Attachment Avoidance: Addiction to Alone Time

[Windmill knight]

What one perceives as one's personality are, more often then not, simply extremely ingrained habits that we haven't acknowledged or have been unable to change.

Amen to that! To a great extent we are what we make of ourselves through our behavior, even if we don't realize it. Like the guy in T. Wilson's book who said he was shy but after his childhood he clearly turned into an extrovert - he changed his behavior, he just hadn't changed his self-theory about it.

That gives hope and the possibility of change through the creation of new, better habits, through practice and discipline.

 

[SeekinTruth]

This thread is very helpful to consider these things from many different angles. I'll be coming back to it, as so many other threads, to review and see deeper into so many connected issues. Thanks to everyone's input here. :)

 

[Jeremy F Kreuz]

Since reading the articles in this thread I have been observing this omnipresence and boy is this phenomena omnipresent in me. As soon as I wake up I tend to have this internal conversations where I feel attacked by my wife - counteracting against critique that I expect because of my actions or my words (even when she is only in the house but not physically in the same room), or that I fantasize about, but which are not based on anything or never will become reality. When there is not enough critique I make it up, to justify for myself this ongoing struggle which I need. It is quiet astounding to observe this and once observed it is completely ridiculous - what a waste of time and energy. It is also vicious - a form of vampiric feeding.

My wife seems to be the substitute of my mother - and as Laura wants pointed out to me in the forum- any women who happen to challenge me is prone to take up this role of me feeling agressed and attacked and obliged to rebel against. This points back to what Checkley discusses in Caricature of love. I need the omnipresence of women to attack them, to justify my existence and to feel better about me. If I happen to meet a woman who has good intentions - I make her badness up myself.

This phenomena of omnipresence seems to reside to the backburner when I am really alone (eg in the office outside the house), that is far enough away physically and in an environment other than the family. There I seem to retreat in a safe bubble and my mind comes to peace - or at least that voice is quiet. This happens when I am in a environment where the influence of my wife or the power to influence is not present. In the office for instance I am in control of things and I know that she does not have the knowledge nor the legitimacy to critique me on what I am doing there. The office is my escape hatch.

Of course there are other authoritative persons who could critique and arouse this voice, but I have arranged my work in such a way that these persons are far away (actually in another country). So I can indulge without little possibilities to be interrupted or to be called upon to justify. I have been doing this actually my whole professional career. I was always far away from my bosses. They had to rely on what I said or wrote them and that I could arrange to my own advantage. The pattern is clear.

This behavior I have seem to have learned from my father. And what I start to realize is that this arguing voice in my head is the one of my father - rebelling against his wife (which was probable a substitute for his mother). The phenomena is passed on through the generations. At the end of his life my father started to argue on his own out loud. He would argue especially against my younger sister which was the one who challenged him the most. (my mother died many years ago).

I defenitely have not overcome the negative introject, but I have identified them now clearler, their roles, and their dynamic. Thanks again Parallel for the article - a real eye opener.

 

[cubbex]

I can identify myself. I avoid certain people, and I require time to be alone to think about something or meditate, or whatever.

But well, this kind of disorder looks like, it is when a persons prefers to live in his own fantasy to escape the crude reality.

 

[mcb]

...But well, this kind of disorder looks like, it is when a persons prefers to live in his own fantasy to escape the crude reality.

More like escaping "the crude fantasy." It's not like we are, generally, living in the real world.

 

[Antoinette]

This discussion is interesting since the list of disorders is indeed long and probably a few could be checked off by all of us. There is a book I'm currently reading "Genome" by Matt Ridley, where in chapter 11 (he assigned each chapter by it's respective chromosome),11 is the chromosome that influences our personalities.

He opens the chapter with "The tension between universal characteristics of the human race and particular features of individuals is what the genome is all about. Somehow the genome is responsible for both the things we share with people and the things we experience uniquely in ourselves."

