Anxiety

[anart]

Hi Harold,

I'm a little confused. It's been 1.5 hours since your last post, so are you saying that in one and a half hours you went to a doctor, had blood taken for tests, the tests were run and you were able to go over the results with the doctor, then return home and post? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you, since that seems really fast!?

 

[EGVG]

Hi Harold,

I'm a little confused. It's been 1.5 hours since your last post, so are you saying that in one and a half hours you went to a doctor, had blood taken for tests, the tests were run and you were able to go over the results with the doctor, then return home and post? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you, since that seems really fast!?

That is weird! :O

 

[anart]

Well, I see that he said he was having blood tests in the morning, so, perhaps when he said they went over the tests, he meant which tests would be conducted? He must have a good doctor, though, to get an appointment and get in to see her within an hour and get back home so quickly. It definitely does not work that way in the States.

 

[Guardian]

Hi Harold,

I'm a little confused. It's been 1.5 hours since your last post, so are you saying that in one and a half hours you went to a doctor, had blood taken for tests, the tests were run and you were able to go over the results with the doctor, then return home and post? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you, since that seems really fast!?

It looks to me like 4 hours between posts...and the blood work is tomorrow?

Re: Anxiety
« Reply #27 on: Today at 01:38:08 PM »

Re: Anxiety
« Reply #29 on: Today at 05:41:10 PM

"I just came back from the doctor. I am going in for blood work tommorow morning. She brought up my thyroid. She said I looked depressed. We talked about my mental health. She only ask about my theraputic history. "

 

[anart]

Hi Harold,

I'm a little confused. It's been 1.5 hours since your last post, so are you saying that in one and a half hours you went to a doctor, had blood taken for tests, the tests were run and you were able to go over the results with the doctor, then return home and post? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you, since that seems really fast!?

It looks to me like 4 hours between posts...and the blood work is tomorrow?

Perhaps you don't have access to all his posts in list format to easily see when posts were made. He posted in another thread in the interim. I also mentioned in the post prior to yours that he stated he was getting blood work in the morning - thus my confusion about his saying they went over the tests. Perhaps you had not read all the posts in the thread before posting.

 

[Guardian]

Perhaps you don't have access to all his posts in list format to easily see when posts were made. He posted in another thread in the interim.

Ahhhh...you're right, it was in another thread I didn't see.

"The Real World / Diet and Health / Re: Serotonin Deficiency Syndrome on: Yesterday at 04:01:37 PM
Thanx Ana and Anart,

I am going. I took a nice cool shower and shaved, it helped a great deal."

Good catch! You quick like a bunny

 

[ocean59]

Hi Harold,

I remembered when you joined the forum, as one of your first posts was in a thread I was personally involved in over in the Newbie section. I spent some time today catching up on your posts, to see if I could help you in any way, as you have been posting quite a lot lately, about the various problems you are experiencing. I'll be jumping around a bit, from various threads in the past. I hope you don't mind, and find this reflection useful. I have a number of questions as well, in an attempt to better understand your situation.

Hi everyone, I just had to jump on here as I am having allot of anxiety lately.

My palms are sweaty, they sort of feel like ballons. Pins n needle in my back, pains in my chest, that move around a little.

My heart is beating a little fast but not that bad.

I havent done EE for a few days, as I think this has something to do with it.

Also too, I am writing a big posting to share here, in the swamp, Im talking about my life, it is painful, bringing up lots of stuff.

I am giong to the store to get some valerian.

This has been happening everyday since I re-started EE again.

I do not understand, it sounds like you are saying that both doing the EE and stopping the EE are causing your symptoms at the same time. Which is it?

To I notice that I have been realeased from addictive behavior, I still smoke though. Since march I am not interested in eating, it has become a chore. Prior to this I was a binge eater at times, I really enjoyed food, and on occasion would stuff myself with food, nothing too bad, Im in average shape, I exercise, eat well, take some vitamins etc.

Is it safe to assume then, that since March, you also have not been exercising or taking vitamins also?

Are you aware that most people on this forum do not consider smoking to be a bad thing? You've been talking about trying to quit since you joined in February, even going so far as to say that quitting smoking cigarettes would be a wonderful gesture you would like to make towards Laura.

I was a little bit of a binge drinker in the last couple years, meaning I did not drink much, but when I did, I would have about 6 drinks, which is too much. Now I dont drink at all, thanks EE.

When did you stop drinking?

My thinking is confused right now, I cant find the EE thread, and panicked a little, so I just got on this thread to say this.

This has happened before, where you were specifically unable to find the EE thread. Why would it make you panic now? What were you afraid would happen if you could not find it?

