Why am i scared of the forum?

[crystalicdream]

Like a fish who knows nothing about water, such a person actually knows nothing about self worth no matter how much others point out the opposite, no matter what feedback they get from the surrounding world, and without great effort of will, can find no internally generated means of transcending this reality. It seems to me that the fear of posting is the resistance of the Predator’s Mind to the potential of us escaping this fate at this time. Like most self perpetuated horrors, the wounds of shame and self disgust are ‘familiar’ and ‘comforting’ for they are self confirming and known. They are easy – beating oneself up, blaming oneself, self hatred, etc - these are intimate, much loved friends in the dark. They were taught young and learned so deep that they have become the only known reality for that person. The learned survival tactic was to invent self importance through fantasy and a kind of fake will that stretches a mirage of confidence and worth across the wound. So putting oneself at risk of not being that clever, or aware, or able to turn a phrase, or whatever it is the voices within suggest – of being found out as the mediocre, frightened, damaged creature one is - simply can’t be risked! Of course that is exactly what one needs to risk. Of being mirrored, of seeing oneself with all one’s warts and welt marks throbbing and learn that you can survive the experience (I think of the image of the part of Voldemort’s soul hidden under a bench in the final Harry Potter movie, grotesque, red raw and cowering – I remember upon seeing that the first time I thought instantly ‘that’s me!’)… but instead we say No, no,… much safer to keep saying ‘I’ll post some day soon’ or ‘I’m not worthy’ or ‘I’m not ready yet’!

Of course we are not ‘worthy’ or 'rady yet' otherwise our actions would mirror our thoughts – but we can at least try harder at working to become so, and its deeds of effort that matter not the false chains of comfort that bind us. This forum is about the deed of sharing words as deeds and of making that act a sacred one – imbued with compassion and trust and honesty and above all courage. Pick up thy bed and walk! That’s what we have to do as individuals. Risk the shock of being seen! Do what Gurdjieff instructed – seek out uncomfortabliity, use shock as a means to rebirth. For those of us with the wrong kind of water, we need to raise the stakes of the need. We need to see the water as our enemy – that if we don’t get out fast, the water will drown us! We need to grow some lungs and crawl out onto the mud, gasping and risking; to go beyond our comfort zones and our familiar reflexes and force ourselves to do what does not come as naturally as it does to some others.

This really speaks to me a lot, and not only because I love water and am a Pisces. :D
But you are right, this really seems to be the Predator’s mind working within me as well. I can feel it, that whenever I think of posting something, it is like an urge or voice whispering to me that what I do is useless anyway, so why even try? I also have the disposition to beat myself up, blame myself and especially hating myself – and no matter what I do, if I even try to shake away all of these, they come back with even greater force. I have a best friend who at least tries to help me fight this self-hatred, but I realize that even so, it is me who also needs to fight. No outside help will bring anything unless I myself am willing to change this.
As for the Predator’s mind within me, I get the thought in my head that “even if I were to help and participate here, what use would it be to others? What if I would hinder them? I am not one of the chosen people anyway.”
And then I would always see this one image in my mind - in Biology, they once were killing a whole bunch of mice off because they didn't have the means to keep them any more. And I saw myself in these mice and the utter hopelessness. They had no means of escaping this. They were used in experiments and could not stop it, even if they wanted to. They could not prevent being killed. And whenever I remember seeing this, the thought that crushes me the most is "and just like these mice, humanity will not be able to escape from the Predator." But I do not want to think that - there simply must be a way out, there must be!