He goes on to talk about the 50 different chemicals in the brain how they are transmitted and the chemical messages sent. Mood, mind, personality and behavior are indeed socially and biologically determined. Our neurochemistry is genetic and wired......what can we do about it.....probably not much but be aware of it and try to understand what's going on when we see us in the actions of our ancestors and the reflex of our emotions to social stimuli. This area of science is still very much unfolding with strides being achieved just within the last few years. Of course as with most things of this nature much was discovered years ago and has now found it's way to validity.

I can't help but think while reading, what a cluster mess of confusion STS did to our DNA. I keep wondering how much will be restored/balanced with the merging of 4th density.

Hope I haven't wondered too far off topic.....

 

[anart]

Our neurochemistry is genetic and wired......what can we do about it.....probably not much but be aware of it and try to understand what's going on when we see us in the actions of our ancestors and the reflex of our emotions to social stimuli.

I couldn't disagree more. I'm living proof that neurochemistry can be changed through diet and through cognitive effort (The Work). There is a lot we can do about it. Yes, there are genetic limitations, but considering the epigenetic factor, even those are must less written in stone than most people think, at least to my understanding.

 

[Aliana]

I need "alone time", a lot, but did not really see my present self in Stan Tatkin Psy's (the author) description. Truth be said, when I was a child and growing into a teenager I used and abused from what I now think was an avoidant approach. I was used to self soothe and do things on my own, and grew entrenched in that mode. However, sometimes I also tried to oppose what I would perceived as a strong destructive tendency in me. Obviously I didn't do it always, but I tried to practice it, both with and without success.

As a result, I agree and can I think that I attest to what has been said about the rewiring of one's brain. For me, "fake it until you make it" has produced really unexpected results, and I think that many of you will also probably relate to this.
One of those results relates to the avoidant approach. Because I perceived the way I isolated myself as a defense instead of a healthy recharging, I sort of forced myself to be out and about. I was very clumsy, but I don't regret it.

The practice of constant socializing changed something that, up til then, seemed to be absolutely fundamental in me. Initially I was really bad at socializing, and can't say that I'm good at it now either, but the difference is that now I enjoy it and it feels natural to me. Enjoying it and feeling natural within it is something that had previously simply seemed impossible. It was: "not me". Nowadays, when I hear someone saying "I'm not like that", or similar expressions, I tend not to believe it. The brain has indeed and incredible plasticity! What one perceives as one's personality are, more often then not, simply extremely ingrained habits that we haven't acknowledged or have been unable to change.

Another aspect to this queston, and this has been a work in progress lesson for me, is that in order to fight against our natural tendency to comfortably "seat" in our own habits, there is a difference between radically opposing them, and gradually shifting gears, osit. I have, for several times, ignorantly (or rather stupidly) thrown myself into situations for which I was in no way prepared. In trying to oppose our destructive behaviors, I think that it will be more fruitful and realistic to first understand where we are at, put our feet on the ground so to say, and start with changes we can cope with. In other words, perhaps a good dose of risking but without putting the cart before the horses.

This has been a most interesting and timely discussion. I can see my own patterns in this as a result of early programming. I had a mother who alternately distanced, then smothered me. As a result I retreated into myself when I felt pushed away, and then also to “protect” myself from her intrusiveness.

What is interesting is that in the past few months, I have been trying to understand the huge difference between my personality as a very young child who I remember as being fairly gregarious and the quiet shy person I eventually became. I decided that somehow this person I became was not natural to me, and that being so, it must be possible to re-orient myself to an earlier more positive version of me.

That being said, it is a huge task to go up against long ingrained behaviors and often I have to do things in small steps so as not to invoke a reaction. But I have realized that I do enjoy interacting with others and have never been happy being too much alone.

So I think it is possible to change this – a big help is just becoming aware of the programming and having a belief that it can be changed with a willingness to incur some discomfort in the process. Just in the past couple of weeks, something huge has shifted in me – could be the improvements in diet finally kicking in, but whatever the source, the difference has been like night and day. I decided to use this to really push forward and do a lot of “faking it till you make it” kind of activities while I had the courage. What I have noticed is a distinct difference in how people respond to me, and that has engendered a kind of positive feedback that has helped me keep going. Not sure how easy it is to change those “hard-wired” behaviors, but with the changes in diet and the Work I agree that almost anything is possible - there again, if one is willing to work at it with all it takes.

