Attachment Avoidance: Addiction to Alone Time

Laura said:
Funny thing is: I get very agitated if I have to be out in public for very long, like around people with what I would call discordant vibes. But I'm perfectly happy to spend almost endless amounts of time with "my own kind." I do require a certain amount of "down time" alone, but mostly it is spent reading.

I do spend a lot more time with other people NOW than I was able to tolerate in the distant past mainly because they aren't loaded with all the lies and obfuscations and weird vibes that just make me want to jump out of my skin.

So maybe that has a lot to do with it?

I get a very different flavor from what you describe, Laura, which I think is normal and even healthy, and what the article describes. That's because I think I recognize the article in some dissociative aspects of myself (but not all), and in some people I have known in my life who had those traits much more pronounced than me. Some people had a self-image of being very strong and independent, but often gave me the impression that they were acting defensively (therefore out of weakness and not strength), e.g. by building walls where none were needed, running away or being preemtively agressive, etc.
 
Thanks! This was a very interesting read. A search on Google Scholar gave another article by Stan Tatkin:

"Allergic to hope: Angry resistant attachment and a one-person psychology within a two-person psychological system"

_http://www.ahealthymind.org/library/11_2011_Tatkin_Allergic%20to%20Hope.pdf

Some quotes:

In ‘Addiction to Alone Time’ (Tatkin, 2009), I described the idiosyncratic behaviours and attitudes that mark individuals who are characterised with an ‘avoidant’ attachment style. Here I turn my attention to the opposite side of the insecure attachment spectrum: the individual who is characterised with an ‘angry resistant’ attachment style. In ‘Wired for Love’ (Tatkin, in press), I euphemistically refer to the avoidant attachment style as islands, and the angry resistant attachment style as waves. These terms may evoke images that help to illustrate the differences between these two insecure orientations.

[...]

The attachment system of the couple is built on signal-response interactions between self and other. I send a verbal and/or non-verbal signal to my partner, and she responds. How long it takes for her to respond, the quality of her response, and the consequences (if any) for my sending a signal in the first place, become part of the calculus that determines how I signal in the future. If my history contains many repeated experiences of sending a signal only to get no response, or a delayed response, or a response that was ill-attuned or unhelpful (for which I paid with rejection, punishment, or attack), I would ‘organise’ according to an insecure model. In addition, I would experience a higher load of interpersonal stress when I am in an attachment relationship than I would if I had a more secure history.

[...]

In contrast, the angry resistant individual tends to focus away from the self in favour of external regulation by and for another person. The anticipation of relationship failure is as psychobiologically wired for the angry resistant individual, as autoregulation and indifference are for the avoidant individual. By ‘wired’, I mean recorded and recalled in procedural (implicit) memory via the signal-response system, and played out in defensive actions by way of the autonomic nervous and neuroendocrine systems. These defensive actions are largely reflexive and sub-psychological, which is to say they are driven by somatosensory/ sensorimotor, brainstem, and lower limbic neuro-pathways. The strategy of the angry resistant individual is to offset anticipatory disappointment and failure through negativistic conduct, a personality feature influenced by early childhood development (Fairbairn, 1941; Kurtz & Morey, 1998; Levy & Inderbitzin, 1989; Lewin & Schulz, 1992; Sroufe & Waters, 1977).

Driven by hope that is dashed instantly by the anticipation of failure, the angry resistant individual employs negativism as a control mechanism against dependency. Hope is incurred most often during periods of reunion with one’s partner. That reunion may or may not follow a physical separation. Reunions, from which springs hope of an eternal merger, instead bring memories of past reunion failures and are likely to be followed by the other’s impatience, frustration, and withdrawal, quickly leading to yet another separation. The angry resistant individual ‘knows’, with certainty from within his or her body, what is to come from hope, and it is bad. This becomes what is, in essence, an allergy to hope. While the avoidant individual is allergic to dependency, the angry resistant individual is allergic to hope.

[...]

