First of all, I was reading other comments posted by you in this topic. One of them was related to you not having a response from a higher order member(mods, ambassadors), "rather than a "newbie" like me". I am a newbie. I am even younger than you. I do not know much, as I am still learning. But that doesn't mean that my number of posts counts. Maybe there are other newbies who spent years without registering(guest order), who might have a greater amount of knowledge and experience than other newbies here. If you are asking for some help/advices, than you should take in consideration what everybody says. You don't know what/who is going to help the most.
Paddyjohn said:
Observation must begin from the beginning. But of course you must know where the beginning is. I thought I did. Turned out I didn't. Or maybe everyone has their own beginning point from which to start observing.
I don't know if it is just the use of a combination of words, but I think that "where" should be replaced by "when" or "what" this beginning is.
"But it is necessary to begin from the beginning. A man must begin observing himself as though he did not know himself at all, as though he had never observed himself."
The period I mentioned culminated in the realisation that I was delivering negative energy to the network, making a bit of a fool of myself, and generating noise. I decided to leave the network but found that I couldn't. So that put paid to that childish reaction - and excuse for not doing the Work. Perhaps that's what I was actually doing - trying to find an excuse for not doing the Work. I can now see that I was following my dominant program when I came here. That program involves becoming noticed. This is probably due to the fact that my life has been based on a feeling of being small and inferior. Often invisible in my earlier years.
You are not alone here. I am struggling with the same issues, I think my chief fault is this "mute" self-importance of being noticed. It doesn't really manifest so much in exterior as it manifests internally. That voice, "Why not me? Me, me, me!" I was also a kid that was not noticed enough, so I started to notice myself, to internally praise myself when nobody did. Now I realize that this is stalking me even now, and it manifests in ways that I am sure I am not aware of yet. I also had periods when I wanted to leave the network, and throw out the possibility of Working. I cannot say that I really started to Work properly, because I want to achieve the best of it. I want to Work out mercilessly, to regain what was lost or damaged in me.
In Meetings with Remarkable Men there is a nice dialogue between G's father and the Father Borsh:
" Father Borsh: Where is God just now?
Gurdjieff's Father: God, just now, is in Sarykamich.
FB: What is God Doing there?
GF: He is making double ladders. On the tops of them, He is fixing happiness.
FB: And why is God doing that?
GF: So that people and nations can go up and down."
There can be moments in life when there is enough strength and intent to accomplish aims, but also moments when everything fails. This is why I think that when one is trying to reach higher on a ladder he must also look down to see how hard he will crash if he will fall from it. Just a thought about keeping a balance.
Previously I have always achieved this, partly, by jumping in feet first and over-involving myself. The problem this has created here is that in doing so I failed to truly realise what this community is about from all my centres. I would intellectually understand this community on a certain level, but not truly feel it. Lack of feeling resulted in inappropriate contributions - internal considering etc. Sometimes I would feel it but not see it intellectually. This resulted in contributions of noise.
I also now see that there was an element of expecting Laura and the elders to be perfect objects of worship. I dismissed the notion that you are all human beings. Big black and white thinking there. I've been like an unruly child. A rebellious son. It seems I had a bit of parent/child stuff to work out there. I think it has been worked out. No, I'm sure it has been worked out. It looks so ridiculous to me now.
Maybe this is a result of over-judging, categorizing others by their responses and contributions. Sometimes it happens also in my case, but when I have a general look on the forum I can see a group of people who have good intentions to reach their aims. Nobody is perfect here, and I don't think perfection is what these people are looking for. It might be a change or an improvement. Some people here put accent on intellectual stuff, others want to work their emotional issues etc. For me, this forum looks like an organism, and we are cells trying to make this organism work properly.
As I read the forum everyday it became a mirror of its own - that is without direct feedback from members. I watched as new members came in, and I recognised myself in the attitudes of the more self-important ones, the splitters, the internal considerers who don't know they are missing the point. Just like I didn't. I watched my emotions react to those who seemed to be 'being nice' in order to ingratiate themselves with the network. Anger and frustration usually manifested. It was sometimes hard to resist posting in response to such activity. I asked myself why this was so. Why did it affect me so much? The answer was that I expected members to 'see' what I saw and deal with it. This would validate me and confirm my worth if only to myself. The fact that some of my 'seeing' might be distorted didn't dawn on me.
You cannot know exactly if those who seemed to be "nice" were just like that "in order to ingratiate themselves with the network". Some of them maybe do appreciate more than you are capable of appreciating. If that something helped them, or made their day, I do not see any reasons for your anger. But sometimes, some people here really do this because they are wishful thinkers and they hope to "look good" on this forum, even though these things won't work for a long time. "Everybody wants a piece of the pie, but when it comes to really contribute with something you keep skipping it". That's when the ones with courage will always show up, and the cowards will just vanish. I think it also affected you because of your wish to be noticed, to be approved.
Another important post I read was by someone I can't remember. I apologise for this. But she/he said that in order to understand the true meaning behind someone's post, she imagined it, and read it, in every way it could possibly be meant. She/he would then choose the most positive version. This is sheer magic.
It might be sheer magic, but trying to read in every way it could possibly be meant(without choosing the most positive version) is also a method of understanding another, in order to give the best response. How can I try to understand what you are writing here, if I am not placing my foot in your shoe, even if a little bit?
One of the reasons for posting all this is because of something I read in the Splitting thread about the dangers of lying. I have been lying by omission. Using a combination of ' I can deal myself with any problems I might have - no point in giving them to the network' and 'if I expose myself someone is bound to use it against me' I have avoided honest contribution. Of course this is fear-based - fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is a baseless fear. I don't feel that fear anymore. But again vigilance is required.
This is very very true, I must thank you for writing this. It is also a problem I am dealing with sometimes. I have to learn to be as open as possible. It is the fear of the predator of being uncovered.
But in being honest I must admit that I want the community to feel better about my presence here. I don't like this feeling of rejection, despite the fact that it's playing its part in bringing me to this point at which I feel more genuine, less harmful to the network, and saner.
I have a strong sense of wanting to contribute - especially in terms of research. I have just been made redundant and am fortunate enough to be able to own my own time and do what I want to do. For at least a year anyway. The last seven years as a manager has taken its toll on my mental/emotional/psychological health. Nothing that can't be undone. I'm undoing it now.
I don't think anyone rejects you here. It is only you that has to choose
what to contribute with,
when you have something meaningful to say to others and
how to say it. People will help you when they can(also good to take in mind, nobody is obliged to say something just because you demand a response). It takes time and energy to give responses to ones situation.
Hopefully I said something that can help you. Again, thanks for what you said up there. It is also a great opportunity for me to put in writing my opinions, I am learning to help others, so on this way I am making mistakes.
Ed
Do you ever wish you could lay down and go to sleep, permanently?I just looked it up on slang dictionary. I could only find a derivative of the term - 'woo' which refers to female genitalia. No doubt the term I used refers to the same. My instant reaction is to beat myself up, but I'll take a less painful alternative and see it as a lesson (yet another one) to be sure of what I'm posting. Thanks for flagging it.
Unbelievable. Of course it could be my very self importance that generates this thought. But if that is a strategy by the elders etc I am blown away and deeply grateful for it.
