a poem

[Skipling]

These are very honest honest poems, Oxajil, from the heart.

May our dances Open the Creativity in Ourselves
So that we may See

May our feet connect with Earth and Beyond through Divine Gravity
So that we may Feel

Oh to be able to see and feel in a true sense!

May Our singing connect Ourselves with Each Other and One
So that we may Hear

May Our Hands reach All
through Understanding and Knowledge

Together we stand
Hallelujah

The yearning for true empathy! And to consolidate it within us in concert with the lessons learned from our lives. This is so very difficult for me at the moment, and it always has been. You have touched my raw nerves, I don't really know if I have a heart yet. I only feel it when I cry.

The honesty in your poetry is really beautiful, and the courage to express yourself comes from the LionHeart within.

sad
incomplete
hopeless
machine - desiring to self-destruct any time soon

oh divine cosmic mind
please help me
please guide me
through this tunnel
this tunnel of despair

This is so descriptive of the inner conflicts, the eternal battle for our hearts and minds, and our growth of soul. I know exactly of that which you speak, albeit in my own way. You are meeting the Divine Cosmic Mind halfway, in symbiosis of efforts and the courage to speak from the Heart. I will take great encouragement and inspiration from you!

i see you
smiling upon me
no matter where i go
there you are
it seems you know
where i'm going - it gives me hope

I should have this imprinted in my memory banks when I'm low. I forget so easily...

and only God is watching us

it makes us shy

The above lines are so true. When I have felt the Divine presence I clam up and hide, like a combination of anger, self-pity and shame.Oxajil, thank you for sharing your work and your heart, I will bookmark this thread to re-read your poems when I struggle with confidence, mood and the pit of doubts. Very inspiring and highly resonant I find them.

I am privelaged to be a member of this forum. Oxajil, and of course Ark and Laura (without which none of this would exist), Thank You!

From your stream you found the river, meeting all others in the cosmic sea.

 

[Oxajil]

Wow you don't know how much that means to me Skipling. I'm so happy the poems help you in some way. Thank you Skipling. You inspire me even more.

What about you? Do you write anything? Maybe music? Drawing? Or maybe you're good with creatively making connections between things? Or with solving problems?
Keep practicing, if it has a positive effect on your life! It's like a muscle you can train, I think. And don't be afraid to share!

 

[Skipling]

Well, the creative will surrendered itself a fair few years back, and I am a little embarrassed to admit this.

I have a short story on the backburner at the moment but I need to consider re-writing the ending. The first draft went well, but the story petered out into nonsensical X-Filian madness. I need to re-imagine the story as I originally conceived it. And work on it thoroughly, of course! ;)

Poetry? It has been quite a long while, many years since I've felt capable, as I am struggling with many problems which I have alluded to on the swamp thread with Smallwood. But now I realise that the DCM has been calling me back to art in the general sense for SO many years, and I have resisted. My excuse has been that I was making up for lost time on the reading front. I have an intimidatingly large pile of books to read, but gradually I have realised that I need to bring my life back into balance, and art will most surely and definitely be a part of that process.

I paint too. My avatar is a painting I gave to my elder brother and his partner as a Christmas gift in 2008. The sad thing is, I have not painted one picture this year, only a few sketches. The DCM is with me whenever I draw, in particular. I wanted to study art as a teenager after leaving school, but my local college rejected my application for a foundation course for a degree. That really knocked the stuffing out of me, but it led to me studying sociology, english, and I think even, developing my mind to the level where I was ready for the deep concepts which I found here on Sott! :D I needed to develop my intellectual side, the drawing and painting was almost instinctive with me as a child. Reading and writing was a result of solid graft; it did not come half as easily. Not when the subject matter became so deep that is! It's great fun finding out what you're capable of though isn't it?

That's why my mantra these days is "many rivers reach the sea". Like the mosaic consciousness, I hope to blend all my i's into a purified colinear whole one day. Through extreme suffering I have learned, with A LOT of help from my friends here, to be far more patient with myself and work on developing those areas of my whole that have fallen into atrophy. I know I can recover.

You've got an original approach to your craft, artwise too Oxajil. The paint sketch in red suggests a very confident hand, with assertive brushstrokes. I would encourage you to continue to explore your mind and heart with words and paintings, and I intend to get back on the saddle myself too! And there is a real honesty in your work that I think isn't quite there with me yet. Perhaps sometimes, but not enough for my satisfaction. You speak from the heart. I love that, mainly because sometimes, and maybe more than sometimes, I am afraid to do so.

