Is it too late to start a university degree? And is there any point?

Congratulations, keyhole! It seems to me that this is another excellent example on how the universe works, opening doors when you least expect them. Great!
 
luc said:
Congratulations, keyhole! It seems to me that this is another excellent example on how the universe works, opening doors when you least expect them. Great!

Well guys, the universe really does seem to work in deceptive ways sometimes, and maybe there are some things that are simply too good to be true. Yesterday I quit the job and am currently jobless, and it is the best I have felt in weeks.

I have some confessions to make...Working this job seems to have actually had quite a destructive effect on my overall mental health, and I think for a while i had a kind of normalcy bias towards the dreadful situation I was actually in. A brief overview of what took place goes like this:

1. Long travel and inadequate sleep I was awake for 5:15am five days a week so my boss could pick me up at 5:40. One of the problems was that I would very rarely manage to get adequate sleep. There was roughly 2 hours daily travel to the job in a van, and 2 hours travel back from the job. That means 4+ hours daily in the van, listening to loud pop-culture radio music.

2. Low wage for the amount of hours I would arrive home at roughly 6pm daily. Which means that I was out of the house for 12 hours daily for five days a week, and only getting payed £60 per day (lower than the minimum wage).

3. Very little free time - After arriving home, I would need to cook my breakfast for the next day, wash my lunch boxes and sort out everything else I would need for the next day. My daily aim was to spend some quality time with Thorn, research SOTT, read/participate on the forum, AND read whichever book I was currently reading. (An impossibly high expectation of my own abilities, an unachievable aim that could not be achieved, which ultimately paved the way for feelings of shame and anger towards myself for failing). When I arrived home I was exhausted daily, partly from the manual labor and partly from having to deal with the people I worked with. I would usually have no time to do anything productive, and would end the day feeling relatively dissapointed with myself

4. Physical danger - When I entered the van to travel to work, the group of two men that I worked with smoked cannabis while driving. The speed that they used to drive at was actually insane, and occasionally I was scared for my life. On the way back from work they would stop off at the shop before the long journey home and buy four pint cans of beer each. So on the way back, these guys were smoking cannabis and getting drunk while driving like lunatics, rushing to get back home. You can probably imagine the type... its the exact type of people my parents used to warn me about before taking driving lessons. Real maniacs. One thing that I observed in myself was the way in which I gradually became desensitized to this way of driving, and digging deeper I think that there is actually an aspect of me that enjoys the "thrill" :scared:

There is also no health and safety measures. My boss was trying to convince my to use a large, heavy, electronic "Circular Saw" to cut the side of a wooden board while attempting to balance on a broken wobbly ladder and hold this peice of machinery ABOVE my head. This Saw could literally slice a persons arm off in a second or two. I could FEEL deep down this this was just wrong, but I attempted to do it because I did not want to lose my job.

5. Psychic Hygeine- The only way I can really describe these people are complete and utter social neanderthals. Honestly, I don't recall being in the presence of people like this for a very long time. Perhaps it is my naivete. But these people honestly strike me as some of the most repulsive human beings I have ever met.

One example: We are driving down the road and there are two black/asian children walking to school... Their response is: "Run the little N*ggas over, shouldn't even fu*king be here anyway".

I don't think it's necessary to go into any more detail, as it is quite obvious the type of people I am talking about. These are the types of people I have had to spend 12 hours a day with, 5 days a week. I feel asif my soul has been gradually broken down, torn apart and stamped on the floor. My mood has been abnormally low, my energy levels have been lacking and I haven't even felt like ive had the motivation to read SOTT.

My boss also treated me as if I was a child at times, speaking to me as if I was useless. I will admit that this reminded me of the way that my father spoke to me when I was a child sometimes... I am also beginning to become familiar with this particular character through my own behaviour, observing myself and the different I's that are present within me has helped me see that this is the role that I take on in other relationships. Perhaps this was one of the reasons why I persisted with the job? It was a continuation of the relationship I have had with my dad, so maybe feeds the aspect of myself that is constantly seeking approval from him. You know, like the "Narcisstistic Well"?