 

[lainey]

Like a fish who knows nothing about water, such a person actually knows nothing about self worth no matter how much others point out the opposite, no matter what feedback they get from the surrounding world, and without great effort of will, can find no internally generated means of transcending this reality. It seems to me that the fear of posting is the resistance of the Predator’s Mind to the potential of us escaping this fate at this time. Like most self perpetuated horrors, the wounds of shame and self disgust are ‘familiar’ and ‘comforting’ for they are self confirming and known. They are easy – beating oneself up, blaming oneself, self hatred, etc - these are intimate, much loved friends in the dark. They were taught young and learned so deep that they have become the only known reality for that person. The learned survival tactic was to invent self importance through fantasy and a kind of fake will that stretches a mirage of confidence and worth across the wound. So putting oneself at risk of not being that clever, or aware, or able to turn a phrase, or whatever it is the voices within suggest – of being found out as the mediocre, frightened, damaged creature one is - simply can’t be risked! Of course that is exactly what one needs to risk. Of being mirrored, of seeing oneself with all one’s warts and welt marks throbbing and learn that you can survive the experience (I think of the image of the part of Voldemort’s soul hidden under a bench in the final Harry Potter movie, grotesque, red raw and cowering – I remember upon seeing that the first time I thought instantly ‘that’s me!’)… but instead we say No, no,… much safer to keep saying ‘I’ll post some day soon’ or ‘I’m not worthy’ or ‘I’m not ready yet’!

Of course we are not ‘worthy’ or 'rady yet' otherwise our actions would mirror our thoughts – but we can at least try harder at working to become so, and its deeds of effort that matter not the false chains of comfort that bind us. This forum is about the deed of sharing words as deeds and of making that act a sacred one – imbued with compassion and trust and honesty and above all courage. Pick up thy bed and walk! That’s what we have to do as individuals. Risk the shock of being seen! Do what Gurdjieff instructed – seek out uncomfortabliity, use shock as a means to rebirth. For those of us with the wrong kind of water, we need to raise the stakes of the need. We need to see the water as our enemy – that if we don’t get out fast, the water will drown us! We need to grow some lungs and crawl out onto the mud, gasping and risking; to go beyond our comfort zones and our familiar reflexes and force ourselves to do what does not come as naturally as it does to some others.

This really speaks to me a lot, and not only because I love water and am a Pisces. :D
But you are right, this really seems to be the Predator’s mind working within me as well. I can feel it, that whenever I think of posting something, it is like an urge or voice whispering to me that what I do is useless anyway, so why even try? I also have the disposition to beat myself up, blame myself and especially hating myself – and no matter what I do, if I even try to shake away all of these, they come back with even greater force. I have a best friend who at least tries to help me fight this self-hatred, but I realize that even so, it is me who also needs to fight. No outside help will bring anything unless I myself am willing to change this.
As for the Predator’s mind within me, I get the thought in my head that “even if I were to help and participate here, what use would it be to others? What if I would hinder them? I am not one of the chosen people anyway.”
And then I would always see this one image in my mind - in Biology, they once were killing a whole bunch of mice off because they didn't have the means to keep them any more. And I saw myself in these mice and the utter hopelessness. They had no means of escaping this. They were used in experiments and could not stop it, even if they wanted to. They could not prevent being killed. And whenever I remember seeing this, the thought that crushes me the most is "and just like these mice, humanity will not be able to escape from the Predator." But I do not want to think that - there simply must be a way out, there must be!

The thing to remember is that no matter how insignificant a comment may seem to you, it may be the first time somebody else has read your words or seen from your perspective. It may lead to a huge ahaa moment for them. We must put aside our fears of looking silly to truly be able to share all the intimate parts of ourselves that could touch the heart of another and help them on their journey. What is old news to us is brand new for someone out there. Even if you repeat yourself it's ok because there are so many threads on the forum. It increases the chances for someone to come across important knowledge for their lessons.

