Assertiveness, Being and the empathic connection

[ana]

Assertiveness, Being and the empathic connection

_http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a trait taught by many personal development experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill.

Assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.


An assertive style of behavior is to interact with people while standing up for your rights. Being assertive is to one's benefit most of the time but it does not mean that one always gets what he/she wants. The result of being assertive is that You feel good about yourself
Other people know how to deal with you and there is nothing vague about dealing with you.


Assertive people have the following characteristics:

-They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.

-They know their rights.

-They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It means that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a reasoning manner.

_http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Assertiveness

Some people confuse assertiveness with aggression and think that to assert yourself is to adopt a particular position in a disagreement, stand your ground and argue a point without compromise. In fact, being assertive means communicating your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs and opinions to others in a direct and honest manner, while at the same time being receptive to their needs and without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings.

It is helpful to imagine assertiveness as the middle ground between aggression and passivity. The use of bully tactics is destructive to relationships and, ultimately, to your self-esteem. Remaining passive may help you to avoid conflict, but the price paid includes feelings of helplessness and lack of control. Direct communication can reduce conflict, build your self-confidence and enhance your personal and work relationships. By following a few simple suggestions, you can learn the skills to be more assertive in your relationships.


A learned skill

Like any other skill, assertiveness takes time to learn. Suggestions include:

-Decide that you want to be assertive rather than aggressive or passive. Commitment to change is a big step in the learning process.

-Think about a recent conflict where your needs, wants or feelings were not respected. Imagine how you could have handled it in a more assertive way.
-
Practise talking in an assertive way, alone or with a friend. Pay attention to your body language and verbal cues as well as the words you say.

-Respect the wants, needs and feelings of others, and accept that their viewpoints may be different to yours.

-Take a problem-solving approach to conflict, seeking solutions that will meet both sets of needs. Try to see the other person as your collaborator rather than your opposition.

-Tell the other person honestly how you feel, without making accusations or trying to make them feel guilty.

-Use assertive language such as ‘I feel…’ and ‘I think…’, which takes responsibility for and explains exactly how you are feeling, rather than aggressive language such as ‘You always…’ and ‘You never…’, which blames the other and escalates conflict.

-Don’t interrupt the other person when they are talking. Try hard to listen and understand their point of view. Ask the other person to show you the same respect and attention.

-Suggest to the other person that you brainstorm ways to solve the problem together.

-If the exchange doesn’t go well, learn from the experience and plan how you will do things a little differently next time.



Body language
When asserting yourself, suggestions include:

-Look the person in the eye.

-Hold your body upright.

-Consciously relax your shoulders.

-Try to breathe normally and don’t hold your breath.

-Keep your face relaxed.

-Speak at a normal conversational volume (don’t yell or whisper).

_http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Tillman3.html

An Assertive Person is not an Adversary

Speaking up for oneself in an assertive manner sometimes brings to mind the image of two people warily circling each other, fists raised, prepared to strike. Each person wants to get his/her way.

In fact, the most effective assertiveness is not adversarial at all. The most effective way of speaking up involves connecting with or joining in with the other person.

Believing that the relationship is the most important aspect in assertive behavior is the cornerstone of joining with another person.

Connecting in the process of assertiveness involves three skills:

-Expressing yourself with empathy

-Looking for areas of agreement

-Staying open to different options for mutual gain

As we have previously described, the Service to Self involves
the constriction and restriction of energies, and the focusing
within. The Service to Others orientation involves an outward
flow of energies, the focus being from within to without.
Therefore, the passage of information, or dissemination is very
helpful and is of Service to Others orientation.

So maybe, in order to make energy flow from within to without we need to open ourselves to get in contact with others as clear and direct as possible.
If we hide our being, there is no reall contact with others, thus no empathy, thus no STO possibility, just service to self because we are not letting energy to expand.
So I think putting into practice assertiveness is a very good approach to free ourselves and achieve a state of true communication.

What do you think?

 

[Mjolnir]

I find that information really useful. It seems that I've been pulling myself to be assertive but agressive sometimes as well, but, wth? I'm still learning! :O

I thinks that's really important to show yourself as you truly are. Most times, people don't do that because their are afraid to be rejected, to be blamed, to be bullied. Is that program, that fear that inhibit people to be theirselves but I'm talking from my own perspective since I experienced that (An example of that, was the "session" I posted some days ago). I learned from the work that you shouldn't hold anything, you must express your feelings but external considering others!