An antidote to the allergy
People are hurt by people, and only people can repair those injuries. No one is better positioned to repair injuries than the primary relationship partner, and the couple therapist can promote this. The angry resistant’s negativism both engages and pushes away, as we have seen. The angry resistant’s partner, regardless of his or her own attachment orientation, likely will be faced with an ongoing challenge to remain undaunted by the waxing and waning of this negativism. The partner must come to understand in therapy that the corrective counter-movement and recognise it for what it is: a real bid for patience and understanding; kindness and compassion; and ultimate reassurance that the angry resistant is not a burden, overly needy, or destined for rejection.

In other words:
She: [approach and reunion] “You are so handsome. I love you.”
He: [angry resistant reaction to approach and reunion] “Yeah, right. Tell that to someone who’ll believe you.”
She: [typical but wrong response] “Forget it. You’re impossible.”
She: [corrective response] “You are my handsome man and I – LOVE – YOU.” [she kisses him]

The couple therapist should expect the angry resistant to respond positively to this forward movement. Why? Because it is the last thing the angry resistant expects, it can cut through entrenched negativism and provide relief for his or her allergy to hope. Partners do not always have to move forward in this manner, but they must find a way to counter the angry resistant’s self-fulfilling negativism.

Conclusion
Couple therapists working with angry resistant partners are advised to keep in mind that, like avoidants, angry resistant individuals operate in a one-person psychological system. This means they make too many pro-self choices at the cost of the relationship. Nevertheless, how this orientation manifests, both within the relationship and in therapy, is quite different for the two insecure types. The couple therapist must become continually attuned to such differences. Understanding regulatory bias and basic neurobiological make-up, and having the ability to accurately assess the attachment style of partners in therapy are crucial for working effectively with angry resistant individuals. For example, conventional wisdom from American object relations theory suggests that couple therapists faced with a clinging partner (borderline spectrum, or angry resistant) and a distancing partner (narcissism spectrum, or avoidant) should not confront the distancing partner first because that partner is too vulnerable to exposure and to narcissistic injury, and therefore more likely than the clinging partner to up and leave (Kernberg, 1975; Klein, 1995; Masterson, 1981).

Applying the principles of attachment theory and arousal regulation discussed here, the couple therapist understands the angry resistant individual’s allergy to hope, and thus is able to engage the angry resistant individual’s partner in providing a sufficient corrective response that paves the way for confrontation, without risking premature termination by either partner. Couple therapists who can incorporate such subtleties stand the best chance of successfully working with individuals who adhere to a one-person psychological system and moving them toward and into a satisfying and long-lasting relationship based on a two-person psychological system.
 
Windmill knight said:
Laura said:
Funny thing is: I get very agitated if I have to be out in public for very long, like around people with what I would call discordant vibes. But I'm perfectly happy to spend almost endless amounts of time with "my own kind." I do require a certain amount of "down time" alone, but mostly it is spent reading.

I do spend a lot more time with other people NOW than I was able to tolerate in the distant past mainly because they aren't loaded with all the lies and obfuscations and weird vibes that just make me want to jump out of my skin.

So maybe that has a lot to do with it?

I get a very different flavor from what you describe, Laura, which I think is normal and even healthy, and what the article describes. That's because I think I recognize the article in some dissociative aspects of myself (but not all), and in some people I have known in my life who had those traits much more pronounced than me. Some people had a self-image of being very strong and independent, but often gave me the impression that they were acting defensively (therefore out of weakness and not strength), e.g. by building walls where none were needed, running away or being preemtively agressive, etc.

I agree that Laura's angle is quite different from the deeply dissociative and avoidant state described possible in the paper. As SeekingTruth said:

it seems that there may be different reasons why different people can have the "Attachment Avoidance" and why they became "addicted to 'Alone Time?'" I'm not sure, but I think there may be different "causation" for similar or same "symptoms," it seems.

Being a highly sensitive person would probably have a radically different effect than on an OP (if they would even be succeptible to such imprints). Our environments and genetic/ learning curve factors should scatter us all over the possible adaptive spectrum.
 
