Buffers, Programs and "the Predator's Mind"

[Drazen]

"I realized that most of them come from self defense mechanisms which might very well include disassociation as a response for childhood and adolescence trauma. I noticed that the most common of this mechanisms are things like "being kind to everyone", "satisfying everyones needs", "not being able to put out the limits", "avoid confrontation", but, at the same time I have this other behavior which is 'agressive' and spits out everything at once. It is like playing "hide now and spit later" by saying "everything is OK" and then throwing some poisonous comments or things like that. I have to say that this is not happening as much as it did before, because it has been a while since I observed it and managed to control it in some way, yet, it is just now that I fully (maybe not) understand how all this has been generated inside myself, which gives tools to 'cleanse' all this patterns of behavior instead of just suppressing them.

When someone is being negative toward me, I tend to control my negative emotions that arise and remember myself and see that other person and his beliefs for what they are - machine running programs fully controlled by the Matrix system. But, the problem is that after, I try to describe negative behavior of one person who was negative toward me (at my work for example) to the other who is essentially not capable of understanding and I'm wasting my energy even if I knew actually that what I was saying was not going to resonate or be understood by this person. I was thinking about it and I see that my emotions were not acknowledged fully and they came to the surface affecting me negatively. It shows me also my defensive reaction for being hurt emotionally obviously.

In fact, this is why I never participated to much in the forum... I am always scared of saying something wrong, stupid, ridiculous, completely out of place, etc. So, I'm making the effort of stepping out that fear and share more with you. And this new 'ability' comes because, after observing myself and understanding all this, I realized that I am just what I am and I have to accept who I am and that I am valuable for that, just for being who I am. I feel as if I finally recognized myself just as I am, and I can always heal what still has to be healed, learn and transform myself. (Yet I still have doubts about posting right now as an example... )"

Exactly Acid Yazz. This is something I observe in myself also and I struggle to overcome this. I've been reading mostly and when I try to write something some thoughts of self-doubt arise and block me with excuse that it's been already written by others and it would be stupid or unnecessary to repeat it. What a self importance in action. How would I learn if not through interaction or potential mirror process. I definitely feel differently (positively) when I write and share my thoughts with others like now. :)

 

[Yas]

When someone is being negative toward me, I tend to control my negative emotions that arise and remember myself and see that other person and his beliefs for what they are - machine running programs fully controlled by the Matrix system. But, the problem is that after, I try to describe negative behavior of one person who was negative toward me (at my work for example) to the other who is essentially not capable of understanding and I'm wasting my energy even if I knew actually that what I was saying was not going to resonate or be understood by this person. I was thinking about it and I see that my emotions were not acknowledged fully and they came to the surface affecting me negatively. It shows me also my defensive reaction for being hurt emotionally obviously.

Yes I think it is a waste of energy to try to 'explain' when, obviously, you and the other person are having a world-view that is completely different. And it is also not having enough external considering. I guess.
It also happens to me... And I think that when you start working on the Self, observing and transforming you start seeing things so differently as a lot of people have written here. And for some people it will jut not be possible to understand what you are saying and trying so hard to explain. So I guess that we just have to accept that and keep working on ourselves while understanding that the others won't be in the same path as we are.

In fact, this is why I never participated to much in the forum... I am always scared of saying something wrong, stupid, ridiculous, completely out of place, etc. So, I'm making the effort of stepping out that fear and share more with you. And this new 'ability' comes because, after observing myself and understanding all this, I realized that I am just what I am and I have to accept who I am and that I am valuable for that, just for being who I am. I feel as if I finally recognized myself just as I am, and I can always heal what still has to be healed, learn and transform myself. (Yet I still have doubts about posting right now as an example... )"

Exactly Acid Yazz. This is something I observe in myself also and I struggle to overcome this. I've been reading mostly and when I try to write something some thoughts of self-doubt arise and block me with excuse that it's been already written by others and it would be stupid or unnecessary to repeat it. What a self importance in action. How would I learn if not through interaction or potential mirror process. I definitely feel differently (positively) when I write and share my thoughts with others like now. :)

"How would I learn if not through interaction or potential mirror process."

Indeed!

And this relates to what have been said before.

I guess it is within the process to accept that we will not find a lot of people out there with whom we can share the deeper aspects of The Work, but then we will find a place, a group of people with whom we can do it. This is the place to do it, and maybe here we'll find friends with whom we can share all this and who can mirror us and, maybe, we can mirror them as well. People with whom we can Work together, learn and grow.

Mouravieff talks about this (OSIT). I'll try to find the fragment I've read and post it here.