-Tell the other person honestly how you feel, without making accusations or trying to make them feel guilty.

I also tried to avoid conflictive people, because I can't be rational with them. No matter how much empathy I could develop, they always are looking for "clash" with your ideas without respecting you. Since they don't recognize that by their own and I suggested to consider it, I can't tell them what to do if they don't realize it first and they don't ask me for help either.

Just my thoughts. :/

 

[Buddy]

What do you think?

Ana, thanks for putting that together!

A learned skill

Like any other skill, assertiveness takes time to learn. Suggestions include:

-Decide that you want to be assertive rather than aggressive or passive. Commitment to change is a big step in the learning process.

I agree that it takes time to learn and requires commitment, but the practice can be fun as you try to implement assertiveness and notice others taking your assertiveness for granted, when you thought you would upset them. That goes back to childhood for me, as assertiveness was not distinguished from 'aggressiveness.'

When trying to be more assertive, what is kind of amazing is to start noticing how much 'automatic syncronization' takes place between people during a social encounter as people shift around into various programmed 'roles' in order to interact. Have you noticed that?

From my experience, the only people who seemed to have noticed any new assertiveness in me were those people who were already aware of my lack and were taking advantage of it.

Of course, this can lead to occasional mistakes as a person trying to stand up for him/herself expresses unintentional aggression instead, but paying attention to feedback and your own motivations might help to 'fine tune' the process.

Trying to be more assertive, in the way your post describes, may help to get a handle on that and contribute to growth, OSIT. :)

 

[Gertrudes]

^

So maybe, in order to make energy flow from within to without we need to open ourselves to get in contact with others as clear and direct as possible.
If we hide our being, there is no reall contact with others, thus no empathy, thus no STO possibility, just service to self because we are not letting energy to expand.
So I think putting into practice assertiveness is a very good approach to free ourselves and achieve a state of true communication.

What do you think?

I agree. I would also add that for effective or even real assertiveness observational and listening skills need to be developed, as the feedback mechanism mentioned by Buddy. Otherwise real assertiveness can be clouded by many filters.
I think that there is a very real connection between what you have quoted on assertiveness, Being and the empathetic connection. For assertiveness, we need well developed skills of "tuning in" with others. In other words, I guess learn how to developed a balanced energy exchanged.

A learned skill

Like any other skill, assertiveness takes time to learn. Suggestions include:

-Decide that you want to be assertive rather than aggressive or passive. Commitment to change is a big step in the learning process.

I agree that it takes time to learn and requires commitment, but the practice can be fun as you try to implement assertiveness and notice others taking your assertiveness for granted, when you thought you would upset them. That goes back to childhood for me, as assertiveness was not distinguished from 'aggressiveness.'

Same here, assertiveness and aggressiveness were intertwined...I guess that might be so for most of us. Unless we've had a healthy family dynamic which is rare, we're likely to spend years of social interactions clouded and limited by expressions of hidden unmet needs, rather then pure clean communication and assertiveness. As Mjolnir said:

I thinks that's really important to show yourself as you truly are. Most times, people don't do that because their are afraid to be rejected, to be blamed, to be bullied.

And I would also add that for some, expression of Being is non existant because we have few to none of such experience ourselves. In situations where input is needed this lack often leads to either a complete blank or improper input.

In this line of thought, I also think that assertiveness is something that does take time to learn. It is for me, and as in your quotes Ana, something to do with functioning with others, rather then in opposition or judgemental comparison. And this is were the slippery part lies, how to truly be able to be in tune with self, our thoughts and feelings so that we're able to express, not repress, and at the same time "flow" (can't find a better word at the moment) with others. I see it as a piece of dance or music, where all elements involved have their own voice, yet dance/play together harmoniously, somehow merging into one single voice that is the resultant piece of dance or music.

 

[ana]

I also tried to avoid conflictive people, because I can't be rational with them. No matter how much empathy I could develop, they always are looking for "clash" with your ideas without respecting you. Since they don't recognize that by their own and I suggested to consider it, I can't tell them what to do if they don't realize it first and they don't ask me for help either.

Yes, there is people unable not only to see yourself but also to grasp a pinch of reality and common sense. Better to minimize the contact with them,
unless you want to submit yourself to a real test, because they can bring out the very hidden “demons” within us .. a true test of fire.

When trying to be more assertive, what is kind of amazing is to start noticing how much 'automatic syncronization' takes place between people during a social encounter as people shift around into various programmed 'roles' in order to interact. Have you noticed that?

