Cutting the thread

[naorma]

what is tiresome as well is this: please, understand that english is my second language, IT TAKES ME LOTS OF ENERGY TO EXPRESS MYSELF SUCCINTLY, AND IT DOESN'T ALWAYS SOUND THE WAY I INTENDED, NOT THAT THAT IT COMES OUT TOTALLY DIFFERENT OR WRONG -BUT AN EMPHASIS I FAIL TO ARTICULATE MAKES ME STAY UP AND PONDER GRAMATICAL ISSUES AT HAND, i wish i was able to express myself with less struggle, yes, i struggle with gramatics, and the dictionaries are so heavy

Have you ever tried one of the translations programs? deepl.com for instance? I use it from time to time in both ways. If I am not quite sure if my understanding of an english text is correct, it is helpful. And very often I use it to write my thoughts in my mother tongue and then translate it with deepl.com . .

 

[herondancer]

Hi @Penderecki,

It sounds like you've come to the Cass material only recently and are overwhelmed, which can lead to trying to find reasons to push it away. It happens. Just take things slowly. Read what appeals to you. If that's the Paleochristian material, great. You may find your curiosity growing which will lead you naturally into other topics. And remember, as has been said, there is also a wealth of very practical material here, on diet, health, psychological topics etc. The search bar is your friend!

Have you ever tried one of the translations programs? deepl.com for instance?

I was also going to suggest this. Write your posts in your native language where you can express yourself precisely, then run it through deepl.com. and post it below your native post.

Some folks post the translation first, then put their native language post in a 'spoiler' box. Also, feel free to ask about any slang or idioms you don't understand. You'll be amazed at how fast your English will improve.

 

[spirtrav3n]

@Penderecki,

I recently joined the community after diving headfirst into SHOTW which then led me to acquiring Waves and joining the forum.
I haven’t personally seen any of the negative things that you have mentioned myself in regards to Laura.
I do not think I can offer much in comparison to many of the other members here, but what I have encountered so far seems to be a genuine community of voluntary people and Laura and her team as well as a lot of the admins look like they have put in a great deal of time and effort into the work presented and maintained here.
I think it is health to approach everything with an open mind and healthy skepticism and do your research to see why the author has drawn the conclusion as to portray it in their work, whether it is a forum post, a video, or a book.
I look forward to seeing you more!

 

[Z...]

I wouldn't wish to "dissapoint" any of you, especially since I was convinced my stay on this forum would take awhile, but it seems my membership on this forum has really run its course this time.
Only very recently did I find out some things about the Cassiopaean project that don't agree with me.
Even aside from any other differences we may have, my main issue has to do with ethics.
I vaguely knew about Laura Knight Jadzick living in a mansion in Europe, but I had no idea she asked the members of the forum to contribute and support the purchase of said castle with donations.
I also wasn't aware of the fact she put up her ouija board, cut up in smaller pieces, for sale, selling them to the highest bidders.
Perhaps I could somehow ignore the cultish aspect if it wasn't for the fact that we have, I think, different notions about the Work.
The C. project is about "sociology", if I simplify this somewhat, while I am more interested in building a relationship with God.
That being said, I have no problems calling God with the name of Jesus Christ, but identifying Him with Julius Cezar that I find problematic.
Until I figure out how to disable my profile, if any of you would like to share some final words that would be fine with me.
I wish you well on your journey, especially the ones who have been so kind as to corresponded with me, I won't forget your generosity, may you be repaid tenfold for your efforts.

Hi Penderecki, here is my few cents FWIW.

I have been around this forum since 2006. Later I joined the fellowship.
Not once during all this time anyone has asked me or even implied that I should donate any sort of funds. My membership was never conditioned with any sort of donations, I only had to pay nominal administration fee which would be the case with any organization. I fact I am not really 100% sure about this because it was a long time ago.

If Laura indeed cut her board ( first time I hear of this and it sounds incredibly silly) and sold the pieces I see nothing wrong with it. It is her property and she can do whatever she likes with it. In fact I would commend her for being resourceful with the ways to make an income.

The mansion you are talking about was an old house that was practically falling apart. I have seen it with my own eyes first time 13 years ago. I am not at liberty to share more private information but rest assured that this was nothing of the sort as it is being implied here.

By the end of the day not just Laura but all the members of live in community work hard many hours a day. I kind of get annoyed when people just take for granted all the information they receive through Cassiopeia community not even stopping to think that people who provide it have to live on something. And all of them live modestly with great sacrifices. At least that is what I witnessed.
This forum and community at large has been my mental and physical therapist, my life coach, my spiritual refuge, constant source of new knowledge and my mentor, in short my inspiration to become a better human being. Can you really put a price on that? Yet I repeat all of this was given unconditionally and totally free.