Again another reason to rejoice on this beloved forum. We inspire one another to work and grow, and indeed have fun in doing so!

I always aim to be inspired by my heroes, but your work has taught me something profound. Not to put form over content. I think I have fallen into formalism in my work and become staid as a consequence. This I need to shake up in order to re-invigorate my love for art. The heart is my problem. I know this on a profound level. Art is therapy for me. If I explore it more positively now (and I do have some ideas tucked away), I may be able to exorcise my emotional centre.

I have loved music for years and years, but have no talent. However, I have purchased a keyboard synth with a drum machine/sequencer because I wanted (maybe even needed?) to try out a new hobby. It is on the way in about a week. I'll just be learning how to program it I reckon. My dream is for some sweet ambient noodling. Somewhere between my heroes I suppose. John Martyn, David Gilmour, and a little Aphex Twin, Black Dog, and the rich swirl of La Mer by Debussy. I'll keep it simple, I know how difficult music can be to create. I've been close with many amateur musicians over the years. My inner child has been in my heart recently, and he has been uring me to get a synth which can create simple loops. I really think I'll learn something new!

The motto for my projects if and when I get started is to keep it simple and aim for the heart. And not to expect the moon on a stick. I have been too much the dreamer, the perfectionist.

Keep practicing, if it has a positive effect on your life! It's like a muscle you can train, I think. And don't be afraid to share!

Thank you Oxajil! You are SO right about the muscle analogy. I need to work out big time, because I think I've been disappointing the DCM on this front for quite some time. Once you get your hand in, you get back into the swing of things. And since I'll only be painting for myself, there'll be far less pressure. I painted pictures for friends and family as Christmas gifts in recent years, and a few of them brought me to tears of frustration, because I couldn't get my vision onto the boards. They didn't live up to my expectations. I always want to "blow 'em away", and this is part of my problem. I am gonna work without pressure this time!

Plus I need to make the time to view the works of others on this board too. I'm way too insular, the artistic i's are in a shell within me, and they need to be allowed out. Really, thank you. You have been of great help to me and your work clearly speaks to many of us in our current conditions. More power to your creative hand!!

 

[Oxajil]

Well, the creative will surrendered itself a fair few years back, and I am a little embarrassed to admit this.

I have a short story on the backburner at the moment but I need to consider re-writing the ending. The first draft went well, but the story petered out into nonsensical X-Filian madness. I need to re-imagine the story as I originally conceived it. And work on it thoroughly, of course! ;)

That's cool!

Poetry? It has been quite a long while, many years since I've felt capable, as I am struggling with many problems which I have alluded to on the swamp thread with Smallwood. But now I realise that the DCM has been calling me back to art in the general sense for SO many years, and I have resisted. My excuse has been that I was making up for lost time on the reading front. I have an intimidatingly large pile of books to read, but gradually I have realised that I need to bring my life back into balance, and art will most surely and definitely be a part of that process.

I paint too. My avatar is a painting I gave to my elder brother and his partner as a Christmas gift in 2008. The sad thing is, I have not painted one picture this year, only a few sketches. The DCM is with me whenever I draw, in particular. I wanted to study art as a teenager after leaving school, but my local college rejected my application for a foundation course for a degree. That really knocked the stuffing out of me, but it led to me studying sociology, english, and I think even, developing my mind to the level where I was ready for the deep concepts which I found here on Sott! :D I needed to develop my intellectual side, the drawing and painting was almost instinctive with me as a child. Reading and writing was a result of solid graft; it did not come half as easily. Not when the subject matter became so deep that is! It's great fun finding out what you're capable of though isn't it?

That's why my mantra these days is "many rivers reach the sea". Like the mosaic consciousness, I hope to blend all my i's into a purified colinear whole one day. Through extreme suffering I have learned, with A LOT of help from my friends here, to be far more patient with myself and work on developing those areas of my whole that have fallen into atrophy. I know I can recover.

