I keep slipping

[Helle]

Also, maybe you are feeling helpless and demotivated because of a particular food you are eating? Just a thought.

Absolutely yes. I get serious brainfog /depression when eating gluten and sugar. I KNOW that. And I still sometimes find myself eating it.

Do you know why you are manipulating yourself? As far as I understand it, you eat most of the time healthy (no gluten, dairy etc.) and sometimes it happens that you eat gluten for example?
To me it sounds like and I'm eventually wrong, if you are sitting on the fence?

I'm not even on the fence, I'm hiding behind it. - And getting pretty tired of hiding :)

Just wondering, did something in particular (home life, kids, etc.) happen recently to prompt you to post this?

It's been a growing feeling of being unsatisfied with my own efforts. - And I had a dream about Laura, where she scolded me, with a lifted finger and all. She said I needed to take some serious action, because I'm running out of 'time'. I was SO embarrassed (still am, cuz she's right!)

You have no idea how much I understand your situation. In itself, not being able to share something that matters so much to you with someone that matters so much to you is agonizing (at least in my experience).

Yes. The feeling of being alone, is the worst in my case.

What would happen if you "went all the way"? Is there anything in such a scenario that you fear or is it just too much with everything else that is going on?

I think the fear itself is worse, than it would actually be. I think my husband would accept my choice of diet / beliefs / anything, because he's very supportive of me being happy. It's ME that's blocking me. I can't DO it alone. Fix special foods for me, mornings, lunch and dinner. I HATE to cook, and I'm lazy. - And then I use the excuse, that it's not the body that counts, but the soul. (no bodycentrics need apply :) ) I know in my mind, that I need to detox and stay clear in my brain! But the struggle is almost more than I can handle, so maybe it's blocking me from some important work on myself.

Hello Helle,

I know how you feel. I too have setbacks and slip from time to time. I just try to refocus and work on myself again. I sometimes feel guilty too for something I have eaten that I know isn't good for me, or for not doing EE as much as I can. That little voice starts nagging in the back of my head that ""oh well, you screwed it all up, whats the point in trying?" But I keep going and trying and working on myself. Just know that you are not alone.

Glad to see that you are back!

Thanks :) I feel a bit less alone now!

Maybe giving your husband that extra 20% or even 10% isn't so bad if it means keeping the relationship stable for the sake of your family? Consider that extra energy as investment in External Consideration.

Yes, I've been thinking that too. And I thought that if he saw me improve my health and happiness, that would be the best statement I can make. Slipping and eating pizza, is kinda embarrassing in that respect for me though.

I think a change of focus might help. It can be incredibly powerful. Just as you are hard on yourself, you can choose to stop that behaviour and instead appreciate that you ARE already doing 80% of what you want to do. Isn't that something? The negative self-judging mind chatter is a pretty ingrained program in most of us.

Ya, it's a program I'm not sure how to get rid of :/

Helle, I was wondering the same thing. 80% doesn't sound that bad at all, considering everything you juggle in your daily life. Yet, it is when you start talking about lacking support within your family, the frustration is palpable, as if something has got to you just recently, some sort of a last straw. Perhaps, with more information on the table, others will be able to better advise you. In any case, we are with you, and very glad to see you posting again!

Well it's like a booming voice in me shouting 'enough is enough goddammit!! I'm just so tired of me.. I'm so tired of the struggle. I know I need to put in a supereffort though, but I'm not as strong as I would like.

I'll keep on fighting though, I already got a long way ! I got my 2 sons ADHD diagnose taken away from the psychiatrists, with just a small change in their diet, HUGE celebration that day :)
- And I don't HAVE a choice really. I need to move forward, and maybe stop being so harsh on me.

 

[Gawan]

I think a change of focus might help. It can be incredibly powerful. Just as you are hard on yourself, you can choose to stop that behaviour and instead appreciate that you ARE already doing 80% of what you want to do. Isn't that something? The negative self-judging mind chatter is a pretty ingrained program in most of us.

Ya, it's a program I'm not sure how to get rid of :/

Maybe it would help you to have an aim? For example do changes for yourself or for your kids! And have you read the big5 psychology books yet?

And in that respect:

I need to move forward, and maybe stop being so harsh on me.

:)

 

[axj]

I think a change of focus might help. It can be incredibly powerful. Just as you are hard on yourself, you can choose to stop that behaviour and instead appreciate that you ARE already doing 80% of what you want to do. Isn't that something? The negative self-judging mind chatter is a pretty ingrained program in most of us.

Ya, it's a program I'm not sure how to get rid of :/

Well, there is a short-term solution and a long-term solution against this program.

For short term, it helps recognizing every instance of negative self-judging mind chatter and using your Will to stop it. It can also help writing down all those negative self-judgements, either here as you have been doing or on a piece of paper, as this makes this habitual program more transparent. This in turn lessens its grip on you.

