Fear of 'Dying'

[ana]

I feel that at my current block, all the words of advice in the world won't make any difference. I need to do some real thinking on my own about which way I want to go with things and make a decision.

I don't want anyone to waste their words on my problems anymore; it's down to me. I have access to all the materials I need, if I decide I want to Work.

Thanks for the input in this thread and others.

T.C.

I do not see it like a waste of words, please don't worry about that, we are all learning also from your experiences if you want to share them.

 

[RedFox]

If I could always remember everything I've ever realised, every lesson I've learnt from the suffering my automatic behaviour causes me and other people, there would be no problem. But I don't seem to learn. I never make progress. I can never remember the feelings from the major lessons during daily life.

I feel that at my current block, all the words of advice in the world won't make any difference. I need to do some real thinking on my own about which way I want to go with things and make a decision.

I don't want anyone to waste their words on my problems anymore; it's down to me. I have access to all the materials I need, if I decide I want to Work.

T.C. these statements by you have a distinctly negative introject/aniallistic tone to them. A fatalistic finality if you will. Of self-importance in the form of deep self pity.
Do you honestly believe you are incapable of learning anything? That you are incapable of progress? That you do not remember? And the words of the people here are truly wasted upon you?

You are currently attaching yourself to/believing your negative introject. Your narcissistic internal parent who is berating you for 'always being a failure', 'never amounting to anything, 'thick and incapable'. Is this really true?
I've been here long enough and read enough of your posts to see in you the ability to learn, remember, progress and impart that learnt understanding (so far) to others.

Your anger should not be at yourself, but your negative introject.

Anart once wrote...(http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=12113.msg86811#msg86811)

-the point being that we are addicts in our own skin...

This has played on my mind....and I had a small glimpse of the horror of this statement about half an hour ago.....
I realise we are addicted to the food we eat that makes us sick, the mechanical behaviour that we do that slowly distroys us, the negative thoughts the rule us, and the faulty use of negative emotions that sink us. You can apply it to pretty much everything...
The false personality, and the negative introject (as far as I understand it) are our chief addiction's....
Let me re quote part of G.'s comment you posted....this is how I read it

But in order to be able to attain this or at least begin to attain it, a man must die, that is, he must free himself from a thousand petty addiction's and identifications which hold him in the position in which he is. He is addicted to everything in his life, addicted to his imagination, addicted to his stupidity, addicted even to his sufferings, possibly to his sufferings more than to anything else. He must free himself from this addiction. Addiction to things, identification with things, keep alive a thousand useless I's in a man. These I's must die in order that the big I may be born.

To see the death of the addict in you....to me removes the fear from it

To be so tied up in wanting to go it alone at this point, and feeling you must but cannot get past your 'death'....is looking to be addicted to achieving that 'death'...you are acting from your addict, desperately seeking to replace the addiction you are dismantling.

 

[vinny]

I feel that at my current block, all the words of advice in the world won't make any difference. I need to do some real thinking on my own about which way I want to go with things and make a decision.

I don't want anyone to waste their words on my problems anymore; it's down to me. I have access to all the materials I need, if I decide I want to Work.

Aprt from the 'negative introject'-like tone at the start, actually I think the rest of this has a useful sentiment: you must take responsibility for your actions. So, good luck with that. Point of caution: make your own decisions and be responsible for it - take 'ownership' of your life and your lesson-plan, but at the same time it is always useful to network as well - not so that you are relying on others to make your decisions, but rather to 'compare notes', so that you are making decisions based on the maximum amount of data possible.

 

[T.C.]

we are all learning also

Thanks for reminding me of that Pryf.

Do you honestly believe you are incapable of learning anything? That you are incapable of progress? That you do not remember? And the words of the people here are truly wasted upon you?

I wrote that because I was angry at myself, because I've been at this place before, quite a few times, and each time I have asked for advice, and people have given it to me, and then I haven't followed it. But it's been good actually, because after reading what I've written in this thread, and again seeing things about my personality that I don't like, I have for the majority of the day been able to not associate with my personality. It's been a bit like the straw that broke the camels back. I'd rather face the possibility of emptiness than the certainty of my personality.

What I've actually found today while breaking my association, is that I'm far less lonely. Siding with the predators mind brings a "me against the world" attitude, whereas non association brings a feeling of purpose and connectedness with everything else - the bigger picture.

Your words about addiction are very helpful too. Thanks a lot.

actually I think the rest of this has a useful sentiment: you must take responsibility for your actions. So, good luck with that. Point of caution: make your own decisions and be responsible for it - take 'ownership' of your life and your lesson-plan, but at the same time it is always useful to network as well - not so that you are relying on others to make your decisions, but rather to 'compare notes', so that you are making decisions based on the maximum amount of data possible.