I was holding off from networking about some of the troubles I have been facing since the beginning of this job, and I am not quite sure why. I think it is probably a conglomeration of factors that kept me there for so long. I do think that one of the main factors was the avoidance of feeling like a "failure". When confronting the possibility of leaving the job, there were certainly feelings of shame and also of guilt. Shame because in that moment, it makes me an inherently bad person if I cannot complete a task that I have set myself (in this case, stick to the job, not to give up).

Guilt because I felt like I owed the company, I told them I would like to work for them and choosing against working for them reflects on my character badly, therefore I should essentially stick to the job.

Now this is what is happening with my emotional life. Logically I can look at this situation, see that this job was not conducive to my Aim and was completely destructive. Although, I would normalize these terrible working conditions and intentionally put myself through the internal and external stress that eventually led to a near enough meltdown.

Looking back, I think that that I was placing myself in these horrid conditions and persisting with this job mainly because doing something different would involve acknowledging my feelings and facing up to the programmes: 1:shame for being a failure 2.guilt for acting in favour of my well-being. Because I have been so afraid of facing these feelings, I am unconsciously willing to put my body and my mind through extreme amounts of stress in order to avoid FEELING the uncomfortable sensation. These are my ideas, although I would appreciate it if anyone else has any other feedback. Thanks for reading

Edit: Dissapointed with myself
 
My overall impression is that it was time to change jobs. However, I don't think you will ever find a situation where you are free from all of these problems outlined in your points. I'll go through your points real quick:

1. That is quite a long commute, you're not the only person I know who has done that, but it's quite a bit longer than the average I think. You will never get completely away from annoying music or personal habits unless you get your own wheels, you will just have to learn to live with that. 4 hours is a little excessive in my opinion though, I can't imagine doing that and I'd find something closer to home come hell or high water.

2. Someone's first job is usually sh*t. They know that you have no experience and no way to really market yourself and they hold all of the cards. Your second job is usually sh*t too, but not quite as bad. It doesn't matter how smart, capable, or nice you are, you are a cog in their machine and they know you are desperate and pretty much willing to accept whatever they decide to offer you. Hopefully after a while you can work your way up to something palatable, but I wouldn't expect fulfillment. The economy doesn't care about fulfillment. As long as you have to participate in pathocratic economic system, you just have to find a place you can tolerate and then grit your teeth and take your lashes. I started out working for less than minimum wage and built up a little experience and eventually things got better.

3. Well, shortening your commute will help here some, but I don't think you can ever really fix this the way you'd like unless you could survive on something part time. I work about 45 hours a week at a predominantly office job and my commute is 5 minutes. I feel that I need to sleep in in order to feel well rested so I get up at 8AM, skip breakfast and arrive at work at 8:30. I get home about 5:15, unwind a bit and move into cooking dinner. By the time the kitchen is cleaned up, it's about 6:45. If I immediately move into taking a shower, we're up to about 7:30 by the time I'm finished being "beautified." I remember reading something on the SOTT page about the body's sleep cycle was set to kick in about 10PM during paleolithic times and that's when you should go to bed to optimize your melatonin levels. I try to maintain that, but often times end up pushing that to 11 or 12 just to be able to do some things I really want to do. Even in a more or less optimal job situation, the overwhelming majority of your life is devoted to being a slave for the economic system and I find myself wondering if there's really any point. And this scenario is just an average day where nothing goes too terribly awry. I've stuck it out because I view this job as a springboard for eventually getting me where I want to go, it does contribute to the aim, but it's not exactly what I'd consider to be ideal.

4. Yeah, that would be a major red flag for me, I'd be looking to get out.

5. Manual labor jobs tend to attract certain gruff personalities. I was a bit intrigued by that because some of them require quite a bit of skill. I think it's mainly due to the fact that the increased academic socialization that tends to come with more intellectual jobs masks the "gruffness." Some of the conversations I've overheard among coworkers regarding the female body have really opened my eyes, and not in a good way. Some places are better than others, but they all share a lot of similar dynamics, if you work with a more intellectual crowd, they're still there, but a bit more subtle. You begin to feel very alone.

As for the whole guilt thing, the way companies are nowadays, I feel like I owe no loyalties to anyone. Remember that to 90% of your bosses you are nothing more than a resource to be exploited. When it's in your self interest to cut and run, that's what you do.

