Cupid's Poisoned Arrow

Altair

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seeker2seer said:
Thank you Altair for sharing those portions of the book. They were very helpful for me to understand my "machine" and this subject; I wish I had known this information years ago. I came across this thread from a link in the thread on The Human Sex Drive. I plan to read the entire book.

Also thank you PhoenixToEmber for sharing your story which I can relate to in many ways being in a long term gay relationship and now marriage. I hope the book helped you too.

You are welcome. You may want to look into this thread for related discussion: Porn Addiction Problems/Solutions
 

SMM

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Thought this might be of some relevance: Book review by Luke 'GoldJacketLuke' Eilers, a YouTuber & aspiring life coach:

_https://youtu.be/W-2fy0Cgeig
 

Turgon

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This podcast definitely piqued my interest. It's an interview with Marnia Robinson and a colleague of hers who both practice Karezza and pair-bonding and I found a lot of correlation between what they were saying and the later character/couple development in the romance novels, especially the ones where you see a return of the characters later on down the series to see how things have progressed between them. I'm thinking mainly of Mary Balogh's Horsemen Trilogy and Survivors Club as they are the only ones I've read so far. Still waiting to get to the super steamy ones by the other authors.

For one, both of them are in stable and long term relationships that paraphrasing what they said, continues to get better with time as they discover more about one another. That they can talk to and disagree with one another without getting angry or upset with the other person, that they trust each other being so intimate with one another at such a subtle, energetic level and staying away from goal-oriented sex and spending a lot of time soothing each other sexually and in other ways and through looking into each others eyes and laughter that causes them to grow closer and gives them a newfound appreciation for each other and the opposite sex in general.

Interestingly enough, both couples ended up working closely together in their respective fields/co-linearity and even though they are around each other 24/7, all the above still stands true. Pretty amazing, eh? And way different then the subtle, passive aggressive, caustic back and forth I sometimes see from couples and people in general nowadays which they assert is caused from orgasm itself, at least in their experience. So they are searching for that fine balance between sexuality and intimacy that isn't addictive but helps heals each others wounds and their take isn't so much it has to do with childhood but navigating the very sensitive and skewed limbic brain and by giving it all the signals that it needs to promote trust, healing and bonding and in effect changing the nature of the relationship and in many ways the people themselves allowing the best of each to come forth.

Even though they are really discussing things from a physical standpoint in terms of neurology and brain chemistry, the effects stand for themselves based on their own experience. At least those are my thoughts on it. ;-)

 
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This was a wonderful thread, thank you. I would like to share my own personal experience that really clicks with all this information here.
When I met my ex, sex was never "goal oriented" for me but rather a wonderful chance to bond with her because it was something I had never experienced before. I've rarely had so much as a friend, never mind a lover. In fact, I would tell her at times: let's just cuddle instead, or watch a movie, or just spend time together. It lasted for about 6 months but then I caught her being flirty with her ex and lying to me about it. I confronted her then she apologized and she said wanted to change. Then it happened again and she lied again.

I remember the realization I reached that this relationship was not going to work and I'm ashamed to admit I did not end it there like I should have. I chose to ignore it because I didn't want to be alone again. After that decision, sex certainly became goal oriented and much more frequent. It got to the point where we slept together every time we saw each other, which was nearly everyday. Sure enough, the relationship tanked from there. We both became very irritable and would fight every two weeks at a minimum, break up, get back together and repeat the same mistakes. In the end, she was telling me: let's just cuddle or watch a movie instead.

Honestly, looking back I understood what I was doing. My twisted excuse was that if I kept her satisfied, she won't feel the need to flirt with anyone else. But in reality, I was just ignoring the problem and covering it up with dopamine. And this excuse ultimately accelerated the end of our relationship regardless. It does fill me with shame to look back and see how much I changed and what I did to her to escape my own fear. Essentially, I used her and it's a terrible feeling. If I would have ended it, I might still have a friend today. But, there is a lesson to be learned from everything, and our time together taught me the importance of understanding the body and mind so I can assure I don't hurt people again. This will be another book on my list, if only I would have discovered it sooner! Thank you.
 
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