Reflections on a life of high strangeness

discovering tobacco in 1998 gave me a "fighting chance" against this formidable adversary
I think tobacco should probably be okay because you know your limit and maybe the same goes for a couple of (gluten free) beers once in a while (you'd know best!). But it would be interesting to see what you observe once you cut weed out for some time, as a little experiment. :-)
 
I think tobacco should probably be okay because you know your limit and maybe the same goes for a couple of (gluten free) beers once in a while (you'd know best!). But it would be interesting to see what you observe once you cut weed out for some time, as a little experiment. :-)

I think total sobriety and abstinence is what I am eventually working towards, but I need to be realistic about this matter. Cutting down to only having a beer when following the football on weekends is how I currently manage it. The weed needs to be given up ultimately. I actually preferred the old days of sharing hashish with my late brother, we had some good times. He died in 2018, and his loss hit me hard. But weed these days is a bit of a pot-pourri of different strains. I did research on this kind of stuff years back, because I wanted to avoid smoking "high-grade" strains. Way too risky for me smoking that kind of stuff. Anyway, it's got me thinking that these days I use it occasionally for a kind of catharsis, if that makes sense? Just an emotional release that I'm not getting in the natural way? I'm considering a number of options in my mind on how I can find positive outlets in my social and leisure life. I used to play a lot of ten pin bowling, pool too. All that fell away as the anti-smoking laws came in. I kinda miss those days. I was rubbish at bowling, but I loved the act of trying! Pool I was good at, always a fave sport of mine as a younger man. I'm thinking about getting back into these two activities in particular.
 
By the summer of 2016 my life had settled down to a gentle pace, and my beleaguered soul was re-adjusting to basic reality. I was out of work, but I had sorted out my financial and mental life very satisfactorily earlier in the year. I was now taking olanzapine and melatonin each and every night, and was sleeping well with far less troublesome dreams. I was working on a number of artistic works as I had plenty of time on my hands, and for some reason I wasn't getting any stress from the voices during this period. I wasn't smoking weed, I'd given up drink after a drunken fall the year before, so was living a pretty clean cut life. I was still a 20 cigs a day guy however, always been my main vice since starting in 1998. I cut my hair short, and shaved off my beard too. Kinda like laying a marker down. A fresh start.

Not all was rosy in the garden however; I was always a person who suffered from a degree of social anxiety, (this in many ways explains how in 1994 when I moved to London, I experimented with booze and smokes to ease myself a little.) and socially I was becoming more of a solitary figure. I just wasn't getting much out of social living during that summer. Much like previous significant summers, there was the Euro 2016 football championships to enjoy. I can perfectly recall where I was and what I was like by picturing any World Cup or Euro Cup championship since 1986, it's uncanny! It's like I have a sporting bookmark that gets a new impression every 2 years! Anyway I had a whale of a time that summer, cheering Wales on in the football. Financially I was living a frugal life, but in general for the first time in years I was happy. Lonesome, but content.

The weather was fine, I was painting, drawing, writing, while also recovering from a prolonged period of traumatic stress. I began that summer taking stock of my notes in my books and journals, creating the compendium of memories and reflections that have been my main resource in this thread. Before I'd heard of Jordan Peterson I'd already divided my journals into epochs;

1974-86 Childhood
1986-94 Teenage Kicks
1994-2004 Young Adulthood
2004-2016 Psychosis and Beyond

slowly I was putting all the pieces together to create a broader picture. That summer I really got things started in that respect, recovering all the memories that I could unearth and putting them into a recovery narrative that could account for over 40 years of living. Past Authoring is a fine art that requires commitment and dedication to succeed in. Thankfully I've been journalling now since 1994 so it's second nature now to go over old memories, experiences or sensations. Making sense of one's life trajectory in digestible epochs was invaluable for personal growth.

Also consolidating my knowledge and being via my art collection was worthy too. In having a vast selection of books, cds and dvds I had all my memories from the late 70s onwards on tap at this point, and for a while at least I wasn't suffering any symptoms of paranoid psychosis. It had taken 12 long years of chaos but I was finally on the mend. It's actually quite emotional reflecting on this period, a time where I retreated from society and into a physical reflection of my "Soul Chamber", that secret place I always held within. Well, glimpses at least. As always, this part of me is mercurial and difficult to figure out. For instance, I can go for months without a meaningful thought and then in 3 days a whole slew of memories tumble out of the old Box! I've learned to anticipate nothing, and always be flexible when approaching the unknown in one's mind and heart. One day I hope to have truly made sense of all this drama, but at this point in the summer of 2016, life was slowly getting better. Already I was making more sense in my written work, a sign that my mind and soul was ready to engage in accounting for all this chaos, finally.

I was still painting, and sold a few pictures that summer too. A few punchy poems were written also. I may share some of my work on this forum at some point. For now this written account of my recovery process is keeping me busy enough though. But yeah, the summer of 2016 was a great period where I finally found a bit of order amidst all the chaos. Within a year I'd be rechristened SlipNet as a new member of the forum (actually my 4th incarnation though!), and I once again set to work on understanding my machine, what floated my boat and what made me tick. A hefty task that I just knew would never end....
 
