I always feel a need to teach what I just learned

[davey72]

Wow. I thank you Alana for the insight. It seems that i need to start thinking a lot deeper if i am going to interject in a conversation.As soon as i read what you said i realized that i have read it a few times on the cass site,and yet i am still struggling to not only put it into practice,but clear the cobwebs off my mind enough to remember the advice which seems like common sense when i first read it.
I hope that makes some sort of sense,as i am new to the forum,and i am new at expressing myself. Thank you.
Dingo,sorry to interrupt,and i will just read from now on unless i really have something intelligent to say.

 

[tridean]

Thanks all for the responses. My whole issue of wanting to share is actually not confined to the Cass material, its all over the place as I mentioned in my first post, and in actual fact, I have less of an issue with it when it comes to Cass material, than I do with other things, which I think has to do with the fact that you can't share something with another person unless they are first on some sort of similar wavelength, for example, politics etc as opposed to talking about 4th density

But, I would like to report at least some progress. After posting my most recent post here, I have been catching myself now and resisting the normal reactions, and I've been feeling somewhat liberated yet also, restrictive, the two feelings don't occur at the same time, one follows the other, but I am noticing it and not reacting as normal.

The liberating feeling is attached to the realization that I have been able to stop myself, be aware of what is happening. The restrictive feeling comes after as I feel urges to respond but then I am able to observe this too which prevents me responding.

Now, the job is as Alana says

And Dingo, i know how disappointing it is to watch yourself do something and feel how difficult (sometimes even painful) it is to just say "now i'll change!" and fail to do so. As if we are not in charge of ourselves, no? ;) But keep observing yourself, your urges and it will become easier, i promise. Often, when we decide to make an internal change, our false personality/programs, stage a revolt and make it even harder to implement the change we want to. Pay attention to exactly how you are feeling when you try to control your urge to tell, and note the emotions in your heart at that moment. Allow then that emotion to take you back in time and see where it originates: what does that discomfort/pain/negative feeling remind you of? Have you felt it at any point in your life before? When? Where? How old where you? This way you will find the unconscious program in you that does the most resisting to change and bring it to consciousness, thus placing it under your control instead of it controlling you.

Do not lose heart Dingo, persevere!

Is it the urges to share, speak out etc, that I should be focusing on more, or is it the restrictive feelings I feel when I resist the urges? Or is it both?

Thanks :)

 

[davey72]

Thank goodness for this forum. I wish i had looked into it sooner.

 

[gaman]

I am glad you brought this topic up, Dingo. The advice given here has reinforced some things for me that I have tried to work on in the past but somehow mostly forgotten!

 

[Alana]

Wow. I thank you Alana for the insight. It seems that i need to start thinking a lot deeper if i am going to interject in a conversation.As soon as i read what you said i realized that i have read it a few times on the cass site,and yet i am still struggling to not only put it into practice,but clear the cobwebs off my mind enough to remember the advice which seems like common sense when i first read it.
I hope that makes some sort of sense,as i am new to the forum,and i am new at expressing myself. Thank you.
Dingo,sorry to interrupt,and i will just read from now on unless i really have something intelligent to say.

Davey, i don't think there's anything to feel sorry for. We all know that you are new here, and we appreciate the effort every new member makes to try to learn and understand alongside the rest of us. When new members join and introduce themselves, one of the moderators gives them the "Welcome to the Forum" post, which contains all the information that is important to read in order to understand where everyone else here is standing and to understand the basic concepts we discuss. Of course we know that it will take a while for our new members to read them, as we also understand the urgency to start interacting in the discussions. But the comments or questions of new members, when sincere and looking to get to the truth of a matter, often offer answers that are helpful to others too. And the more you read from the "Welcome info" post, the more you will learn and be able to offer help back, yourself

But, I would like to report at least some progress. After posting my most recent post here, I have been catching myself now and resisting the normal reactions, and I've been feeling somewhat liberated yet also, restrictive, the two feelings don't occur at the same time, one follows the other, but I am noticing it and not reacting as normal.

The liberating feeling is attached to the realization that I have been able to stop myself, be aware of what is happening. The restrictive feeling comes after as I feel urges to respond but then I am able to observe this too which prevents me responding.

Is it the urges to share, speak out etc, that I should be focusing on more, or is it the restrictive feelings I feel when I resist the urges? Or is it both?

