Lost a dear friend today
- Thread starter Richs
- Start date
Hi Richard, sorry to hear about your loss, I am glad you are sharing it here.
I hope the following helps:
Saying Goodbye - Dealing with a pet's death
Extract from the book Natural Health for Pets
By Dr. Richard Pitcairn DVM, PhD
We often think of death as something to fear, to put out of mind and avoid at all costs. Yet in the end it comes to all organisms. It will come to your animal, and one day it will surely come to you and me.
But we learned through experience with our own animals, death need not be feared. In fact to be fully present with it and let its significance speak to you, you can make such an experience a thing of beauty. It can remind us, if we have forgotten to notice just how mysterious and wondrous life truly is. That is why it saddens me when I see and hear from so many people who are deeply burdened and upset at the anticipation or the memory of a pet’s death. Their grief is real, often as great or greater than that felt at the loss of a human friend or relative.
For others however, the temptation is to just “stuff” their feelings inside and not really experience them, an understandable response. But because they are unwilling or unable to face their feelings and thus learn from them, people shut themselves off not only from the pain of death but also from its beauty and meaning. Facing our emotions can provide real opportunities for learning.
Pet’s death can be complex thing. All sorts of emotions can arise, including sadness, anger, depression, disappointment and fear. With people for whom the relationship is exceptionally important-such as single person, a childless couple, or an only child for whom the animal has been a best friend- the grief can be that much greater. In addition to those psychological hurts common to losing either human or animal companion, a pet’s death brings its own unique challenge. For one thing, the euthanasia option can burden the owner with a difficult decision.
Another problem is that it is not socially acceptable to mourn openly over an animal, although the grief may be just as real as if you had lost any other family member. It might be hard to find a sympathetic listener to help you work through your experience. And even sympathetic employers are unlikely to allow absence from work for mourning a faithful cat or a dog.
In fact it is socially acceptable to replace the lost pet with a new one immediately after death. Unfortunately, simply replacing your last pet with a new one will not heal the grief you feel. Only time and insight can do that. And parents who rush out to buy a new pet to their bereaved child before she has really said goodbye to one just lost should realize that unspoken message can be: “Life is cheap, relationships are disposable and interchangeable!”
HANDLING GRIEF
Above all else you need to know how to cope with the grief and other emotions that may surface before, during or after death.
Lynne De Spelder who teaches and counsels on the subject of death and dying emphasizes that coping with an animal’s death is much the same as coping with the loss of human friend. “It is really important to handle the grief. Research has shown the costs of mismanaged grief can be great, (such as) illness among survivors, for example. Hiding from grief makes it worse.”
How can you handle it?
Start with most important thing – Give yourself permission to grieve. Lynne observed, “Women often deal with grief better then men simply because they are allowed to cry. Also it is good to find someone who will listen. If your spouse won’t, find someone who will. If someone makes light of your grief, it’s probably they own fear of emotion.”
Suppose you are crying and sadness seems to go on too long? That’s a signal that you are dwelling too much in your thoughts and memories. Grief counselors encourage people suffering from loss to discover and engage in nurturing activities such as yoga, hiking, music, or sports – that help people to lovingly let go of the past and to open themselves to goodness of the present.
From my own experience of loss, I think there can be certain resistance to letting go of these thoughts even if we are aware it may be the healthiest thing to do. It can almost feel like a betrayal of closeness with the deceased one to stop thinking about it. Holding onto the feelings and memories becomes sort of expression of loyalty. To get beyond this, we have to realize that our lives would just come to a stop if we never get over the losses that life will undoubtedly bring us. I can still know that I loved a person or animal in my life; that will never change. It isn’t a betrayal of them to carry on with what it is we have to do and with our own lives.
HELPING THE YOUNG CHILD
When you must help a child cope with the loss you all feel, it is important to first understand your own feelings. You must be honest and open about what happened. But don’t try to console the child with an instant replacement or with explanation that can be misinterpreted or taken too literally, such as “he went away” or “she was taken to Doggie heaven.” If the child wants to see the dead body before burial, understand that it is a natural curiosity and should be allowed, provided you are emotionally stable about it yourself.
Talk with the child and make sure he is not harboring misunderstandings. Don’t let him blame himself or even you for the death. If you had the animal put to sleep because it was clear that a painful death was inevitable, say so, and give a chance to child to understand. It helps you to communicate your own dilemma that you “did not know what else to do.” It is a common human situation to have to act in the face of uncertainty and there is no shame in doing so.
MAKING A CHOICE - EUTHANASIA
If your pet is suffering and you are forced to consider euthanasia, familiarity with the procedure and its alternatives may help you know what to expect.
