Grief- lettre to Claude, my friend, my husband

[Laura]

You are in my thoughts, Loreta. Just move forward one step at a time and I'm sure Claude is there watching over you.

 

[loreta]

You are in my thoughts, Loreta. Just move forward one step at a time and I'm sure Claude is there watching over you.

Thank you Laura, thank you very much.

 

[loreta]

And he probably loved and admired you for that, where he had difficulties to express himself ?

Maybe, but I don't know. He depended on me, that's for sure, but he never showed his gratitude in words. I never lacked anything from him. I was spoiled. But for emotions, it was complicated. But he was also always stoic, never got angry except during arguments. I am starting to get to know him now, and I am starting to get to know myself too. It's really hard Work on the inside but also very beautiful. And it's very painful too.

 

[loreta]

Aside from the sadness and loneliness I'm experiencing these days, and the anxiety too, of course, the emotion that hurts me the most is fear. I'm afraid, terrified, of living all alone, without anyone, and of making decisions all by myself. It's driving me crazy. I've never experienced anything like this. All the decisions Claude and I made—he was there to reassure me, in a way. He was a pillar of support. I realize that now. His Chinese sign was the dragon. Mine the dog. Sometimes I felt suffocated, I wanted to leave, far, far away. But I stayed, loyal as a dog.


Now I find myself without the dragon, without my master. I've lost my senses, my balance. I'm afraid, afraid, afraid. That's what I discovered when I studied what I was feeling. Fear. Of course, within the fear there's sadness, immense sadness at no longer seeing or touching Claude. I feel so much love for him, and yet I'm still afraid.

I'm all mixed up, like a man walking crookedly on a line. I can function moderately, taking care of certain paperwork when someone dies, pensions, etc.

Why am I afraid? Where does this fear comes from? I find myself facing a life that, for the moment, has no clear meaning, other than dealing with bureaucratic matters (my sister and a friend help me) and taking care of my animals. I am a lost soul. I know it's still early, but still.

I have to leave this island and I have to leave this apartment. And I can't see the road ahead. I am blind. It is not easy. For now I just can say this.

Thank you for listening.