There is something else I would like to comment on:

Back in February, you had said,

Now I look at the influences regarding my meditation and the main 'teacher' I had was my pastor at this new age church I used to go to, this was a place for psychics and messages were given from the other side there. One of the reasons (and this is before I even knew of the Cassiopaean stuff) I stopped going was I found out the pastor was a high level mason, too he would sort of read my mind and make inappropriate comments out of the blue regarding my past. I find this to be part and parcel of a certain philosophy of the one I wish not to mention. In short it felt very controlling. If I'm asked to say who it is, I will, but would rather not if you don't mind.

Also too after a couple months of attending this 'spiritual society' two persons, whom I personally see as very large influences in my life, just showed up out of know where. They are the only two psychics I had ever seen, and they both showed up, and then the Pastor said he had visions of me up on the podium and such, others in the congregation made such remarks too, like allusions to me having psychic ability, that I can give messages from the other side. I found all the ego stroking weird.

Anyways that was all too much.... when the universe gave me a little nudge out of there(I was unemployed for for a few months).... I took it and haven't been back. I miss it though, the singing, the wonderful people, my pastor..... no regrets, just great memories..... so whadda think? C'est bizzare...non?

Then in April, after a sudden month dropoff in posting:

The "your an ascended master" programe was used on me very paitiently and over quite a period of time and with the involvement of many channellers and psychics trying to influence me in this new age church I joined a few years ago. I can only say, in short, that figuring out that one took allot of help, which did not appear to be helpful at the time. Losing my job for example, I think helped me to be away from their influence and see clearly what was happening.

Shortly after that message, your computer crashed & your ISP disconnected you for a few months, and you said this prevented you from doing any EE related work.

3 weeks ago, you re-introduced yourself to the forum, and said in part:

I've been contemplating a method of communicating appropriate ideas to engage some physic's I know to get them to think about stuff. And the analogy of "As above so below" as my premise. I want to draw their attention to the history and mythology of the unknown. The myriad of creatures, fairies, trolls, masters, avatars, demigods, monsters, giants and so on. What does this remind me of? Well here of course.

[...]

Two physic's in particular, who have helped me a great deal are in my old church. I had met them before attending this church, it is a new agey, physic church, where we receive messages and so forth. Anyways these two physic's just showed up serendipitously after I started to attend, all three of us came from 2 cities away to go there. Very love and light sort of place this church, for me very spooky.

While there my ego was massaged, tickled, told I would be up on the pulpit, channelling messages to the masses, using my mighty yet unrealized psychic powers.... me! A guy off the street who wonders in to your church, they don't even know me! (but that's what they saw!) On top of that these two physic's friends working on me, using astrology, tarot, numerology, messages and so fourth. Again on paper, my numbers and charts 'state' I'm unique and special!

They made me feel special, giving me 4 hour sessions, telling me things no one knew, oh the feelings this created. I'm being vague about the specifics of what was told to me, as it is a little too 'strange' and 'weird', I'm just glad that whatever got me out of there did! I still keep in touch with these people and wish to enrich their lives, as they have mine. I sometimes think about getting back into the church, with hopes that they will put me up on the pulpit, I would really give them something to think about.(woah....gotta check my ego there.... lots to see here folks)

Perhaps I am not understanding entirely, but it sounds to me you wish to persuade your 2 psychic friends (whose behavior was one of many factors you cited as a reason for leaving said church) to see everything the same way as you do, whether or not they desire to do so. It sounds like you wish to trick them into thinking the same way you do, in an ultimate effort to bring them here, to this church. You said before that you missed these people without regret, and found them controlling, weird, and unhelpful, but now say you still keep in touch with them, and wish to enrich their lives, as they have yours. You even say you hope they will "put you on the pulpit" and for what I ask? It almost sounds as if you want to convert all these people, or some such!

I am curious to hear more about the time you spent off-forum between April-August, as you haven't really talked much about it. This also seems to be the time where you say you began having problems with diet, and not eating well. I almost feel like the same Harold that arrived in February, arrived again in late July, furiously seeking the same answers to each and every problem in life from the members here. Did you independently follow up on any of the suggestions made in all the mass posting you did back in February/March? Have you finished reading book one of the Wave yet? (You had mentioned you were going to finally finish it 4 weeks ago that weekend) Do you have any intention of changing your diet and eating properly (as opposed to just adding supplements) Do you understand that there is no 'magic cure' for all the symptoms you are going through on a daily basis?

But mostly my concern is my behavior... or lack of.

I dont want to talk about anything to do with this site, A) cause no one understand what the heck I am talking about.
B) Cause everyone around me is oblivious

It really bothers me, I feel useless. My attempt to stay under the radar has its disadvantages. Not having credit cards, cash only lifestyle, not participating in society as I see all others do.

I feel very alone with my ideas and thoughts, I really am confused about what to do. I am empty inside to some extent. I dont seem the same or feel the same. I want to participate in life, but on my conditions, and there seems like there is no room for people like us in this world. I have yet to meet anyone who understands the material on this site. Out here in real life.

My attitude towards the corporate world leave me very little wiggle room when it comes to volunteering, I dont buy it so I dont get involved. I want to be usful but do not know if I am on the right track or not.

