Grief- lettre to Claude, my friend, my husband

[Laura]

You are in my thoughts, Loreta. Just move forward one step at a time and I'm sure Claude is there watching over you.

 

[loreta]

You are in my thoughts, Loreta. Just move forward one step at a time and I'm sure Claude is there watching over you.

Thank you Laura, thank you very much.

 

[loreta]

And he probably loved and admired you for that, where he had difficulties to express himself ?

Maybe, but I don't know. He depended on me, that's for sure, but he never showed his gratitude in words. I never lacked anything from him. I was spoiled. But for emotions, it was complicated. But he was also always stoic, never got angry except during arguments. I am starting to get to know him now, and I am starting to get to know myself too. It's really hard Work on the inside but also very beautiful. And it's very painful too.

 

[loreta]

Aside from the sadness and loneliness I'm experiencing these days, and the anxiety too, of course, the emotion that hurts me the most is fear. I'm afraid, terrified, of living all alone, without anyone, and of making decisions all by myself. It's driving me crazy. I've never experienced anything like this. All the decisions Claude and I made—he was there to reassure me, in a way. He was a pillar of support. I realize that now. His Chinese sign was the dragon. Mine the dog. Sometimes I felt suffocated, I wanted to leave, far, far away. But I stayed, loyal as a dog.


Now I find myself without the dragon, without my master. I've lost my senses, my balance. I'm afraid, afraid, afraid. That's what I discovered when I studied what I was feeling. Fear. Of course, within the fear there's sadness, immense sadness at no longer seeing or touching Claude. I feel so much love for him, and yet I'm still afraid.

I'm all mixed up, like a man walking crookedly on a line. I can function moderately, taking care of certain paperwork when someone dies, pensions, etc.

Why am I afraid? Where does this fear comes from? I find myself facing a life that, for the moment, has no clear meaning, other than dealing with bureaucratic matters (my sister and a friend help me) and taking care of my animals. I am a lost soul. I know it's still early, but still.

I have to leave this island and I have to leave this apartment. And I can't see the road ahead. I am blind. It is not easy. For now I just can say this.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Nienna]

He was a pillar of support. I realize that now.

Sometimes, as the saying goes, we don't know what we have until we have lost it. At least, now you can see what a "rock" he was for you. Just don't beat yourself up for not having seen this in the past.

I'm afraid, afraid, afraid. That's what I discovered when I studied what I was feeling. Fear.

You are facing the unknown now so it's not surprising that you are afraid of what is to come and what you should do. There's nothing wrong with that.

I think that you should take your friend in Spain up on the offer to stay with her for a while after her visit with you (if I'm remembering correctly that she did offer that). And it may be a great idea for you to move there to be close to someone you know and are on such good terms with. Being alone with no one to visit with and interact with is a hard thing to do and not really a good place to be.

At least, for now, you have your dogs and they are such a great comfort to have around. Just take one day at a time and don't become overwhelmed with what you need to do. Just one day, one step, one thing at a time. And know that you are much loved by us here on the Forum and you have our support. It's not the same as having us there physically, but it's good to know that we are there spiritually for you, or so I think.

 

[iamthatis]

Aside from the sadness and loneliness I'm experiencing these days, and the anxiety too, of course, the emotion that hurts me the most is fear. I'm afraid, terrified, of living all alone, without anyone, and of making decisions all by myself. It's driving me crazy. I've never experienced anything like this. All the decisions Claude and I made—he was there to reassure me, in a way. He was a pillar of support. I realize that now. His Chinese sign was the dragon. Mine the dog. Sometimes I felt suffocated, I wanted to leave, far, far away. But I stayed, loyal as a dog.


Now I find myself without the dragon, without my master. I've lost my senses, my balance. I'm afraid, afraid, afraid. That's what I discovered when I studied what I was feeling. Fear. Of course, within the fear there's sadness, immense sadness at no longer seeing or touching Claude. I feel so much love for him, and yet I'm still afraid.

I'm all mixed up, like a man walking crookedly on a line. I can function moderately, taking care of certain paperwork when someone dies, pensions, etc.

Why am I afraid? Where does this fear comes from? I find myself facing a life that, for the moment, has no clear meaning, other than dealing with bureaucratic matters (my sister and a friend help me) and taking care of my animals. I am a lost soul. I know it's still early, but still.