Best regards :)

 

[Yas]

Mouravieff talks about this (OSIT). I'll try to find the fragment I've read and post it here.

Sorry, it wasn't Mouravieff, though I guess he also talks about this.
It was here: http://veilofreality.com/2011/04/18/organic-portals-soulless-humans/

[The conflict described in alchemical texts, the tests of the Knight on the Quest for the Grail.]

But the inner conflicts of adamic man, who often enters esoteric work because he has reached the last extremity of moral bankruptcy, cannot be resolved by compromise, as there is no place for this kind of solution in the consciousness of the real ‘I’ from which he receives his calls. In him, it is the ensemble formed by the entire Personality, with the ‘I’ of the body, an ensemble which, directly or indirectly, is often made to act by the sexual centre, which flees from the voice of conscience, i.e. of the real ‘I’. He then has a choice, either to obey his real ‘I’ and triumph over himself, or to flee from this invisible Combat into self-calming and powerful illusions offered by a life of lying to himself.

In every case, if he triumphs over himself, which is what will enable the adamic man to resolve the inner conflict of the moment, this will inevitably involve a modification of his attitude towards outer life. Generally, the result will be conflict with those closest to him, unless the latter follow him step by step in his esoteric evolution, which is rare.

This does not mean that those who are near and dear to him wish him any ill; on the contrary, it is nearly always his good that they have in view: the conflict arises simply from their different conceptions of what is real. If those who surround the individual in question are pre-adamic, they could never agree with him, being incapable of understanding the reasons for his change of attitude and unable to grasp the nature of the end he pursues. They will automatically become the instruments of the General Law, which makes sure that those who step out of line are brought back into the fold. This is how ‘a man’s foes shall be of his household.’

Now, I don't want to be noisy in this post, so forgive me if I'm being.

OPs are another must read topic and here is a thread on it: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,457.0.html

 

[Drazen]

No noisy at all ;) I already read some time ago OP subjects here in the forum and at veilofreality and yes it is important to understand external consideration and our relation to other humans, be it OPs or souled ones since we can't know for sure which is which. When we have knowledge and experience with dealing with others who are not awaken( by their choice), step by step we attain understanding which is related to ability to further utilize knowledge. When we have unresolved and unknown (emotional) issues from past those must be dealt with to be able to fully understand ourselves and how to proceed with dealing with others who also have theirs. Empathy is related to it also.

One friend of mine recently bought me a book that I started reading (Daniel Goleman's "Emotional Intelligence") that goes into research of brain and how emotional process develops in parts of our brain and it's interesting to see mechanisms of how most humans are unable to cope with reality, challenges.

We here, have many tools to cope with challenges and by learning and experience to rise in awareness. Step by step. :)

 

[Bluefyre]

Acid Yazz, I found many similarities in what you wrote with the programs running me. I also have been reading and having theories about the work for quite some time. This past week at work I paid attention to observing the fear reaction and resulting people pleasing programs. Several times I was able to catch myself and say no to what IT wanted and remain calm with some pipe breaths (thank you Obyvatel for the suggestion in another thread). The amazing thing to me, as Buddy mentioned earlier in the thread about energy, not theory, is that by the end of the work week, I was not drained and feeling like my brain and body were reconstituted vegetable matter. The moments when I observed the habitual fear reaction being triggered, caught myself, and changed the dynamic with attention to breath and objectivity, seemed like such small matters, but with the resulting increase of energy availble each evening and even at week's end has "lit a fire" so to speak to observe and not feed the predator.

I also have been noticing how frequently I express negative emotions, and am seeing how the terror of childhood still runs my machine. I realize one of the programs is that life is out to get me. I actually laughed when I observed an attitude that even gravity was against me. Since Life gives us what we give to it, it's no wonder my life has been as it has been. The programs have given Life mistrust rather than acquiring discernment, frustration and anger rather than observation. My mind often returns to the last lines of the POTS, particularly "True Existence". I ask myself what is True Existence? It brings me back to myself even if I have found no answer yet, but the question feels like a most important one to ask.

Thanks for this thread!

 

[astrozombie]

Laura's original post on this thread should be a mandatory read before registering with this forum.

A+++

I shouldn't be posting on it right now because my head is still spinning from how informative it is.

I don't know if anyone else brought it up later in the thread but Pavlov is known as the father of advertising for the very same studies that Laura is referring to. That is a scary fact to me. He also did some of the exact experiments on children for many years that he did with the dogs. The information is invaluable but is unethical for many, many reasons and wouldn't be allowed to occur today (or so we are supposed to believe).

I will reread this thread again in the morning.

