Helping others and networking

[beetlemaniac]

That's how it feels. Forum presence is like a muscle we need to exercise regularly, and if we stop, it atrophies.

I do agree that posting does take effort. However, I have found that the communication here has involved various types of "muscles" to use your analogy, and it seems that older ones tend to wither away due to disuse and new ones take their place. Maybe what we need to develop is a clear channel, for ourselves to speak our (true) minds in the most effortless way possible. Then again effortless is not what is necessarily the best thing. Using reason (system 2) is generally more energy-intensive and effortful. Maybe it's a balance of being critical and allowing ourselves breadth in order to canvass the depths of our subconscious.

 

[Keit]

That's how it feels. Forum presence is like a muscle we need to exercise regularly, and if we stop, it atrophies.

Maybe what we need to develop is a clear channel, for ourselves to speak our (true) minds in the most effortless way possible. Then again effortless is not what is necessarily the best thing. Using reason (system 2) is generally more energy-intensive and effortful. Maybe it's a balance of being critical and allowing ourselves breadth in order to canvass the depths of our subconscious.

Maybe what could work is using the same approach similar to the work on the self (being gentle with the wounded child part, but being ruthless with the "brat" part that has to be disciplined). In this context it means that we should know and appreciate our limits and available time, and not be too upset if we can't keep up with everything, but just to strive to do our best. On the other hand, if we do have the time and opportunity, but we don't do the needed effort for whatever reasons (read narratives), than we better be honest with ourselves and get working on exercising that muscle. ;)

Besides, speaking of being afraid to post on the forum. The best way to get over various fears and shame of saying something stupid, is actually saying or doing something incredibly stupid. In some cases numerous times! Speaking from experience here! And then observing that the world didn't end, and you weren't rejected or ostracized, etc. The only wounded party in this whole ordeal was the ego. Not to mention that in many cases people don't even notice your "horrible mishap!" And after some time of this "training", you'll notice that less and less energy goes into such "impression management". It is very liberating, actually.

And surprisingly, it is helpful for everyone as well. No matter how many post your made, or what is your "rank". For example, it is true that moderators should set an example. On the other hand, sometimes seeing that moderators or other long-term members also struggle and have their own lessons can actually motivate others to do more. Because it means that we all may not be perfect, but what makes the main difference, is that we are willing to try again and again to become better.

 

[BrendaH]

I can relate myself with many of the things written here. Besides fear, shame, etc., there's the language barrier. Even though I speak English and can understand it, sometimes I feel that I can't express myself well or at least as I would like to because my vocabulary in English is not as extensive as in Spanish, the good thing is that with reading and interacting I can enrich my vocabulary. There's also shame of making mistakes in the way of expressing oneself, misusing words, etc. Before uploading a post I review it several times on my own and a dozen times in the google translator to see if there is an error, it is exhausting, at least it takes me an hour to write a post (obviously one of great extension) and all because of my insecurities I sincerely can't wait to get rid of them. Another reason I don't post almost never is because I don't like to speak without nothing to say, to express an opinion that may not help at all, I am currently trying to inform myself and read as much as I can to contribute the best way possible to the group. But this is a process that takes time and I need to understand what I read properly, otherwise, as I read in some other thread a few days ago I would be paying attention to quantity and not to quality. The fear of what others can interpret, shame, fear of make mistakes, say something stupid, etc., are fears that I also feel in the moment that I want to upload a post and knowing that others feel the same way as you gives you more confidence!!

Thank you for the post!!

(Anyway this took me half and hour so I'm doing it better)

 

[beetlemaniac]

That's how it feels. Forum presence is like a muscle we need to exercise regularly, and if we stop, it atrophies.

Maybe what we need to develop is a clear channel, for ourselves to speak our (true) minds in the most effortless way possible. Then again effortless is not what is necessarily the best thing. Using reason (system 2) is generally more energy-intensive and effortful. Maybe it's a balance of being critical and allowing ourselves breadth in order to canvass the depths of our subconscious.