I have to leave this island and I have to leave this apartment. And I can't see the road ahead. I am blind. It is not easy. For now I just can say this.

Thank you for listening.

My heart goes out to you, dear loreta! It sounds overwhelming to say the least. It may be worthwhile reaching out to a grief counsellor? Having someone to talk to is so vital for these most difficult of times. As Nienna said, we humans are not meant to do this life alone, and it is my thinking that we are not meant to do grief alone.

Being together is hard-wired into our biology. I don't know if it's possible for you to go out amongst people, in a cafe, a library, a concert, or wherever you are drawn to? This creates a resonance of safety in our nervous system, even if we don't speak with the other humans nearby. Having a grief counsellor on board could help even more, if it's still too soon to go out into the world, as they will be able to provide consistent connection, a well-informed and compassionate perspective, and the opportunity for the sort of deep sharing that I think may be of great assistance to you as you adjust to your new reality.

In my own case with learning to grieve and deal with shock, I had to really challenge myself over and over to find social interaction, because my tendency was to isolate. But I realized that while staying in my comfort zone was good for a time, it quickly became a discomfort zone. A very hard lesson. Having my therapist there presented a scheduled interaction with a wise Soul. I cannot overstate how grateful I am for her influence on my healing process.

All the best to you - and prayers and hugs to you and your dogs.

 

[loreta]

My heart goes out to you, dear loreta! It sounds overwhelming to say the least. It may be worthwhile reaching out to a grief counsellor? Having someone to talk to is so vital for these most difficult of times. As Nienna said, we humans are not meant to do this life alone, and it is my thinking that we are not meant to do grief alone.

Being together is hard-wired into our biology. I don't know if it's possible for you to go out amongst people, in a cafe, a library, a concert, or wherever you are drawn to? This creates a resonance of safety in our nervous system, even if we don't speak with the other humans nearby. Having a grief counsellor on board could help even more, if it's still too soon to go out into the world, as they will be able to provide consistent connection, a well-informed and compassionate perspective, and the opportunity for the sort of deep sharing that I think may be of great assistance to you as you adjust to your new reality.

In my own case with learning to grieve and deal with shock, I had to really challenge myself over and over to find social interaction, because my tendency was to isolate. But I realized that while staying in my comfort zone was good for a time, it quickly became a discomfort zone. A very hard lesson. Having my therapist there presented a scheduled interaction with a wise Soul. I cannot overstate how grateful I am for her influence on my healing process.

All the best to you - and prayers and hugs to you and your dogs.

Yes, it's very painful, a bit like torture under the Inquisition. There's the loneliness on one side, the fear, the fear of living alone, and the uncertainty. It's a lot. I know it will all pass, and Claude, for his part, helps me in his own way, allowing me to love him now and to see him from the perspective of unconditional love. When I panicked and asked him, "Is everything going to be alright, Claude?" he always said, "Well, yes..." My only consolation now are my dogs and cats, and knowing that he loved me. But he never said it, of course.

 

[Breo]

Dear loreta, thank you for sharing your beautiful letter, the photo and all your grief and fear. I am very sorry about your loss of Claude.
I also think that it is so ok to go through all these very strong emotions now.

and I am starting to get to know myself too. It's really hard Work on the inside but also very beautiful. And it's very painful too.

Your words of what you share are very gentle, poetic and loving. So again, thank you for sharing. It is very scary to figure it out on your own. I understand this struggle well, had to move lately into the unknown all by myself. There is pain, fear and waves of beauty, again and again. And there is "the Universe knows what it is doing" and "We don't need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What we need is to recognize the possiblities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope." (Thomas Merton/FOTCM calender). Maybe this helps a little... And if its ok for you? - you will be in my prayers.

 

[loreta]

Dear loreta, thank you for sharing your beautiful letter, the photo and all your grief and fear. I am very sorry about your loss of Claude.
I also think that it is so ok to go through all these very strong emotions now.

Your words of what you share are very gentle, poetic and loving. So again, thank you for sharing. It is very scary to figure it out on your own. I understand this struggle well, had to move lately into the unknown all by myself. There is pain, fear and waves of beauty, again and again. And there is "the Universe knows what it is doing" and "We don't need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What we need is to recognize the possiblities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope." (Thomas Merton/FOTCM calender). Maybe this helps a little... And if its ok for you? - you will be in my prayers.

Yes, it helps a lot, also what the others members told me. Thank you to all of you.