What may seem to be "hard wired" may be so, but it can also be a result of vagus nerve sensitization and that can be corrected over time as the article posted by Aragorn above describes.
 
Windmill knight said:
Laura said:
Funny thing is: I get very agitated if I have to be out in public for very long, like around people with what I would call discordant vibes. But I'm perfectly happy to spend almost endless amounts of time with "my own kind." I do require a certain amount of "down time" alone, but mostly it is spent reading.

I do spend a lot more time with other people NOW than I was able to tolerate in the distant past mainly because they aren't loaded with all the lies and obfuscations and weird vibes that just make me want to jump out of my skin.

So maybe that has a lot to do with it?

I get a very different flavor from what you describe, Laura, which I think is normal and even healthy, and what the article describes. That's because I think I recognize the article in some dissociative aspects of myself (but not all), and in some people I have known in my life who had those traits much more pronounced than me. Some people had a self-image of being very strong and independent, but often gave me the impression that they were acting defensively (therefore out of weakness and not strength), e.g. by building walls where none were needed, running away or being preemtively agressive, etc.

I haven't been able to tolerate being out in public much since being diagnosed with MS. For a year or two before that, I'd noticed how going out and socializing became less and less enjoyable, and more exhausting. I think a person's health and energy levels have a lot to do with needing 'Alone Time', and that its probably more complicated than the paper shows?

That said, I do see a lot of my childhood reflected in this paper. That changed once free from my parents dysfunctional house, and access to therapy. Like Laura mentioned, its been tough to find people 'of my own kind'. So far, just my Husband, and a few friends who live far away. The longer I'm on the Paleo diet, the better my energy becomes, and that makes social interactions much less of an energy drain...depending on who we're seeing.

My basic nature does best in small groups, and I work very well on my own. Do I still avoid people? Yes. Especially those in my family that are toxic, and large crowded events...it leaves me feeling covered in mud with burrs in my hair. (Traveling does the same thing.)

I'm hoping continued improvements in diet will help with all this, one step at a time. It would be nice to get out more. :flowers:

My eventual goal? Get to an actual EE class. Wow, that would rock! :headbanger:
 
O.M.G. I think I just found out something about myself that explains MUCH... the adult example given in the paper describes me to a "T"... ouch (not for ME but those that have to suffer my introverted, stand offish "leave me alone!" attitude-for even the most innocent of requests) I really HATE it when someone invades my "personal" space- now I have some understanding of what dynamics may be in play and must examine closer.

Thanks for this-a real eye opener. Got to catch up on my psychology reading...groan...so FAR behind
 
While I was at it, I found this paper:

"Avoidant attachment and hemispheric lateralisation of the processing of attachment- and emotion- related words" by Cohen, M X, UC Davis Shaver, P R (2004).

_http://escholarship.org/uc/item/1qk0v8kx.pdf

Quite a fascinating study, IMO. Here's the abstract (emphasis mine):

Abstract:

Studies of adult attachment indicate that intimacy avoidance is associated with general negative emotionality and withdrawal from potentially positive aspects of social relations. Such emotional negativity and withdrawal motivation have been connected in psychophysiological studies with the right frontal lobe of the brain, whereas the left frontal lobe specialises in emotional positivity and approach behaviour. In the present study we used a divided visual field task to investigate hemispheric asymmetries in making decisions about the positivity or negativity of attachment- and emotion-related words, as well as various kinds of control words. We found that more avoidant individuals made more errors when judging positive attachment-related words presented to the right hemisphere. The findings are discussed in terms of possible effects of attachment history on the way attachment-related information is processed in the brain.