Yes, as if you where inside a movie plenty of characters playing their role, non creativity, non authenticity, non-life. They are hidding themselves behind a mask a poor mask plenty of lies and dirt.

From my experience, the only people who seemed to have noticed any new assertiveness in me were those people who were already aware of my lack and were taking advantage of it.

This is so true, when you start to stand for yourself, to decide for yourself, when you start to use the word NO, and to show yourself without fear, giving voice to the real self in the outside world, parasites are the first noticing and blaming you for so. Others will just continue as always and what is also interesting is that some are inspired and take courage to do the same.

Of course, this can lead to occasional mistakes as a person trying to stand up for him/herself expresses unintentional aggression instead, but paying attention to feedback and your own motivations might help to 'fine tune' the process.

True, “staying tunned” and “open” to others observations. :)

In this line of thought, I also think that assertiveness is something that does take time to learn. It is for me, and as in your quotes Ana, something to do with functioning with others, rather then in opposition or judgemental comparison. And this is were the slippery part lies, how to truly be able to be in tune with self, our thoughts and feelings so that we're able to express, not repress, and at the same time "flow" (can't find a better word at the moment) with others.

Oh, I think you just put it in a perfect way, as I see it when you are realy in tune with self you also start to stay in tune with others and then energy flows from within to without naturally.

I see it as a piece of dance or music, where all elements involved have their own voice, yet dance/play together harmoniously, somehow merging into one single voice that is the resultant piece of dance or music

Yes that’s how I see it also, and it is sad if some instruments or voices are hidden behind the mask, while they may be playing and singing toghether without fear.


It’s been hard for me to accept that most of the limitations and boundaries I had were caused by me, my fear to show myself, to FEEL without fear, to BREATH as a freely being in others face, no matter what.
Certaintly the most difficult is to free the self, from “ourselves”, OSIT

 

[León]

I think "assertiveness" in a deep sense is a state of non-identification, non-internal consideration in our communication with others. To be aggressive or passive is a result of fear to lose "something". That "something" it is deeply related with the image of ourselves and ours ideas/thoughts form part of that image. Other factor that have to be specially with "aggressiveness" is emotional feed. In a STS universe that situation is very common.

In my particular case I fixed with passive behavior. Sometimes I prefer to be quiet that express my position or my point of view. I think the narcissist society do a very good job. Otherwise that behavior is changing in the last years. To cure my emotional injuries and get a more objective view of reality help me a lot.

 

[ana]

I think "assertiveness" in a deep sense is a state of non-identification, non-internal consideration in our communication with others. To be aggressive or passive is a result of fear to lose "something". That "something" it is deeply related with the image of ourselves and ours ideas/thoughts form part of that image. Other factor that have to be specially with "aggressiveness" is emotional feed. In a STS universe that situation is very common.

I do agree, It seems that for someone to behave really assertively there is a need of internal freedom and trust in yourself were you don't need anymore or at least not so constantly the external validation.. (food)

In my particular case I fixed with passive behavior. Sometimes I prefer to be quiet that express my position or my point of view. I think the narcissist society do a very good job. Otherwise that behavior is changing in the last years. To cure my emotional injuries and get a more objective view of reality help me a lot.

Well that ring a bell to me :D, we can't give up, otherwise only will be heard the voices of pathology

 

[Marcus-Aurelius]

In my particular case I fixed with passive behavior. Sometimes I prefer to be quiet that express my position or my point of view. I think the narcissist society do a very good job. Otherwise that behavior is changing in the last years. To cure my emotional injuries and get a more objective view of reality help me a lot.

Same here. I used to be very passive during my childhood, I used to avoid conflict/confrontation at all cost, even if the other person was stepping my boundaries. But this progressively changed as I was growing up, culmunating in more frequent assertive attitudes as I practiced self-observation/ began working on myself.

 

[happehrts]

I am still learning the difference between being assertive and aggressive. I feel it is one of my many lessons of how to say No without getting upset over line steppers. When I read about aggressiveness being a "feed", I was taken back. Is this what is going on?

I can count numerous times in the past few months, where I have offered to share the resources I have, only to have them disappear. At work I am observing how the other teachers come in and pick up some of my material to help them and than put their name on it, as their creation.
I believe in sharing yet it puzzles me as what I am seeing. Recently during a staff meeting, we were asked to suggest ideas for a fundraiser. I gave a suggestion, and I watched before my very eyes, how our head teacher decided that it was a great idea, and how she managed to come up with it.