Let us briefly examine the "cultish aspect" - if you study almost all cults modus operandi you realize the most fundamental principle is keeping the members under control with any means available and exploiting them financially or in any other way. Once you get in in such organization it is hard or almost impossible to get out, there is usually intimidation and harassment.
Many times I had disagreement with this community, and I left for periods of time. Nobody ever contacted me or asked me to come back. The door was wide open all the time - both to leave or to come back once I worked on my machine and predator's mind.
Something to think about.

 

[forest_light]

Penderecki I truly feel for you in terms of your overwhelm, how exhausted and drained you clearly are. I can certainly empathise with you about that, I know what that is like and at times I still struggle with that myself. I remember how phenomenally messed up I was when I found this forum and how hard it was for me to read (I couldn't see properly), keep my mental focus, research multiple subjects and fully comprehend the information offered. Plenty of it I still can't comprehend when it comes to some subjects, ie: Quantum Physics my comprehension is extremely limited, sometimes when I am reading something trying to comprehend it, I think I may as well be brain dead! When I found this forum, I was also generally quite overwhelmed by its vast depths, it felt like going down a rabbit hole every thread I opened. Not all the concepts or discussions were unfamiliar to me thank heavens, but it was still a massive initiation and I will never forget how that felt and how exhausted I was trying to 'keep it together', stay focused and wrap my brain around the big picture - and function and keep my day to day life together. I was definitely in survival mode and it was damn hard work.

I feel to gently remind you that it is not important to focus on 'likes' on this forum. It is important to focus on becoming as calm, grounded and objective as possible, consistently gathering knowledge, keeping notes of books read, bookmarking threads, noting sessions you explore, quotes from them (because good luck finding them later!), following up on things that inspire you to want to know more. Also, measuring the information offered against your own experiences and knowledge base - but also tempering this with a willingness to acknowledge that our 'perceived awareness' can become 'tainted' by our own experiences and by false knowledge gathered over the course of our lifetime. What we 'believe' to be true needs to be examined objectively. What we don't know far outweighs what we do know, but we can at least give it our all to STRIVE to see things without the heavy layers of lies and illusion, to do all we can to reach beyond the veil - if only for a moment.

The C's say that 'no knowledge is better than false knowledge'. Over time, likely everyone who finds themselves here - who is genuinely committed to exploring and investigating the pathways offered - comes to fully realise the depth and power of this 'simple' statement and may often laugh (or wince and cringe!) recognising the many times we personally have been duped, hoodwinked, deluded into 'believing' something or being quite certain something was the 'truth'... just because we had grown up 'knowing' that or others had said it all our lives 'so it must be true'. On this journey, many sacred cows are left by the wayside most content to remain in their fertile fields - as we journey onward our energies refreshed. "When energy is no longer needed to support illusion it is available for knowledge and awareness" say the C's.

You will need time and space to explore this forum and decide for yourself how you feel about the material and information offered here. Nobody is claiming to have 'all the answers'... we are all travelling together as a collective but are also each at our own 'level' of growth and awareness. Not everything that you read in the sessions is 100% 'accurate' as the sessions have at times been influenced by the 'beliefs' or 'projections' held by those at the board at the time of each session. The less 'beliefs', preconceived ideas, programming and 'projection' the more accurate and clear the information. Over the years, those at the board have also asked the same questions over and over in different ways, (I assume) to see if they align with other things that have been shared in past sessions (at times likely 'testing' the C's), but perhaps also to 'restructure' or 'refine' the question asked in connection to their line of thinking, or to approach it from a different viewpoint. Laura et al don't blindly accept what they are told, there is a great deal of critical thinking and objective analysis connected to these interactions, which no doubt you will eventually discover in your explorations.

You were on my mind this morning before my prayers. I was reflecting on some of the messages you posted in this thread and some in response to yours. I was thinking about what this feels like for you, arriving here already in overwhelm, with many questions and a curious mind; but also I was reflecting about how we each carry the weight of our own trauma and 'distortions' in terms of what we believe is 'real' or 'true' ... and how hard it can be to truly do your best to step well back from all that, observe and ask questions we might never even considered asking before; I was thinking about how confronting that can be for many souls.

So, when I went online later, it was heartening to see your posts affirming that you are choosing to continue researching here. That feels to me to be the best thing you can do right now while you mull things over and maybe dig around on the forum. Explore away... there are lots of folk here genuinely willing to help out, if you need support.

 

[Penderecki]

Hi Penderecki, here is my few cents FWIW.

I have been around this forum since 2006. Later I joined the fellowship.
Not once during all this time anyone has asked me or even implied that I should donate any sort of funds. My membership was never conditioned with any sort of donations, I only had to pay nominal administration fee which would be the case with any organization. I fact I am not really 100% sure about this because it was a long time ago.

If Laura indeed cut her board ( first time I hear of this and it sounds incredibly silly) and sold the pieces I see nothing wrong with it. It is her property and she can do whatever she likes with it. In fact I would commend her for being resourceful with the ways to make an income.