What does your attitude with the corporate world have to do with not being able to volunteer? Why is it that you feel you can only be useful to others by discussing this site?

I think to myself...do I make pamphlets and hand them out? If I come out of the closet so to speak, I fear that I will become completely ostrasized from my family , friends and society.

For example the other day I was trying to discuss a point about relationships with a friend, I just touched on the "honeymoon ending" and how the same sort of personality appears when this phenonmena takes place. Out of know where we change into this other person, and so does our partner, I was trying to make the point that it seems like the same personalities appearing in each new relationship, just to destroy what we though was the relationship.

I just was trying to touch on the point that a modus operandi in the form of a personality appears and is the same in each different relationship. Its like the same person appears when the honeymoon is over. Same personality takes over, in each different situation....

my point is , that at the end of my explanation, my friend just said,"I dont want to fight buddy". I did not understand his response at all, it was like he did not even listen. It is a bad example maybe but it is par for the course with me and I am sure others on this forum too.

Again it sounds like you are trying to teach to people who have not asked to be taught. Were you trying to convince your friend that you were right?

There are many other ways to be of service to someone, other than preaching. You may also wish to revisit the last thread you posted in in April before your departure, in which the concepts of Strategic Enclosure, External Consideration, a warning regarding rituals, and many other links to sounds advice were given to you. I wanted to point you to this, since you were knocked offline so suddenly, you may not have had a chance to digest to very good information given to you there.

I dont know if I have enough speed this time, or too much, but my recent experience with you guys and the wave and so fourth in making these maneuvers has shown me that a) if I take this tack too slowly, I become impaitient and angry, b) if I take it too quickly, others around me appear to become impaitient and angry... like when I first joined this forum and assumed I knew what was being discussed here.

When did anyone on the forum ever become impatient and angry with you?


In summary,

What happened in March that caused you to stop posting here for a month, and make the switch from binge eating to not eating at all?

What happened in your life during the next 3 month pause you took in April from posting here?

Have you revisited any of the old threads you made so many posts in earlier this year, and followed up with the advice given to the similar topics you are again asking for help now? Specifically how?

In any event, I do sincerely hope for the best for you Harold, and I hope this has been helpful somehow.

Edit: In unrelated forum surfing, I came across your post about finishing The Wave, my apologies for that question, and sorry I missed it earlier.

 

[EGVG]

Hi Harold,

I remembered when you joined the forum, as one of your first posts was in a thread I was personally involved in over in the Newbie section. I spent some time today catching up on your posts, to see if I could help you in any way, as you have been posting quite a lot lately, about the various problems you are experiencing. I'll be jumping around a bit, from various threads in the past. I hope you don't mind, and find this reflection useful. I have a number of questions as well, in an attempt to better understand your situation.

Hi everyone, I just had to jump on here as I am having allot of anxiety lately.

My palms are sweaty, they sort of feel like ballons. Pins n needle in my back, pains in my chest, that move around a little.

My heart is beating a little fast but not that bad.

I havent done EE for a few days, as I think this has something to do with it.

Also too, I am writing a big posting to share here, in the swamp, Im talking about my life, it is painful, bringing up lots of stuff.

I am giong to the store to get some valerian.

This has been happening everyday since I re-started EE again.

I do not understand, it sounds like you are saying that both doing the EE and stopping the EE are causing your symptoms at the same time. Which is it?

To I notice that I have been realeased from addictive behavior, I still smoke though. Since march I am not interested in eating, it has become a chore. Prior to this I was a binge eater at times, I really enjoyed food, and on occasion would stuff myself with food, nothing too bad, Im in average shape, I exercise, eat well, take some vitamins etc.

Is it safe to assume then, that since March, you also have not been exercising or taking vitamins also?

Are you aware that most people on this forum do not consider smoking to be a bad thing? You've been talking about trying to quit since you joined in February, even going so far as to say that quitting smoking cigarettes would be a wonderful gesture you would like to make towards Laura.

I was a little bit of a binge drinker in the last couple years, meaning I did not drink much, but when I did, I would have about 6 drinks, which is too much. Now I dont drink at all, thanks EE.

When did you stop drinking?

My thinking is confused right now, I cant find the EE thread, and panicked a little, so I just got on this thread to say this.

This has happened before, where you were specifically unable to find the EE thread. Why would it make you panic now? What were you afraid would happen if you could not find it?

There is something else I would like to comment on:

Back in February, you had said,

Now I look at the influences regarding my meditation and the main 'teacher' I had was my pastor at this new age church I used to go to, this was a place for psychics and messages were given from the other side there. One of the reasons (and this is before I even knew of the Cassiopaean stuff) I stopped going was I found out the pastor was a high level mason, too he would sort of read my mind and make inappropriate comments out of the blue regarding my past. I find this to be part and parcel of a certain philosophy of the one I wish not to mention. In short it felt very controlling. If I'm asked to say who it is, I will, but would rather not if you don't mind.