I have been reading the Wave, and how everything is lessons. I read about the sacred cows we have, and pondered perhaps I have a button about not being recognized for the work I do? I have questioned myself about does it matter who comes up with an idea?
If the children enjoy the project, does it really matter where it originated? Is this a selfish thought on my part?

 

[Turgon]

Great topic, thanks for posting Ana. Funny enough, I was involved in a situation last night (technically every weekend) where I believe it's neccessary for me to exercise assertiveness, or I end up in situations where this happens:

When trying to be more assertive, what is kind of amazing is to start noticing how much 'automatic syncronization' takes place between people during a social encounter as people shift around into various programmed 'roles' in order to interact. Have you noticed that?

Yes, as if you where inside a movie plenty of characters playing their role, non creativity, non authenticity, non-life. They are hidding themselves behind a mask a poor mask plenty of lies and dirt.

Very much so! It's actually creepy, because I see this happening often around me, certain people's behaviour just automatically changes based upon where they are, who they are with. I've been making a concerted effort not to fall in this, but sometimes do. I often consider whether it's internal or external consideration though.

For example, if lets say by joining into the 'automatic synchronization' you become more in-tune with the people around you, therefore fit in better, yet have to possibly compromise your own behaviours or actions, what you say, how you say it, etc, would it be that your being externally considerate to others, to create that more 'open' setting or 'tune' into others, or because you are changing yourself, to a degree to fit in, its a matter of internal consideration and are consciously putting on a 'mask'.

Also, if you choose not to compromise yourself, and be who you are, irregardless of how people are around you and what their modes of thinking and behaviour are, but in doing so, they feel kind of 'put off' by you, or are uncomfortable, is that being internally considerate? Meaning by consciously deciding, I don't want to 'tune in' with their setting because I don't agree with how its manifesting itself in their behaviours and actions, are you being internally or externally considerate?

A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

I also tried to avoid conflictive people, because I can't be rational with them. No matter how much empathy I could develop, they always are looking for "clash" with your ideas without respecting you. Since they don't recognize that by their own and I suggested to consider it, I can't tell them what to do if they don't realize it first and they don't ask me for help either.

Yes, there is people unable not only to see yourself but also to grasp a pinch of reality and common sense. Better to minimize the contact with them,
unless you want to submit yourself to a real test, because they can bring out the very hidden “demons” within us .. a true test of fire.

What if you are in a position, where you have to interact with some folks, whom you just unequivocally disagree with on a number of matters? I find myself in that situation at times, and it's as if I can't keep my mouth shut. If I don't agree with what they are saying, and it seems that they are trying to indoctrinate me, or get me or others to go along and agree with it, I say no, and the reasons why I don't believe in it. It sometimes gets me into confrontations of opinions... I wonder if I am being assertive, or aggressive, maybe a bit of both...

 

[wanderer]

I have questioned myself about does it matter who comes up with an idea?
If the children enjoy the project, does it really matter where it originated? Is this a selfish thought on my part?

I guess the question is whether you really have an actual objective need to claim credit or if it's just a program that you need to work on.

My wife learned long ago to use this narcissistic trait of her boss as a tool to get whatever she felt she needed for the program she runs. She would just plant the seed and then sit back and wait until it became his idea, and it worked every time. She had no personal or professional need to claim credit for the idea.

I've experienced the same thing in my work relationships lately too. A new co-worker noticed it happening on a regular basis with our boss and we had a good laugh over it. In my case, the value I bring to the company is clear and indisputable and I have no objective need to claim credit for these ideas, so I make a joke of it (I'm not selfless enough to suppress making some comment) and let it pass.

If my job security depended on a resume of these good ideas, I'd have to be more assertive about claiming credit.

 

[ana]

I am still learning the difference between being assertive and aggressive. I feel it is one of my many lessons of how to say No without getting upset over line steppers. When I read about aggressiveness being a "feed", I was taken back. Is this what is going on?
I can count numerous times in the past few months, where I have offered to share the resources I have, only to have them disappear. At work I am observing how the other teachers come in and pick up some of my material to help them and than put their name on it, as their creation.

