engagedinattempting
Padawan Learner
I have read The Wave and Adventures and some other articles in the past three weeks, amazed with and thankful for all the learning opportunities being presented here. I had seen Castenada's The Active Side referenced several times and began reading it yesterday.
It begins (for those who may not have read it) with Juan Matus encouraging Castenada to recall memorable events in his life, and to "take all the time in the world, but hurry". Castenada, over a period of time, recalls this and that and the other, but all are unacceptable to Juan Matus as being piles of "nonsense", as being too personal. During my reading, I stop occasionally and think back on my own life, searching for a memorable event that, as Juan Matus explains, will stand the test of time, that I will be "in the thick of...but not quite personally..." that will have a "dark touch of the impersonal". I, like Castenada, come up with piles of nonsense that I thought were important at the time, but that clearly would not meet these not quite clear standards. I sigh. So hard, this business. I read on.
Juan Matus gives Castenada plenty of time to struggle with this matter and, eventually, offers help. He reminds Castenada of a story Castenada once told him, and orders him to recount it again in the finest detail. It is a very sad story of a friend taking Castenada to an aging whore who will perform a most amazing and seductive dance in front of a mirror. Castenada goes, the whore dances. Castenada feels such loneliness and despair as he watches that he runs from the room. Juan Matus explains that the story is memorable because it touches everyone in the world, that no matter what we think of ourselves or what anyone else thinks of us, we are all the same: "Senseless figures in front of a mirror".
I close the book and think some more about my life. There is nothing that comes to mind.
A few hours later it's time for me to do EE. I'm not looking forward to this, my fifth exercise, because the last two times I developed some weird resistance to the round breathing part, manifesting as an extremely uncomfortable feeling of tension in my lower back coupled with feelings of breathlessness and almost unbearable complete-body heat. However, I tell myself, I've learned more useful and important things about myself and this world in the last three weeks than I've learned in the entire rest of my life. Everything Laura's written that I've checked out is undeniably true and (I keep talking) if she says this EE is a good thing I'll keep on with it until I see results or come to believe strongly that it's not for me.
The breathing exercise is wonderful as the thought came to me at the beginning of round breathing that I shouldn't worry about getting enough air, that I should think about using the breath as it came. And I did and it was good.
I had resolved at the beginning that I would attempt to remain focused during the meditation instead of just zoning out as I had previously. It seemed that the best way for me to do this would be to mentally repeat it as Laura said it. So I did and it was good...so unexpectedly good. Midway through the second recitation I realized that this was the prayer I had wanted to pray all my life, this was the expression of life I wanted to be...I continued listening but couldn't repeat along because I was crying like I hadn't cried since I was a kid. All lies about who I've been and what I've done and how I've treated others disappeared, and I was offered just a peek over the chasm that contains all the hurt and despair and misery I've caused. Such sorrow I felt, but also a sense that, if I can look and admit and accept, I can forgive myself and, more importantly, my other-selves.
Two hours later I'm mostly done with the tears when Juan Matus enters my mind, and with him an amazing memory forgotten for almost twenty years. The memory of a dancing woman.
I was at the small rented house of a new boss, having been invited for drinks. The music was too loud and the new boss and his buddy weren't folks I really wanted to hang out with but, with adequate booze on hand, I felt I could tolerate whatever had to be tolerated. Then a phone call. New boss hangs up and announces that entertainment is on the way. Good, I think, a truckload of pretty young women (I did a lot of wishful thinking), plenty to drink, the night is young...Ha! Through the door comes a skinny, scraggly, tore-down woman of clearly advanced years. Her poor face is a battleground and she is cheaply and raggedly dressed, yet she moves into the room in a dancing, sinuous manner, as though she believes herself magnificently desirable. After her demand for a drink is met, she begins slowly unbuttoning her top as she dances about, cheered on by these two oafs with whom I find myself. I am filled with revulsion for these guys and am embarrassed and sad for the woman. For myself, not much judgement or self-analysis. I am, after all, smart enough and good enough and so above all this that I have the good sense to make hurried excuses and leave.
And my life drifted on.
What am I to make of the fact that I have a dancing woman similar to Castenada's? That the memories of them came to both of us rather effortlessly through the actions of Juan Matus (however fictional they, or even he, might be)?
I don't know what Juan Matus intends for Mr. Castenada, as I haven't read any further. What I'm taking from what I'm viewing as one of my memorable events is this: That the Divine Cosmic Mind or my future-selves or whoever has been trying to speak to me for quite some time and was saying with the dancing woman, in effect, "Look at this, what you've come to, this terrible state of affairs. This was not what you intended!"
And it wasn't what I intended. I know that now. Figures in front of a mirror. Senseless. This is a helpful thing to try to remember for the rest of my life.
I needed to talk to someone about this and, due to my particular circumstances, you good people are it! If all that I've carried on about here is a "pile of nonsense" it will be better for me to know it now instead of later. And if I've taken away entirely the wrong thing or am guilty of some manner of defective thinking, it is certainly not anyone's fault but mine. Thank you past/present/future Laura and Troops for this attempt-at-learning opportunity that all your efforts make possible.