Also too after a couple months of attending this 'spiritual society' two persons, whom I personally see as very large influences in my life, just showed up out of know where. They are the only two psychics I had ever seen, and they both showed up, and then the Pastor said he had visions of me up on the podium and such, others in the congregation made such remarks too, like allusions to me having psychic ability, that I can give messages from the other side. I found all the ego stroking weird.

Anyways that was all too much.... when the universe gave me a little nudge out of there(I was unemployed for for a few months).... I took it and haven't been back. I miss it though, the singing, the wonderful people, my pastor..... no regrets, just great memories..... so whadda think? C'est bizzare...non?

Then in April, after a sudden month dropoff in posting:

The "your an ascended master" programe was used on me very paitiently and over quite a period of time and with the involvement of many channellers and psychics trying to influence me in this new age church I joined a few years ago. I can only say, in short, that figuring out that one took allot of help, which did not appear to be helpful at the time. Losing my job for example, I think helped me to be away from their influence and see clearly what was happening.

Shortly after that message, your computer crashed & your ISP disconnected you for a few months, and you said this prevented you from doing any EE related work.

3 weeks ago, you re-introduced yourself to the forum, and said in part:

I've been contemplating a method of communicating appropriate ideas to engage some physic's I know to get them to think about stuff. And the analogy of "As above so below" as my premise. I want to draw their attention to the history and mythology of the unknown. The myriad of creatures, fairies, trolls, masters, avatars, demigods, monsters, giants and so on. What does this remind me of? Well here of course.

[...]

Two physic's in particular, who have helped me a great deal are in my old church. I had met them before attending this church, it is a new agey, physic church, where we receive messages and so forth. Anyways these two physic's just showed up serendipitously after I started to attend, all three of us came from 2 cities away to go there. Very love and light sort of place this church, for me very spooky.

While there my ego was massaged, tickled, told I would be up on the pulpit, channelling messages to the masses, using my mighty yet unrealized psychic powers.... me! A guy off the street who wonders in to your church, they don't even know me! (but that's what they saw!) On top of that these two physic's friends working on me, using astrology, tarot, numerology, messages and so fourth. Again on paper, my numbers and charts 'state' I'm unique and special!

They made me feel special, giving me 4 hour sessions, telling me things no one knew, oh the feelings this created. I'm being vague about the specifics of what was told to me, as it is a little too 'strange' and 'weird', I'm just glad that whatever got me out of there did! I still keep in touch with these people and wish to enrich their lives, as they have mine. I sometimes think about getting back into the church, with hopes that they will put me up on the pulpit, I would really give them something to think about.(woah....gotta check my ego there.... lots to see here folks)

Perhaps I am not understanding entirely, but it sounds to me you wish to persuade your 2 psychic friends (whose behavior was one of many factors you cited as a reason for leaving said church) to see everything the same way as you do, whether or not they desire to do so. It sounds like you wish to trick them into thinking the same way you do, in an ultimate effort to bring them here, to this church. You said before that you missed these people without regret, and found them controlling, weird, and unhelpful, but now say you still keep in touch with them, and wish to enrich their lives, as they have yours. You even say you hope they will "put you on the pulpit" and for what I ask? It almost sounds as if you want to convert all these people, or some such!

I am curious to hear more about the time you spent off-forum between April-August, as you haven't really talked much about it. This also seems to be the time where you say you began having problems with diet, and not eating well. I almost feel like the same Harold that arrived in February, arrived again in late July, furiously seeking the same answers to each and every problem in life from the members here. Did you independently follow up on any of the suggestions made in all the mass posting you did back in February/March? Have you finished reading book one of the Wave yet? (You had mentioned you were going to finally finish it 4 weeks ago that weekend) Do you have any intention of changing your diet and eating properly (as opposed to just adding supplements) Do you understand that there is no 'magic cure' for all the symptoms you are going through on a daily basis?

But mostly my concern is my behavior... or lack of.

I dont want to talk about anything to do with this site, A) cause no one understand what the heck I am talking about.
B) Cause everyone around me is oblivious

It really bothers me, I feel useless. My attempt to stay under the radar has its disadvantages. Not having credit cards, cash only lifestyle, not participating in society as I see all others do.

I feel very alone with my ideas and thoughts, I really am confused about what to do. I am empty inside to some extent. I dont seem the same or feel the same. I want to participate in life, but on my conditions, and there seems like there is no room for people like us in this world. I have yet to meet anyone who understands the material on this site. Out here in real life.

My attitude towards the corporate world leave me very little wiggle room when it comes to volunteering, I dont buy it so I dont get involved. I want to be usful but do not know if I am on the right track or not.

What does your attitude with the corporate world have to do with not being able to volunteer? Why is it that you feel you can only be useful to others by discussing this site?

