I think you’ve gotten some good advice Celtic Warrior, and want to add a couple of things that I noticed. I hope they don’t come across as too harsh and I could be totally wrong but these were my initial impressions...
I fully agree and want to allow her to experience a different side of myself. It should be her comfort and security that concerns me. Also, I hadn't made it clear that I'm not attempting reconciliation because she is not ready for it and mentioned if she chooses to remain apart then I can accept it. My outlook is to share mutual respect and understanding.
I think what maybe led to the misunderstanding is what you wrote at the beginning of your post:
“This may be the last opportunity that I have to interact with her, so it is very important to me that I can establish that improvement while she's with me.” To me it says that you care more about yourself then her. Why do you place so much weight showing how much you’ve improved in one quick visit? It might be important to you but what about her? In any case, whatever you do proves nothing except that you can behave decently for just 15 minutes (or however long it takes for her to get her things but I imagine it won’t be a long stay).
Now, my two year old nephew can behave decently when we go out to eat in a restaurant for about 45 minutes. That’s it. Any longer than that all hell breaks loose. This is likely to go on for a while until he grows up a bit more and learns how to manage his behavior. There’s not much you can do at that point since he’s two although they usually grow out of it (good parenting helps as well). But in either case there is a process that has to happen and it can take a long time before decent behavior becomes an integral part of him. For some it can take their whole life.
In other words, a single pleasant interaction is not going to demonstrate much in terms of what you are like
all the time. My nephew is pleasant – until he’s not. You have 10 years of ‘not pleasant’ moments that are not easily dismissed. So I think that the best thing to do is to let go of the idea that you are ‘showing her I can change’. In order to show someone you can change you have to
actually change, and that doesn’t happen overnight, or a day or a week or sometimes even months or even years. It takes a lot of effort and work to break out of ingrained thoughts and habits, especially things you’ve been doing your whole life which you are just realizing (or acknowledging) now.
For example you also write:
“{I} want to allow her to experience a different side of myself.” It sounds like you are saying she needs your
permission to experience a different side of you (by that you mean the pleasant side right?). Why should she need it? Because she’s not deserving of it? Or is it that you see yourself as about above her? There seems to be a lot of resentment in that statement and to me it looks like you are nowhere close to where you think you are in terms of having embraced any kind of lasting change or understanding of how you arrived at this point in your marriage.
It's my goal to show her that I can change while rebuilding respect and trust.
Perhaps that could be better reframed as something like “It’s my goal to prove to
myself that I can change and not stay stuck where I am.” Placing your goal on an external factor, like to ‘prove’ something to another person is not a good approach. What if no matter what you do she wants nothing to do with you? Does that devalue the work you put in on becoming a better person? Or, will that create a narrative for why you can’t change?
The other problem is that it takes away the burden of failure off of you and externalizes it, which is not productive. How about instead making the measure of your goal contingent on yourself?
What I mean by that is to start clearly defining the steps you need to act in such a way that earns the trust and respect of
everyone, not just her. As you do, things around you will begin to reflect that. She might notice it or not – it actually doesn’t matter. But if you continue to work towards a better self and take on greater responsibility then you will improve your life, whether she’s a part of it or not. To really grow and learn you need to start with the assumption you are responsible for everything you’ve done; in other words own your burden and use
that as the impetus for change, not another person.
I don't know if you've seen Jordan Peterson's
Future Authoring program, but I highly recommend it and found it helpful in working out what I wanted to work towards, what steps were needed, what happens if I fail and many other questions that get you to really think about what you are doing, why, how and etc.
FWIW