Currently in Distress

[Maya]

Hey Evan, I've read everything you wrote and I'm just speachless.
I'm so sorry you have it so tough.
Just wanted to send you a big hug across the world.
I wish you the best possible outcome for you and strenght and gentleness for youself in whataver comes.
You are loved and appreciated !

I'm trying to articulate for at least a month how am I feeling here, but words do not come.
With so much pain in the world right now I'm in between overwhelmed and numb all the time.
Perimenopausal hormone rollercoaster also do not help. Most days I don't see any reason to be here on 3D anymore.
It's like if I vanish this right moment nobody would even notice.
Maybe only at home when they would eventually run out of loundry and starve to death ?
So, I understand....

Take care guys, all of you

I just realised this is Evans thread, not 'How are you feeling?' So I apologise for the 'me' part.
But the message remains the same. I'll think and pray for you E !

 

[Nienna]

Yes @T.C. that’s about the size of it. I feel like I’ve smashed my life, and therefore my soul trip to 5D might not be the “review” and “degauss” we all expect, but straight to the shredder, so to say. I do feel like I’ve spent my life as a peacemaker, always being the voice of reason when friends were having troubles. Always the designated shoulder to cry on. All of my school teachers said I should have been a lawyer. I decided to be a musician. And so, as an example of faking it till making it, I partied like a rock star, and in the process have all but killed my body and countless brain cells. I did more acid than Garcia. Many long journeys in the desert. I even lived in a Coptic Monastery for a time, and seriously considered the way of the monk. I ended up right back at home, leading an even better band, packing clubs and trading my earnings for my bar tab. Then who should show up at a local gig, on my birthday no less, than the girl with the big green eyes who hung out in my family’s pizza place at the beach? You guessed it, Wendy. That was the beginning of the third chapter of my life. I’m on the cusp of the fourth, and here’s what’s become my thread, playing out in the eyes and thoughts of the community that I call my other home. So that’s the “short” version.

I can see no reason at all why you will have your soul smashed. None whatsoever.

From what you have written in the quoted post above, as well as all of your other posts, what I see is someone who has done some not-so-good things, but came to realize it (quite the lesson that you learned) and you have been kind, caring and generous to those around you and those you have just met. I think you do not need to worry at all about soul-smashing.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. There is no need. Just continue doing the best that you can.

 

[Carl]

I just want everyone to know that, with the promise of staying off the pain meds, Wendy’s been being loving again. This has been a harrowing experience, yet with the support of you here, I feel like there’s a shot at landing on my feet. I cannot express my gratitude for the people of this community. You really have had my back. In this life and whatever follows you are part of who and what I am. I can only offer you the same.

That's good news, I hope you can now follow through with this and find a way. The Universe can be a harsh teacher, but it also often gives us second, third, even hundredth chances to learn a lesson. Being in your state now will certainly give you an opening to learn. However, countless others have been in your position and still learned nothing, taking their old ways to the grave. Even then it doesn't mean soul smashing - this life is not easy at all, God knows that! In the end it comes down to free will, although sometimes it can feel like you have none.

Thanks for sharing your story, I wish you the best.

 

[Scottie]

From what you have written in the quoted post above, as well as all of your other posts, what I see is someone who has done some not-so-good things, but came to realize it (quite the lesson that you learned) and you have been kind, caring and generous to those around you and those you have just met. I think you do not need to worry at all about soul-smashing.

I imagine that someone about to be "soul-smashed" would have very little awareness of their current situation and their impending 'break'.

The C's talked about soul-smashing, but they also said "nobody is a nobody" and "learn to think in unlimited terms".

Plus, when it comes to "souls", reread everything the C's said about them, OPs, psychos, etc.

When you really think about it, we understand very little about what a "soul" even is. We're a bit like dogs attempting to understand the function of an alternator in a car engine. They don't even fully understand what a car really is - much less the functioning of the engine or one particular part of that engine.

Just do the best you can with what you're given, and love à la Paul. And have faith. If any of us were THAT perfect, we wouldn't need to be here anymore!

 

[meadow_wind]

I just realised this is Evans thread, not 'How are you feeling?' So I apologise for the 'me' part.