Maybe what could work is using the same approach similar to the work on the self (being gentle with the wounded child part, but being ruthless with the "brat" part that has to be disciplined). In this context it means that we should know and appreciate our limits and available time, and not be too upset if we can't keep up with everything, but just to strive to do our best. On the other hand, if we do have the time and opportunity, but we don't do the needed effort for whatever reasons (read narratives), than we better be honest with ourselves and get working on exercising that muscle. ;)

Dear Keit,

Today, I had to get out of the house to buy some groceries. I was planning to use this whole weekend to keep up with threads and reading, which I sometimes find difficulty concentrating on. I tried doing it at work but the people and general atmosphere prevents it. In any case, I like being super busy at work since it feels good as long as I don't overdo it. Anyhow, as I was buying some groceries I started getting very upset, the usual traffic, parking etc. which I perceived as taking valuable time away from what I ultimately intended to spend the day doing. So now that I'm back, I'm trying to use that frustration to fuel my desire to connect again! My experience of life is generally getting more and more "controlled" as I seem to be able to engage my prefrontal cortex in more situations than before. This I am very grateful for.

However much I hate to say it, I really feel like I don't have enough time. It's hard to keep that heart connection going when life squeezes you hard. I accept it as a challenge and it makes time spent here much more valuable than if I was not responsible for other things in daily life, i.e. being a good obyvatel. Though sometimes when I have time to spare, I can't seem to muster the attention needed to read and emotionally attune myself to the group. Yeah, so a lot of the time I have this fear of being between a rock and a hard place. However your post has trigerred me to be a little more expressive.

I don't know how to differentiate myself between the wounded child and the brat. I don't normally look at my behavior in those terms... though I assume that the brat is kind of like the predator's mind. So the wounded child is probably the one that craves validation, and expresses itself by wanting to please and being "perfect". Hmmm, just thinking out loud here.

Besides, speaking of being afraid to post on the forum. The best way to get over various fears and shame of saying something stupid, is actually saying or doing something incredibly stupid. In some cases numerous times! Speaking from experience here! And then observing that the world didn't end, and you weren't rejected or ostracized, etc. The only wounded party in this whole ordeal was the ego. Not to mention that in many cases people don't even notice your "horrible mishap!" And after some time of this "training", you'll notice that less and less energy goes into such "impression management". It is very liberating, actually.

Haha, this made me laugh a little bit inside - just a little!! :P

I really get what you're saying Keit. I guess my situation is a little complex in the sense that I had to abstain from using the internet at nights due to a bad online habit . Now I finally have the courage to overcome the pull of the addiction, I have decided to get online at nights after work and communicate with the forum, so just recently as a week ago I installed internet at home which I can use on the weekends as well. It's been tough and focusing is hard after work when I mostly want to eat my emotions away. So again, I think your post was very timely indeed.

This in a way relates to my admiration for Donald Trump and his unrestrained and fun-loving character. He is egoistic, but there is something to be said about healthy narcissism which I suppose can only be developed when one is more conversational rather than purely intellectual. The heart needs out...

And surprisingly, it is helpful for everyone as well. No matter how many post your made, or what is your "rank". For example, it is true that moderators should set an example. On the other hand, sometimes seeing that moderators or other long-term members also struggle and have their own lessons can actually motivate others to do more. Because it means that we all may not be perfect, but what makes the main difference, is that we are willing to try again and again to become better.

Yes it is true that we aren't perfect, not a single one of us here. However, isn't the goal to reach perfection of being?

 

[Ruth]

The issues I struggle with in regard to posting are multiple. First, do I have anything worthwhile to say. Second, am I being judgmental here and off the mark. Third, Will I be chastised for posting noise or inappropriate sentiments. When I get past that and post, I find myself waiting with anticipation to see if anyone else notices, agrees, disagrees -have I been validated? it is all a bit of a psychological train wreck in many ways - so many little programs running when all one wants too do is contribute to a conversation and hopefully add some value

Yeah, I recognize these things in myself too. It wouldn't surprise me if this applies to the majority of people. Although I'm not a big one for consensus. In fact I'm not a big fan of that. My main concern would be do I know anything about the subject? Am I qualified to speak/'help'?