The idea of “putting an animal out of its misery” has long been accepted as humane option, even though we rarely accept it as a choice for ourselves.
Veterinarians commonly perform euthanasia by injecting an overdose of barbiturate anesthetic into the vein or the heart. The animal loses consciousness within a few seconds, slumps over and vital functions cease soon thereafter. It is considered painless.
Personally I have always found the whole process rather uncomfortable, and I think most veterinarians feel the same. Mercy killing can make sense, however when animal is in great and prolonged pain and the death is slow but inevitable.
It is unwise to make a hasty decision for euthanasia in a moment of anguish, before you clearly and rationally understand the animal’s chances of survival and any other alternative possibilities. Otherwise you may be burdened with doubts and regrets, forever wondering if your pet would have survived. I have found this depends to a great extent on what “diagnosis” is. The animal with itchy skin may go through much discomfort but one would never think of euthanasia because of this. If your pet has the diagnosis of cancer, however, then slight symptoms can be interpreted as the reason to make that decision-perhaps prematurely. I have overseen cases of cancer in pets that are doing quite well with minimal discomfort, even getting better; to have them “put down” because they did not feel well one day would have been rash.
It is really best to look past diagnosis and directly at the situation of your animal. Are they relatively free of pain? Are they able to function? If so then don’t come to a hasty decision. Consider some alternatives like holistic or homeopathic approach.
WHAT CARE SHOULD BE GIVEN IN THE LAST HOURS?
In terms of physical care, don’t feed a dying animal; just give it water or vegetable juices. Provide a warm, comfortable place to rest.
Occasionally your pet may need your help to go outside or to the litter box to eliminate waste. The dying animal may welcome the gentle and calm presence of those it loves, but do protect your pet from too much noise, activity or disturbance.
When the end is very near the animal will grow quite weak. The body temperature will drop below normal (for cats and dogs, below 37,8°), and breathing may be faster than usual. At the moment of death there is often spasmodic or gasping breathing. The pupils may dilate and the animal may stretch out or perhaps pass urine. This final dying process usually lasts for only about minute or less.
I hope the following helps:
Saying Goodbye - Dealing with a pet's death
Extract from the book Natural Health for Pets
By Dr. Richard Pitcairn DVM, PhD
We often think of death as something to fear, to put out of mind and avoid at all costs. Yet in the end it comes to all organisms. It will come to your animal, and one day it will surely come to you and me.
But we learned through experience with our own animals, death need not be feared. In fact to be fully present with it and let its significance speak to you, you can make such an experience a thing of beauty. It can remind us, if we have forgotten to notice just how mysterious and wondrous life truly is. That is why it saddens me when I see and hear from so many people who are deeply burdened and upset at the anticipation or the memory of a pet’s death. Their grief is real, often as great or greater than that felt at the loss of a human friend or relative.
For others however, the temptation is to just “stuff” their feelings inside and not really experience them, an understandable response. But because they are unwilling or unable to face their feelings and thus learn from them, people shut themselves off not only from the pain of death but also from its beauty and meaning. Facing our emotions can provide real opportunities for learning.
Pet’s death can be complex thing. All sorts of emotions can arise, including sadness, anger, depression, disappointment and fear. With people for whom the relationship is exceptionally important-such as single person, a childless couple, or an only child for whom the animal has been a best friend- the grief can be that much greater. In addition to those psychological hurts common to losing either human or animal companion, a pet’s death brings its own unique challenge. For one thing, the euthanasia option can burden the owner with a difficult decision.
Another problem is that it is not socially acceptable to mourn openly over an animal, although the grief may be just as real as if you had lost any other family member. It might be hard to find a sympathetic listener to help you work through your experience. And even sympathetic employers are unlikely to allow absence from work for mourning a faithful cat or a dog.
In fact it is socially acceptable to replace the lost pet with a new one immediately after death. Unfortunately, simply replacing your last pet with a new one will not heal the grief you feel. Only time and insight can do that. And parents who rush out to buy a new pet to their bereaved child before she has really said goodbye to one just lost should realize that unspoken message can be: “Life is cheap, relationships are disposable and interchangeable!”
HANDLING GRIEF
Above all else you need to know how to cope with the grief and other emotions that may surface before, during or after death.
Lynne De Spelder who teaches and counsels on the subject of death and dying emphasizes that coping with an animal’s death is much the same as coping with the loss of human friend. “It is really important to handle the grief. Research has shown the costs of mismanaged grief can be great, (such as) illness among survivors, for example. Hiding from grief makes it worse.”
How can you handle it?