You've got an original approach to your craft, artwise too Oxajil. The paint sketch in red suggests a very confident hand, with assertive brushstrokes. I would encourage you to continue to explore your mind and heart with words and paintings, and I intend to get back on the saddle myself too! And there is a real honesty in your work that I think isn't quite there with me yet. Perhaps sometimes, but not enough for my satisfaction. You speak from the heart. I love that, mainly because sometimes, and maybe more than sometimes, I am afraid to do so.

With a spirit like yours, I'm sure you will battle/overcome that fear sometime soon :)

Again another reason to rejoice on this beloved forum. We inspire one another to work and grow, and indeed have fun in doing so!

I always aim to be inspired by my heroes, but your work has taught me something profound. Not to put form over content. I think I have fallen into formalism in my work and become staid as a consequence. This I need to shake up in order to re-invigorate my love for art. The heart is my problem. I know this on a profound level. Art is therapy for me. If I explore it more positively now (and I do have some ideas tucked away), I may be able to exorcise my emotional centre.

Yes, sometimes I use poetry as a way to express my current feelings and thoughts, then when I'm done I use my intellect for grammar touching ups, and maybe changing the sentences to make it flow the way I want to. Guess everyone has his/her own way of going with creativity.

I have loved music for years and years, but have no talent. However, I have purchased a keyboard synth with a drum machine/sequencer because I wanted (maybe even needed?) to try out a new hobby. It is on the way in about a week. I'll just be learning how to program it I reckon. My dream is for some sweet ambient noodling. Somewhere between my heroes I suppose. John Martyn, David Gilmour, and a little Aphex Twin, Black Dog, and the rich swirl of La Mer by Debussy. I'll keep it simple, I know how difficult music can be to create. I've been close with many amateur musicians over the years. My inner child has been in my heart recently, and he has been uring me to get a synth which can create simple loops. I really think I'll learn something new!

Nice! You should definitely give it a try!

The motto for my projects if and when I get started is to keep it simple and aim for the heart. And not to expect the moon on a stick. I have been too much the dreamer, the perfectionist.

Keep practicing, if it has a positive effect on your life! It's like a muscle you can train, I think. And don't be afraid to share!

Thank you Oxajil! You are SO right about the muscle analogy. I need to work out big time, because I think I've been disappointing the DCM on this front for quite some time. Once you get your hand in, you get back into the swing of things. And since I'll only be painting for myself, there'll be far less pressure. I painted pictures for friends and family as Christmas gifts in recent years, and a few of them brought me to tears of frustration, because I couldn't get my vision onto the boards. They didn't live up to my expectations. I always want to "blow 'em away", and this is part of my problem. I am gonna work without pressure this time!

Yes, have a simple/sketchy idea on how you want it to look, not an Exact idea. And then start and let it flow out. If you concentrate too much on the result (which is not there) then you anticipate and you might become disappointed every time. When the heart speaks, perfection exists!

Plus I need to make the time to view the works of others on this board too. I'm way too insular, the artistic i's are in a shell within me, and they need to be allowed out. Really, thank you. You have been of great help to me and your work clearly speaks to many of us in our current conditions. More power to your creative hand!!

Thank you so much, more power to your creative hands as well!!!! Together we stand :D

 

[Oxajil]

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

 

[Windmill knight]

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

:( Hope everything is ok, Oxajil! Hugs your way.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

Hi Oxajil,

First, I want to say that I really appreciate what you wrote when you first started this thread. I feel the same way about this site and couldn't have said it better myself!

Your poems are so beautiful in their simplicity, like a fluid watercolor painting or soft melody. Your version of the prayer was also very nice and I appreciated the imagery you used! You are great at painting pictures with your words in all of your poems!!

I like the idea of putting music behind them if that's something you are inspired to do. If you have the right computer program you could make a movie and put up one line at a time and have a slow transition between lines while a song is playing in the background. You could even get fancy and add photographs if you wanted. I made some progression videos by photographing my artwork that way. I was able to put text over the photos and even put up credits at the end! It was cool! I created it on Windows Movie Maker and I found the program to be very user friendly.

I paint too. My avatar is a painting I gave to my elder brother and his partner as a Christmas gift in 2008.

It looks really nice and I would be curious to see a larger picture of it! :D

The motto for my projects if and when I get started is to keep it simple and aim for the heart. And not to expect the moon on a stick. I have been too much the dreamer, the perfectionist.

This is how I feel about my artwork these days too! I've become so controlled and obsessed with detail that something in them has been lost.

