Hugs and handshakes

[that_guy]

Shaking hands for me is seen as the default greeting between two aquantances that I always go along with when someone extends their hand and sometimes initate depending on the circumstance. There is a lot of information that can be recieved based on grip, eye contact, and length of exchange although I think its important to keep an open mind while trying to read all the signals you receive from these interactions. Two people exhibiting the same characteristics may be doing so for very different reasons.

Hugging on the other hand I reserve for close personal friends and family. I always hug someone back if they move in which at times is mildly uncomfortable for me when I do not feel close to the person. I do this to avoid creating an akward situation but am not sure what is worse. Should I stand limp while they hug me or give an inauthentic hug back? I always return the hug but there is something that doesn't feel right about it. It may be part of my programming since neither one of my parents were very huggy people except for with close friends and family.

One physical interaction that particularly bothers me though is absolute strangers touching me. I recently had a man working in a diner approach me from behind and grab me by the arm above my elbow reasonably firm. He wanted me to move over in the hallway waiting for a table but I found this gesture inappropriate for some reason. I thought there were a lot of other ways for his goal to be communicated as I would have abliged. Then today the owner of a restaurant I frequent came up from behind while I was sitting at the bar and put his hand on my back which also made me uncomfortable. I think he was just being friendly as he introduced himself immeadiately after and made small talk. Something definitely goes off in me when bodily contact is made by strangers without my agreement though. I have always responded to these types of interactions the same way internally and on occasion explain to the strangers that it makes me uncomfortable and not to do it again. I think this may be an example of a program I am running about my personal space that I need to do more work on. It may be my self importance showing through but where do you draw the line?

 

[seekr]

I'm from USA and although not all Americans hug as a greeting, I came up in the "Biker" community where the the hug also counts as a "pat down" to determine if weapons are .

I hug my children and my close friends on a regular but others is simply a hand shake, although many deals in the South are conducted simply on a shake. It still works in some areas

 

[Voyageur]

Growing up in French Quebec culture, hugging seemed the norm, however after moving to more Anglicized provinces this became recognized less and less. Today it seems only of family and close friends.

Curiously, sometime ago, the subject of hugging came up and it was observed that many people automatically enact the hug on the Right side more times than not. In this discussion, the Right side represented liver to liver, in a toxic sense, and the left side was heart to heart, in a feeling sense. So when people approach to hug, if you go to the left side you may notice people get confused with this change of pattern, like when two people meet on a crowded sidewalk and can’t decide which side to pass – thus a type of dance ensues.

On hand shakes, this has been talked about well here, sometimes friend of our child greet us or at least each other in the most confusing ways, with many variations of hand. Another thing besides the greeting handshake was in growing up, when handshakes cemented agreements – a physical word of honour, a pen was not the important part; this seems more and more lost now for the most part. A couple of years ago bought a really old tractor from a farmer down the road; he had it for sale on the highway. We agreed on a price and future delivery and made the agreement by hand in a laissez-faire manner. He had many other people stop and offer more money, but we had agreed in this old way.

It is imagined that now in modern big-business, the act is more likely to be one of “shaking hands with the devil” because if there are no pens and lawyers involved, a hand shake means nothing.

Six year ago we hired a realtor to sell our place and had agreed to buy another. In pen and in handshake, agreements were made. The Mrs. one day was in the hardware store and unbeknownst to the other overheard our very relator trying to make a deal with the owner of the store on the house we had already made an offer upon conditions. When realization of my partners presents was made the realtor went white as a ghost. Both parties thereafter let the realtor contracts expire and we made a handshake agreement together; to conclusion - big lesson there for both of us.

 

[Jefferson]

Hugs are just great - I give them willingly and receive them willingly. If you see me, feel free to hug me! I've been working in France several times so the kiss greeting works and also working in Belgium so the Belgian style kiss works for me too - I am not uncomfortable in close proximity with my fellow humans.

When working with people from Arabic cultures in my previous work, I had no trouble with these guys coming 10cm from your face to talk about some deals. Most people from western countries would move back - I didn't mind studying the back of his molars what he had for breakfast while some 'strategy' talk ensued :) I think this is something that is also learned from experience.

Part of me feels that we humans could touch each other a bit more, of course non suggestively, it tends to give a feeling of closeness, kinship, and 'soft sense of humanity' in a hardening world.

There is a study of "proxemics" or the distance people keep from each other, and it's quite interesting. Proxemics has come up some of the intercultural studies seminars I've kept. Greetings are part of this.

When I move in towards someone I feel like giving a hug, I do that very brief check and I can tell if they are receptive or not - some guys that I haven't seen for awhile are uncomfortable with it, so I will move in, shake their hand, when they are a bit taken aback when I move in a bit, I just take my other hand to touch their other arm and move back a bit, relaxed, smiling and so forth, and usually those "non huggers" smile with relief that I didn't hug them :) So you kind of learn to read people.

Just this past weekend I saw, on 2 different occasions, 2 of my previous female students from some 5 years ago, and it just felt natural, appropriate and good to hug They told me how much they liked my classes back in the old days so getting a bit of an ego stroke felt good too, I just remembered not to identify :D I told them how I appreciated the group and it was easy to be with them. (btw I did not let any 'old perv' program run or anything and didn't ask for numbers or whatever so just a hug ).