No worries: it was indeed in the thread "How are you feeling" previously, but as per Evan's request, his conversation has been moved to a new thread by the mods 6 messages after you wrote

 

[nortkee]

I just wanted to throw a hug out there into the wind for you to catch, @Evan -- I am fairly new to the forum and I can't keep up with every single thread as much as a lot of the folks around here, but I happened to come across this one and I feel compelled to let you know I find it admirable how you approach your reality with such grace, humility, and humor.

I'm pulling for you over here in Appalachia. I hope you get some relief and comfort, and that Wendy continues to be as loving as your recent post mentions. I've been in her shoes before: the lover whose partner's pain was more than I could bear at some points. I realized somewhere along the way (thanks, in large part, to this community here) that I was playing my own part in his pain, and after looking inward, accepting this, taking accountability, and adjusting my behavior, I was able to view everything from a new, more empathetic perspective and now we are both in a place of peace that I don't think we would have reached before.

I hope she is able to do the same. I hope you continue to speak to her honestly about your experiences and your fears, and that she is able to step outside her ego and listen with her heart. She is likely in need of healing, just as you are, and I will pray that this comes your way.

 

[Chu]

I absolutely agree with others regarding soul-smashing. Everything counts, and from where I sit, you're not doing bad at all! It is not up to us judge anyway, I think. We will each know when our time comes. We can only do our best, and let the Universe do the math later.

You have probably already seen this, but I took the liberty of looking up what Louise Hay had to say about the liver:

"Liver: Seat of anger and primitive emotions. Chronic complaining. Justifying fault-finding to deceive yourself. Feeling bad."

Given how you described the way you are with people (a peacemaker, etc.), one would assume all the contrary. But perhaps there is something you could explore along those lines? Maybe your outward attitude is in conflict with feelings buried deeper inside? And maybe, you are also struggling with anger directed at the self, for your past (substances, lifestyle, etc.)?

I don't mean to psychoanalyze you here. There are many causes to diseases, and "all there is, is lessons". But just in case it helps you discover something! For example, the cause may be entirely physical, but perhaps exploring what led you to certain life choices which led to the life-style you had, may provide you with some resolution (assuming you haven't done that already, FWIW!)

Hang in there, Evan. And I really hope that things continue to improve with Wendy!

 

[Alana]

Evan, just remember that one of the most beloved (by humans & God) characters of the New Testament is the Prodical Son

 

[Evan]

So many beautiful things said since I went to sleep last night. So many people showing their support with hugs and wisdom.
@Chu , I think I can fairly easily break down the steps: I was an unpopular child. The other children didn’t get me. They basically avoided me like a leper through grade school, though all my teachers loved me and were always saying I was gifted.
In Junior High (7-8), I had discovered the guitar and barely attended school at all. I did make one critical friend over the summer between Junior and Senior High. He loved much of same music as me, and we became inseparable for awhile (till he met his girl). But high school, that’s where everything changed. Between having my buddy Arnie at my side and my guitar on my shoulder, I was suddenly in the center of the circle. All the kids who were into Zeppelin, Floyd, Sabbath, Skynyrd, Aerosmith, gathered around. Suddenly it was like I was thrown into the cast of Dazed and Confused. So with that came smoking (weed and tobacco), drinking, various other things, as well as small group journeys to the mountains and desert to take acid. Not to mention the backyard keg parties, where my little band made us kings of the school. Anyway this continued until I was of legal age to play in bars, and that just meant bigger crowds, more money, and all the free liquid courage I needed. Then it was also on off days. Then every day. Eventually I needed a couple of tall cans of very strong ale just to get out the door. Then, in 2010, I went down with pancreatitis and liver failure. Doc gave me five years. I’m on fifteen.

 

[Chu]

Then, in 2010, I went down with pancreatitis and liver failure. Doc gave me five years. I’m on fifteen.

Thanks for sharing! And I'm assuming that since then, you've been on a pretty healthy diet, yes?

Disease is pretty mysterious, if you ask me (definitely NOT a doctor! ). Some people can have horrible lifestyles, and still live to be 90. Others never touched a drop of alcohol in their lives, and get very sick. That tells me that it's not just life experiences, but life lessons and conflicts (well, yes, on top of genetics and such, but we could argue that those are also part of the life plan). If you feel that you understand better, that you apply knowledge, and that you are able to give as much to life and others as you are capable of, then I think you are fine. 15 years instead of 5? You MUST be doing something right, then!