 

[crystalicdream]

This really speaks to me a lot, and not only because I love water and am a Pisces. :D
But you are right, this really seems to be the Predator’s mind working within me as well. I can feel it, that whenever I think of posting something, it is like an urge or voice whispering to me that what I do is useless anyway, so why even try? I also have the disposition to beat myself up, blame myself and especially hating myself – and no matter what I do, if I even try to shake away all of these, they come back with even greater force. I have a best friend who at least tries to help me fight this self-hatred, but I realize that even so, it is me who also needs to fight. No outside help will bring anything unless I myself am willing to change this.
As for the Predator’s mind within me, I get the thought in my head that “even if I were to help and participate here, what use would it be to others? What if I would hinder them? I am not one of the chosen people anyway.”
And then I would always see this one image in my mind - in Biology, they once were killing a whole bunch of mice off because they didn't have the means to keep them any more. And I saw myself in these mice and the utter hopelessness. They had no means of escaping this. They were used in experiments and could not stop it, even if they wanted to. They could not prevent being killed. And whenever I remember seeing this, the thought that crushes me the most is "and just like these mice, humanity will not be able to escape from the Predator." But I do not want to think that - there simply must be a way out, there must be!

The thing to remember is that no matter how insignificant a comment may seem to you, it may be the first time somebody else has read your words or seen from your perspective. It may lead to a huge ahaa moment for them. We must put aside our fears of looking silly to truly be able to share all the intimate parts of ourselves that could touch the heart of another and help them on their journey. What is old news to us is brand new for someone out there. Even if you repeat yourself it's ok because there are so many threads on the forum. It increases the chances for someone to come across important knowledge for their lessons.

That is true, I have had that happen many times when reading here on the forum. Someone describes something from their perspective, and it would suddenly make things a littlebit clearer to me.
Now, what I have been thinking about as well recently is, how much of our personal journey can be posted. How much is too much? Would there be a point at which you were sharing too many of your "aha"-moments?
I am currently writing down my thoughts while reading "Petty Tyrants" of the wave series, since reading this book has brought me to the conclusion that there is at least one more major program within me that I need to get rid of. I have been writing down what I found out into a diary, but I am unsure what and how much to share with the others on the forum.
How do you know what is too much and how can you prevent from taking yourself to seriously (as this was mentioned to be the major downfall)?

 

[Cleo]

This really speaks to me a lot, and not only because I love water and am a Pisces. :D
But you are right, this really seems to be the Predator’s mind working within me as well. I can feel it, that whenever I think of posting something, it is like an urge or voice whispering to me that what I do is useless anyway, so why even try? I also have the disposition to beat myself up, blame myself and especially hating myself – and no matter what I do, if I even try to shake away all of these, they come back with even greater force. I have a best friend who at least tries to help me fight this self-hatred, but I realize that even so, it is me who also needs to fight. No outside help will bring anything unless I myself am willing to change this.
As for the Predator’s mind within me, I get the thought in my head that “even if I were to help and participate here, what use would it be to others? What if I would hinder them? I am not one of the chosen people anyway.”
And then I would always see this one image in my mind - in Biology, they once were killing a whole bunch of mice off because they didn't have the means to keep them any more. And I saw myself in these mice and the utter hopelessness. They had no means of escaping this. They were used in experiments and could not stop it, even if they wanted to. They could not prevent being killed. And whenever I remember seeing this, the thought that crushes me the most is "and just like these mice, humanity will not be able to escape from the Predator." But I do not want to think that - there simply must be a way out, there must be!

The thing to remember is that no matter how insignificant a comment may seem to you, it may be the first time somebody else has read your words or seen from your perspective. It may lead to a huge ahaa moment for them. We must put aside our fears of looking silly to truly be able to share all the intimate parts of ourselves that could touch the heart of another and help them on their journey. What is old news to us is brand new for someone out there. Even if you repeat yourself it's ok because there are so many threads on the forum. It increases the chances for someone to come across important knowledge for their lessons.

That is true, I have had that happen many times when reading here on the forum. Someone describes something from their perspective, and it would suddenly make things a littlebit clearer to me.
Now, what I have been thinking about as well recently is, how much of our personal journey can be posted. How much is too much? Would there be a point at which you were sharing too many of your "aha"-moments?
I am currently writing down my thoughts while reading "Petty Tyrants" of the wave series, since reading this book has brought me to the conclusion that there is at least one more major program within me that I need to get rid of. I have been writing down what I found out into a diary, but I am unsure what and how much to share with the others on the forum.
How do you know what is too much and how can you prevent from taking yourself to seriously (as this was mentioned to be the major downfall)?