The longer term solution is the emotional healing, as many of these mental programs are there as a way to avoid facing the emotional pain and suffering.

 

[Johnno]

It's quite interesting to experience those forces or laws that act upon you to get you back where you were.

If you realise you are slipping, it is in some way some sort of progress. Compared to where you were, you're still in front....and you realise you are slipping compared to having no idea that you were in a way a walking automation before. The thing is to somehow dig deep and keep actively push against the sometimes very strong pull to go back to the way things were.

I've actually been through this a few times, the world out there exhausting me enough to not have much left.

 

[aragorn]

Hi Helle, it's good to see you posting again! :)

I think that all of us who have children know how extremely demanding it can be to keep up with th work. We had our second child 5 weeks ago, a girl, and it has naturally made things even more difficult. On the other hand I've noticed how constant participation - even if it some days can be non existent - has made it easier to use the little time I have to do something useful (related to the Work). I think it's like a muscle: if you train it only a little per 'session', and do it every day, there will be development.

We just discussed these matters with my wife yesterday. She didn't like the fact that I sometimes check the forum while playing or cuddling with my children (I use the mobile for this-not close to their bodies though). I think she's absolutely right, I sometimes go too far in my 'trying to make use of every little possibility to check the forum' - thing.

I wish you strength in your struggle, upwards and onwards!

 

[Helle]

The thing is to somehow dig deep and keep actively push against the sometimes very strong pull to go back to the way things were.

Yes, the more aware I get, the more I have to struggle. Will it ever end?
I guess it's also a form of selfremembering, when I have to actively, every hour of my waking hours, make the firm decision to live and eat in a certain way. These few days after posting here again, has been somewhat easier, knowing that I AM not alone. It's a challenge I WANT TO conquer, and now I actually believe that I can, that's a big difference from just last week, when I thought I couldn't do more.

I wish you strength in your struggle, upwards and onwards!

Thanks :) - And the same to you. :)

Maybe it would help you to have an aim? For example do changes for yourself or for your kids! And have you read the big5 psychology books yet?

My aim is my diet and my EE. I really want to do this 100% !

About the big 5, I only read the first one, which helped me a lot. The rest is on my 'to buy' list.

 

[tom32071]

Hi Helle, it sounds to me like you are really doing fairly well. I have some of the same problems as you and am not doing nearly as much. Every now and then I'll beat myself up and get going again but eventually I slow back down again. It's a constant battle to try to keep going. It can be really difficult when your spouse thinks it's silly and there is no one around of a like mind. Ah well, just keep up the good fight. :)

 

[Al Today]

knowing that I AM not alone.

Yes, know that YOU are not alone... Your posts GIVE much needed energy into this network. What you have to say, may help another. And others WANT to help you.
and BTW, 'Tis good to "see" you again...

 

[Gawan]

About the big 5, I only read the first one, which helped me a lot. The rest is on my 'to buy' list.

I assume that it has been "Myth of sanity"? In another recommended book of the big5: Trapped in the mirror, Elan Golomb talks about the negative introject specifically, but you can also have a look here:

Negative Introject (from Chapter 18 in "Trapped in the Mirror)

fwiw

 

[3DStudent]

Thanks for posting this Helle and those who replied. And nice to see you post again. I can totally understand what you mean by falling and not doing 100%. Though I don't have children and it concerns emotional things and the Work for me.

Fix special foods for me, mornings, lunch and dinner. I HATE to cook, and I'm lazy.

I know you are probably stressed for time. But what I do for the cooking part is to cook nearly all my meals on one day and put them into jars or covered dishes. Then when I need them I can just take out a jar or scoop up some food and heat it up. It also helps to have things that don't need much cooking like cans of sardines. And buckwheat takes 15 minutes to cook.

Well it's like a booming voice in me shouting 'enough is enough goddammit!! I'm just so tired of me.. I'm so tired of the struggle. I know I need to put in a supereffort though, but I'm not as strong as I would like.

I know what you mean. I could have said it myself. But like others said, I think you are doing good at 80%. And are we ever where we totally want to be? There is always Work to be done. Though if you keep trying and pushing, you will get closer to a level that will satisfy you more, osit. Good luck.

 

[Rose]

Hi Helle,

just wanted to say that I find people like you to be very inspirational. I have a very hard time keeping up with the work, diet, ee... and I only have myself to look after. I couldn't imagine having to do all that and taking care of 3 kids at the same time! Being able to do it even 80% is IMO a huge accomplishment!

 

[Seamus]

I'm not living the way I feel I WANT to live 100%, only like 80% of my time. I eat healthy 80% of the time, I do my EE, 80% of the time. Everything is not quite 100%.

