here of all possibilities thus anyone can contribute and the opinions and suggestions are more than welcome.

 

[archangelbob]

Well said tohuwabohu.
You said it better than I could say your name! :P

 

[eleusis]

I've been writing out lots of my mechanical programs and for the first time I can see them in front of my face. It makes it easier for me to make a decision as to what's my true aim. I'm a big over thinker and then jump off into dissociation land pondering the consequences and the consequences of the consequences. Talk about a loop. Nothing gets accomplished as I don't connect with anyone or get closer to any goal and I overstimulate which effects my central nervous system and causes way too much stress.

What I feel when I get on the forum to write is a meeting of minds. I'm somewhat connected here and need to be more connected because that is my mission so there is the forum mind which is growing, participating, expanding and becoming more creative and then there is my more mechanical grooved mind that I've chosen by default by not working on my programs and receiving feedback. The two meet and sometimes there is some dead air, a lack of synapses firing, a boundary that needs to be crossed or a mountain that needs to be traversed. I say mountain because to one used to operating from one's mechanical nature it can at first be Mt. Everest. However, once over it, twice over it, or thrice over it and the mountain gets smaller and smaller and communication gets easier and more in groove.

The cool part is even as I've been reading more of the forum lately and adding a bit here and there that the results are immediate. I"m not feeling debilitating self pity for having been around so long and not participating as much as would be needed to balance my account sheet but instead I'm noting a feeling of joy and ebullience of being in the trenches with everyone else. It's not to be missed or skipped over and I'm feeling some mud on my face, dirt under my fingernails, grease paint under my eyes and I'm uncomfortable but that's kind of real. I know that my non participation here has resulted in a level of non being here and a lack of pathways in regards to this group and it's mind and nature. I have to forge those connections or pathways. That's work and it is often messy and can hurt physically and psychologically. The part that causes me a bit of sadness and regret is I can see in front of my face all the names, people, thoughts and sincerity on this thread alone and that there are lots of friends here, challenges here, experiences here and people of all kinds and beauty to get to know and I've been missing out not by being excluded by them but by my not including myself and letting my predator mind isolate me from the family.

And once last thing from a late bloomer, because there is always something else to add when the sun is shining, what's truly helping me is to write it all out, to journal and actually see it in front of my face. I can then see all the contradictions, fears and weird thinking patterns and start to make sense of it. I get so amazed at the stuff going on in my own mechanical mind that it is comical and I think, 'was that what I was really thinking and doing because it makes no sense at all.' Thanks for opening up this thread so I could participate.

 

[Voyageur]

hello Everyone:

i have the same problem, even though i have read all wave series and Sott, and all Laura's books, but when it is time to post on some topic that i feel interested in, i freeze and i can't think of anything to say.. i know this may sound silly but it is the truth...

regards to all of you :)

Fwiw, it is not silly, Xico, and as you have observed from many posters new and old, there are massive amounts of information contained in threads and when something catches your interest, there may be hesitation to enter the discussion based on, perhaps feeling one will be judged or, that you might think you don’t want to judge, and yet, this very thinking might help one learn something about themselves, about why we judge; as one example.

It is interesting to note in oneself why they might freeze or, why they would post – is a response required for ego/predator reasons; is there judgment, is there joy, is there appreciation for what another has shared that resonates, is there help being offered, or advice that someone might want to hear - does this amount to learning that others can absorb by reading a thread that will later help them? It seems some posts above have just answered this very thing for themselves from the original post – all is a lesson.

Personally, I’ve not enough digits on my hands to count the number of times that I’ve wanted to post, started to post, deleted a draft post – why was this, fear, enacting “stupid” programs (yup, they are there). Perhaps with some of these I might have learned things that will only take longer to learn when I could have just asked. Perhaps in asking, the fear of a mirror would be so abhorrent to my predator mind that there is always this default to not Do – i.e. it is uncomfortable to Do.

Just keep at it, people will help when asked and there are always things to learn...

 

[Wodnik]

I also feel scared by posting and being judge, but another part of me wants to contribute to forum .
Few times in a past I wrote posts and my computer locked up, and I ended up loosing everything I have written.
I also get some kind of mental blockage and can't thing of words .
Now I realized that this stuff is common.

 

[Keit]

I also feel scared by posting and being judge, but another part of me wants to contribute to forum .
Few times in a past I wrote posts and my computer locked up, and I ended up loosing everything I have written.