I have wondered about this as well, so I'm not sure how much insight I have into this but I'm thankful you brought it up. I was thinking about networking about my job situation just the other day, then I started to wonder whether it's really necessary, whether I can maneuver it on my own or not. Either way, consequences it seems. I have also wondered what may be considered too much when sharing our personal situations and what we would appreciate feedback on. Feel like I stumble about as I go at times, having the blinders on that I most likely do-one way to look at is there is much to be learned from the effort either way.

 

[obyvatel]

[quote author=crystalicdream]
I am currently writing down my thoughts while reading "Petty Tyrants" of the wave series, since reading this book has brought me to the conclusion that there is at least one more major program within me that I need to get rid of. I have been writing down what I found out into a diary, but I am unsure what and how much to share with the others on the forum.
How do you know what is too much and how can you prevent from taking yourself to seriously (as this was mentioned to be the major downfall)?
[/quote]

We do not know what is too much or when we are taking ourselves too seriously. It is a psychological truth. That is why networking and feedback from others is valuable. Life provides feedback too in different ways - but that is often harder to understand and withstand. Feedback from the network is much softer and easier to understand - at least if we do not get the point we can ask. It can and possibly often does prevent the major downfalls down the road - osit.

 

[Konstantin]

Its very easier to me when i saw that there are lot of people here that share this condition.
I also feel scared to post . I have a desire to participate more, to try to response to some post and actually be helpful. By the way i`v noticed since my childhood that when i help others i feel joy i feel more energetic.
But participating here was a scary to me. First of all English is not my first language and it was a really difficult to express my thoughts.
Then often i have a mental blockage and i couldn't write even one sentence about some theme that i have a lot of thoughts before.
Then the feeling that i will look silly and that my posts are actually just a noise and nothing more.
But reading through this forum and last few Cs sessions give me some extra boost to start to fight all this programs and just be myself as much as i can in that moment. And it is very hard. But its getting more and more easier .
This forum is very helpful for me, i learned a lot of useful information here , so i must participate more and balance the energies.
I really feel better when i post here.

 

[casper]

This is my first forum which I joined. At first I was scared because they do not know my way around the best with the English language, and also I did not know how people will react to my questions, or if you have given to understand (given that I do not write good English spelling) the very essence of what I want to ask, or what I want to say .
I was afraid (honestly) ridicule and ugly words.
As time passed, I realized that now is the people who genuinely want to help you, give you advice and really try to give you as much information which interest.
I enjoy being part of this forum and truly regret it and before I did not join all of this, because I would not made mistakes that I made.

 

[will01]

This is a good thread, thanks for starting it Huxley. There's no doubt I am another hesitant poster. Sometimes I can spend a couple of hours writing only a short post, but it definitely gets easier though.

As for the people for which English is not your first language, I can only imagine how much more difficult that makes things for you. I certainly don't have any problem understanding your posts and appreciate the extra effort you have to put in to participate.

 

[lainey]

This really speaks to me a lot, and not only because I love water and am a Pisces. :D
But you are right, this really seems to be the Predator’s mind working within me as well. I can feel it, that whenever I think of posting something, it is like an urge or voice whispering to me that what I do is useless anyway, so why even try? I also have the disposition to beat myself up, blame myself and especially hating myself – and no matter what I do, if I even try to shake away all of these, they come back with even greater force. I have a best friend who at least tries to help me fight this self-hatred, but I realize that even so, it is me who also needs to fight. No outside help will bring anything unless I myself am willing to change this.
As for the Predator’s mind within me, I get the thought in my head that “even if I were to help and participate here, what use would it be to others? What if I would hinder them? I am not one of the chosen people anyway.”
And then I would always see this one image in my mind - in Biology, they once were killing a whole bunch of mice off because they didn't have the means to keep them any more. And I saw myself in these mice and the utter hopelessness. They had no means of escaping this. They were used in experiments and could not stop it, even if they wanted to. They could not prevent being killed. And whenever I remember seeing this, the thought that crushes me the most is "and just like these mice, humanity will not be able to escape from the Predator." But I do not want to think that - there simply must be a way out, there must be!