By becoming aware and observing the urge, not only it will prevent you from reacting, as you have noticed yourself, but within it the urge will hold the "story" of where it comes from. For example, I found that one of the reasons i wanted to share what i learned was because it would make me look smart/intelligent to the eyes of those i was conversing with. At any rate, it would get me attention, especially if it was something "alternative" i was sharing. But why did i want to get attention by acting smart? This question led me to childhood, where attention was hard to get from my parents, as they were both very focused on their own issues and were neglecting the emotional needs of their children, so i had to compete my brother with smartness and cuteness to get my share of it.

And this is just my example. For you, it might be something else. Most - if not all - of our programs are made in childhood though. Just ask yourself "what will i get out of saying what i feel an urge to say right now?" and you might be able to find out.

The restrictive feeling comes because you haven't done what "it" wants to do ("it" being your false personality and programs). Once you answer the question above, see the origins of your programs and begin to give your inner child yourself what it needed and didn't get back then, the restrictive feeling will fade.

And this is just my understanding so far. I hope it makes sense.

 

[Jeremy F Kreuz]

Hi Dingo,

Is it the urges to share, speak out etc, that I should be focusing on more, or is it the restrictive feelings I feel when I resist the urges? Or is it both?

As far as I can grasp for the moment it seems to be both. Try to catch the moment you feel the urge and then focus on the feelings it provokes. What do they provoke? What happens when you resist?

Me too I am struggling with this urge to tell others what I know. I found that one of my programs is to isolate myself when being in groups, which is the first step in setting the stage of giving the impression that I am somebody special, somebody who is above the chitchat of weather, sports and the latest gadget. After a while, when I assume people have gotten this message, I will watch for the opportune moment to steer with some ´smart remark´ the conversation to ´a more important issue´. Soon after I will then start to monopolize the conversation and divulge in ´impressive knowledge´, leaving many listeners scared. This tactic seems to me now a method I used to feed upon others.

I have started to act by trying to participate in the general conversation and secondly really listen to what people want to share. In fact I learn much more from listening and asking questions then in trying to be important. The urge to direct I actively chose not to indulge in (and I fail in it on many occasions) If by chance in the conversation somebody asks something and I am able to give some meaningful answer I will do so. Thanks to the active listening I might have gauged prior to the question to what level the person(s) are ready to hear something.

quote from Alana

By becoming aware and observing the urge, not only it will prevent you from reacting, as you have noticed yourself, but within it the urge will hold the "story" of where it comes from. For example, I found that one of the reasons i wanted to share what i learned was because it would make me look smart/intelligent to the eyes of those i was conversing with. At any rate, it would get me attention, especially if it was something "alternative" i was sharing. But why did i want to get attention by acting smart? This question led me to childhood, where attention was hard to get from my parent

In my childhood I was pushed by my partents and school to be the smartest. So that was what I tried to be. As there is no limit in being the smartest, I obviously failed to be the smartest and needed to hide this failure by at least pretending to be the smartest: not participating in chit chat and divulge in exotic talk that scared people.

take care

 

[tridean]

And this is just my example. For you, it might be something else. Most - if not all - of our programs are made in childhood though. Just ask yourself "what will i get out of saying what i feel an urge to say right now?" and you might be able to find out.

Yes, I have been asking this and paying attention to the feelings a lot more, but have to say, other than what many have said, the need to feel important etc, I can't seem to find any other reason, so maybe that is it.

In my childhood, it was a similar story, my parents had their own issues. They were very protective of us, but lived by the, 'seen not heard' motto. I remember the first time I told my Dad, that he said we could talk about our problems but that in reality we never felt we could (and this occurred at a time when he was basically contradicting himself, hence my chance to tell him), but it took massive amount of courage. He did not respond, however he was driving which gave him an easy escape I guess.

I remember as I grew older and left home I would seek out people to debate with, especially if I was drinking. I didn't like fighting, but loved debating and would love to challenge all and sundry if I could. As my drinking got worse though, the debating turned more into demanding that I be heard and agreed with!

Me too I am struggling with this urge to tell others what I know. I found that one of my programs is to isolate myself when being in groups, which is the first step in setting the stage of giving the impression that I am somebody special, somebody who is above the chitchat of weather, sports and the latest gadget. After a while, when I assume people have gotten this message, I will watch for the opportune moment to steer with some ´smart remark´ the conversation to ´a more important issue´. Soon after I will then start to monopolize the conversation and divulge in ´impressive knowledge´, leaving many listeners scared. This tactic seems to me now a method I used to feed upon others.