Hi Helle,

FWIW, I agree with what others have said, you could look at 80% as a real achievement and try to look at "getting to 100%" as a challenge. This strategy can be helpful when one is trying to shift one's perspective from "glass half empty" to "glass half full".

My participanse on the forum is close to 0% these days, so I thought that doing an effort to come back, would maybe help me with the other things. That might be wishful thinking, but I know, that sharing and participating will have a positive effect.

Are you feeling better since posting?

I keep sabotaging myself, and the worse I feel about that, the worse it gets. The guilt blocks me. The annoyance with myself blocks me too.

Something I have been working on for the last few weeks with my therapist and when I meditate when I catch myself in a self destructive loop like this is to try to focus on how the thoughts and feelings I'm caught up in feel in my body. For instance, if I feel irritated with myself I might try to stop whatever I'm doing, take some deep breaths and get in touch with what I feel physically. Often I find that my irritation or anger towards myself is covering a knot of fear in my stomach. Recognizing this usually helps me to stop beating myself up. This might help you, or not.

I need to move forward, and maybe stop being so harsh on me.

:)

Take care of yourself :)

 

[Helle]

About the big 5, I only read the first one, which helped me a lot. The rest is on my 'to buy' list.

I assume that it has been "Myth of sanity"? In another recommended book of the big5: Trapped in the mirror, Elan Golomb talks about the negative introject specifically, but you can also have a look here:

Negative Introject (from Chapter 18 in "Trapped in the Mirror)

fwiw

Yes, it is Myth of sanity I've read. Thanks for the link, will look at it, as soon as I can keep my eyes open for more than 2min. :) Not sure I'll manage to stay awake during Monday evenings EE today

Are you feeling better since posting?

Yesterday was better, today was really crappy foodwise (was at a seminar all day at work), but I've managed to be VERY present and aware about a lot of things today, so I've decided that tomorrow will be fabulous.

 

[Seamus]

Are you feeling better since posting?

Yesterday was better, today was really crappy foodwise (was at a seminar all day at work), but I've managed to be VERY present and aware about a lot of things today, so I've decided that tomorrow will be fabulous.

Great! :)


When I read your post I thought of this:

One thing I would highly recommend is that you keep a personal, hand-written journal. The act of writing down your thoughts and feelings and the goal you want to reach can be a very effective ally. There's something about writing down what you do and don't want to do, especially before sleeping, that sticks in your mind and is there with you the next morning and day. I'd give it a go if I were you.

I often try a similar strategy (decide that tomorrow will be a good day). If I write it down in a journal it seems to carry more weight, and it this helps me to maintain some momentum from day to day.

 

[rognaill]

Am I using my marriage/busy life as an excuse to not go 100%?

Greetings Helle,

I am probably more irregular than yourself on the forum but thought I would contribute some of my own observations as of late. I too have three kids (11,8,5) a very busy job and a recent break-up of my marraige of 12 years. So slightly different than your described situation.

This difference however is significant as I have been presented a very different perspective on my past failures, habits, programs and most importantly the view I hold of myself. Laura in a post I last contributed to mentioned how 'addicted' she saw she was to her ex, which set me off examining my own situation with this in mind. I found that I was very accomodating and a welcoming host for housing of my ex's prejiduces and beliefs of Laura's work with the C's. I consider myself lucky though that I did not 'believe' the same as my ex, and have known/believed with something deeper in my being that this work is valid for nearly 10 years now.

Still though harboring the negative views of my ex created a constant cycle of feeling bad about my own efforts, feeling anxious about when I would have time to Work plus the struggle or internal rebellion against my ex's bias in my own internal dialouge. Maintaining the facade of her reality kept my own experiancing of a truer reality from happening effectively.

Of course the only way for me to of seen this is by looking back and being out of the situation. Granted this new situation I am in, has plenty of work awaiting me with the pity parties and depression I fall into from not being around my kids, no more sex and being generally pretty lonely. But in hindsight, this is welcomed versus the very real stresses that were being applied to me on all levels in supressing my own self.

One thing to perhaps try is to focus on your own pre-programming and save the energy you use to internally consider what his motives/preprogramming/beliefs are. This perhaps could give you the extra boost so to speak to observe yourself in a different way. This refocusing could disrupt things of course, cutting off a food source to a self-depreciating program typically does it seems. But otherwise, how else would you be able to have enough energy to focus on your own self?

And as a relavent side note, when I was active in a Gurdjieff Foundation Work group, I had the opportunity to ask a long time student and group leader what it might be like to be present, to have fused centers, all the time. Very seriously he responded that that individual might be able to fly. While this created many more questions internally, it did put into perspective just how much is possible. Long road to go but as you advised; try to enjoy the ride!