 

[Gertrudes]

I couldn't disagree more. I'm living proof that neurochemistry can be changed through diet and through cognitive effort (The Work). There is a lot we can do about it. Yes, there are genetic limitations, but considering the epigenetic factor, even those are must less written in stone than most people think, at least to my understanding.

I second this as well, one can go through absolutely mind boggling inner transformations. In my experience (with faults, of course) you can spend a lifetime perceiving yourself to be a certain type of person, only to see that perspective take a 180 degree turn if you decide to change. You can spend a lifetime believing that certain aspects are part of a core "me", only to find out that you can be an entirely different person. It is an incredible process, and it does make me wonder just how much of me, is me?....

I see this ability to transform internally, similarly to how bodies can be, themselves, transformed. If you look at body builders, they tend to look alike. Sure, some are shorter then others, some are blond, others have brown hair. Nevertheless, they have worked their bodies in a certain way that completely transforms its shape. Same for dancers, and pretty much any sport that is taken professionally. The point being that one's body shape can be almost completely altered according to how you work it. I see our inner landscape and behavior similarly. I do think that genetics has its part, but not so much like a fixed set of equations determining most of what we are, but rather like a highly flexible, moldable structure. A bit like plasticine :). I suppose that it tends to become increasingly rigid and inflexible the less you work on it.

So I think it is possible to change this – a big help is just becoming aware of the programming and having a belief that it can be changed with a willingness to incur some discomfort in the process.
(...)
Not sure how easy it is to change those “hard-wired” behaviors, but with the changes in diet and the Work I agree that almost anything is possible - there again, if one is willing to work at it with all it takes.

I really think that Will is one of the greatest factors here. I am probably missing a lot of other things, but what I've noticed is that willing something, viscerally, from the depths of me, has so far been what has enabled transformation. The best description I can find at the moment is: if you wish it, truly wish it from your very core, consider it done. Will, in the true sense of the word, sort of tends to take a life of its own :) if you let it carry you, one day you look back and you're suddenly amazed at that 180 degree turn.

 

[SeekinTruth]

I couldn't disagree more. I'm living proof that neurochemistry can be changed through diet and through cognitive effort (The Work). There is a lot we can do about it. Yes, there are genetic limitations, but considering the epigenetic factor, even those are must less written in stone than most people think, at least to my understanding.

I second this as well, one can go through absolutely mind boggling inner transformations. In my experience (with faults, of course) you can spend a lifetime perceiving yourself to be a certain type of person, only to see that perspective take a 180 degree turn if you decide to change. You can spend a lifetime believing that certain aspects are part of a core "me", only to find out that you can be an entirely different person. It is an incredible process, and it does make me wonder just how much of me, is me?....

I see this ability to transform internally, similarly to how bodies can be, themselves, transformed. If you look at body builders, they tend to look alike. Sure, some are shorter then others, some are blond, others have brown hair. Nevertheless, they have worked their bodies in a certain way that completely transforms its shape. Same for dancers, and pretty much any sport that is taken professionally. The point being that one's body shape can be almost completely altered according to how you work it. I see our inner landscape and behavior similarly. I do think that genetics has its part, but not so much like a fixed set of equations determining most of what we are, but rather like a highly flexible, moldable structure. A bit like plasticine :). I suppose that it tends to become increasingly rigid and inflexible the less you work on it.

I, too, agree with this. Diet alone can have HUGE changes on the body AND the mind. There's plenty of studies and personal experiments and experiences right here on the forum as evidence for it.

 

[cubbex]

Our neurochemistry is genetic and wired......what can we do about it.....probably not much but be aware of it and try to understand what's going on when we see us in the actions of our ancestors and the reflex of our emotions to social stimuli.

I couldn't disagree more. I'm living proof that neurochemistry can be changed through diet and through cognitive effort (The Work). There is a lot we can do about it. Yes, there are genetic limitations, but considering the epigenetic factor, even those are must less written in stone than most people think, at least to my understanding.