I think to myself...do I make pamphlets and hand them out? If I come out of the closet so to speak, I fear that I will become completely ostrasized from my family , friends and society.

For example the other day I was trying to discuss a point about relationships with a friend, I just touched on the "honeymoon ending" and how the same sort of personality appears when this phenonmena takes place. Out of know where we change into this other person, and so does our partner, I was trying to make the point that it seems like the same personalities appearing in each new relationship, just to destroy what we though was the relationship.

I just was trying to touch on the point that a modus operandi in the form of a personality appears and is the same in each different relationship. Its like the same person appears when the honeymoon is over. Same personality takes over, in each different situation....

my point is , that at the end of my explanation, my friend just said,"I dont want to fight buddy". I did not understand his response at all, it was like he did not even listen. It is a bad example maybe but it is par for the course with me and I am sure others on this forum too.

Again it sounds like you are trying to teach to people who have not asked to be taught. Were you trying to convince your friend that you were right?

There are many other ways to be of service to someone, other than preaching. You may also wish to revisit the last thread you posted in in April before your departure, in which the concepts of Strategic Enclosure, External Consideration, a warning regarding rituals, and many other links to sounds advice were given to you. I wanted to point you to this, since you were knocked offline so suddenly, you may not have had a chance to digest to very good information given to you there.

I dont know if I have enough speed this time, or too much, but my recent experience with you guys and the wave and so fourth in making these maneuvers has shown me that a) if I take this tack too slowly, I become impaitient and angry, b) if I take it too quickly, others around me appear to become impaitient and angry... like when I first joined this forum and assumed I knew what was being discussed here.

When did anyone on the forum ever become impatient and angry with you?


In summary,

What happened in March that caused you to stop posting here for a month, and make the switch from binge eating to not eating at all?

What happened in your life during the next 3 month pause you took in April from posting here?

Have you revisited any of the old threads you made so many posts in earlier this year, and followed up with the advice given to the similar topics you are again asking for help now? Specifically how?

In any event, I do sincerely hope for the best for you Harold, and I hope this has been helpful somehow.

That's interesting. I agree, have you read your answers? Have you follow the advices? Super curios, what what happend in those 3 months?

EDU

 

[Harold]

Hello everyone,

It was soon after my posting here on this thread that I was banned from the Forum. Within a week or so I was given back the privilage of reading on the forum.
My last posting was on a friday and then on sunday I think I was finally banned. It was on friday that it was suggested to me to stop posting. I am pretty sure I made one last post to confirm that I was following the suggestions of the moderators ie. going to the doctor.

I would like to grow and learn from this experience. I dont understand what happened as I thought I was following the suggestions. I really want to understand and learn from this.

I want to say that I, at the time I had read very little of the suggested reading material and even thought I have been reading only suggested forum material since my banning, I still have years of reading to do, as there is so much material to read. Here is a summary of the books I have read so far:

All of the Wave Series.
Almost all of "Adventures With Cassiopea"
ISOTM.... twice...short of the last 2 chapters on my second reading.
The Secret History of the World... Im reading this currently, Im on chapter 8
The Myth of Sanity
The Narcissistic Family
Les Mystere des Cathedrals...about half way

I have not recorded what articles and threads I have read from the the Cass Experiment and the forum or off of SOTT. But it is allot. I do know for sure I have read the entire threads of Negative Introject, Recapitulation and A Brief Overview Dabrowski's Therory of Positive Disintegration at least once each and parts of them many times.

After I finish TSHOTW, I plan to read Political Ponerology and then Beelzebubs Tales to his Grandson, as I have copies of both of these.

As it has been 7 months Im not sure if it is productive to reply to the postings that have been made on this thread since, but I am going to give it a try here.

I'll add too that I have been to a EE lecture and plan to regulairly attend the EE class now that it is my region. Currently I do not make enough money to pay my bills, I am looking for more work, I had a really good interview this week and things look hopeful. The whole time I have been a member of the forum, I have only been making enough to pay bills barely. If I have to take 3 jobs to pay bills and buy more books I will do this.

Hi Harold,

I'm a little confused. It's been 1.5 hours since your last post, so are you saying that in one and a half hours you went to a doctor, had blood taken for tests, the tests were run and you were able to go over the results with the doctor, then return home and post? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you, since that seems really fast!?

Yes Anart, in that time I went to the doctor. I made arrangements to get bloodwork done the next day. A friend showed up at my house later and stayed for the weekend, so I did not get the blood work done till monday.

Hi Harold,

I'm a little confused. It's been 1.5 hours since your last post, so are you saying that in one and a half hours you went to a doctor, had blood taken for tests, the tests were run and you were able to go over the results with the doctor, then return home and post? Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you, since that seems really fast!?