Bottom line, sometimes life sucks! There are a lot of important lessons there, but I think you can do better. I think I would've quit too, but I would've been searching for something else before I quit so that I would have another job lined up ready to go. Hopefully you can move into something a little less oppressive.
 
Keyhole said:
Yesterday I quit the job and am currently jobless, and it is the best I have felt in weeks.


Edit: Dissapointed with myself
In a situation where the number of unemployed grows daily, everyone is trying hard to keep job no matter how unhappy it. I personally believe that this is a big obstacle in the development of each individual. Most importantly, do not doubt in their own abilities. It would be good to now its time focused solely on themselves and neighbors. Try to find all of that good stuff. You've had a pretty bad experience, I think you should first get some rest (mentally and physically). Guilt is destructive to the feeling that we are moving away from that to feel good and consequently of new opportunities, ideas and opportunities. If there is reason to blame, think about it and make it as a teacher in order not to repeat the mistake. Therefore guilt will disappear and you're left with a useful experience. You may not immediately find a new job, but for this time do not let anyone break your confidence. Except for the emotions that job loss entails, most viewed financial loss. As much as you may not materialistic, with no money can not be, but you've listed many reasons why it is good that you stopped working at that job. Currently you have more time, you'll be able to devote one of their hobby, can be given to new business project ... always with the poor, there are good sides to cancel. This you have done also to achieve that themselves feel better and happier. Time to any subsequent job interview you have more chances to be admitted. When you're happy with yourself, you engender the necessary confidence, which is a big plus in a job interview.

Think what you want to change. Never cancellation does not come when you are completely satisfied with their job. Think about it. So take advantage of this time to figure out what you really want. Maybe you fired a great chance in life and embrace it with both hands. And another thing, your health must come first, if you feel like you're going to jail when you go to work, listen to your instincts, something is not right. I wish you luck in your new job. :) :hug:
 
Hi Keyhole, that all sounds like a very stressful couple of weeks, especially with the recent move with Thorn?!

IMO, I think you made the best decision, I also agree with Neil as finding a job before you quit could have helped with further stress (now you're in a place were you are unemployed). But, there's not much use in "Should haves". You will find a new job eventually :)!

I believe you made the best decision, and you made that decision wisely, better late than never!! If the job was causing so much stress in so many different areas, and stealing the time you had to de-stress then it's totally understandable. I absolutely hate my job that I have at the moment, the pay is BS, the people are a pain and I get unbelievable customers threatening me because they never got the right order or so and so. I found that I wasn't using what little time I had out of work to actually de-stress - that combined with the fact I don't really know how to de-stress due to childhood!

Your assumption about putting your body under so much stress so it ignores the real stuff is something I would conclude also. If we have something to stress over on the outside i.e. an overly stressful job, then it's very easy to forget the things we are supposed to be actually working on. One of those "A" influences is our career, so if the career was too much then I'd guess you were too overcome with the A influences. Remember to be kind to yourself, validation and self-compassion is key! although it seems you're leaning towards that way anyway :)

I'm glad you gave us an update, and had courage to post about your recent worries.
 
I dont really have anything constructive to add, but just wanted to say that i have been there more than once, and even very recently. I try to use these situations as stepping stones. I think Neil made sme really good points.
Good luck with your next adventure. :)
 
I agree with others! The fact that you still tried to stick around says a lot. Now you can learn a lot from this, but instead of seeing it as a "failure", you can see it as a success. Why? Well, for many reasons, but mainly because you tried, you started seeing signs, and then acted on them. Especially point 4 is a very important factor, and something that you shouldn't have to go through. Could you have done things differently? Maybe, we always can. Could you have stuck with the job to prove yourself you could do it? Sure. But would that be worth it considering what you can learn now? It doesn't mean that it's always ok to just quit, but in this case, I think you were justified to do so for good reasons.

So, considering the path to figure out your Aim, now you know more about what you are, and aren't willing to compromise on. :) I would only advice you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and not think about carpentry about being all evil because of this experience (you probably already know this anyway). Just analyze it, think of things you learned, things you can change next time, and keep persisting! No pain, no gain.
 