 

[Keyhole]

A massive thank you to everyone who contributed to this mixture of extremely useful threads, it has given me valuable insight into aspects of the Work that I previously could not understand. I have found that the ISOTM/Gnosis terminology is quite ambiguous and almost in the realm of fantasy for the reader who is unable to translate these terms into practical, modern day scientific/psychological language. I honestly feel as if I have learnt more about buffers and the concept of the" centres" from reading this thread than I did from reading any of the recommended books on the Work. Especially after reading Laura's first post, I can say that things are beginning to become slightly clearer.

The discussion regarding the sleeping emotional centre really struck a note in me. From reading what others have said on this topic and the observations they have shared, I have come to the realisation that my idea of "observing" my emotions is really just the state of using my intellect to explain something that it does not understand. I am not yet at the stage where I can allow myself to simply FEEL. However, I have recently managed to "catch" myself on an occasion and managed observe a sensation which was admittedly difficult to localise although seemed to originate in the general area of my chest. This was in a typical situation which usually would tend to evoke in me a feeling of aggravation or annoyance (over something quite trivial within the kitchen). This time however, I used all of my energy to focus my attention on FEELING the sensation and NOT what I was thinking about the given situation. To my astonishment, the very act of observing this sensation allowed me to keep some level of control over my reactions and in that moment I was not slave to these automatic processes. This didn't provide me with any insight into where the issue originates from, but I figured its a start :D! To put this into writing makes it sound so simple, but actually putting "feeling" into practice appears to be almost impossible from where I currently am at. These childhood-trauma-induced neural pathways are so deeply "set in their tracks". My immediate reaction to any sensation or feeling is usually: to attempt to name and define it, attempt to place it into a logical context and make sense of it using my intellect and to come up with some "rational" conclusion which is essentially just another narrative. It is uncomfortable, unknown territory when venturing into the realm of the feelings, therefore I have found that I am hesitant to "go with" the sensation, rather than to simply return to the usual mental chatter.

Another thing I have recently come to realise through my own experiences and I think that I can appreciate more deeply now is that every single second of each day is an opportunity to observe the self, and each day provides one with an unlimited amount of material to Work with but only if they choose to do so. Even the most mundane tasks offer an abundance of information regarding the self and the opportunity is always there to Work. This is something that I have previously read, but it never "sunk in" so to speak.

 

[luc]

A massive thank you to everyone who contributed to this mixture of extremely useful threads, it has given me valuable insight into aspects of the Work that I previously could not understand. I have found that the ISOTM/Gnosis terminology is quite ambiguous and almost in the realm of fantasy for the reader who is unable to translate these terms into practical, modern day scientific/psychological language. I honestly feel as if I have learnt more about buffers and the concept of the" centres" from reading this thread than I did from reading any of the recommended books on the Work. Especially after reading Laura's first post, I can say that things are beginning to become slightly clearer.

The discussion regarding the sleeping emotional centre really struck a note in me. From reading what others have said on this topic and the observations they have shared, I have come to the realisation that my idea of "observing" my emotions is really just the state of using my intellect to explain something that it does not understand. I am not yet at the stage where I can allow myself to simply FEEL. However, I have recently managed to "catch" myself on an occasion and managed observe a sensation which was admittedly difficult to localise although seemed to originate in the general area of my chest. This was in a typical situation which usually would tend to evoke in me a feeling of aggravation or annoyance (over something quite trivial within the kitchen). This time however, I used all of my energy to focus my attention on FEELING the sensation and NOT what I was thinking about the given situation. To my astonishment, the very act of observing this sensation allowed me to keep some level of control over my reactions and in that moment I was not slave to these automatic processes. This didn't provide me with any insight into where the issue originates from, but I figured its a start :D! To put this into writing makes it sound so simple, but actually putting "feeling" into practice appears to be almost impossible from where I currently am at. These childhood-trauma-induced neural pathways are so deeply "set in their tracks". My immediate reaction to any sensation or feeling is usually: to attempt to name and define it, attempt to place it into a logical context and make sense of it using my intellect and to come up with some "rational" conclusion which is essentially just another narrative. It is uncomfortable, unknown territory when venturing into the realm of the feelings, therefore I have found that I am hesitant to "go with" the sensation, rather than to simply return to the usual mental chatter.

Another thing I have recently come to realise through my own experiences and I think that I can appreciate more deeply now is that every single second of each day is an opportunity to observe the self, and each day provides one with an unlimited amount of material to Work with but only if they choose to do so. Even the most mundane tasks offer an abundance of information regarding the self and the opportunity is always there to Work. This is something that I have previously read, but it never "sunk in" so to speak.