That is weird! :O

Yes EGVG, this may seem wierd to you, but in Canada we have universal health care... there is a drop in clinic 5 minutes away from me. Also they just had a new doctor join them who was accepting new paitients. So not only did I get blood work done but I made arrangements for a physical a week later. This confirmed that I am in good physical health. A couple of points he made were that my blood pressure is optimal 120 over 80. He also pointed out that he could not find my liver, which is the first time a doctor has told me that in decades.

The reason I share this is because I used to have chronic hepatitius 'C' as a result of IV drug addiction. This is my first time sharing this with the forum. I apologise for not sharing this befor, but I have had many negative experiences in sharing this with others. From 1998-1999 I went on a kemo for the cronic hep 'C' as I was dying from it slowly. It worked and I am in 100% remmision. My IV drug use was between the ages of 20 to 24. I have had relapses since that time but that is all behind me I assure you. I was in alcoholics anynonimous and cocaine anonymous from the age of 24 to about 31. I cannot recount all the therapy alone and in groups I have had. Not to mention all the books I have read on psycology.

I had my first overdose at the age of 16, in the last nine months of IV use when I was 24, I OD'd pretty much every time. So I have had many near death experiences. Not to mention other stuff I got into as a result of my begavior. At 24 I went to a treatment center for a 28 day program. 6 months later they let me out. I was a very hurting unit, but I have come along way. In the movie 'Meetings with Remarkable Men' a young Gurdjieff says "...to find the truth, I will ride the Devils back if I have to..." well I have rode the devils back, either he got sick of me and threw me off or I jumped off just at the nick of time, into recovery. I became a very active member of AA in the youth movement. I started two young peoples groups and was a member of the International Conference of Young People in AA Toronto Bid committee. When I first got to AA I was told to stay clean I had to set up the chairs and clean astrays.... it worked. I just really want you guys to get to know me so I am sharing everything in this thread.... no more fear of what people think of me... you all have helped me so much..

I will add that my new doctor interned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I was seeing him on a regular basis. He gave me a clean mental bill of health and said there is no reason to refer me to a specialist or see me any further. I did that for 4 months. At Anarts suggestion... thank-you Anart.

Perhaps you don't have access to all his posts in list format to easily see when posts were made. He posted in another thread in the interim.

Ahhhh...you're right, it was in another thread I didn't see.

"The Real World / Diet and Health / Re: Serotonin Deficiency Syndrome on: Yesterday at 04:01:37 PM
Thanx Ana and Anart,

I am going. I took a nice cool shower and shaved, it helped a great deal."

Good catch! You quick like a bunny

Gardian and Anart, I hope you can consider how the medical profession works here in Canada... I did go... I have a print out of my blood work to back this up.

Hi Harold,

I remembered when you joined the forum, as one of your first posts was in a thread I was personally involved in over in the Newbie section. I spent some time today catching up on your posts, to see if I could help you in any way, as you have been posting quite a lot lately, about the various problems you are experiencing. I'll be jumping around a bit, from various threads in the past. I hope you don't mind, and find this reflection useful. I have a number of questions as well, in an attempt to better understand your situation.

Hi everyone, I just had to jump on here as I am having allot of anxiety lately.

My palms are sweaty, they sort of feel like ballons. Pins n needle in my back, pains in my chest, that move around a little.

My heart is beating a little fast but not that bad.

I havent done EE for a few days, as I think this has something to do with it.

Also too, I am writing a big posting to share here, in the swamp, Im talking about my life, it is painful, bringing up lots of stuff.

I am giong to the store to get some valerian.

This has been happening everyday since I re-started EE again.

I do not understand, it sounds like you are saying that both doing the EE and stopping the EE are causing your symptoms at the same time. Which is it?

I still dont really know Jason, I dont think I am qualified to answer this. I can only guess... what I have noticed is that as long as I eat properly the anxiety is gone. So I am really making an effort to eat right. :)

To I notice that I have been realeased from addictive behavior, I still smoke though. Since march I am not interested in eating, it has become a chore. Prior to this I was a binge eater at times, I really enjoyed food, and on occasion would stuff myself with food, nothing too bad, Im in average shape, I exercise, eat well, take some vitamins etc.

Is it safe to assume then, that since March, you also have not been exercising or taking vitamins also?

Are you aware that most people on this forum do not consider smoking to be a bad thing? You've been talking about trying to quit since you joined in February, even going so far as to say that quitting smoking cigarettes would be a wonderful gesture you would like to make towards Laura.

During that time Jason, if I remember correctly, I was on and off with the vitamins depending if I could afford them or not.

As for exercising, I walk between 2 and 6 hours a week give or take, depending on how busy I am. Outside of the EE I do some stretching exercises and some push ups and sit ups. This is the case now and back then.

As for the smoking, I think I only mentioned it once about quitting. Soon after that I learned that most people on the forum do not think that smoking is a bad thing. I looked into this matter, read some articles did some digging and I now agree with the forum and still smoke myself and dont worry about it.