I have started to act by trying to participate in the general conversation and secondly really listen to what people want to share. In fact I learn much more from listening and asking questions then in trying to be important. The urge to direct I actively chose not to indulge in (and I fail in it on many occasions) If by chance in the conversation somebody asks something and I am able to give some meaningful answer I will do so. Thanks to the active listening I might have gauged prior to the question to what level the person(s) are ready to hear something.

Now-a-days, I have become very withdrawn from the social scene (preferring to venture online), only in the last year coming back out of my shell. Recently I was at a quiz night, and although I knew a couple of people there, the majority I did not know, and MAN, did I struggle to keep up with peoples conversations. Even my wife noticed it. Not only do I struggle to talk about general chitchat as you say Jeremy, but as soon as there is more than one conversation going on, I am so aware of not trying to look aloof, that I am darting around the table trying to catch a conversation to get on board, but it is so hard! One guy there was to me, a little more intellectual and maybe philosophical, seemed to have a bit more of knowledge of things, and talk a bit above and beyond, TV and weather, and it was when we both happened to be in the toilet I commended him on his knowledge of things. It was obvious to me, that if given the chance, I could have spoken to him all night and nobody else.

Anyway, I have digressed a little.

I don't think I have had a moment where I've been able to say with much certainty that I know where a programme was born in my childhood, nor what it must feel like when one does discovers this.

[quote author=Alana]The restrictive feeling comes because you haven't done what "it" wants to do ("it" being your false personality and programs). Once you answer the question above, see the origins of your programs and begin to give your inner child yourself what it needed and didn't get back then, the restrictive feeling will fade. [/quote]

Am I to expect anything from making this connection? Does it have its own feeling? How do you give your inner child what it was not given before?

Thanks again
Dean

 

[Jeremy F Kreuz]

Hi dingo,

Am I to expect anything from making this connection? Does it have its own feeling? How do you give your inner child what it was not given before?

I you have not read the thread ´Healing the inner child´, it might be of interest to you.

take care

 

[truth seeker]

Am I to expect anything from making this connection? Does it have its own feeling? How do you give your inner child what it was not given before?

Not sure if you've seen this thread, but perhaps it may help. :)

 

[Buddy]

I can't seem to find any other reason, so maybe that is it.

As Alana mentioned, this may go back to childhood. This is the case in my experience, as I share below:


When I first arrived on the forum, I had similar tendencies. I pretty much acted as I did in my personal life. I would actually get excited that someone was asking a question that I could answer (or so I thought) by just copying and pasting something I read, or recalling something from memory. Unfortunantly, I was still way less than mature in many areas and although some friendliness and enthusiasm may have come across at some times, there was some impatience and arrogance at others, as I notice in retrospect, from the point of view of my own life experience.

When I finally learned to use some self-discipline and observe my self, I learned that while the manifestation of this trait could be complex at times, the cause was relatively simple.

First, I realized that I was feeling a kind of excitement or enthusiasm. There was a impulse to 'get it out' which I looked at as a desire to externalize what was going on internally. IOW, I needed to cancel the internal pressure by externalizing what was going on.

I saw it as the same order of phenomenon of most all the internal considerings that appear to make us mechanically give in to the impulses we feel in order to continue the chains of associations that relieve the internal pressure and let us feel like we're choosing our own actions, OSIT.

Even though I felt like I had accurately conceptualized my observations there was still something missing. I could not find the source of "the program". I had traced things down as far as I could but always ran into a dead end. I couldn't find anything in my experience that would explain this behavior as 'programming'.

Around about this time, I was reading a bunch of Sufi stories, poems and such, when I ran across a "Sufi saying."

It went something like: "I had the desire to teach, therefore I stopped teaching until I could become mature enough to do it properly and fulfill my responsibilities to my students."

It took awhile for this to sink in, but when it did I immediately saw the application from the perspective of my recapitulations of childhood.

As a child, we do get excited when we "learn things" and we love to pass it on to our peers to show how smart we are and to just generally express enthusiasm and "be sociable", OSIT. As kids, though, we rarely have sufficient depth of understanding to realize how superficial is a lot of our 'knowledge'; i.e, we don't really "embody it" yet, do we?