Keep practicing, if it has a positive effect on your life! It's like a muscle you can train, I think. And don't be afraid to share!

Thank you Oxajil! You are SO right about the muscle analogy. I need to work out big time, because I think I've been disappointing the DCM on this front for quite some time. Once you get your hand in, you get back into the swing of things. And since I'll only be painting for myself, there'll be far less pressure. I painted pictures for friends and family as Christmas gifts in recent years, and a few of them brought me to tears of frustration, because I couldn't get my vision onto the boards. They didn't live up to my expectations. I always want to "blow 'em away", and this is part of my problem. I am gonna work without pressure this time!

I like this muscle analogy too, Oxajil! I think when my students are appearing lazy in class I'm going to tell them their artistic muscles will grow weak if they don't keep it going! ;D And Skipling, making art for a hobby instead of work is so much better, indeed, which is why I refrain from commission work as much as possible! Art-making can be a great healing modality if you let it be. Happy creating to everyone!! :)

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

<3 <3 Hearts and flowers to hopefully bring a smile your way! :)

 

[pete02]

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

Such sadness from such a bright and beautiful young lady? I hope all is well with you little one, sending virtual hugs and flowers your way..

 

[Oxajil]

Hi Oxajil,

First, I want to say that I really appreciate what you wrote when you first started this thread. I feel the same way about this site and couldn't have said it better myself!

Your poems are so beautiful in their simplicity, like a fluid watercolor painting or soft melody. Your version of the prayer was also very nice and I appreciated the imagery you used! You are great at painting pictures with your words in all of your poems!!

Thank you so much That gives me inspiration to keep on writing!

I like the idea of putting music behind them if that's something you are inspired to do. If you have the right computer program you could make a movie and put up one line at a time and have a slow transition between lines while a song is playing in the background. You could even get fancy and add photographs if you wanted. I made some progression videos by photographing my artwork that way. I was able to put text over the photos and even put up credits at the end! It was cool! I created it on Windows Movie Maker and I found the program to be very user friendly.

That's awesome! Too bad I don't think I would have the time to do something like that. But maybe when I have, I'll give it a shot. Does sound fun :D

I like this muscle analogy too, Oxajil! I think when my students are appearing lazy in class I'm going to tell them their artistic muscles will grow weak if they don't keep it going! ;D And Skipling, making art for a hobby instead of work is so much better, indeed, which is why I refrain from commission work as much as possible! Art-making can be a great healing modality if you let it be. Happy creating to everyone!! :)

Yes, I agree! But I think commission work, can also come from the heart!

And thank You, Windmill knight and Pete02 for your Hugs and Flowers! Hope you all are doin okay!

 

[Skipling]

With a spirit like yours, I'm sure you will battle/overcome that fear sometime soon

Thank you sincerely for the encouragement. :) The only thing is, I don't see this spirit in me too often. I see the spirit of a battler who soldiers on through adversity, is that what you mean?

I think my problem is is that I just lack confidence to begin, and so put off any potential projects I have dreamed up in my mind. For instance, I have been visualising some sepia paintings of grieving Palestinian Mothers, I think I was inspired by Rembrandt on this. Not the sepia part, but more the warts and all close up intensity of his portraits. I don't want them to be pretty; I want them to be striking. I am taking a week off work soon, and boy I need it. I will try to begin my paintings before then, but I really have been like the boy who cried wolf for so long now I doubt my own promises. One I makes the promise, then another i has to keep it. Perhaps by declaring this intent here on the forum something within me will actually do something for a change. I think i should change my forum name to Bagpuss, the lazy cloth cat that I used to watch on television in my childhood.

I also have some charcoals which my brother gave me! they are a great way to draw, because you can smudge them in with your fingers and create very realistic shades when drawing faces. When a teenager, drawing people was my speciality. Oxajil, I strongly recommend using them if you haven't before, they are great fun. ;D I am going to warm up with a drawing of my favourite image of a warrior! I've got a small sketck of it already saved on my phone. I'll try and remember how to upload it onto the computer in the next couple of days. I am so unintegrated it is untrue. I forget how to do the simplest of things. :( No. That is dishonest. I am lazy and I put off until tomorrow what I can always do today. One day will be the final tomorrow; what will I do then?