The mansion you are talking about was an old house that was practically falling apart. I have seen it with my own eyes first time 13 years ago. I am not at liberty to share more private information but rest assured that this was nothing of the sort as it is being implied here.

By the end of the day not just Laura but all the members of live in community work hard many hours a day. I kind of get annoyed when people just take for granted all the information they receive through Cassiopeia community not even stopping to think that people who provide it have to live on something. And all of them live modestly with great sacrifices. At least that is what I witnessed.
This forum and community at large has been my mental and physical therapist, my life coach, my spiritual refuge, constant source of new knowledge and my mentor, in short my inspiration to become a better human being. Can you really put a price on that? Yet I repeat all of this was given unconditionally and totally free.

Let us briefly examine the "cultish aspect" - if you study almost all cults modus operandi you realize the most fundamental principle is keeping the members under control with any means available and exploiting them financially or in any other way. Once you get in in such organization it is hard or almost impossible to get out, there is usually intimidation and harassment.
Many times I had disagreement with this community, and I left for periods of time. Nobody ever contacted me or asked me to come back. The door was wide open all the time - both to leave or to come back once I worked on my machine and predator's mind.
Something to think about.

I have exaggerated, I now realize, by using the 'cult' word - and I wish to apologize, sincerely so.
I over-reacted, having read some gossipy articles. Even so, I should have known better, and I hope you can forgive me, mea maxima culpa. It is uncharacteristic of me to jump to conclusions, this is all I can say in my defense, despite the bad feelings I've already caused.
I am not in a good place, mentally and otherwise, at the present, and I suspect it had something to do with the way I reacted. I am warding off suicidal thoughts most of the time, I can't even think straight, sorry.

 

[Mrs. Peel]

If Laura indeed cut her board ( first time I hear of this and it sounds incredibly silly) and sold the pieces I see nothing wrong with it.

In case you missed this earlier post:

Found it -

Discussed here:
https://cassiopaea.org/forum/threads/fundraiser-with-gifts-question-for-all.26533/

 

[Wandering Star]

Billions of people experience the same thing as you, including me on many occasions.

A good question is where do thoughts, ideas come from?

It is possible that you have seen in a movie, a little angel on one shoulder of the protagonist and a little devil on the other shoulder, both whispering in the ear of the protagonist.

We listen to the two whispers and we have to decide who to listen to.

It is easy?

No.

There is like a very strong countercurrent that must be overcome.

But it can be done.

Maybe not today or tomorrow, but if you set yourself as a goal, little by little the current to overcome will be less strong every day.

Cheer up.

 

[Zzartemis]

I am not in a good place, mentally and otherwise, at the present, and I suspect it had something to do with the way I reacted. I am warding off suicidal thoughts most of the time, I can't even think straight, sorry.

@Penderecki I hear you and see your pain, it is the often decribed Dark Night of the Soul. I've lived it, many have.

From my experience, it did not just appear. The causitive event was there, yes, but it followed a long life which had been seasoned with pain and suffering from many events.

So, when I recieved the news of the drowning of my son, it was an assult that reduced any previous sufferings to nothing like this. You have been seasoned with pain too. Whether the state you are in now was caused by an event or if it is from an accumilation of sorrows, it doesn't matter. What matters is the point you are at and where you go from here.

You said you want to find God, or union with God. Right now, in the lowest of states of being, offers an unparalleled opportunity to walk toward God or Jesus, if you wish, because He has always been there waiting for you.

Perhaps because I had been kneaded by suffering before, at the death of Addam, I was able to say, "Ok God, this is what I have to go through now?" It wasn't a statement of anger or blaming God that brought that thought into my mind; it was a submission where I took up my particular cross and began to walk towards God. At times when it felt like I would fall into a hole of despair, I prayed, and I continue to pray and pray, everyday. I also read books with a more religious flavor because, this is what I have faith in. It is my way and it has lifted me up on silver wings.

You are a religious person. You've spent time in the dark religion of Thelema, I would meditate on this, why you were attracted to it, but that's for a different conversation. And you left it and turned towards Orthodox Christianity; that is why I speak to you the way I am doing here. I'm not sure I am able to convey my internal transformation (s), so I'll give you words from modern teacher/preacher. I believe any here would be able to relate to these writings from Theodore Nottingham, a Christian pastor, who teaches Christianity from a 4th Way understanding:

------------

Spirituality has been desdescribed as the degree to which we are in touch with reality and the dark night is the process of going ever further through those degrees. It is true that many people suffer from despair that leads nowhere and that has no transforming value. Such sorrow leads only to bleakness and an emptiness that is not fertile with the Presence of God. In this case, a person must pray for and find those who can help them turn this grief into new understanding.