So, that's what I decided as far as how the practice relates to me (up to this point). It was just a normal part of 'not yet fully mature' development - a kid's eye view - of a particular context of information. I'm not saying the person is generally immature, although that may well apply to some people, I'm saying that some subject areas and contexts (understanding) can be less than fully developed (immature), while others can be very well developed from learning and experience, and the social aspect of networking (conventional or Work-related situations) is simply conducive to "letting it flow" until we learn to conserve energy.

At least, that's my current understanding.

Well, I'd like to report it is extremely difficult and frustrating. I shouldn't be, but I am amazed at how difficult it is. I am getting to the point where I feel the only way to stop these urges is to remove myself from my computer, any TV, and news, any social interactions. It just seems especially recently, that my buttons are continuously being pushed, even though I know it is not intentional, nevertheless they are more so than I can remember, especially in the area of politics, seeing as we just had an election.

May I suggest that this discomfort is nothing more than the physical and emotional centers shadowing the intellectual?"
When you feel this way, you are first confused intellectually, then the emotional and physical fall in line, although that may not be the actual order in which it happens; i.e., you don't "know the proper answer" and you feel a bit helpless to recover the stability you had when you just "knew" the truth of something.

If this is the case, then you just need to deepen your understanding until you actually "embody" the knowledge, that's all. And perhaps conserve your energy until you do.

fwiw

 

[Alana]

I was also going to post the same link that Jeremy F Kreuz and Seeking Truth have posted for you, Dingo.

Also, i made an observation that might help you a bit. I noticed that here and in threads that you posted in previous times, you are asking for answers that you could find out on your own if you searched the forum. Like this latter inner child question for example, which is a subject dealt with few times on the forum. This seems to be a pattern of your personality that contrasts the one you mention here: that you share what you learn so that you look smart. When i noticed this, it occurred to me that it might be possible that your "looking smart" persona is developed in order to hide the inner child's feelings of neediness, of which you might be ashamed of or embarrassed about (all this on an unconscious level of course). By asking us questions about subjects you could search for on your own, and us answering them, you might be recreating a wish you had in childhood: to be nurtured, taken care of, given attention and given to by your parents.

I don't know if my observation and subsequent thinking is anywhere close to the truth. Let me know when you think about it, ok? Also, have you been able to read Martha Stout's, Myth of Sanity? It provides excellent examples of how as children we experience traumas and learn to dissociate from our feelings at that early age.

 

[tridean]

I can't seem to find any other reason, so maybe that is it.

As Alana mentioned, this may go back to childhood. This is the case in my experience, as I share below:


When I first arrived on the forum, I had similar tendencies. I pretty much acted as I did in my personal life. I would actually get excited that someone was asking a question that I could answer (or so I thought) by just copying and pasting something I read, or recalling something from memory. Unfortunantly, I was still way less than mature in many areas and although some friendliness and enthusiasm may have come across at some times, there was some impatience and arrogance at others, as I notice in retrospect, from the point of view of my own life experience.

When I finally learned to use some self-discipline and observe my self, I learned that while the manifestation of this trait could be complex at times, the cause was relatively simple.

First, I realized that I was feeling a kind of excitement or enthusiasm. There was a impulse to 'get it out' which I looked at as a desire to externalize what was going on internally. IOW, I needed to cancel the internal pressure by externalizing what was going on.

I saw it as the same order of phenomenon of most all the internal considerings that appear to make us mechanically give in to the impulses we feel in order to continue the chains of associations that relieve the internal pressure and let us feel like we're choosing our own actions, OSIT.

Even though I felt like I had accurately conceptualized my observations there was still something missing. I could not find the source of "the program". I had traced things down as far as I could but always ran into a dead end. I couldn't find anything in my experience that would explain this behavior as 'programming'.

Around about this time, I was reading a bunch of Sufi stories, poems and such, when I ran across a "Sufi saying."

It went something like: "I had the desire to teach, therefore I stopped teaching until I could become mature enough to do it properly and fulfill my responsibilities to my students."

It took awhile for this to sink in, but when it did I immediately saw the application from the perspective of my recapitulations of childhood.

As a child, we do get excited when we "learn things" and we love to pass it on to our peers to show how smart we are and to just generally express enthusiasm and "be sociable", OSIT. As kids, though, we rarely have sufficient depth of understanding to realize how superficial is a lot of our 'knowledge'; i.e, we don't really "embody it" yet, do we?