Yes, sometimes I use poetry as a way to express my current feelings and thoughts, then when I'm done I use my intellect for grammar touching ups, and maybe changing the sentences to make it flow the way I want to. Guess everyone has his/her own way of going with creativity.

~The sound of a very large heavy penny dropping to the ground with a thud near Skipling/Bagpuss' weary head.~

You've just woken me up to a crushing assumption I made about my intellect: I thought when I was looking over my work intellectually, I was in predator mode! This has been part of my reluctance to return to working on my artistic projects. That added to the pressure I was putting on myself to try and sell them in order to raise myself out of poverty. I need to work on the spiritual poverty regarding confidence first. I am learning that others see me in a very different way to how I see myself. Typical negative introject. What a fool. :(

I am sorry. I have just had a bit of a cry about this. I have unblocked a large part of myself and really made a breakthrough in self remembering. I spoke aloud from within to my self and said "why don't you remember me? Please remember me..". Oh God, I've been rejecting my true self (or at least a big part of it), thinking it was the Predator's mind.

Yes, have a simple/sketchy idea on how you want it to look, not an Exact idea. And then start and let it flow out. If you concentrate too much on the result (which is not there) then you anticipate and you might become disappointed every time. When the heart speaks, perfection exists!

Your intelligence, faith and optimism shines. You are an inspiration. Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement. Where has my common sense been? Dormant, locked inside deep within the heart....finally I am learning how to be human again.

It looks really nice and I would be curious to see a larger picture of it!

The photo actually looks way better, because the flash caught the sun in the painting in an unintentionally spectacular way. I love happy accidents. Miles Davis taught me well. There is no such thing as a wrong note, just a different note that needs different complementation. Thank you for your kind praise though, I appreciate it. :)

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

That is heavy, and mysteriously sinister. I won't speculate about why you wrote it, and reader response criticism can often be way off from me, but that speaks to me. Particularly the final stanza and the pay off line. I hope this is not you attacking yourself. That is something I have made an artform out of myself (pun intended).

Oh, Art, redeem this drowning introject and soothe the soreness that burns the eyes blind.
Shake free from the mantle of guilt and blame, and unshackle the locks of shame.
Forgiveness is in the remembering as two faces stare eye to eye,
As fools in a mirror, You and I...
A cracked reflection in distorted view
Mutating thoughts and beliefs askew.
The serpent wriggles in my mind,
Identities are intertwined.
Until the heart can match the brain
The poet wears the mark of Cain.

That's my mental illness off the cuff for you all. Chin up I say, but deep down I know it's going to take a whole lot more work than that. But then, "I" just jammed that up out of nowhere. I hear the Divine Cosmic Mind. She is COACHING me. "it's a start" she says. "Much to learn. Peel away and peer within to see..."

Good wishes again to you all, and may the creative works inspire us all to reclaim our lost estate, be that our minds, bodies, friendships or worlds.....

 

[shijing]

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

Oxajil, I liked this a lot too. The symmetry and brevity are really effective. You certainly seem disappointed in someone.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

Oxajil, I liked this a lot too. The symmetry and brevity are really effective. You certainly seem disappointed in someone.

Ditto Oxajil. When I read it, my initial thought was uh-oh did someone hurt Oxajil?
Hope all is ok *hugs*

 

[Aiming]

Deep Sadness

Unexpected red eyes
Looking right into mine
Unexpected dark smile
Cutting right into my heart
Unexpected touch
Giving me the coldest shivers

I wish you were
as the you I knew
and not the demon you are

you are now.

Oxajil, I liked this a lot too. The symmetry and brevity are really effective. You certainly seem disappointed in someone.

Ditto Oxajil. When I read it, my initial thought was uh-oh did someone hurt Oxajil?
Hope all is ok *hugs*

Sending you hugs, too, Oxajil, and hope you're OK...if not, you know where to turn to!

 

[Skipling]

Yeah, I hope you're not feeling too down about anything at the moment too!

Life is so tough these days isn't it? We're all being worn down by the burdens it seems...

You always know that we are all good listeners here who can help each other.

 

[Oxajil]

Thank you guys so much!
Yes life can be surprising and tough sometimes. But even tough times can turn out to be times I can learn a lot from, and maybe others too.
I'm doing much better now, I just had a down moment and I had to express it in some way! I didn't expect you guys would pick it up like that, I thought I could be sneaky, but no way

You guys make my heart light up.