The fact is that every human experience can be fuel for wisdom and if there is any message that religions and metaphysics have taught us down through the centuries, it is that there is always cause for hope! Someday we will each be able to say: "Death, where is thy victory?"

Then we will see from a new perspective all the sufferings that caused us such anxiety and hopelessness. The dark night of the soul teaches us to know through unknowing, to see in the darkness, to find meaning in meaninglessness, and union in solitude. It is the mystery of mysteries, the deepest secret of all religions, and the very core of what it means to be human.

To accept our pain, our mortality, and say "yes" to life, opens onto a transcendence that frees us from it all. The dark night refers to the times when it seems that we are down for the count, when nothing can lift us up, when there is no help, no hope, no way out. Yet the mystics of all ages make it very clear that this is precisely when we are asked to hope more than ever. This is precisely when we are being worked with most closely.

We must get beyond our senses and our natural inclinations if we wish to enter the supernatural dimensions of spiritual awareness. Sometimes this requires that all the lights be turned out, that we walk alone in the dark, in the night of uncertainty and confusion. A friend once told me that it was when circumstances had shattered him that he truly encountered the reality of God. In his despair and brokenness, he nevertheless felt himself mysteriously held up by a compassionate force. Having gone to the heart of hopelessness, he found there an inexpressible Presence that came to his aid and kept him going.

Since then, that Presence has made itself known to him in more vivid ways. According to the classic spiritual tradition represented by John of the Cross, "the purifying and loving divine light operates within us as does fire upon wood which transforms the wood into itself." The idea expressed here is that acceptance of spiritual suffering results in a spiritual activity that leads to transforming union with the Source of our being. John of the Cross tells us: "In order to arrive at being everything, desire to be nothing."

These are difficult teachings indeed and demand great strength of character. But so does living rightly on this planet. If we choose to be more than a slave to our every impulse and seek the dignity of being a child of the universe capable of witnessing the wonder of life and of participating in its care-taking, then we need to be grounded in something other than our own desires and satisfactions.

This is where the dark night can be useful to us: it can create new foundations made out of patience, perseverance, and a faith in the ultimate goodness of the universe which nothing will be able to destroy. Certainly it means sacrifice and acceptance of pain and insecurity. But this is what creates a spiritual being who can care for the unlovely and put up with the twists and turns of existence until the time when it enters into an even greater darkness which, some say, turns out to be the most wondrous light of all.

 

[hobnob]

i find myself at a point where i can't see any benefit from digital forums, it is too limiting, i have little energy left and don't wish to use it all up "counting likes" etc. it is suffocating, for years i've depended on the interent for my contact and meaningful interaction with likeminded people, now i need a pause

I find being online useful as a complement to reading and gaining knowledge, and possibly only as a complement (not a complete replacement) for interaction. Likes, to me, are pretty much saying "I learned something" (or sometimes just "right on"), and could potentially be a (poor) replacement for personal interaction, since they do remind my own imperfect self not to behave cruelly. Likes shouldn't be distracting, or ruminated upon, in lieu of information. I do sometimes find myself wishing that threads, especially long ones, could be collapsed into posts a user has reacted to, but that's probably a lot of work lol

I don't have anything to supplement the exceptional quote someone posted above me, so I will say things will always turn out well for good people, at some point. Life is a trial, a war, that we present to ourselves so that we don't stagnate. I've found that there are moments of peace in socializing (even if only with family or with one other individual), in reading, possibly in meditation, or simply sleeping (where we can reach new heights without being conscious of it).

 

[forest_light]

I am not in a good place, mentally and otherwise, at the present, and I suspect it had something to do with the way I reacted. I am warding off suicidal thoughts most of the time, I can't even think straight, sorry.

Penderecki, with genuine respect, it seems to me you were experiencing this on some level before you arrived here, you just may not have been so consciously aware.

In my personal opinion your situation is only now being amplified and getting very uncomfortable - partly because there are forces (and likely attachments) directly interfering with you; those forces would rather you fall back into old ways and lower vibrational pathways, anything to prevent you from seeking light/knowedge. From what I have observed about my own experience, when you find a pathway that can truly support you to grow and raise your consciousness, that is when you will come under the most intense attack. 'They' will try anything to prevent you from making sustained, consistent effort to raise your own vibration/personal frequency, empowering yourself through knowledge. Make no mistake: this is a battle for your Soul. Up until now, the dark side thought they were winning. Your pain and suffering is, after all, their greatest joy and source of nourishment. (Chomp chomp... where's the ketchup!)

Gathering knowledge and directly applying it to your reality on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis requires great effort, but over time it becomes more natural and intuitive. It's a bit like learning to drive a car, at the beginning there are many things to consider, to think about consciously, to focus on mentally, multiple issues you need to focus on and manage simultaneously... but over time, it becomes easier, less stressful, you are able to drive and focus on the bigger picture; you learn to drive competently, with greater coordination, you learn to read your environment and pay attention to the energy and behaviour of others (as well as yourself), you gradually learn to identify unhinged, triggered, crazy psycho 'drivers' and maintain a healthy distance, perhaps even opting for a different route to get to your destination.