So, that's what I decided as far as how the practice relates to me (up to this point). It was just a normal part of 'not yet fully mature' development - a kid's eye view - of a particular context of information. I'm not saying the person is generally immature, although that may well apply to some people, I'm saying that some subject areas and contexts (understanding) can be less than fully developed (immature), while others can be very well developed from learning and experience, and the social aspect of networking (conventional or Work-related situations) is simply conducive to "letting it flow" until we learn to conserve energy.

At least, that's my current understanding.

Well, I'd like to report it is extremely difficult and frustrating. I shouldn't be, but I am amazed at how difficult it is. I am getting to the point where I feel the only way to stop these urges is to remove myself from my computer, any TV, and news, any social interactions. It just seems especially recently, that my buttons are continuously being pushed, even though I know it is not intentional, nevertheless they are more so than I can remember, especially in the area of politics, seeing as we just had an election.

May I suggest that this discomfort is nothing more than the physical and emotional centers shadowing the intellectual?"
When you feel this way, you are first confused intellectually, then the emotional and physical fall in line, although that may not be the actual order in which it happens; i.e., you don't "know the proper answer" and you feel a bit helpless to recover the stability you had when you just "knew" the truth of something.

If this is the case, then you just need to deepen your understanding until you actually "embody" the knowledge, that's all. And perhaps conserve your energy until you do.

fwiw

Thanks Bud, it makes sense and I think Alana's post adds to this

I was also going to post the same link that Jeremy F Kreuz and Seeking Truth have posted for you, Dingo.

Also, i made an observation that might help you a bit. I noticed that here and in threads that you posted in previous times, you are asking for answers that you could find out on your own if you searched the forum. Like this latter inner child question for example, which is a subject dealt with few times on the forum. This seems to be a pattern of your personality that contrasts the one you mention here: that you share what you learn so that you look smart. When i noticed this, it occurred to me that it might be possible that your "looking smart" persona is developed in order to hide the inner child's feelings of neediness, of which you might be ashamed of or embarrassed about (all this on an unconscious level of course). By asking us questions about subjects you could search for on your own, and us answering them, you might be recreating a wish you had in childhood: to be nurtured, taken care of, given attention and given to by your parents.

I don't know if my observation and subsequent thinking is anywhere close to the truth. Let me know when you think about it, ok? Also, have you been able to read Martha Stout's, Myth of Sanity? It provides excellent examples of how as children we experience traumas and learn to dissociate from our feelings at that early age.

Hi Alana,
I've thought about this for a few days now, and I think you may be right. Although I will also put some of it down to laziness, as I find searching the forum to be a bit of a labyrinth, and I fear that I will not find the latest most important info or that what I find may be outdated - especially in the 'health' section.

But, on the main theme I think it is quite probable that this is what is going on. Just today, I had an emotional bout because it felt like someone had put something else before me, and this has been common for me to react this way. I laid down and allowed the emotion to sit, I tried the ideas I read in the 'inner child' thread, and it seemed that what came out of it was a child who had the sole attention of his mum when he was young, only to have to share it with his brother and then sister not long after. I was 18 months old when my brother was born. Because Dad was not around much (according to my mum) I may have needed my mum even more, or clinged to her more and then this was taken away obviously when my brother was born, and again when my sister was born. I tried to act as the parent and tell my child it was all ok, and then form somewhere came this 'I don't need them anymore'. At this point I felt a kind of steely strength, that what was just said was right, that I don't need my mum anymore. However, I also at this point felt that I was not sure what was now fueling this steely strength, whether it was pride or ego. I am not sure.

I also have had to come to grips in recent times of my need to have the last say. A friend of mine, who is fast becoming a real true friend is the first person who in a long time has been challenging me at this, which is good. Playing golf yesterday, he pushed some buttons of mine that really set me off. A few holes later I admitted to him that although it is uncomfortable, I thanked him for challenging me, to make me realize I don't have to have the last say.

It seems that a lot of the problems I have mentioned in this thread may all be related possibly. The need to teach, to have the last say, to look smart, to be noticed....I shall keep updating as I hopefully discover more

Yes, I have read Myth of Sanity. I may have to read it again.

Thanks

 

[Menna]

Sharing Ideas and knowledge with others I think is a transfer of energy. When I tell someone something about the work or bring up an idea that revolves around the work I feel energized like energy is coming out of me. Is this because we need to feel this energy, we feel uncomfortable with all this energy inside us and feel the need to let it out. How can we increase our energy storage in our bodies so that we don't feel the need to transfer energy?