Some more:

One of the leading frameworks for studying close relationships in adolescence and adulthood is attachment theory, a theory originally developed by Bowlby and Ainsworth to explain human infants’ emotional attachment to their caregivers (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978; Bowlby, 1982; see Fraley & Shaver, 2000, and Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003, for an overview of the theory as applied to adult relationships). According to Bowlby (1982), humans are born with an innate behavioral system, the attachment behavioral system, which ensures that people of all ages, but especially young children, will seek safety, protection, and support from selected other people (“attachment figures”) when threatened, injured, or ill. Ainsworth and her colleagues (1978) identified systematic patterns of attachment in infancy that seemed to result from certain kinds of parenting.

[...]

Here, we are particularly interested in the relative absence of certain positive behaviors and qualities in avoidant individuals’ close relationships. For example, avoidant individuals report experiencing fewer positive emotions (Searle & Meara, 1999) and rate everyday social interactions as boring and unengaging (Tidwell, Reis, & Shaver, 1996). They do not approach situations where self-disclosure is (for most people) appropriate, normative, and rewarding, nor do they approve of others’ self-disclosures (Anders & Tucker, 2000; Mikulincer & Nachshon, 1991). In stressful situations, avoidant individuals exhibit fewer caregiving behaviors and offer less support to their romantic partners (Feeney & Collins, 2001; Fraley & Shaver, 1998). During the Gulf War, avoidantly attached Israelis who lived in the most dangerous areas were more likely than non-avoidant individuals to use distancing, self-reliant coping strategies rather than seeking social support and comfort from close relationship partners (Mikulincer, Florian, & Weller, 1993).

Avoidant individuals do not show increases in creative thinking following a positive mood induction, as is common among secure individuals (i.e., Isen & Daubman, 1984; Mikulincer & Sheffi, 2000). Moreover, when primed (i.e., shown a stimulus so briefly that its appearance is not consciously perceived) with an attachment-related threat word (e.g., “separation”), avoidant individuals inhibited activation of their attachment figures’ names. For non-avoidant individuals, the pattern of results was exactly the opposite: Responses to the names of attachment figures were facilitated by an attachment-related threat word (Mikulincer, Gillath, & Shaver, 2002). These findings indicate that while non-avoidant individuals automatically activate mental representations of their attachment figures in times of threat, avoidant individuals, even on a pre-conscious level, steer clear of this kind of mental representation, at least when the issue of separation has been raised.

These findings illustrate two key features of the emotional and behavioral lives of avoidant individuals: 1) In their close relationships, they experience both less positivity and more negativity, and 2) they exhibit both fewer approach behaviors and more withdrawal behaviors. Valenced emotional dispositions and patterns of approach/withdrawal behavior are associated not only with patterns of adult attachment. In recent years, neuroscientists have begun to explore how the two cerebral hemispheres differentially process emotion-related information (see Davidson, Jackson, & Kalin, 2000, for a review). Researchers have not come to consensus on the best way to characterize these hemispheric asymmetries (Cacioppo & Gardner, 1999; Davidson & Irwin, 1999), but the gist of the findings is that emotions related to or caused by appetitive or approach motives are associated with greater activation in the left prefrontal cortex, whereas emotions related to or caused by avoidance or withdrawal motives are associated with greater activation in the right prefrontal cortex. We do not propose to resolve disagreements within that research area. Rather, we wish to use the general distinction, which is well documented, to investigate how individual differences in avoidant attachment relate to hemispheric differences in the processing of attachment-related information.

[...]

Given that negative emotions and withdrawal tendencies are associated with the right frontal cortex, it seems likely that avoidant attachment is a reflection of particular kinds of processing in that hemisphere of the brain. Avoidant individuals should be either more adept at processing negative attachment-related information or less adept at processing positive attachment-related information in the right hemisphere. The latter prediction is compatible with the extensive evidence reviewed above indicating that avoidant individuals fail to react positively to various kinds of positive affect inductions, fail to become engaged in social interactions, and fail to seek support from others when under stress.