In terms of what you said in your last post, from what I see, there is nothing that needs to be forgiven. It shows you are thinking, questioning and paying attention to qualifying information - you are doing your best to practice discernment - it is a pretty normal (intelligent!) response to question things, particularly when you have repeatedly been burned. I am sure most people apply some form of critical thinking before choosing to dive into this path, needing to have full comprehension of the origins of the group, their motivation and methodologies. I know I looked very carefully at this tribe myself, before I felt comfortable joining. Maybe you jumped in before you looked too hard, but perhaps you needed that experience to ultimately have more clarity and perspective. Everyone understands it is easy to get hooked into the drama and stories 'out there', but your internal compass seems to be saying this is a place worth checking out, otherwise you wouldn't still be here.

You speak of suicidal energies ...

Something practical that may well help you greatly with these troubles is the Éiriú Eolas breathing program (EE). There are multiple benefits from practicing this regularly (more than are listed below) and this is attested by many people on the forum. When we are traumatised and filled with anxiety, we don't breathe, everything gets twisted, locked up, distorted.

Even if you just start gently by doing the exercises and stretches / then the pipe breathing / then listen to the mediation at the end of the program, IMHO, this has the potential to help you SO much. Do be careful with the program, it has the potential to be very cathartic and bring emotional issues to the surface so it might be best to just ease yourself into the program.

I cannot begin to explain how much this program has helped me. During the meditation at the end, often tears would stream down my face listening to Laura's voice, feeling so much gratitude for the incredible grace brought into my life and for the beauty, warmth and depth of her Soul. I experienced many very powerful transformations in my life and wellbeing once I started using the program and a lot of emotional release and healing.

If you suddenly find you are super 'triggered' and overwhelmed... you might want to just listen to the meditation on its own while doing quiet gentle 'belly breathing' if you are able... this can really help you pull yourself back together. If I was overwhelmed, I used to replay the meditation a couple of times over and drift off into the deepest healing sleep. (Definitely don't listen to it at all while driving!).

The breathing exercises are intended as preparation for the meditation, which is the heart of the Eíriú-Eolas system.

The meditation is performed with “seed”, which means it is neither mindless nor without aim. The seed, entitled “Prayer of the Soul”, has been carefully composed to be unlimited in its application to life and to create a subconscious ground of positive, life-affirming thoughts in your quieted mind. The prayer addresses the Divine Cosmic Mind, which is existence in and of itself. If you wish to address the Divine Cosmic Mind in terms more familiar such as Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Krishna etc. that is also fine.

Should a divine personification not be part of your outlook, you may even look to your own “best self” as being addressed. The Prayer of the Soul is intended to be universally applicable to all personal philosophies.

You can check out the EE program online. The presentation runs for over 2 hours, where Laura offers the viewer background information about why the program was developed, explains the benefits of this particular breathwork, demonstrates breathing techniques etc, she explains everything really well.

Éiriú Eolas will enable you to rapidly and gently access and release layers of mental, emotional and physical toxicity that stand between you and a healthy, younger feeling and younger looking body!

Instantly control stress and high energy situations
Detox your body resulting in pain relief
Relax and gently work through past emotional and psychological trauma
Regenerate and rejuvenate your body/mind

Long term benefits
As you continue practicing the Eíriú-Eolas system, you will embrace a new quality of energy, range and initiative. You will become strong in areas where you were once weak. You will experience the constant guidance of your higher self. This guidance will be active in the work of your hands and the words of your mouth. You will feel this guidance in the form of protection, as you will also have the ability to perceive danger in greater capacity than before. Your higher self will guide you to acquire the knowledge you need on a practical level to protect yourself from unnecessary harm.

I also encourage you to read EE's Quick Guide, which gives a great overview/understanding.

Once you have tried the program online you can opt to purchase:

• 2 Disc DVD, or
• an audio download.

In no time, you will be able to use the techniques unassisted, no matter where you are, or what situation you are in.
(Best money I ever spent. Along with Laura's books of course!)

Sending a, to you Penderecki... and some gentle, warm sunshine.
Maybe you can get into nature on your own for a bit every day, the Earth offers so much healing, and just like with everything, our receptivity is greater when we consciously take the time to connect and offer love and gratitude in return.

 

[Nienna]

I have exaggerated, I now realize, by using the 'cult' word - and I wish to apologize, sincerely so.
I over-reacted, having read some gossipy articles. Even so, I should have known better, and I hope you can forgive me, mea maxima culpa. It is uncharacteristic of me to jump to conclusions, this is all I can say in my defense, despite the bad feelings I've already caused.
I am not in a good place, mentally and otherwise, at the present, and I suspect it had something to do with the way I reacted. I am warding off suicidal thoughts most of the time, I can't even think straight, sorry.