Yeah, something like this can happen to anyone, and it is very frustrating. Maybe a good way to prevent it is remember to click on "save as draft" button from time to time.

I also get some kind of mental blockage and can't thing of words .
Now I realized that this stuff is common.

Very common indeed. If you want to contribute, maybe you can start with finding interesting articles and then sharing them on the "Suggest an Article for SOTT - and Discuss" section? The only thing, before posting look if it wasn't published before. And if you feel like it, maybe write a small commentary why you think this article is interesting, but it isn't mandatory. fwiw.

 

[Wodnik]

Thanks Keit, and now I started to practice to use" save as draft" option.

 

[genero81]

Good thread for me too. I've definitely been feeling an urgency to start participating here more on the forum. I want to be fully engaged as the C's advised. In recovery, a big part of what we do is share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. I've been around for awhile now. Read a lot over the years as well as been through a lot. I certainly can add my perspective. What's held me back?

I think fear has played a part after being banned. But I think that even more has to do with a sort of transition between motivations. I was really an egomaniac with an inferiority complex back when I first came here. I'm afraid there was a lot of trying to baffle with BS. I had a need to be special because of a deep fear of being defective or something. So I recognized that and it took the wind out of my sails for quite a while. I had to develop new motivations.

I think practicing EE really helped. Overcoming personal challenges, diet, and overall knowledge application. Maybe most important is I wanted the truth regardless of the cost. I wasn't going to blame 4D STS. I knew I had to look in the mirror.

I feel fairly certain that I'm right where I need to be, where I am supposed to be. Like, what I was born into this life to do. And I don't need to be special and try to do it alone. I'm just one among many like minded people trying to do for the human race what it can't seem to do for itself against impossible odds.

 

[SummerLite]

Thank you everyone, this is a beautiful conversation and its helped me also! :D

 

[lainey]

Good thread for me too. I've definitely been feeling an urgency to start participating here more on the forum. I want to be fully engaged as the C's advised. In recovery, a big part of what we do is share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. I've been around for awhile now. Read a lot over the years as well as been through a lot. I certainly can add my perspective. What's held me back?

I think fear has played a part after being banned. But I think that even more has to do with a sort of transition between motivations. I was really an egomaniac with an inferiority complex back when I first came here. I'm afraid there was a lot of trying to baffle with BS. I had a need to be special because of a deep fear of being defective or something. So I recognized that and it took the wind out of my sails for quite a while. I had to develop new motivations.

I think practicing EE really helped. Overcoming personal challenges, diet, and overall knowledge application. Maybe most important is I wanted the truth regardless of the cost. I wasn't going to blame 4D STS. I knew I had to look in the mirror.

I feel fairly certain that I'm right where I need to be, where I am supposed to be. Like, what I was born into this life to do. And I don't need to be special and try to do it alone. I'm just one among many like minded people trying to do for the human race what it can't seem to do for itself against impossible odds.

Thank you genero81 for your honesty. It is a painful thing to realise some things about ourselves. It depressed me greatly to come to the realization that I wasn't as perfect as I though I was. That was just a couple of years back now. The good thing is to look at how far you have come and take those past events as a lesson learned. You can start again with a fresh perspective that will make you stronger and your decisions a bit easier this time.
I for one don't know what I was born to do and try not to dwell on any assumptions about same. I might have been born to pick up sticks and I just happened to come across this work and chose do that as well. We can never know for sure. I think trying to ascribe what you are supposed to do or are meant to do is to put up limitations which can trip us up on our journey. We may become focused on that one thing and become distraught when it doesn't go that way. So for me the work is something that I choose to do. Not because I think it's my mission but because I want to. I intend to help others and in turn make myself a better person.
Good luck to you in your journey. :)

 

[Cleo]

Thank you everyone, this is a beautiful conversation and its helped me also! :D

Yes, thank you everyone for sharing here. This thread has been helpful to read and follow. Definitely notice a sense of fear when posting here at times-seems to highlight both how critical I can be of myself and how egocentric I might just be-an interesting mix.

 

[Pearce]

You're definitely not the only one! I've been reading around for about two years and I just finally joined the forum myself. For me I feel like this place is the "Hall of Mirrors" and it's of such great proportion that it can feel daunting to be in the presence of. At least that's what the emotion looked like on the surface to me. But after recognizing it as a stumbling block, there really was no other option but to dive in. Still new but the water's great :D Glad we've both arrived!