I was a little bit of a binge drinker in the last couple years, meaning I did not drink much, but when I did, I would have about 6 drinks, which is too much. Now I dont drink at all, thanks EE.

When did you stop drinking?

I wouldnt use the term 'stopped drinking' exactly. I dont drink enough to pay attention. Last summer when I made that statement, I probably had not had a drink for three months. So far this year, I have drank alcohol two or three times maybe. It is only sometimes socially. I originally left AA cause I wanted to try drinking again... I did, it is not a problem, my doctor(liver specialist) says it is ok. In AA and at treatment we were taught that 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, unless your drinking was from emotional problems'. I'm no doctor, but if I had to make a guess, I would say that my alcoholism/drug addiction was emotional. Suggesting that all the support and my hard work has paid off. :) But I could be wrong. I really dont know, Im just grateful all that is behind me.

Perhaps I am not understanding entirely, but it sounds to me you wish to persuade your 2 psychic friends (whose behavior was one of many factors you cited as a reason for leaving said church) to see everything the same way as you do, whether or not they desire to do so. It sounds like you wish to trick them into thinking the same way you do, in an ultimate effort to bring them here, to this church. You said before that you missed these people without regret, and found them controlling, weird, and unhelpful, but now say you still keep in touch with them, and wish to enrich their lives, as they have yours. You even say you hope they will "put you on the pulpit" and for what I ask? It almost sounds as if you want to convert all these people, or some such!

That whole situation with the spiritualist society I joined is complex and one I dont understand. All the weird syncronicities. What I can say is that I dont understand anything anymore and therefore I do not try to judge if a thing is good or bad. I work at not imagining what is happening as I dont understand the underlying reality of everything. In the last 7 months I have had no communication with them. They have sent me the occasional e-mail to one of their work shops, which I am not interested in. Weather you understand me or not I dont even know. Back then I wanted to share the information of Lauras work. I wish for people to see reality, Im am not interested in people seeing my way of thinking... this is my aim. Considering that I dont have a clue about true reality I more or less do my best to keep my mouth shut and I just stay at home and read Laura's stuff. :)

I cant remember the last time I tried to share the truth of Laura's work, as I now realize that I dont know what is going on. I cant do anything about it anyways. I just want to learn, I have years of reading to go just to get through all this material... and then I'll probably have to start all over again. Yes I do miss them, they seemed to me to be well intentioned. But that is behind me now. My focus is to read and read and read, Laura's work. I think I am a poor researcher, I want to improve that. I am a high school drop out who went tall ship sailing instead. I went back to school for a year back in 1997 and spent all my retirement savings at the time ($20,000) to do so. That shows me I am motivated to learn. Also I think I am a slow reader.... so its gonna take time.

I am curious to hear more about the time you spent off-forum between April-August, as you haven't really talked much about it. This also seems to be the time where you say you began having problems with diet, and not eating well. I almost feel like the same Harold that arrived in February, arrived again in late July, furiously seeking the same answers to each and every problem in life from the members here. Did you independently follow up on any of the suggestions made in all the mass posting you did back in February/March? Have you finished reading book one of the Wave yet? (You had mentioned you were going to finally finish it 4 weeks ago that weekend) Do you have any intention of changing your diet and eating properly (as opposed to just adding supplements) Do you understand that there is no 'magic cure' for all the symptoms you are going through on a daily basis?

Jason, if there is something specific you want to know about that time I was not posting, please ask, I am happy to answer you. But your question is very general, I really dont know what you want to know. Basically I worked, trying to make money to get my bills paid so I could get back on line, that is all. I have always tried to the best of my ability to follow up on any suggestions made by the forum members. I appreciate the suggestions and help. I have finished the 'Wave' series, I have changed my diet. This recent thread goes into detail of what I am doing regarding my diet. http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=22375.msg241446#msg241446 Diet is one of the major focuses in my life. I hope I am getting the jist of what you want me to understand, thanx. :)

But mostly my concern is my behavior... or lack of.

I dont want to talk about anything to do with this site, A) cause no one understand what the heck I am talking about.
B) Cause everyone around me is oblivious

It really bothers me, I feel useless. My attempt to stay under the radar has its disadvantages. Not having credit cards, cash only lifestyle, not participating in society as I see all others do.

I feel very alone with my ideas and thoughts, I really am confused about what to do. I am empty inside to some extent. I dont seem the same or feel the same. I want to participate in life, but on my conditions, and there seems like there is no room for people like us in this world. I have yet to meet anyone who understands the material on this site. Out here in real life.

My attitude towards the corporate world leave me very little wiggle room when it comes to volunteering, I dont buy it so I dont get involved. I want to be usful but do not know if I am on the right track or not.

What does your attitude with the corporate world have to do with not being able to volunteer?

