Hey all. Well anxiety has had me on a rollercoaster the last few days. Money worries- I found out that the government won’t be helping people who only became recently self employed. Which means I have to live off universal credit alone. This doesn’t cover my bills rent and food. Then worries about my sons 7th birthday next week took over. The pressure of getting presents that might keep him entertained for the next few months. How I need to spend money whilst being aware I don’t know how I will get through next month.. worry of how I will make his day special without him being able to see anyone... So yesterday was an emotional day with more big spikes of anxiety.
I went to bed doing my best to think positive thoughts. To have Faith that somehow we will be just fine. I woke up anxious but determined to only dwell on the positive. Then my son told me he felt unwell. Said he’d coughed all night and felt sick and tired. Immediately internal dread kicked in. He’s got it. So I will get it. And I’m worried about my health- i am worried I may have diabetes which is high vulnerability with CV. I should add that I was concerned about this before CV became a big thing.
So scenarios and questions started flying through my head. Overwhelming feelings of impending doom.
If we were both sick, how would I cope?
If I died, who would my son live with? How would he cope? If I died and he was sick, who would be allowed to look after him? All 3 of my families households have vulnerable people in them. Even his dad, although not diagnosed with anything, isn’t healthy. He has terrible breathing after years of heavy smoking. Who would he go to? Would he blame himself if he gave it to me?
So many horrible heart wrenching thoughts.
Then I realised, if today was to be one of the final days I have with my son, I was not going to be consumed by sadness and fear. I would put that which I can not change aside and make the most of every minute we have with each other. I have had a mind less clouded by anxiety and so have managed to stop putting pressure on myself to achieve perfection (which to me only just scrapes by as good enough) and just order things I think he will like and do a little brain storming for things we can do.
So by doing that we have had a lovely, uneventful but homely lovely day together. He has also shown no signs of being unwell to me all day. Perhaps it was just the physical affects of feeling unsettled in himself.
I do not have control over the future. I can only do my best with the now and appreciate everything I have.
Sending love to all. Be safe and well xxxxx