It would seem that you have learned some valuable life lessons there, Keyhole.
And so, it's on to the next exciting episode in your life; more lessons..
Have fun!
 
Félicitations pour avoir su regarder les choses en face, ce milieu n'était pas sain pour vous...
Reposez vous, EE et la prière de l'Ame sont des outils bienfaisants que vous pouvez utiliser régulièrement...
Ne soyez pas déçu de vous, vous avez eu le courage de mettre fin à cette leçon, vous voilà prêt pour la suivante... :hug2:

Congratulations able to look things in the face, that environment was not healthy for you ...
Relax, EE and prayer of the soul are beneficial tools that you can use regularly ...
Do not be disappointed you, you had the courage to end this lesson, you are ready for the next ... :hug2:
 
Chu said:
I agree with others! The fact that you still tried to stick around says a lot. Now you can learn a lot from this, but instead of seeing it as a "failure", you can see it as a success. Why? Well, for many reasons, but mainly because you tried, you started seeing signs, and then acted on them. Especially point 4 is a very important factor, and something that you shouldn't have to go through. Could you have done things differently? Maybe, we always can. Could you have stuck with the job to prove yourself you could do it? Sure. But would that be worth it considering what you can learn now? It doesn't mean that it's always ok to just quit, but in this case, I think you were justified to do so for good reasons.

So, considering the path to figure out your Aim, now you know more about what you are, and aren't willing to compromise on. :) I would only advice you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and not think about carpentry about being all evil because of this experience (you probably already know this anyway). Just analyze it, think of things you learned, things you can change next time, and keep persisting! No pain, no gain.

Absolutely agree! Putting yourself in that kind of danger is just a disaster waiting to happen, yeah all the other guys may be fine with all their arms attached and not crashed while driving wasted. But is it worth that gamble, given what you could have lost? Given the potential you see in yourself? Definitely something we dont need to be put through day to day. It honestly sounds disgusting to imagine being in that situation trying to fit in somewhat to maintain your role.

Keyhole said:
My boss also treated me as if I was a child at times, speaking to me as if I was useless. I will admit that this reminded me of the way that my father spoke to me when I was a child sometimes... I am also beginning to become familiar with this particular character through my own behaviour, observing myself and the different I's that are present within me has helped me see that this is the role that I take on in other relationships. Perhaps this was one of the reasons why I persisted with the job? It was a continuation of the relationship I have had with my dad, so maybe feeds the aspect of myself that is constantly seeking approval from him.

This will crop up alot through life, and is very VERY useful as a petty tyrant type to watch how you interact with the folks who represent your father figure. Ive had the same experience in my current job, with exactly the same feeling. Hating the guy, but for some reason dying for some approval. Swinging from I to I. But it was a great eye opener, and after the experience i described it as a father role also. But eventually i could see straight through him, and it was kind of humorous to watch someone being so stuck in his ways. After i realized what it was all about, i moved up positions and he now ignores me and always has this bitter 'im fine' look on his face. And i dont mind the guy now that hes not directly in my face all day.

But the description of the boss seems pretty intense. So now you know what to look out for and can see it before it swoops you away. Very great lessons over all, and like everyone has said; dont be disappointed in yourself Keyhole. You tryed... And it didnt work out. Thats fine. It happens in life, stuff doesnt pan out the way we'd like. But dont stop trying, if you can imagine that job, but with some corrected issues that would make it actually enjoyable and see yourself being happy then keep going and try for another. Im pretty sure it cant get as horrible as that one! :hug:

Good luck :hug2:
 
I can relate to you, Keyhole, as I had once been in a somewhat similar situation (my first "real job" was a lead balloon, but I was fired, have beaten myself pretty much up due to it and became discouraged). I also agree with the others, that you did the right decision regarding your job, Keyhole. Point 4 (unsafe work conditions), especially in combination with point 1 (not adequate sleep and being strained due to long commute & other stressors) is an absolute no-go, I would say.

I think, the time you already spent in that job at least gave you adequate experience, which can help you while looking for further jobs (and navigating through them, when you are accepted). I think, sticking with it as long as you did (more than two months?) was quite courageous (I probably wouldn't have sustained such work conditions that long) and provided you with enough lessons which can add to your knowledge in a valuable way.