Indeed, we are more unstable than we usually think. And not only anart is a living proof anoinette, also others that have been in periods of life when you think the objective to change our situation is almost impossible.

Of course, hard work is needed.

 

[Antoinette]

Goodness......I guess I must explain my words more in depth. What I meant "there's not much we can do" was referring to the generational passing down of genetics. For those that have done "The Work", becoming more "aware" of what's going on, through observations of the self, and utilizing methods of change, mutations will occur in our DNA that will change those genetics to a type of mutations for generations to follow. This is a good thing. Awareness only comes with much diligence and hard work I completely agree.

I was trying to let those who suffer from such to know that it was not just a quirk in them, that it had background of which they were not responsible. I applaud those of you that have overcome and are willing to do what it takes to make a wholeness of truth within yourselves.

Genetic research has only within the last few years given anything that could be possibly be put in stone. But not unlike many of you I feel the truth still remains to be seen. I however find it incredibly interesting. Like answers to the why and who we are here.

I will try in the future to be more clear. Thank you for this lesson.

 

[Aliana]

I second this as well, one can go through absolutely mind boggling inner transformations. In my experience (with faults, of course) you can spend a lifetime perceiving yourself to be a certain type of person, only to see that perspective take a 180 degree turn if you decide to change. You can spend a lifetime believing that certain aspects are part of a core "me", only to find out that you can be an entirely different person. It is an incredible process, and it does make me wonder just how much of me, is me?....

Reading Timothy Wilsons books and David McRaney’s “You are Not so Smart” made a huge difference for me – I began to understand that I really had no idea who I was. What was a bonus was that it gave me some space to re-frame my personality by opening to the possibility that I could be different; it enabled me to look at myself with entirely new eyes. I remember having the sense of some hard shell covering my brain having been cracked open.

Coincidentally, I recently had to dig out my birth certificate and discovered that my time of birth was an hour later than my parents had written in my baby book. When I re-did my chart, my ascendant had changed and several planets had changed houses. It was an interesting confirmation that I had absolutely no idea who or what I was – but the nice thing was that I thought, if that was the case – who can I become? Perhaps having one’s moorings unhinged a bit so we are less attached to who we think we are is helpful in some cases.

 

[Gertrudes]

Coincidentally, I recently had to dig out my birth certificate and discovered that my time of birth was an hour later than my parents had written in my baby book. When I re-did my chart, my ascendant had changed and several planets had changed houses.

The timing of your find - recently - is very coincidental :)

It was an interesting confirmation that I had absolutely no idea who or what I was – but the nice thing was that I thought, if that was the case – who can I become? Perhaps having one’s moorings unhinged a bit so we are less attached to who we think we are is helpful in some cases.

Indeed.
And thank you for that image of the unhinged mooring, if you don't mind I'll borrow it as a visual to help me deal with those situations where I feel like I'm stuck inside myself and can't be moved even by a 10 ton truck.

 

[Aliana]

Coincidentally, I recently had to dig out my birth certificate and discovered that my time of birth was an hour later than my parents had written in my baby book. When I re-did my chart, my ascendant had changed and several planets had changed houses.

The timing of your find - recently - is very coincidental :)

Quite - the Universe has an interesting sense of humor. What is bizarre is that i am 62 years old and I have "believed" this version of me for all this time. Astrology can be a great tool or nonsense if not used /understood correctly.

It was an interesting confirmation that I had absolutely no idea who or what I was – but the nice thing was that I thought, if that was the case – who can I become? Perhaps having one’s moorings unhinged a bit so we are less attached to who we think we are is helpful in some cases.

Indeed.
And thank you for that image of the unhinged mooring, if you don't mind I'll borrow it as a visual to help me deal with those situations where I feel like I'm stuck inside myself and can't be moved even by a 10 ton truck.

You are welcome to use it - glad it helps. My psyche seems to tell me things pictorially - it's sometimes a challenge to decode the messages, and at other times it tells me things in a way that I could never have understood verbally.