Penderecki, there is nothing to forgive. You have done nothing wrong. You were taken in by lies from people who had/have an agenda. It happens to all of us now and then. We, here, only wanted to set the record straight and, hopefully, be able to show you that you were in error. And, you have caused no bad feelings. Please don't beat yourself up about this.

If you are in a bad place now and warding off suicidal thoughts, please seek some kind of psychological help.

We are here if you want to "talk" about things. You can always start a thread in the Swamp if you want. It is not public.

 

[Penderecki]

Penderecki, with genuine respect, it seems to me you were experiencing this on some level before you arrived here, you just may not have been so consciously aware.

In my personal opinion your situation is only now being amplified and getting very uncomfortable - partly because there are forces (and likely attachments) directly interfering with you; those forces would rather you fall back into old ways and lower vibrational pathways, anything to prevent you from seeking light/knowedge. From what I have observed about my own experience, when you find a pathway that can truly support you to grow and raise your consciousness, that is when you will come under the most intense attack. 'They' will try anything to prevent you from making sustained, consistent effort to raise your own vibration/personal frequency, empowering yourself through knowledge. Make no mistake: this is a battle for your Soul. Up until now, the dark side thought they were winning. Your pain and suffering is, after all, their greatest joy and source of nourishment. (Chomp chomp... where's the ketchup!)

Gathering knowledge and directly applying it to your reality on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis requires great effort, but over time it becomes more natural and intuitive. It's a bit like learning to drive a car, at the beginning there are many things to consider, to think about consciously, to focus on mentally, multiple issues you need to focus on and manage simultaneously... but over time, it becomes easier, less stressful, you are able to drive and focus on the bigger picture; you learn to drive competently, with greater coordination, you learn to read your environment and pay attention to the energy and behaviour of others (as well as yourself), you gradually learn to identify unhinged, triggered, crazy psycho 'drivers' and maintain a healthy distance, perhaps even opting for a different route to get to your destination.

In terms of what you said in your last post, from what I see, there is nothing that needs to be forgiven. It shows you are thinking, questioning and paying attention to qualifying information - you are doing your best to practice discernment - it is a pretty normal (intelligent!) response to question things, particularly when you have repeatedly been burned. I am sure most people apply some form of critical thinking before choosing to dive into this path, needing to have full comprehension of the origins of the group, their motivation and methodologies. I know I looked very carefully at this tribe myself, before I felt comfortable joining. Maybe you jumped in before you looked too hard, but perhaps you needed that experience to ultimately have more clarity and perspective. Everyone understands it is easy to get hooked into the drama and stories 'out there', but your internal compass seems to be saying this is a place worth checking out, otherwise you wouldn't still be here.

You speak of suicidal energies ...

Something practical that may well help you greatly with these troubles is the Éiriú Eolas breathing program (EE). There are multiple benefits from practicing this regularly (more than are listed below) and this is attested by many people on the forum. When we are traumatised and filled with anxiety, we don't breathe, everything gets twisted, locked up, distorted.

Even if you just start gently by doing the exercises and stretches / then the pipe breathing / then listen to the mediation at the end of the program, IMHO, this has the potential to help you SO much. Do be careful with the program, it has the potential to be very cathartic and bring emotional issues to the surface so it might be best to just ease yourself into the program.

I cannot begin to explain how much this program has helped me. During the meditation at the end, often tears would stream down my face listening to Laura's voice, feeling so much gratitude for the incredible grace brought into my life and for the beauty, warmth and depth of her Soul. I experienced many very powerful transformations in my life and wellbeing once I started using the program and a lot of emotional release and healing.

If you suddenly find you are super 'triggered' and overwhelmed... you might want to just listen to the meditation on its own while doing quiet gentle 'belly breathing' if you are able... this can really help you pull yourself back together. If I was overwhelmed, I used to replay the meditation a couple of times over and drift off into the deepest healing sleep. (Definitely don't listen to it at all while driving!).



You can check out the EE program online. The presentation runs for over 2 hours, where Laura offers the viewer background information about why the program was developed, explains the benefits of this particular breathwork, demonstrates breathing techniques etc, she explains everything really well.





I also encourage you to read EE's Quick Guide, which gives a great overview/understanding.

Once you have tried the program online you can opt to purchase:

• 2 Disc DVD, or
• an audio download.

In no time, you will be able to use the techniques unassisted, no matter where you are, or what situation you are in.
(Best money I ever spent. Along with Laura's books of course!)

Sending a, to you Penderecki... and some gentle, warm sunshine.
Maybe you can get into nature on your own for a bit every day, the Earth offers so much healing, and just like with everything, our receptivity is greater when we consciously take the time to connect and offer love and gratitude in return.