Testing Asymmetry in the Brain
In order to explore attachment and hemispheric differences in emotion processing, we can take advantage of the fact that stimuli presented to one visual hemifield are first processed by the opposite hemisphere. For example, an image presented to the right side of a person’s visual field will first enter the primary visual area in the left hemisphere. By briefly presenting a stimulus on one side (e.g., the left side) of a fixation point, we can ensure that the stimulus is processed first by the contralateral, or opposite, hemisphere (in this case, the right hemisphere). Experimentally, this phenomenon can be used in a divided visual field task.

Divided visual field tasks are commonly used in the cognitive sciences to investigate how quickly and accurately different hemispheres process information. Typically, the task involves brief presentations of letter strings or images in either visual field. A participant makes a decision about that stimulus and responds using a keyboard or response box. This task is useful for studying how different kinds of emotional and attachment-related information are processed. Words that convey certain meanings and connotations can be presented to a particular visual field to be processed first by the contralateral hemisphere. In the study reported here, we wanted participants to be thinking about attachment-related issues so that their attachment systems would be engaged and attachment-related material in memory would be primed. We therefore had them write about attachment-related issues for 5 minutes before performing the divided visual field task.

Study Overview and Hypotheses
Participants completed dispositional measures of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance, which we expected to be related to hemispheric asymmetry, and were then primed to think about attachment issues in the following way. Half of them wrote about a secure attachment figure (someone they love very much, who is always there for them and is responsive to their needs) and half wrote about an attachment threat: abandonment (someone they love very much suddenly and without explanation leaving them for someone else). These priming manipulations were expected to make positive or negative attachment-related experiences temporarily more available in memory.

Our first hypothesis was that responses to emotionally valenced words would be lateralized in a pattern consistent with hemispheric asymmetry models; specifically, the right hemisphere would have a negative word advantage and the left hemisphere would have a positive word advantage. This difference was expected to appear in all experimental conditions. The second hypothesis was that the attachment prime would increase the availability of related verbal information, because thinking about a positive attachment situation (a loving, supportive attachment figure) would facilitate responses to related positive words, whereas thinking about a negative attachment situation (abandonment) would facilitate responses to related negative words. This effect was expected to occur independently of other experimental manipulations. The third hypothesis was that attachment-related avoidance would be associated with either a right hemisphere advantage for processing negative attachment-related words or a right hemisphere disadvantage for processing positive attachment-related words. If obtained, this finding would support the possibility that the psychological and behavioral correlates of avoidant attachment are related to differences in the way the two cerebral hemispheres process information.

[...]

Discussion


Our first hypothesis was supported. Consistent with affective-motivational models of hemispheric asymmetry, we found a left hemisphere advantage for categorization accuracy when processing positive emotion and attachment-related words, and a right hemisphere advantage for processing negative emotion and attachment-related words. These differences were larger in the right hemisphere. This is consistent with the fact that some behavioral studies of emotional lateralization find effects only for the right hemisphere (Atchley, Ilardi, & Enloe, 2003; Richards, French, & Dowd, 1995), while others find effects in both hemispheres (Bernat, Bunce, & Shevrin, 2001; Burton & Levy, 1991; Eviatar & Zaidel, 1991). This may reflect the fact that the right hemisphere is slower overall at language processing than the left hemisphere, and thus differences that exist equally in both hemispheres appear larger in the right hemisphere in tasks that involve language comprehension and decisions. It is also possible that the linguistic representation of emotion is not as strongly lateralized as other behavioral or response-related representations.

The second hypothesis, that writing about attachment issues would increase the availability of affectively related attachment information, was partially supported. When the participants were broken down into two groups—those who had responded with their left hand and those who had responded with their right hand—those who had responded with their right hand showed a pattern of results consistent with the hypotheses, whereas those who had responded with their left hand showed no differences. This may be due to a number of factors. First, the right hand is controlled by the left hemisphere, which is dominant for language production. Our prime was a language-intensive one (writing for approximately 5 minutes), so one would expect the left hemisphere to be more strongly primed than the right hemisphere, which has very limited language production capabilities.