The thing to remember is that no matter how insignificant a comment may seem to you, it may be the first time somebody else has read your words or seen from your perspective. It may lead to a huge ahaa moment for them. We must put aside our fears of looking silly to truly be able to share all the intimate parts of ourselves that could touch the heart of another and help them on their journey. What is old news to us is brand new for someone out there. Even if you repeat yourself it's ok because there are so many threads on the forum. It increases the chances for someone to come across important knowledge for their lessons.

That is true, I have had that happen many times when reading here on the forum. Someone describes something from their perspective, and it would suddenly make things a littlebit clearer to me.
Now, what I have been thinking about as well recently is, how much of our personal journey can be posted. How much is too much? Would there be a point at which you were sharing too many of your "aha"-moments?
I am currently writing down my thoughts while reading "Petty Tyrants" of the wave series, since reading this book has brought me to the conclusion that there is at least one more major program within me that I need to get rid of. I have been writing down what I found out into a diary, but I am unsure what and how much to share with the others on the forum.
How do you know what is too much and how can you prevent from taking yourself to seriously (as this was mentioned to be the major downfall)?

Obvyatel is right. We do not know what is too much but I would suggest reading a potential post and asking myself, Is this noise or could it be useful to another? Some people post some very long things full of valuable information and some post reems of word salad without any real message. It can be cathartic to write out our thoughts and for me it helps me to unravel how I am feeling into something concise and understandable. We will never know until we try.

 

[Plume]

Hello Huxley,

I'm quite new on the forum and effectively this topic is an instructive one.
I share the feeling of those who have already answered so I'm not going to expand on this. However what I wanted to add is that this subjet is very helpful to me to understand :
- I'm not a special case in the manner to apprehend this forum,
- others are here to help and not to judge.

So I keep in mind the good advices given to facilitate insertion in sharing conversations and the relfexion : "it's easier not to do so the network is to do".

See you soon on others topics, Plume

 

[3DStudent]

This is my first forum which I joined. At first I was scared because they do not know my way around the best with the English language, and also I did not know how people will react to my questions, or if you have given to understand (given that I do not write good English spelling) the very essence of what I want to ask, or what I want to say .

I think you are doing well. Reading and posting will increase your understanding of the material, as well as the English language. Keep up the good work! :)

 

[Thebull]

I would like to add to this thread as this has described how I have felt about posting on the forum. The fear taking over you and stopping you been able to write about a point of view you may have thinking I'm not clever enough or will I look stupid.
On reflection people who learn from life's lesson's who are walking the path whatever age will have valuable Information that can assist others as we are all on different stages of our journey. Life is a lesson and there are many teachers to learn from if you can manage to stay conscious. This forum has a fantastic wealth of knowledge for everyone to use and i made a choice about a month ago to get involved here. I'm absolutely aware of creating noise for others and this can be debilitating at times. I'm taking it slow and I hope to take part in further discussions as I become more confident.
Thanks for the original post Huxley and to all who have commented it has been extremely helpful.

 

[Alada]

Its very easier to me when i saw that there are lot of people here that share this condition.
I also feel scared to post . I have a desire to participate more, to try to response to some post and actually be helpful. By the way i`v noticed since my childhood that when i help others i feel joy i feel more energetic.
But participating here was a scary to me. First of all English is not my first language and it was a really difficult to express my thoughts.
Then often i have a mental blockage and i couldn't write even one sentence about some theme that i have a lot of thoughts before.
Then the feeling that i will look silly and that my posts are actually just a noise and nothing more.
But reading through this forum and last few Cs sessions give me some extra boost to start to fight all this programs and just be myself as much as i can in that moment. And it is very hard. But its getting more and more easier.

I think that last sentence is a good one to remember. Often when we have these inner struggles, the narrative goes along the lines of "oh, I wish I wasn't like this - I wish I was like that instead" and, because we're not already (instantly!) how we would wish to be, fear and doubt comes along and everything stops (or nothing starts).