Next to EE in order to de-stress, journalling your experiences may also help, as soon as this is possible for you; you can thus get a clearer look on them, work through them and know, what to look out for (pitfalls and opportunities). Don't let yourself becoming discouraged and take care :hug2:

Huxley said:
Very great lessons over all, and like everyone has said; dont be disappointed in yourself Keyhole. You tryed... And it didnt work out. Thats fine. It happens in life, stuff doesnt pan out the way we'd like. But dont stop trying, if you can imagine that job, but with some corrected issues that would make it actually enjoyable and see yourself being happy then keep going and try for another.

I agree: Maybe there will be a job in the future, which will fit your potentials - but in the meantime don't give up, while fitting on different "pairs of shoes", so to speak :)
 
Thanks for you everyone who has commented. Just to clarify, when I wrote this:

Edit: Disappointed with myself
It was referring to a place in my original post that I had edited to change the wording, rather than actually saying that I felt disappointed with myself in that moment.

Neil said:
My overall impression is that it was time to change jobs. However, I don't think you will ever find a situation where you are free from all of these problems outlined in your points.
This wasn't something that I was expecting, and I have been in other situations that may have one or two of the above mention points. It was the fact that ALL of these things clumped together in one job was just pretty overwhelming. It's really astonishing to see the change in my mood since leaving the company. Kinda feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Neil said:
Bottom line, sometimes life sucks! There are a lot of important lessons there, but I think you can do better. I think I would've quit too, but I would've been searching for something else before I quit so that I would have another job lined up ready to go. Hopefully you can move into something a little less oppressive.
Life certainly does suck, and I guess 3D is meant to be like that. It gives us the opportunity to learn so much about ourselves. Ordinarily I would have been searching for another job, but I think I would rather go a few weeks without wages than have to stick to working at that place! I was scared that I may get injured somehow, and IMO safety should always come first.

Lilyalic said:
I found that I wasn't using what little time I had out of work to actually de-stress - that combined with the fact I don't really know how to de-stress due to childhood!
Yeah, finding the time to de-stress in a stressful can become difficult. That's also why its important to keep a regular schedule of EE (which I didn't do - probably would have helped a lot). I also wasn't taught how to de-stress, I don't think many of us are unfortunately. My parents way of de-stressing was to smoke cannabis and drink wine... which I eventually picked up. Great role models yeah? :lol:

Chu said:
So, considering the path to figure out your Aim, now you know more about what you are, and aren't willing to compromise on. :) I would only advice you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and not think about carpentry about being all evil because of this experience (you probably already know this anyway). Just analyze it, think of things you learned, things you can change next time, and keep persisting! No pain, no gain.
I am trying not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but it is quite difficult when you consider what Neil said above and what I have noticed, that manual labour certainly does attract "gruff personalities" which I would like to avoid if possible. The feelings of shame seem to have subsided as I did find it difficult at first, not to perceive me quitting this job a failure. It WAS a useful learning experience for me and many things can be taken from it and applied to other aspects of my life, but the programme is so strong that it takes hold sometimes. I can try to call it out, express it and even attempt to humour it at times, but it manifests in ANY situation it can. The biggest trigger is cooking. When I try to remain observant and slightly detached from the actual meal, there is some level of control. Although when I become identified, one small mistake becomes the end of world. It's really quite a debilitating sensation of failure that takes hold.

Huxley said:
This will crop up alot through life, and is very VERY useful as a petty tyrant type to watch how you interact with the folks who represent your father figure. Ive had the same experience in my current job, with exactly the same feeling. Hating the guy, but for some reason dying for some approval. Swinging from I to I. But it was a great eye opener, and after the experience i described it as a father role also.
Its difficult to deal with these situations because the behaviour of others triggers those programmes from childhood and you automatically fall into the role of the child, seeking that approval and validation that you didn't receive. I was speaking to my therapist about this, and she said that using the "Transactional Analysis" model, I become the child and they become the (controlling) parent. From then on the scenario plays out just like it would have in childhood, evoking the same emotions as it did back then. Sometimes I observed it, but could not actually do anything about it, which was so frustrating. To see what's actually happening but being powerless. Sometimes it seems hopeless to even try to change the behaviours that come so easily. It's only in the situations that guilt kicks in, when I am aware that I have hurt others around me, that I actually feel motivated to change. I was reading earlier in "Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration" that this is one of the main ingredient that facilitates positive disintegration, so I guess feeling guilt in appropriate situation is a blessing. It is the internally considerate guilt that is destructive and is of no benefit to me or anyone around me.