Thank you Keyhole for sharing your experiences - what you describe hits the nail on the head from my experience as well. I think I'm an intellectual type / "man 3" as well, and getting in touch with my feeling was and continues to be a struggle. When I manage to observe myself, it's really interesting with how much rubbish my mind comes up to explain/rationalize a feeling, and it sounds oh so valid! Except that, it's utter rubbish, and evil, filthy, selfish rubbish at that. It really helps me though to allow myself to just feel the emotion, allow it to fill every fiber, starting for example from the chest area, expanding to the whole body, and try to not be ashamed/not judge/not interpret. Sometimes, this leads to "acting out" in order to dispense the energy, i.e. boxing a pillow/shadow boxing or screaming/barking in an exaggerated way that transforms into a parody of an emotional outburst.

By allowing ourselves to truly feel the emotion in our body, I think we can become familiar with the "taste" of the emotion and eventually start recognizing it when it comes up. I found it startling for example to realize that exactly the same emotion can come up in totally different circumstances creating totally different narratives - without the exercise of truly feeling, it would have been impossible for me to even make the slightest connection! It's also startling that just when I thought I figured something out, I find myself in a situation where I get totally overwhelmed by an emotion that I thought I knew how to handle and act it out unconsciously in the stupidest way, only later realizing as if waking up from a dream... And in still other situations I know exactly what's going on, but I just can't stop the narratives popping up, can't stop acting foolish, triggered by ridiculous everyday stuff... I truly don't expect to win the final battle against the predator in this lifetime.

 

[ARC]

"This is an important clue to dealing with manipulation. If you know your own machine, if you have worked through your own stuff, and are certain of your own feelings in a given situation, you can pay close attention to shifts in your own state that are induced by the manipulative person and understand that what you are being manipulated to feel is what the manipulator is denying in themselves and cannot accept. This can give you data about their internal world."

Nicely worded - it heightens my understanding of manipulators (and I've read Martha Stout's book). I also never quite grasped an understanding of the concept of "projection", but after reading this I totally get it.

ARC

 

[Breo]

"I realized that most of them come from self defense mechanisms which might very well include disassociation as a response for childhood and adolescence trauma. I noticed that the most common of this mechanisms are things like "being kind to everyone", "satisfying everyones needs", "not being able to put out the limits", "avoid confrontation", but, at the same time I have this other behavior which is 'agressive' and spits out everything at once. It is like playing "hide now and spit later" by saying "everything is OK" and then throwing some poisonous comments or things like that. I have to say that this is not happening as much as it did before, because it has been a while since I observed it and managed to control it in some way, yet, it is just now that I fully (maybe not) understand how all this has been generated inside myself, which gives tools to 'cleanse' all this patterns of behavior instead of just suppressing them.

When someone is being negative toward me, I tend to control my negative emotions that arise and remember myself and see that other person and his beliefs for what they are - machine running programs fully controlled by the Matrix system. But, the problem is that after, I try to describe negative behavior of one person who was negative toward me (at my work for example) to the other who is essentially not capable of understanding and I'm wasting my energy even if I knew actually that what I was saying was not going to resonate or be understood by this person. I was thinking about it and I see that my emotions were not acknowledged fully and they came to the surface affecting me negatively. It shows me also my defensive reaction for being hurt emotionally obviously.

This thread is so teaching for me and I start to realize how much childhood terror has driven my life and stayed unobserved. And then reacting similar to the quote above. I stayed reasonable and then spit later. Like that I have done my share in hurting others without being able to control it. I always knew the "spitting" is wrong and hurting others but I was helpless about it. And then I tried to "describe my negative behavior to others who are essentially not capable of understanding and I'm wasting my energy". I lost so much time in my life doing that, professionally and privately.

I had now a chance observing myself in this pattern while meeting an aqaintance who should be responsible of a task and was not. First I thought "OMG not again, so much work left for me..." Then I noticed a wave of frustration and behind my childhood terror of being helpless. My automate reaction would have been or to stay calm and resonable but feel drained and frustrated inside, poisoning the relationship. Or to spit some remarks and feel drained, poisoning the relationship.

Having this thread in mind, I started to observe and breath into my negative emotions whom I could identify that clearly for the first time and allow them to be without thought or reaction. I did not feel the usual drain. I still felt the constant temptation to react in the old way. While doing this I had the impression that the other person was also more relaxed The meeting ended shortly after and without any bad feelings. I was more quite than usually after such a situation.

A long way to go still, is it in the right direction?

 

[Mr. Premise]

Sounds like the right direction to me, Breo.