I believe in sharing yet it puzzles me as what I am seeing. Recently during a staff meeting, we were asked to suggest ideas for a fundraiser. I gave a suggestion, and I watched before my very eyes, how our head teacher decided that it was a great idea, and how she managed to come up with it.
I have been reading the Wave, and how everything is lessons. I read about the sacred cows we have, and pondered perhaps I have a button about not being recognized for the work I do? I have questioned myself about does it matter who comes up with an idea?
If the children enjoy the project, does it really matter where it originated? Is this a selfish thought on my part?

Hi happehrts,

As I see it, creativity is not only a tool to bring forward projects, and provide alternative and innovative solutions at work, you can make use of creativity for your interactions with others also.
Think of how creativity comes to you when using it for new ideas for your students, or projects, it may be a state of internal freedom, where you start to see many possibilities and choose the one more appropiated for the situacion and eventual needs, that is exactly the same you can do when interacting with others.

I think that if you work on yourself, pay attencion to others, stop the internal dialogues like “Oh my God, this unpresentable has seize again my idea what can I do?” and overcome the fear of rejection or ridicule, you will find creative ways to stand for yourself ( if needed), and what is even more important you will not feel as If someone was stealing your creativity because nobody can take your creativity if you do it flow freely in yourself, better rejoice because you don’t have to steal it.. :D

Also, if you choose not to compromise yourself, and be who you are, irregardless of how people are around you and what their modes of thinking and behaviour are, but in doing so, they feel kind of 'put off' by you, or are uncomfortable, is that being internally considerate? Meaning by consciously deciding, I don't want to 'tune in' with their setting because I don't agree with how its manifesting itself in their behaviours and actions, are you being internally or externally considerate?

What if you are in a position, where you have to interact with some folks, whom you just unequivocally disagree with on a number of matters? I find myself in that situation at times, and it's as if I can't keep my mouth shut. If I don't agree with what they are saying, and it seems that they are trying to indoctrinate me, or get me or others to go along and agree with it, I say no, and the reasons why I don't believe in it. It sometimes gets me into confrontations of opinions... I wonder if I am being assertive, or aggressive, maybe a bit of both...

I think the key is precissely what you said :

“It sometimes gets me into confrontations of opinions...”

Every time I see myself in need of defend an idea, or something I am seeing in a specific situation, I “TRY” to stop myself. It is obvious that truth cannot be demonstrated to others, no matter how hard you try it, and we do a disservice to truth if we continue.

As I see it “defending” truth in others face when others are unable, or not ready to see or listen, we are just showing self importance and internal considering.
Truth need no defense, just eyes to see and ears to hear, so better give an example of self knowledge and self awareness by being able to stop ourselves, OSIT.

 

[Buddy]

Every time I see myself in need of defend an idea, or something I am seeing in a specific situation, I “TRY” to stop myself. It is obvious that truth cannot be demonstrated to others, no matter how hard you try it, and we do a disservice to truth if we continue.

As I see it “defending” truth in others face when others are unable, or not ready to see or listen, we are just showing self importance and internal considering.
Truth need no defense, just eyes to see and ears to hear, so better give an example of self knowledge and self awareness by being able to stop ourselves, OSIT.

I agree.
Assertiveness, to me, can be mistakenly viewed as something else, from different points of view, because it seems kind of neutral when compared to passive-agressive forms.

I think a person can get a good feel of an assertive response from Heimdallr
here.

 

[happehrts]

Thanks Wanderer, Ana. I went through a mini replay with my life questioning if I was manipulating with words for my own benefit. I came up with many instances, where indeed, I was manipulating. Made me go quiet pretty quickly and examine, what was going on. I really appreciate your comments Wanderer, cause it brought something forward, that I had never looked at before.

"Think of how creativity comes to you when using it for new ideas for your students, or projects, it may be a state of internal freedom, where you start to see many possibilities and choose the one more appropiated for the situacion and eventual needs, that is exactly the same you can do when interacting with others."

Thank you Ana for approaching it this way! Another way of looking at things! I love it. The words "internal freedom" made my heart sing. Those words really did something for me! It's like when you have a feeling and can't come up with the words of how you feel, and poof, someone else does!

In terms of interacting with others, I find I fair better with the kids, than the adults! :) I have to work on that.

"... and what is even more important you will not feel as If someone was stealing your creativity because nobody can take your creativity if you do it flow freely in yourself, better rejoice because you don’t have to steal it."

Those are wise words Ana! Thank you!

 

[happehrts]

Sorry for the blue type. I thought I had figured out how to copy and paste a quote, and put it in a blue box. I just went to look at it, and saw the blue type, yet no blue box