A few months ago, I stumbled upon a blog which I think contains pieces of information that are good, practical and easy to understand and apply. It belongs to Dr. Lynne Namka. Some of it may help in asking ourselves basic questions in the heat of the moment, or when dealing with an "angry" person, and spotting their manipulations but still setting boundaries. Or just to recognize anger for what it is instead of creating a narrative around it, patching it up with a "be nice" program, revenge thoughts, self-defeating attitudes, etc. And ultimately, it can help to learn to observe it, and to find healthier are more adult ways of dealing with it and communicating.
Anyway, I though it was a pretty handy blog for this type of emotion, and a simplified way to work on some of the issues discussed in detail in this other thread: Splitting as a Symptom of Internal Considering
http://www.angriesout.com
Anyway, I though it was a pretty handy blog for this type of emotion, and a simplified way to work on some of the issues discussed in detail in this other thread: Splitting as a Symptom of Internal Considering
http://www.angriesout.com
http://www.angriesout.com/grown2.htm
Anger Is One Reaction To An Event That Represents A Stress, Threat or Loss to You
The stress, threat or loss can be real or we can make it up in our mind.
Anger reactions happen when there is a stress, threat or loss to our...
Body
Property
Self esteem
Values
Or when we didn't get what we wanted. Entitlement--'I want it. You owe me. Give it to me now or I'll get angry'
Some Dynamics of Anger
We become more angry when we are stress and body resources are down.
We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
We are often angry when we didn't get what we needed as a child.
We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can't stand in ourselves.
Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas and triggers.
Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.
We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.
"I Need to Be Right" Way of Thinking Which Accompanies Much Anger
One of life's biggest setups is living with the belief that your way is the only way. People who are constantly threatened when others question their actions live a limited life. Living life always on the defense is no fun! People who are prone to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations and behaviors. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of the following characteristics, the more angry you will have:
_____ An insatiable need to be right
_____ A deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to control others
_____ An inability to say, "I don't know" and "I was wrong"
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The neurotic need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing feelings
_____ Fear of being vulnerable
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
Things To Think About Right Now!
As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You don't have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings are only feelings. They come and go. The best thing to do with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then learn from them.
As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities and adventures in your life.
As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!
As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement your rational side making you a full functioning human being.
As you relinquish self-centeredness and look to the needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness.
As you dismiss the belief of "I have to be need to be safe through strict, rigid thinking", you have more self-understanding.
As you let go of your need to be right, you find you have more of a Self. You become more secure and are less upset when things don't go the way you want. Life becomes less threatening. You see things in new and different ways. You become happier.
There Is A Progression Of Anger Build Up
Catch And Interrupt Your Anger In The Early Stages
Irritation
Frustration
Anger
Rage
Aggression
Remember it is normal to be human. Anger is a necessary part of the human species. However, it's not fair to hurt others or yourself with your negative emotions.
It makes sense to try to catch your anger at the irritation and frustration stages before it builds up to humongous amounts and leads to a blow up or major stuffing in your body.
Be in touch with your angry emotions. Your body will clue you in to your feelings if you observe your tension patterns. Own your anger. Call it by name.
Look for new and creative ways to speak it assertively and then release. The more up front you can be with others, the happier you will be. Make verbal contracts with those around you to speak about your anger in constructive ways. Make your family a "Speak your feelings kind of family!"
Keep looking for innovative ways that you can use your anger in ways that do not hurt you or others. Become a lifelong student on the dynamics of negativity as it plays itself out in your life. You can change and become a master over your anger.
What Does Your Body Do When You Are Angry?
____ Adrenalin rush
____ Heart races
____ Body temperature goes hot or cold
____ Muscle tension
___ shoulders tense
___ jaw tightens
___ knots in stomach
___ arms and legs
___ clenched fists
___ all over
____ Agitation/shaking
Anger May Be Only The Top Layer
What Other Emotions Lurk Under Your Anger?
_____ Fear
_____ Hurt
_____ Guilt
_____ Sad
_____ Confusion
_____ Overwhelmed
_____ Startled
_____ Restlessness
_____ Envy
_____ Hate
What Meaning Do Your Give To The Event That Makes You Angry?
What You Say To Yourself About The Event Determines Your Anger Response
Anger Outers-- You Turn Your Anger On the Other Person and Become an Aggressor
I'll show him
It's not fair
That jerk #%*&
I hate him
I'll show him
Inner Angers--You Become a Victim by Beating Yourself Up or Allowing Others To Beat You Up
I'm devalued
I'm exposed
He doesn't care
I'm wrong
I'm guilty (bad)
Withdrawal/Hide from Threat or Stressor--You Run Away and Don't Deal With It
I can't deal with this
This is danger
I'm being attacked
Let me out of here
Divert/Scatter the Energy of the Threat or Stressor--You Change the Subject
Let's joke
I'll divert attention
I feel sick
Deal With It! Good Mental Health Statements To Keep You Focused When Upset
I'm in charge here
I'll breathe and deal with this
I feel___ when you___
We can talk about this
I can handle this
Let's take time out to cool down and come back
I'm safe. It's okay
Yes, I'm angry and I'll just watch what I'm thinking
These statements are called resilient words. They empower you by reminding you that you are in charge not your anger.
Change Your Anger Coping Responses To A Higher Level, Move Your Anger Responses to Self Empowering Ones!
There Are Many Different Ways People Respond to Threat, Stress and Loss:
The Most Harmful Tactics are Used to Intimidate Others
Physically assault others to intimidate them
Scold, lecture and verbally abuse others
Nurse your anger by holding grudges
Engage in revenge thoughts and behaviors
Displace your anger on people who are weaker than the one which whom you are angry
Criticize and put the blame on others. Refuse to see your part of the situation
Use the silent treatment, cold stares, sighs and eye rolls.
Cuss and call names
Use sarcastic remarks to show your superiority
Manipulate the other person to get what you want
Turn Your Anger on Yourself
Physically harm yourself
Blame yourself and beat yourself up
Deny anger and stuff your feelings
Shut down your mind and numb out
Use alcohol, drugs or food to numb out or get high when you are angry
Hit the wall
Drive recklessly
Run away and never address important issues.
Never get closure and keep storing up the anger
Empower Yourself: Use Positive Ways to Deal With Anger
Use humor to defuse the tension in the situation
Put anger on a safe, inanimate object (punching bag, large rubber ball or pillow)
Use movement and exercise to release anger
Write or draw out your negative feelings
Share feelings and talk your anger out. "I feel angry, when you _____"
Confront others appropriately and set boundaries with them
Problem solve the situation
Leave unhealthy situations. Take a take time out to cool down then come back to talk
Take constructive action. Change the word mad to mean "make a difference"
Breathe! center and calm yourself so you can think clearly
Learn about your self and the other person
Observe what you are doing. Watch your reactions, thoughts & feelings
Change the meaning you gave the angering event
These latter reactions are the most helpful and healthy. They increase your self esteem by allowing you to be in control, not your anger!
Do you do the same old thing over and over with your anger? Here's a challenge. See if you can increase the number of anger responses you have instead of doing the same-o, same-o thing each time.
Move more of your anger responses into ones that empower you. Make a conscious choice to use positive anger responses!
Remember, it's OK to be angry. It's what you do with it that counts.
Instead of doing the same negative response all the time, increase the number of your anger responses.
Make more of your anger responses healthy.
Decrease your anger responses that hurt you or others.
Move your anger responses to ones which empower you.