Learner said:
Next to EE in order to de-stress, journalling your experiences may also help, as soon as this is possible for you; you can thus get a clearer look on them, work through them and know, what to look out for (pitfalls and opportunities). Don't let yourself becoming discouraged and take care :hug2:
Journalling is something I have been practising in the past few weeks. Although I confess, this is also something that I use to feed the "Im a failure" programme at times when I forget to journal. Instead of being something productive, I use it as another reason to beat myself up. Saying that, I do think that journalling helps at times when I am feeling alone and abandoned by my family, especially after a therapy session.

I do appreciate all of these comments guys, I am looking for another job now so hopefully there will be one that opens up.
 
Bravo, vous êtes sur la bonne voie, je vous souhaite de trouver un bon travail qui pourra vous apporter la sérénité...

Congratulations, you are on the right track, I wish you to find a good job that will bring you serenity ...
 
I just wanted to add some of my own observations regarding manual labor, and gruff personalities. I have been a manual laborer all my life in many different trades. The only one i became a proffessional at was painting. Anyways, i have worked for, and with some pretty incredible people, and also not very good people. What i have noticed is that these gruff types more so tend to attract each other. Just for an example, when i was formsetting i worked with friends mainly from Chile that brought me there from another company(all within the laborers union). Anyways, we had crews, and a few of us crews stuck together. Really good people. Then i remember one day i got stuck working beside another crew. The first comments to me were racist in nature against my friends. I was kind of shocked, but started to notice things since that day. It is like a balance. STO vs STS if you will. As above, so below. Also another thing i have noticed is tht the more specialized trades, such as cabinet maker that you go to school for, and work in a shop seem to attract more decent people. This could just be a bias due to my own perceptons though.
One other thing i wanted to add is that i have never had a problem finding a job if i really wanted one. A good way back in the day was to go through the yellow pages and just call every number. Within an hour one can have several jobs to choose from. Nowadays i would use kijiji. Even now being in the country, i started off with nothing, and built up to my own vehicle, and job,etc. I hadnt even had my licence for almost ten years prior. Oddly i lost everything i had been working for in the space of a week, and it is a real struggle, but it is doable. Just my two cents.
 
davey72 said:
I just wanted to add some of my own observations regarding manual labor, and gruff personalities. I have been a manual laborer all my life in many different trades. The only one i became a proffessional at was painting. Anyways, i have worked for, and with some pretty incredible people, and also not very good people. What i have noticed is that these gruff types more so tend to attract each other. Just for an example, when i was formsetting i worked with friends mainly from Chile that brought me there from another company(all within the laborers union). Anyways, we had crews, and a few of us crews stuck together. Really good people. Then i remember one day i got stuck working beside another crew. The first comments to me were racist in nature against my friends. I was kind of shocked, but started to notice things since that day. It is like a balance. STO vs STS if you will. As above, so below. Also another thing i have noticed is tht the more specialized trades, such as cabinet maker that you go to school for, and work in a shop seem to attract more decent people. This could just be a bias due to my own perceptons though.
One other thing i wanted to add is that i have never had a problem finding a job if i really wanted one. A good way back in the day was to go through the yellow pages and just call every number. Within an hour one can have several jobs to choose from. Nowadays i would use kijiji. Even now being in the country, i started off with nothing, and built up to my own vehicle, and job,etc. I hadnt even had my licence for almost ten years prior. Oddly i lost everything i had been working for in the space of a week, and it is a real struggle, but it is doable. Just my two cents.
Thanks for sharing your experiences davey72, and I'm sorry to hear about your losses. I will try not to fall into making assumptions and sterotyping a wide range of people in a given trade solely due to my own relatively limited experience. I appreciate the advice.
 

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