 

[Smallwood]

This is a strong program for me as well. Thanks for anart and Bud for explaining it in terms that are understandable. I only realize it because I read it here, I'm way behind on actually trying to observe myself (one excuse is that I've had a lot of trouble wrapping my head around just what the programs are, though I think nowadays I have a better idea, another is that it is such a gargantuan task to self-remember!).

Edit: That I haven't had the correct idea of a program might sound odd since they are pretty well explained by Laura in The Wave. But a likely explanation for this is that whenever the writing on a book or a website turns into subjects that I'm not into intellectually, for some reason my mind just shuts off and fails to connect the all important dots. I've seen others here describe the same and yet I only now realize that it applies to me as well. It's as if I haven't been paying very much attention...

 

[tridean]

This is a strong program for me as well. Thanks for anart and Bud for explaining it in terms that are understandable. I only realize it because I read it here, I'm way behind on actually trying to observe myself (one excuse is that I've had a lot of trouble wrapping my head around just what the programs are, though I think nowadays I have a better idea, another is that it is such a gargantuan task to self-remember!).

Edit: That I haven't had the correct idea of a program might sound odd since they are pretty well explained by Laura in The Wave. But a likely explanation for this is that whenever the writing on a book or a website turns into subjects that I'm not into intellectually, for some reason my mind just shuts off and fails to connect the all important dots. I've seen others here describe the same and yet I only now realize that it applies to me as well. It's as if I haven't been paying very much attention...

Thanks Smallwood. One thing I have been doing is more of a journal, especially when these urges get strong and emotional. I either write down the very thing that I was wanting to blurt out to the world in some way or fashion, or sometimes, if I can recognize and label the emotion behind it, I will write about that, although I am still very early in this process.

As for connecting the dots, and this is actually off tangent for what you were referring to, I feel I am starting to connect some dots in relation to a lot of things, where this particular program is but one spoke of the wheel. There is a time line I have almost drawn where I am young and questioning everything but my main subjects of analysis and criticism were my parents, being the closest to me and I declared to them at 14, I will not be like you...then I left home and my parents moved interstate, a close friend tells me not long after I have changed and he doesn't like the new me...i meet someone and we have a child, but there is no real love in this relationship, she is obviously a crutch or replacement of some sort (obviously I wasn't even remotely aware of this at the time)...it was also around this time that I get heavily into drugs and drink and then something bad happens, something that will later haunt me...Not long after I turn into a "I'm gonna change this world" type hero and my knowledge of the medical establishments hypocrisy, the governments hypocrisy, the slavery to the banks, the trap of the rat race, the inability of those around me to "question" their misery becomes my calling card, the things I want to talk about around the BBQ and bonfire, not stupid TV shows, girls or cars.....I then leave my ever exhausting relationship, move to the city, only to become depressed from being alone...Out of frustration, I declared I wanted to meet someone who I would live the rest of my life with and described her to a couple of close friends, all the details of her, I even mentioned that I would NOT meet her in a bar.....one to two months later I met her in a BAR!!!!!! and she was everything I had described to my friends (one told me later it was his eeriest moment of his life)...I thought I was happy, we had two kids together and I became all of that which I declared to my parents I would not...but my depression gets worse based on my inability to determine what it is I am supposed to do with my life...I get involved in Amway and the first cracks appear in our relationship (I have since left and it lasted a short but horrible time)....then I found Cassiopea and started reading the Wave and ISOTM...not long after my wife and I separate and it crushes me to the bone...the feeling of loneliness I felt at that point reminded me of being in a concrete coffin with no way out, yet I have never been in one before...the path of self discovery and program busting becomes more about getting out of this concrete coffin than about just "doing the work"...I then realize my body in some parts has not been working properly for many many years, even after spending years claiming to everyone that health is in the mind...I save my marriage by admitting many of my wrongs and learning to be more humble...I start to open up to the fact that because my youngest son has ACC, that he needs me in this vicious world more than anything...I start to see a sense of purpose for myself and alas I start to recognize the programs running in me more often, but still not knowing why they occur...I still have bouts of depression, but it is no longer a constant thing, but a cyclical thing where the depression becomes severe and debilitating to the point of being bed ridden and howling to be followed by days of being content and happy and motivated...i start to wonder if I am just a narcissist who doesn't like being one and is doing everything in his power to stop being one...i start to see how I have become afraid of myself..i do not like who I am, yet when suicide plagues me, thinking of my son stops it in its tracks as if my son is more important than I..............I now realize my journey has only really just begun