Second, Koivisto (1998) has suggested that the right hemisphere is not sensitive to immediate priming effects, but shows priming effects later (i.e., post-lexical judgment). Our task demanded very rapid responses and thus may not be capable of detecting right hemispheric priming effects. Third, although semantic priming has been shown to occur in the right hemisphere (Chiarello et al., 1990; Chiarello & Richards, 1992; Long & Baynes, in press), these studies show that the right hemisphere is sensitive to priming for distantly related but not proximally related words (Chiarello & Richards, 1992; Chiarello et al., 2001). Since the words used in our study were closely related to positive and negative attachment issues, it is possible that the priming manipulation was a proximal one, and thus did not affect the right hemisphere (which controls left-handed responses).

The third hypothesis stated that dispositional attachment avoidance would be associated with either a right hemisphere advantage for processing negative attachment information or a right hemisphere disadvantage for processing positive words. The latter part of this hypothesis was supported: While there was no advantage for processing negative words in the right hemisphere, attachment avoidance was significantly associated with a disadvantage for processing positive words in the right hemisphere. Furthermore, attachment avoidance predicted lower scores on positive attachment words in the right hemisphere even after partialing out the effects of response hand, priming condition, negative affect, and positive affect.

We will consider two possible reasons for this effect. First, it is important to remember that although the visual information was presented to only one hemisphere, both hemispheres participated in the response decisions because information travels rapidly between the two hemispheres via the corpus callosum. Perhaps for individuals who score higher on attachment avoidance, positive attachment-related information does not transfer across the hemispheres as rapidly as other kinds of information, which reduces accuracy.

Second, individuals who score relatively high on measures of dispositional avoidance may differ from individuals who score low in the way they represent or make judgments about positive attachment information in the right hemisphere. Perhaps this kind of information is less well represented, or decision-making processes based on such information are more difficult when the information is presented to the right hemisphere. This interpretation is consistent with behavioral evidence that avoidance predicts less experience and expression of positive emotions (Searle & Meara, 1999; Tidwell et al., 1996). In the brain, this effect may originate from poorly represented positive attachment information networks in the right hemisphere, the hemisphere that is overall less efficient at processing positive emotional information.

[...]

In general, our findings suggest differences in the processing of attachment-related information in the brains of individuals who are high on attachment avoidance compared to those who are low. These differences may be important in understanding the nature of avoidance in close relationships.
 
This information is excellent timing for me. Thank You. Funny how information pops up to reinforce an epiphany.
Aragorn, you just providing more "food" for thought as I was writing.
Thanks to all of you. This forum Rocks.!.!.!
:rockon:
 
Thanks for starting this thread Parallel. I can see a lot of myself in the article you quoted. I spend loads of time alone and need "down time" in order to recharge. A lot of it is due to circumstance as I happen to live alone at the moment but I do have some avoidant traits as well due to narcissistic wounding during childhood. Much of my addiction to alone time is due to not having like minded friends in real life but I certainly am capable of hanging out with folks at work and non-colinear family as well as "busting a move" (dancing) at family parties. Though when all that is over I can't wait to hightail it back home and get back to reading , learning stuff and generally doing my own thing.
 
Odyssey said:
... Though when all that is over I can't wait to hightail it back home and get back to reading , learning stuff and generally doing my own thing.

Is it possible that a lot of regular folks are just too busy doing what they do to look beyond everyday life? It's been said that to learn, you need to be "uncomfortable" -- that the more ordinary and unperturbed a person's life is, the harder it is to see beyond it.
 
Jones said:
Yes, I can identify with this. It was actually quite a shock to read it and I asked my partner about it and read it out to her and she chuckled and nodded her head.

I feel utterly drained if I don't get alone time. If I go out, I can get agitated after a certain amount of time depending on where I go to. If I go out to the bush or desert I'm fine. If I'm in town I reach a certain point and just have to go back home.

In my alone time I can either be reading or pottering with tasks in the house or garden. I have problemLs with lots of noise and prefer the quiet.