Ok, well in my region, all volunteer work is connected to corporations. It is all selling chocolate's or walking for some cause. I have done thousands of hours of volunteer work, on phone help lines, running meeting's, meetings at hostels, meetings in prisons, meetings and talks to business people. Training people. All kinds of stuff. On Christmas day I have helped feed many hundreds, play music for them, dance with them, give them smokes, give them their one and only present on that day. That is what I want to do again. But it is a group effort. I could go on quite a bit regarding my volunteer work. But that is not something I ever do. I am just commenting on it here as you asked.

Why is it that you feel you can only be useful to others by discussing this site?

Sorry Jason, but I dont know what you are talking about here.... I will say that I am not a good internet communicator, this is my only time I really try to type and stuff, so I understand when I come across this way.... my apologies for projecting this idea.

I think to myself...do I make pamphlets and hand them out? If I come out of the closet so to speak, I fear that I will become completely ostrasized from my family , friends and society.

For example the other day I was trying to discuss a point about relationships with a friend, I just touched on the "honeymoon ending" and how the same sort of personality appears when this phenonmena takes place. Out of know where we change into this other person, and so does our partner, I was trying to make the point that it seems like the same personalities appearing in each new relationship, just to destroy what we though was the relationship.

I just was trying to touch on the point that a modus operandi in the form of a personality appears and is the same in each different relationship. Its like the same person appears when the honeymoon is over. Same personality takes over, in each different situation....

my point is , that at the end of my explanation, my friend just said,"I dont want to fight buddy". I did not understand his response at all, it was like he did not even listen. It is a bad example maybe but it is par for the course with me and I am sure others on this forum too.

Again it sounds like you are trying to teach to people who have not asked to be taught. Were you trying to convince your friend that you were right?

There are many other ways to be of service to someone, other than preaching. You may also wish to revisit the last thread you posted in in April before your departure, in which the concepts of Strategic Enclosure, External Consideration, a warning regarding rituals, and many other links to sounds advice were given to you. I wanted to point you to this, since you were knocked offline so suddenly, you may not have had a chance to digest to very good information given to you there.

FWIW that guy I was talking about is just a weirdo. The next time I saw him, he threw 3 temper tantrums during our visit. I even started to talk to him like a child and had to suggest a 'time out'. I have not seen him since. But to answer your question. I either am not good at getting my point across or something as I was sharing stories with him, that is all. I have learned he is unstable since then. But I am not that kind of guy. He wanted to talk about how all the b****es are so F***ed up,(I dont use vulgar talk and dont appreciate it) I was just saying a comment about how both the man and women change when the 'honeymoon' is over. And asked him if he saw that too. He could have said " no, I dont agree with you".... instead he projected that a fight might ensue.... he is weird.

But thank-you for reminding me of 'preaching' and also to read those threads. I have to say that I have read them all, but it has been a while. I concentrating on TSHOTW right now, and was reading ISOTM before. I still do read some threads, especially when reccommended by my forum friends. When a forum friend suggest to read an article or thread, my rule is to read it 3 times. And please point out my preaching, I do appreciate it.

I dont know if I have enough speed this time, or too much, but my recent experience with you guys and the wave and so fourth in making these maneuvers has shown me that a) if I take this tack too slowly, I become impaitient and angry, b) if I take it too quickly, others around me appear to become impaitient and angry... like when I first joined this forum and assumed I knew what was being discussed here.

When did anyone on the forum ever become impatient and angry with you?

Never.... it was my imagination.... thanx for pointing that out... :)

What happened in March that caused you to stop posting here for a month, and make the switch from binge eating to not eating at all?

I dont know.... I think my internet went down.

What happened in your life during the next 3 month pause you took in April from posting here?

No money to pay Internet...

Have you revisited any of the old threads you made so many posts in earlier this year, and followed up with the advice given to the similar topics you are again asking for help now? Specifically how?

Yes all of them.... Specifically .... EE, diet, reading books, changing my behavior. :)

In any event, I do sincerely hope for the best for you Harold, and I hope this has been helpful somehow.

Its been great ...thanx :)

Edit: In unrelated forum surfing, I came across your post about finishing The Wave, my apologies for that question, and sorry I missed it earlier.

No worries, we all make mistakes. :)

That's interesting. I agree, have you read your answers? Have you follow the advices? Super curios, what what happend in those 3 months?

EDU

Hi EGVG, hope you find all your answers in my above response to Jason.... thank-you for your concern. :)
Harold :)

 

[ana]

I still dont really know Jason, I dont think I am qualified to answer this. I can only guess... what I have noticed is that as long as I eat properly the anxiety is gone. So I am really making an effort to eat right.

Good to know you feel better now Harold.
Commitment with oneself is a great step, so thanks for sharing and

 

[Harold]

I still dont really know Jason, I dont think I am qualified to answer this. I can only guess... what I have noticed is that as long as I eat properly the anxiety is gone. So I am really making an effort to eat right.

Good to know you feel better now Harold.
Commitment with oneself is a great step, so thanks for sharing and

Thank-you Ana, I appreciate the support. :)