It begins (for those who may not have read it) with Juan Matus encouraging Castenada to recall memorable events in his life, and to "take all the time in the world, but hurry". Castenada, over a period of time, recalls this and that and the other, but all are unacceptable to Juan Matus as being piles of "nonsense", as being too personal. During my reading, I stop occasionally and think back on my own life, searching for a memorable event that, as Juan Matus explains, will stand the test of time, that I will be "in the thick of...but not quite personally..." that will have a "dark touch of the impersonal". I, like Castenada, come up with piles of nonsense that I thought were important at the time, but that clearly would not meet these not quite clear standards. I sigh. So hard, this business. I read on.
Juan Matus gives Castenada plenty of time to struggle with this matter and, eventually, offers help. He reminds Castenada of a story Castenada once told him, and orders him to recount it again in the finest detail. It is a very sad story of a friend taking Castenada to an aging whore who will perform a most amazing and seductive dance in front of a mirror. Castenada goes, the whore dances. Castenada feels such loneliness and despair as he watches that he runs from the room. Juan Matus explains that the story is memorable because it touches everyone in the world, that no matter what we think of ourselves or what anyone else thinks of us, we are all the same: "Senseless figures in front of a mirror".
I close the book and think some more about my life. There is nothing that comes to mind.
A few hours later it's time for me to do EE. I'm not looking forward to this, my fifth exercise, because the last two times I developed some weird resistance to the round breathing part, manifesting as an extremely uncomfortable feeling of tension in my lower back coupled with feelings of breathlessness and almost unbearable complete-body heat. However, I tell myself, I've learned more useful and important things about myself and this world in the last three weeks than I've learned in the entire rest of my life. Everything Laura's written that I've checked out is undeniably true and (I keep talking) if she says this EE is a good thing I'll keep on with it until I see results or come to believe strongly that it's not for me.
The breathing exercise is wonderful as the thought came to me at the beginning of round breathing that I shouldn't worry about getting enough air, that I should think about using the breath as it came. And I did and it was good.
I had resolved at the beginning that I would attempt to remain focused during the meditation instead of just zoning out as I had previously. It seemed that the best way for me to do this would be to mentally repeat it as Laura said it. So I did and it was good...so unexpectedly good. Midway through the second recitation I realized that this was the prayer I had wanted to pray all my life, this was the expression of life I wanted to be...I continued listening but couldn't repeat along because I was crying like I hadn't cried since I was a kid. All lies about who I've been and what I've done and how I've treated others disappeared, and I was offered just a peek over the chasm that contains all the hurt and despair and misery I've caused. Such sorrow I felt, but also a sense that, if I can look and admit and accept, I can forgive myself and, more importantly, my other-selves.
Two hours later I'm mostly done with the tears when Juan Matus enters my mind, and with him an amazing memory forgotten for almost twenty years. The memory of a dancing woman.
I was at the small rented house of a new boss, having been invited for drinks. The music was too loud and the new boss and his buddy weren't folks I really wanted to hang out with but, with adequate booze on hand, I felt I could tolerate whatever had to be tolerated. Then a phone call. New boss hangs up and announces that entertainment is on the way. Good, I think, a truckload of pretty young women (I did a lot of wishful thinking), plenty to drink, the night is young...Ha! Through the door comes a skinny, scraggly, tore-down woman of clearly advanced years. Her poor face is a battleground and she is cheaply and raggedly dressed, yet she moves into the room in a dancing, sinuous manner, as though she believes herself magnificently desirable. After her demand for a drink is met, she begins slowly unbuttoning her top as she dances about, cheered on by these two oafs with whom I find myself. I am filled with revulsion for these guys and am embarrassed and sad for the woman. For myself, not much judgement or self-analysis. I am, after all, smart enough and good enough and so above all this that I have the good sense to make hurried excuses and leave.
And my life drifted on.
What am I to make of the fact that I have a dancing woman similar to Castenada's? That the memories of them came to both of us rather effortlessly through the actions of Juan Matus (however fictional they, or even he, might be)?
I don't know what Juan Matus intends for Mr. Castenada, as I haven't read any further. What I'm taking from what I'm viewing as one of my memorable events is this: That the Divine Cosmic Mind or my future-selves or whoever has been trying to speak to me for quite some time and was saying with the dancing woman, in effect, "Look at this, what you've come to, this terrible state of affairs. This was not what you intended!"
And it wasn't what I intended. I know that now. Figures in front of a mirror. Senseless. This is a helpful thing to try to remember for the rest of my life.
I needed to talk to someone about this and, due to my particular circumstances, you good people are it! If all that I've carried on about here is a "pile of nonsense" it will be better for me to know it now instead of later. And if I've taken away entirely the wrong thing or am guilty of some manner of defective thinking, it is certainly not anyone's fault but mine. Thank you past/present/future Laura and Troops for this attempt-at-learning opportunity that all your efforts make possible.