Laura said:
I do spend a lot more time with other people NOW than I was able to tolerate in the distant past mainly because they aren't loaded with all the lies and obfuscations and weird vibes that just make me want to jump out of my skin.

So maybe that has a lot to do with it?

I struggle with vibes coming from people, but I don't know if my perceptions about that are accurate.

I spend a lot more time around people also because my partner is a lot more social than I am. This for me is definitely doing something that the predator doesn't want me to do! Does it still count as Work if you're dragged into it kicking and screaming rather than making a conscious decision to do it though? Lol! I don't think so! I don't mind people coming to visit so much, but I'd prefer to have the option of saying 'no, now's not a good time' rather than just have them turn up. If I don't get the time to plan for it or adjust to it, it seems to send me into a spin.

parallel said:
There must be preparation and calmness to shift from the safe bubble of mind to interaction and notice with the other.
Perhaps this says what I'm trying to say more succinctly.

But there's another aspect also. It's kind of like there is such an intense focus on reading others, every single gesture, eye movement, and subtle change in expression or inflection of voice that the level of focus itself is exhausting. Possibly another effect of narcissistic wounding.[b/]

The dissociative aspect of autoregulation screens out minor intrusions, such as bids for connection and interaction.

I don't think this part applies to me though....I don't seem to be able to screen out minor intrusions. I actually prefer to have the whole house to myself for alone time or to be awake when everyone else is sleeping. My parents had me on sleeping tablets at 7yo for this reason.


The bold part in particular I get also. I think that when I started to self remember and discover how I can project my feelings onto someone etc, that I began to notice every little thing and being conscious of this all, Is VERY exhausting for me, especially as I work with the public constantly for 8 hours a day. Recently though I made a point to just let conversations flow rather than become aware of everything that goes on which my intellectual centre would do, and this has helped me to conserve energy for the days work. I would focus on everything the customer was doing, acting but I wasn't really listening to what they were saying and this kind of focus would make me feel very self conscious for some reason. And also not very good at my job!

I share a lot of your experiences Jones, not sure how to deal with them in a 'work' sense though. Maybe by just doing what the predator doesn't want, will help build up positive reinforcement from which our unconscious can use?

But thank you parallel for bringing this topic up as it Is very interesting! :)
 
I have also been working with some of these issues. I could probably define a large portion of myself in terms of 'Attachment Avoidance' back during my junior and senior High School years especially.

Many times, for whatever reasons, sensory input I get from people would sometimes feel overwhelming or just make me uncomfortable. I guess most people just referred to 'bad vibes', but what bothered me most was in plain sight. The body language, verbal expressions - especially the flat tones and the micro-expressions were not all hidden or edited out to me. Sometimes it was all I could do to refrain from telling someone they were lying their freakin' *ss off! Of course, the alternative, or I should say the consequence, of a butt-whupping was equally unpleasant so I adapted. I learned later in life that many schizophrenics and autistics perceive certain things similarly, so it hurt me to consider the possibility, at that time, that I might be one of 'those' since I didn't have any but the conventional understanding of those 'conditions'. So, what do you suppose that did for my 'attachment' issues?

Most of the time I just ignored what I saw by looking around, looking the other way, or standing beside the person I'm speaking with and looking the same way while interacting with them. 'Alone time' was another technique and sometimes that was needed just to recover energy spent worrying about what was wrong and who was at fault and why couldn't life just be good.

People who were more honest and open, or who at least didn't seem to take everything too seriously, I became fast friends with, and it seems they may have kept me from closing up completely. Usually these would be the geeks, nerds and other 'unpopulars', but I befriended some of the popular kids too, I think, just by acting a bit more confident, though I had little interest in the 'popular' activities if I couldn't feel like I deserved to participate, or that I 'belonged'.

I do agree with Megan that the brain does have a capacity to rewire. This capacity is called neuroplasticity and there are many references on the web if anyone is interested in the subject.
 