Thanks Nomad.

 

[Vladimir]

Hi T.C.

I was and I am in the situation that you are describing as "fear from dying". But, I found my solution about next step. I'll share.

In my case, I spent about 3-4 years to come in this "position" (and the environment too) from which I will be able to undertake this move.
I arranged and next week I will start Reichian-based body-therapy. The name of the method is not importation. What important
is that, if preformed well and in RIGHT time, person is getting in contact with deep rotted situations, emotions etc. which played
crucial roll in developing a false personalty. If one "unlock" them properly and in the right time, false personalty falls apart. Of course.
this may sound "too simple" but, one needs to overcome a lot of issues to make this process properly beneficial for him.

Which therapy the one will undertake is and is not important. If you and therapist know what are you doing, than you will
archive it no matter how you call this therapy and vice-versa. Some forms of therapies are more oriented to "breaking" the character.
And my recommendation, as I mentioned is W. Reich and A. Lowen based body therapies. (Search google for more info).
These forms of therapy can be very painful.

We can stay in touch so I can inform you about "validity" of my words and experience that I will undertake.

Approach your self objectively with knowledge about your false personality and accept it for a moment without resistance or hate
towards it. Then observe from where you are observing and consider your next move HOW to resolve it.

Regards,

 

[Laura]

Being afraid of "dying" in this way is kind of like being afraid of growing up. While there are certain aspects of my childhood that I would like to have in my life now (like energy!) I do not, for one minute regret growing up. I wouldn't go back to my state of ignorance even to get that energy back! I think you should keep this in mind. While you will certainly shed that "childish self," what you will gain as you grow yourself is a treasure beyond imagining.

 

[Turgon]

I would like to add in my 2cents, as this topic relates experiences I went through in the last 2 weeks.

I was very sick the last 2 weeks and was bedridden for 1 of those weeks. Experiencing myself when I'm terribly sick was an eye-opening experience. First and foremost, a large number of automatic thought patterns (programs) surfaced during this time, as well as an inability to observe anything about myself objectively. anytime I attempted at self-observation, the pain in my body would increase. And often to escape the pain, I would revert to automatic thought patterns, constant thoughts about wanting to die to end the suffering and so forth. Whining like a child because I didn't like how I felt. Yet at the same time realizing I'm running programs and and KNOWING what that meant, but not having any energy whatsoever to gain back any type of objective mindset.

After I started to get better in the 2nd week, I began to feel extremely unhappy with myself for reverting to so many programs that were clear to see, yet not being able to control myself, or DO something about it.

This turned into self-pity, and a mental block (the best way to describe) that prevented from observing myself objectively. And the worst part of it for me, was that I KNEW what was happening.

IMHO, self-pity is one of the first things that should be dealt with before you even wanna do something else, self-pity is also fueled by lazyness.

the only advice that i can give you regarding this is that you find out what it exactly is that is fueling your self-pity, where are those fears coming from?

like I said,

You will be amazed by how much you will achieve by merely Self Contemplating.

I think Bo makes a very good point about self-pity and the importance of Contemplation. My self-pity was rooted in lazyness and lack of energy. It caused my focus to become solely on myself, so I think I was looking at myself subjectively. It took a lot of effort JUST to Comtemplate, let alone find out the root of the unhappiness. And Bo hits it on the mark when he says:

find out what it exactly is that is fueling your self-pity, where are those fears coming from?

I think the answer is:

You will be amazed by how much you will achieve by merely Self Contemplating

Also, this may not relate and might be a bit off topic but here are some quotes from Adventures with Cassiopaea, Chapter 22.

I noticed very early in my life that people seemed to experience the same emotional entanglements the world over. Over and over again. (I was also painfully aware of how miserable I was on this earth at a very early age). I wanted to know why, what was at work, how it occurred, and if there was a way out of going through such a meaningless-seeming, endless-seeming loop myself.

This "right use of energy" has to do with Don Juan's description of a division of "seers" into two categories:

"The first one is made up of those who are willing to exercise self-restraint and can channel their activities toward pragmatic goals, which would benefit other seers and man in general. The other category consists of those who don't care about self-restraint or about any pragmatic goals. It is the consensus among seers that the latter have failed to resolve the problem of self-importance."

As Don Juan says: "Impeccability is nothing else but the proper use of energy. […] To understand this, you have to save enough energy yourself."

Hope this helps and like the C's said, Let Patience chart your course, not Pressure!