Tigersoap said:
Buddy said:
Another thing I would like to mention is that, generally speaking, I was/am one of those people who wear their emotions on their sleeve, always ready to overflow with enthusiasm and love for anyone and any opportunity to learn something new. I learned to disassociate from my emotions in order to 'behave', 'act right' and 'don't draw attention to myself' and stuff like that. I think it was to protect me from my own naiveté as well. Buffers had to be created to keep me from dealing with this and to accept and work through the pain that is also there, associated with all this.
Hey Buddy,
There is this passage in the Narcissitic family that seemed to describe me quite well, maybe this will ring true for you in parts as well (or not).
Your post made me think of myself, my unbridled emotional center would kick into high gear and I would be overflowing with love and excitation, to be depleted and disappointed after a while because it never met "my expectations".
A chronic need to please; an inability to identify feelings, wants, and needs; and a need for constant validation. This group of patients felt that the bad things that happened to them were well deserved, while the good things that happened were probably mistakes or accidents. They had difficulty being assertive, privately feeling a pervasive sense of rage that they feared might surface. They felt like paper tigers-often very angry, but easily beaten down. Their interpersonal relationships were characterized by distrust and suspicion (bordering on paranoia), interspersed with often disastrous episodes of total and injudicious trusting and self-disclosure. They were chronically dissatisfied, but were fearful of being perceived as whiners or complainers if they expressed their true feelings. Many could hold their anger in for extremely long periods of time, then become explosive over relatively insignificant matters. They had a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction with their achievements; this was found even among individuals who externally may have been viewed as very successful. The list of people included professionals who were obsessively involved in their enterprises, but were unable to achieve at a level at which they found satisfaction. In relationships, these individuals frequently found themselves in repeated dead-end situations.
(Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman, The Narcissistic Family, p. 3)
Yeah, it described me to a 't' too. Those characteristics can be misinterpreted as signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. Toxic relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and just plain dysfunctional behavior (including others who are just wounded and 'neurotically compatible') can manifest Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics:
People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:4
* Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
* Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
* Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
* Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
* Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.
* Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.
* Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
* Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
* Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.
Source: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms
A person that doesn't have actual Borderline Personality Disorder won't display clinical symptoms all the time. The symptoms can be situational. As long as the toxic relationship, or a toxic relationship is ongoing, the signs will persist. It often takes dedicated therapy to root this out, because it grows from being in a toxic family to begin with. (And its colored by co-dependency and other issues)
With counseling, and therapy its possible to recognize the situations and people that trigger this behavior, and properly handle it. I was in college when a counselor working with me came up with this as a working hypothesis. I found it to be accurate, my behavior morphed with whomever I was with, like a chameleon. Its a 'buffer' or defense mechanism. People who 'wear their hearts on their sleeves' adapt in different ways, and mine was to 'blend' to diffuse the emotions and avoid being 'hurt'.
When this buffer is totally mechanical, you show people what they want to see, and not 'the real you'. Who you are depends on who you happen to be with at the time.
This is NOT External Consideration, because it is not a conscious choice, its a reaction held over from childhood.
Reading Buddy's post reminded me of this, and I'm sharing it to help other people distinguish this automatic buffer from actual External Considering. :)