Start with most important thing – Give yourself permission to grieve. Lynne observed, “Women often deal with grief better then men simply because they are allowed to cry. Also it is good to find someone who will listen. If your spouse won’t, find someone who will. If someone makes light of your grief, it’s probably they own fear of emotion.”
Suppose you are crying and sadness seems to go on too long? That’s a signal that you are dwelling too much in your thoughts and memories. Grief counselors encourage people suffering from loss to discover and engage in nurturing activities such as yoga, hiking, music, or sports – that help people to lovingly let go of the past and to open themselves to goodness of the present.
From my own experience of loss, I think there can be certain resistance to letting go of these thoughts even if we are aware it may be the healthiest thing to do. It can almost feel like a betrayal of closeness with the deceased one to stop thinking about it. Holding onto the feelings and memories becomes sort of expression of loyalty. To get beyond this, we have to realize that our lives would just come to a stop if we never get over the losses that life will undoubtedly bring us. I can still know that I loved a person or animal in my life; that will never change. It isn’t a betrayal of them to carry on with what it is we have to do and with our own lives.
HELPING THE YOUNG CHILD
When you must help a child cope with the loss you all feel, it is important to first understand your own feelings. You must be honest and open about what happened. But don’t try to console the child with an instant replacement or with explanation that can be misinterpreted or taken too literally, such as “he went away” or “she was taken to Doggie heaven.” If the child wants to see the dead body before burial, understand that it is a natural curiosity and should be allowed, provided you are emotionally stable about it yourself.
Talk with the child and make sure he is not harboring misunderstandings. Don’t let him blame himself or even you for the death. If you had the animal put to sleep because it was clear that a painful death was inevitable, say so, and give a chance to child to understand. It helps you to communicate your own dilemma that you “did not know what else to do.” It is a common human situation to have to act in the face of uncertainty and there is no shame in doing so.
MAKING A CHOICE - EUTHANASIA
If your pet is suffering and you are forced to consider euthanasia, familiarity with the procedure and its alternatives may help you know what to expect.
The idea of “putting an animal out of its misery” has long been accepted as humane option, even though we rarely accept it as a choice for ourselves.
Veterinarians commonly perform euthanasia by injecting an overdose of barbiturate anesthetic into the vein or the heart. The animal loses consciousness within a few seconds, slumps over and vital functions cease soon thereafter. It is considered painless.
Personally I have always found the whole process rather uncomfortable, and I think most veterinarians feel the same. Mercy killing can make sense, however when animal is in great and prolonged pain and the death is slow but inevitable.
It is unwise to make a hasty decision for euthanasia in a moment of anguish, before you clearly and rationally understand the animal’s chances of survival and any other alternative possibilities. Otherwise you may be burdened with doubts and regrets, forever wondering if your pet would have survived. I have found this depends to a great extent on what “diagnosis” is. The animal with itchy skin may go through much discomfort but one would never think of euthanasia because of this. If your pet has the diagnosis of cancer, however, then slight symptoms can be interpreted as the reason to make that decision-perhaps prematurely. I have overseen cases of cancer in pets that are doing quite well with minimal discomfort, even getting better; to have them “put down” because they did not feel well one day would have been rash.
It is really best to look past diagnosis and directly at the situation of your animal. Are they relatively free of pain? Are they able to function? If so then don’t come to a hasty decision. Consider some alternatives like holistic or homeopathic approach.
WHAT CARE SHOULD BE GIVEN IN THE LAST HOURS?
In terms of physical care, don’t feed a dying animal; just give it water or vegetable juices. Provide a warm, comfortable place to rest.
Occasionally your pet may need your help to go outside or to the litter box to eliminate waste. The dying animal may welcome the gentle and calm presence of those it loves, but do protect your pet from too much noise, activity or disturbance.
When the end is very near the animal will grow quite weak. The body temperature will drop below normal (for cats and dogs, below 37,8°), and breathing may be faster than usual. At the moment of death there is often spasmodic or gasping breathing. The pupils may dilate and the animal may stretch out or perhaps pass urine. This final dying process usually lasts for only about minute or less.
Mountain Crown
The Living Force
My condolences to you and family for the loss of your friend, Richard.
paralleloscope
The Living Force
I'm sorry for your loss Richard, it sounds as if Shayna rests in peace. Take care 
shijing
The Living Force
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss as well, Richard S -- losing a 2D friend that has been a part of your life for so long is very painful. I'm glad that you got to be with her at the end -- even though it was heartrending -- and I'm sure it was happier for Shayna to have your company as she transitioned. Take care, and condolences to you and your family.