Windmill knight said:
I get a very different flavor from what you describe, Laura, which I think is normal and even healthy, and what the article describes. That's because I think I recognize the article in some dissociative aspects of myself (but not all), and in some people I have known in my life who had those traits much more pronounced than me. Some people had a self-image of being very strong and independent, but often gave me the impression that they were acting defensively (therefore out of weakness and not strength), e.g. by building walls where none were needed, running away or being preemtively agressive, etc.

My thoughts as well. While I think that the article's excerpt does make a good job at accurately describing one side of a person's need to be alone, I don't think that it is covering it all. There is a difference between being comfortable with something in a stagnant, destructive way, or in a healthy way. Alone time can result from either the former or the latter, osit.
I agree with SeekinTruth when he said:

SeekinTruth said:
it seems that there may be different reasons why different people can have the "Attachment Avoidance" and why they became "addicted to 'Alone Time?'" I'm not sure, but I think there may be different "causation" for similar or same "symptoms," it seems.

I need "alone time", a lot, but did not really see my present self in Stan Tatkin Psy's (the author) description. Truth be said, when I was a child and growing into a teenager I used and abused from what I now think was an avoidant approach. I was used to self soothe and do things on my own, and grew entrenched in that mode. However, sometimes I also tried to oppose what I would perceived as a strong destructive tendency in me. Obviously I didn't do it always, but I tried to practice it, both with and without success.

As a result, I agree and can I think that I attest to what has been said about the rewiring of one's brain. For me, "fake it until you make it" has produced really unexpected results, and I think that many of you will also probably relate to this.
One of those results relates to the avoidant approach. Because I perceived the way I isolated myself as a defense instead of a healthy recharging, I sort of forced myself to be out and about. I was very clumsy, but I don't regret it.

The practice of constant socializing changed something that, up til then, seemed to be absolutely fundamental in me. Initially I was really bad at socializing, and can't say that I'm good at it now either, but the difference is that now I enjoy it and it feels natural to me. Enjoying it and feeling natural within it is something that had previously simply seemed impossible. It was: "not me". Nowadays, when I hear someone saying "I'm not like that", or similar expressions, I tend not to believe it. The brain has indeed and incredible plasticity! What one perceives as one's personality are, more often then not, simply extremely ingrained habits that we haven't acknowledged or have been unable to change.

Another aspect to this queston, and this has been a work in progress lesson for me, is that in order to fight against our natural tendency to comfortably "seat" in our own habits, there is a difference between radically opposing them, and gradually shifting gears, osit. I have, for several times, ignorantly (or rather stupidly) thrown myself into situations for which I was in no way prepared. In trying to oppose our destructive behaviors, I think that it will be more fruitful and realistic to first understand where we are at, put our feet on the ground so to say, and start with changes we can cope with. In other words, perhaps a good dose of risking but without putting the cart before the horses.

These are just some of my current thoughts.

Edit: Clarified some sentences
 
[quote author=Gertrudes]
The practice of constant socializing changed something that, up til then, seemed to be absolutely fundamental in me. Initially I was really bad at socializing, and can't say that I'm good at it now either, but the difference is that now I enjoy it and it feels natural to me. Enjoying it and feeling natural within it is something that had previously simply seemed impossible. It was: "not me". Nowadays, when I hear someone saying "I'm not like that", or similar expressions, I tend not to believe it. The brain has indeed and incredible plasticity! What one perceives as one's personality are, more often then not, simply extremely ingrained habits that we haven't acknowledged or have been unable to change.[/quote]

Beautifully stated, I think. I don't really know when things turned around for me and I started seeing life more as adventure. With me, it seems that most all changes are gradual and go unnoticed as seen from the inside. Today, I do enjoy contact with others most of the time and I feel much more sympathetic than in my earlier years. I do socialize more, also, though it's usually in connection with some purpose and not just socializing to pass time.

Laura's support over my 'failure to make intimate contact' rant elsewhere helped me realize that while some of my narratives on here may occasionally make me feel irredeemably abberated, there are other ways to describe my experiences and I'm not so alone as I thought I was. Gotta love this place. :)
 
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