Laura said:
The Narcissistic Family then brings it back home again. This is a painful book to read because if, by some remote chance, you were able to go through the other three books and keep thinking "oh, that doesn't apply to me," then that final illusion will be stripped away with TNF.
This was an exceptionally useful book for me - thank you Laura. The case study in the appendix of psychotherapy sessions with Mr and Mrs Blake were an almost identical type of negative feedback loop that our situation has deteriorated to. Our marriage was dysfunctional, destructive, with poor communication on both sides. I could see from TNF that I was from a covert narcissitic family background and my wife from a traumatic overtly narcissitic background. - the result being that neither of us could empathise with each others actions, speech and behaviour and the conflict we were having was becoming more acute and prolonged as further issues were building on long-standing unresolved issues.
I can see now how i was blind to the fact that what i had considered was a normal and happy family upbringing has in fact caused me to exhibit narcissistic traits of intellectual retreat, coldness and indifference and difficulty in communicating my feelings. My partner was bottling up her feelings, snapping at the slightest provercation, displaying deep mistrust that was verging on paranoia and reacting to her 'mind read' interpretation of my justifications.
We did have a joint therapy session that we won't be continuing - it degenerated amusingly into petty accusations about how me not buying a nan bread for my wife was seen as me imposing a gluten-free diet on her and her buying cakes i thought was her trying to tempt and control me!...but was useful in getting us talking together without being at each others throats.
We are now just beginning to use the techniques suggested in TNF to get to the important issues affecting us, working hard to maintain Respectable Adult communication (RAC) and using compartmentalisation (putting issues in boxes) to discuss rationally what the issues are and what is going to best for us and our son. For the first time our relationship is being discussed as it actually is - without the illusion of what we would both like it to be or the ideals we are clinging to. How this will pan out is still uncertain but we both feel like a dark cloud has been lifted from us and we can really begin to creatively forge our own futures.
So thank you once again for the suggestions. I cannot recommend them highly enough. The positive effects that this will have on our son cannot be underestimated.
on a side note: Recently I saw in a different thread Anart refer to my 'marriage' in single quotes. This simple use of quotes hit me like a brick how we were both clinging to an illusion of what a marriage should be - incredible how the smallest of subtlety can have such deep impact.
on a side moan: Unfortunately 'Trapped in the mirror' has become 'trapped in the post' so i am trying to track down a synopsis or alternative source - being a little reticent to buy it twice.