Maybe it would be more useful to remember that it's a learning process, that as you say, little by little it gets easier, and it does. In my experience though, thiese kind of thoughts and feelings may not entirely go away, or they may receed for quite a while then suddenly comeback unexpectedly. But once again each time it happens, a reminder to self that no one is perfect, that we might be indeed be wrong, find ourselves embarrased, or that we were being silly or emotional whatever, but that we are trying to learn, to become as we would wish to be, is enough to keep things in check.

So I think it's more a case of learning how the machine is set up, it's quirks and sensitivities, and learning how to make allowances for or ways to navigate around what we find in ourselves. If we never share or post anything though we miss out on that learning experience - nothing in us changes.

Another aspect of things changing and becoming easier with time, is that for all those instances of an imagined sense of 'impending doom' as we hover over Post button, nothing of the kind actually happens. ;)

 

[crystalicdream]

Obvyatel is right. We do not know what is too much but I would suggest reading a potential post and asking myself, Is this noise or could it be useful to another? Some people post some very long things full of valuable information and some post reems of word salad without any real message. It can be cathartic to write out our thoughts and for me it helps me to unravel how I am feeling into something concise and understandable. We will never know until we try.

This is actually a very good point to ponder: if what we post is noise and what message we want to convey.

Another thought has come to me, too: For all the newbies out there and those afraid of posting, please keep in mind that you are on a path and probably took a while to even arrive at this forum! In my case, it took 5 years of intense searching, wading through countless materials, until arriving here. I started with Ra, Val Valerian, the Terra Papers, Hidden Hand and so many other things along the way - and am glad that I found my way here. In light of that, it would be a true shame to not participate more on the forum, to network with others. It cannot be that this journey was just for me alone, and we have to share what we learned. We can only do so when actually posting.
There must be a reason you arrived here. It's an integral part of your journey.

Also, if you still feel unsure about posting about certain topics, try to write your thoughts down in a sort of journal. Take notes. Compare with what others have posted here already. If you are unsure about something, take the courage to ask. The members here are friendly and helpful after all, so there is nothing to fear.

 

[CNS]

Obvyatel is right. We do not know what is too much but I would suggest reading a potential post and asking myself, Is this noise or could it be useful to another? Some people post some very long things full of valuable information and some post reems of word salad without any real message. It can be cathartic to write out our thoughts and for me it helps me to unravel how I am feeling into something concise and understandable. We will never know until we try.

This is actually a very good point to ponder: if what we post is noise and what message we want to convey.

Another thought has come to me, too: For all the newbies out there and those afraid of posting, please keep in mind that you are on a path and probably took a while to even arrive at this forum! In my case, it took 5 years of intense searching, wading through countless materials, until arriving here. I started with Ra, Val Valerian, the Terra Papers, Hidden Hand and so many other things along the way - and am glad that I found my way here. In light of that, it would be a true shame to not participate more on the forum, to network with others. It cannot be that this journey was just for me alone, and we have to share what we learned. We can only do so when actually posting.
There must be a reason you arrived here. It's an integral part of your journey.

Also, if you still feel unsure about posting about certain topics, try to write your thoughts down in a sort of journal. Take notes. Compare with what others have posted here already. If you are unsure about something, take the courage to ask. The members here are friendly and helpful after all, so there is nothing to fear.

These are excellent points.

1) If we are afraid to post because we think what we have to say could be construed as 'noise', we will not know unless we post...and believe me, we will get a gentle notice of such. And then we can learn from it. As Alada said, if we don't learn/post, then we don't change, and that fear will continue. More than likely, though, there will be somebody who can glean something new from what we have to say either way.

2) Journaling or typing on a word processor has helped me to gather my thoughts prior to posting as well.

And I can surely relate to having my reservations about posting too. But, I can attest to ALL of you that have posted here, your thoughts have helped me to see myself in others. So there, your posts have been affective. :) FWIW.