Yes, I was definitely experiencing this before, but I foolishly assumed things were improving because I was "granted" some breathing space last week. I am currently arranging to be hospitalised, in case the hospital isn't already filled to limit, it seems many people have troubles at the moment, the full moon etc. I sincerely thank you for all you've written, and I will try to do the EE meditation.

 

[Penderecki]

@Penderecki I hear you and see your pain, it is the often decribed Dark Night of the Soul. I've lived it, many have.

From my experience, it did not just appear. The causitive event was there, yes, but it followed a long life which had been seasoned with pain and suffering from many events.

So, when I recieved the news of the drowning of my son, it was an assult that reduced any previous sufferings to nothing like this. You have been seasoned with pain too. Whether the state you are in now was caused by an event or if it is from an accumilation of sorrows, it doesn't matter. What matters is the point you are at and where you go from here.

You said you want to find God, or union with God. Right now, in the lowest of states of being, offers an unparalleled opportunity to walk toward God or Jesus, if you wish, because He has always been there waiting for you.

Perhaps because I had been kneaded by suffering before, at the death of Addam, I was able to say, "Ok God, this is what I have to go through now?" It wasn't a statement of anger or blaming God that brought that thought into my mind; it was a submission where I took up my particular cross and began to walk towards God. At times when it felt like I would fall into a hole of despair, I prayed, and I continue to pray and pray, everyday. I also read books with a more religious flavor because, this is what I have faith in. It is my way and it has lifted me up on silver wings.

You are a religious person. You've spent time in the dark religion of Thelema, I would meditate on this, why you were attracted to it, but that's for a different conversation. And you left it and turned towards Orthodox Christianity; that is why I speak to you the way I am doing here. I'm not sure I am able to convey my internal transformation (s), so I'll give you words from modern teacher/preacher. I believe any here would be able to relate to these writings from Theodore Nottingham, a Christian pastor, who teaches Christianity from a 4th Way understanding:

------------

Spirituality has been desdescribed as the degree to which we are in touch with reality and the dark night is the process of going ever further through those degrees. It is true that many people suffer from despair that leads nowhere and that has no transforming value. Such sorrow leads only to bleakness and an emptiness that is not fertile with the Presence of God. In this case, a person must pray for and find those who can help them turn this grief into new understanding.

The fact is that every human experience can be fuel for wisdom and if there is any message that religions and metaphysics have taught us down through the centuries, it is that there is always cause for hope! Someday we will each be able to say: "Death, where is thy victory?"

Then we will see from a new perspective all the sufferings that caused us such anxiety and hopelessness. The dark night of the soul teaches us to know through unknowing, to see in the darkness, to find meaning in meaninglessness, and union in solitude. It is the mystery of mysteries, the deepest secret of all religions, and the very core of what it means to be human.

To accept our pain, our mortality, and say "yes" to life, opens onto a transcendence that frees us from it all. The dark night refers to the times when it seems that we are down for the count, when nothing can lift us up, when there is no help, no hope, no way out. Yet the mystics of all ages make it very clear that this is precisely when we are asked to hope more than ever. This is precisely when we are being worked with most closely.

We must get beyond our senses and our natural inclinations if we wish to enter the supernatural dimensions of spiritual awareness. Sometimes this requires that all the lights be turned out, that we walk alone in the dark, in the night of uncertainty and confusion. A friend once told me that it was when circumstances had shattered him that he truly encountered the reality of God. In his despair and brokenness, he nevertheless felt himself mysteriously held up by a compassionate force. Having gone to the heart of hopelessness, he found there an inexpressible Presence that came to his aid and kept him going.

Since then, that Presence has made itself known to him in more vivid ways. According to the classic spiritual tradition represented by John of the Cross, "the purifying and loving divine light operates within us as does fire upon wood which transforms the wood into itself." The idea expressed here is that acceptance of spiritual suffering results in a spiritual activity that leads to transforming union with the Source of our being. John of the Cross tells us: "In order to arrive at being everything, desire to be nothing."

These are difficult teachings indeed and demand great strength of character. But so does living rightly on this planet. If we choose to be more than a slave to our every impulse and seek the dignity of being a child of the universe capable of witnessing the wonder of life and of participating in its care-taking, then we need to be grounded in something other than our own desires and satisfactions.

This is where the dark night can be useful to us: it can create new foundations made out of patience, perseverance, and a faith in the ultimate goodness of the universe which nothing will be able to destroy. Certainly it means sacrifice and acceptance of pain and insecurity. But this is what creates a spiritual being who can care for the unlovely and put up with the twists and turns of existence until the time when it enters into an even greater darkness which, some say, turns out to be the most wondrous light of all.

Thank you so much, I am so happy you wrote. I am trying to perform a general recapitulation of my life, trying to understand. You see, it wasn't just the darkness of thelema that attracted me, that was just the beginning, I then engaged with different magical groups, for example the Kabballah of Michael Laitman, which wasn't too bad, but not good for me either, then so-called esoteric voudon of Michael Bertiaux (this may have been the worst in terms of my soul's safety), this was followed by a period where I studied the writings of Miguel Serrano - it was in that ambient, full of racial hate and prjudice, that I managed to acess the deep point of love in my heart, the contrast being so evident.
But even after I "found Jesus" I still had episodes where I would return to the old texts and even practices, like a dog to his own vomit, and I don't know why, sometimes I feel the "messia complex" person inside me decided, even before incarnating, to take on and "study" the various dark currents out there? On a less glorious note - maybe I am just a weak person without true character that gets tossed to and fro like a leaf on life's currents? I think both perspectives have some truth to them.
Orthodox Christianity I find issues with too, it is extremely difficult to draw the demarcating line in terms of truth, not without a detailed study that takes years, and while I am engaged in this study at present - it is impossible to perform if one has to put out fires all the time, i.e. personal issuses that need attending too.
In terms of the aforementioned messianic complex: I know, It is pathetic and laughable - who am I to save anyone? I can't even take care of my own life. Besides, the very worst "groups" can't even be studied from the up-and-close perspective, the frankist bunch, for example, but only through their writings, which are meagre, and the changes in the world which are, supposedly, orchestrated by some such agent.
I feel I accomplished nothing by delving into the dark side, I just feel tired, terribly tired, like experiencing withdrawl all the time, or being raped by god, those are awful words, I am sorry, but it is how I feel.
Yesterday, feeling truly beat, I called one of those phone numbers that are there for people who feel suicidal - it was an exercise in futility, the woman showed more interest in filling her questionare than anything else.
Every year is the same for me, the summer time arrives and I go into crisis, with Sundays being the worst.
I am not particularily enamored with Jesus, it is just that one can't avoid Him. Then there is the fact: the very worst demons and demonic legions can only be subdued by Him, at least I know of no other power capable of doing it.
Yes, I said I long for contact with God, but I don't think Orthodox Christianity provides the right environment for that, not in my case, not any longer, there is too much dogma, with celibacy, the fount of their spiritual authority, being a case in point.
Everything is convoluted, like a labyrinth, with nowhere to turn to. Just one week ago I possessed what I'd call a rather "exalted" perspective on things, and now it feels like I am at the bottom of hell. If only it were one or the other constantly, these constant ups and downs are what's draining me.
Thank you for writing, much love, Penderecki.

 

[Michael B-C]

Thank you. What questions? Are you telling me those are fabrications? I am not going anywhere, I decided to stay, at least for a while but i find your reaction too vehement, as if you were offended (???), i apologize if i ofended you in any way,
point is, even if i did leave - my "frequency" would continue transmitting on the same wavelength(s), i don't see any essential "falling out" between me and the rest of them members.
but i feel tired all the time, i can't write, or even read any computer stuff any more, it is making me agressive and nervous, i don't particularly like this digital business, and, to tell the truth, i think this website/forum, intricate as it is, would benefit from some refreshing design wise, it is too abstruse, at least for me anyway.
i intent to read in peace and quiet the paleochristianity material, until then i won't be posting, that's all.
"in just under 10 days"...yes the past ten days have been the most intense of my life so far, they were not pleasant but they were intense, to put it mildly.
and you say..."you don't in truth belong there"
maybe i don't, is that a crime? it is precisely these macho energies that make me cynical, for all their peadogogic potential, politicians and gym goers, god's children all.

Hi Penderecki

You have nothing to apologize to me personally for - I was in no way offended, merely trying to shine a mirror back to you on the logical basis of your initial post. Sometimes the shock of seeing how others see our actions can help us to come back down to reality.

I have exaggerated, I now realize, by using the 'cult' word - and I wish to apologize, sincerely so.
I over-reacted, having read some gossipy articles. Even so, I should have known better, and I hope you can forgive me, mea maxima culpa. It is uncharacteristic of me to jump to conclusions, this is all I can say in my defense, despite the bad feelings I've already caused.
I am not in a good place, mentally and otherwise, at the present, and I suspect it had something to do with the way I reacted. I am warding off suicidal thoughts most of the time, I can't even think straight, sorry.

I am very glad you have had a change of heart and decided to stick around a little longer. That took courage and no little strength of will (there's nothing harder than looking at oneself and realizing ones vulnerability to emotional triggers). I am very sorry to hear that you are not in a good place. There are wonderful people here ready and willing to give you support so do not allow the shame to win out - you opened this thread for a good reason and so, as and when you feel you can, maybe try to use it to work through by sharing some of the issues that are coming up for you and that seem to prove so stubborn and insurmountable when dealt with alone. You are not alone. The forum is here to support you when you need it.