So far in this thread I've covered the years 1974-2016 in detail, and now the period of 2016-24 needs to be accounted for. I spent these years painting/drawing, writing extensive notes from my journals into a coherent narrative, and occasionally working some lamentable jobs. But the quality of my life improved significantly when I finally decided to register on here as SlipNet in 2017. I missed the feedback on my current thinking, and I've long valued the qualities of a network so it seemed to be a logical progression for me as I continued my slow process of rehabilitation. I was also by this point assembling a selection of short stories for an upcoming collected work, but this has been an "on/off" project which I fit around my usual schedule. I'm in no hurry to finish this task, and in any case I'm still recalling old events and memories on a regular basis, so cutting edge data points are constantly turning up.

But the pace of my life has slowed down, and my effort level has improved during these recent years. My schizophrenic symptoms have not totally gone away during these times either. In around summer 2016 I was walking home from my town centre into the suburbs. I noticed a golden glowing figure manifesting on the horizon. It was a clear day with strong sunlight as I saw this. The tall glowing figure wore a toga upon closer inspection, carried a staff and was also holding a baby lamb. I saw this figure a few times in the 2016-17 period. I heard no voices at this time however. Obviously I was cognisant of the Christ/Caesar theory by this time so maybe it was a projection of my subconscious need for a leader at this time? It's certainly possible. Anyway, my journal notes make mention of this sight a few times, and I even did an acrylic painting of Caesar that summer, which was wild and psychedelic. My mind was returning to the whole 4d/UFO subject after years where I placed my emphasis on personal matters.

I continued throughout these years to take Olanzapine daily, though my sleeping was erratic. I was an occasional drinker by this point, and would often smoke a joint with my late elder brother, until his untimely death in winter 2018. We got on well in those later years and I really miss the guy now looking back. He was never one for complex ideas, but we shared many social interests and hobbies. I have always been able to provide social outlets for my soul to enjoy despite the mental health troubles. Ultimately I'm a social creature despite my social anxiety, so it's been good to report that life has been fine in this regard in recent times. Many members of my extended family have migrated to 5d in the last 5 years or so so, well, one's mind naturally turns to one's own eventual death. As an idea, it's become a regular pattern these last few years in particular. I've kinda made my peace with "my maker" now, though I should pray more often I suppose. I don't want to ever take the spiritual aspect of my life for granted. Thankfully my journals (which I have condensed for this thread) have given me a spiritual asset, because I can get this window into the imagination and logic of countless iterations of my younger self! Whilst not being a particularly religious person I retain a kind of reverence for the soul.

It's also interesting to note that during these recent years my UFO/4d/Pandora's Box selection seemed to have slowed down to a trickle. I haven't seen so much weird stuff during these years, though it remains true that I see the little 3ft transparent figures floating in the air sometimes still. Just out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I also made the effort to eat more meat back in 2016, and good meat is a part of my daily regime now. Maybe this has had an effect on how I am and what I see? I plan on working through my final notes on the period 2017-24 in my closing points on this thread soon. After several years of a swirling chaos, everything just settled down and I could then recover what I needed. One of the toughest aspects of going through all this info is the suspicion that if I'd just been a little smarter, more cautious and less self-indulgent over the years then perhaps I'd have suffered less? The lessons have been ambiguous, and slow to reform in my mind. How things have improved since 2016 is that I own up to things I've done now. Before I'd say "it was my predator/4d STS/program" and not take responsibility. And then this creates dualities in the mind where things can calcify and fragment, and then you have people with split personalities. An unbridgeable schism. Not good. So, as a recovering "sinner", I am older, wiser, and more forgiving than I perhaps used to be. I've never been "bad" per se, but I have sailed a little close to the wind vis a vis drugs etc.

Writing has proven (along with art and music) to be a crucial part of the learning process. Along with having a good memory for details. Reading is all well and good, but for a few years back then I was a bit of a "reading machine", and I was just spreading myself too thin across myriad subjects. Now I read less, but I understand more. I think overall it's reflective of my age now; I am 49, approaching the milestone that is 50, and taking stock of life matters has become a big personal project these last few years. Basically, if I can look back on this thread in 10 years time, read, understand, and not cringe, well then I would be satisfied with that. Hopefully by then I'll have a whole new slew of challenges to face as I think we are fast approaching a period of considerable chaos. Thank you for reading.
 
I've also managed to gather 2 old dreams, 2 memories that have tumbled out of the Box and into my conscious recall. Such days I live for! The first one is incredibly bizarre. In the dream I'm a soldier and travelling by helicopter to a remote base on the Pembrokeshire coastline. It's a busy scene, I'm with about 3 other people, and they constantly transmogrify before my eyes, even switching gender and facial details. Very weird dream! Anyway we land at this base and I'm taken down into a lift and before I know it I'm transported from this base to a small town on the west of Wales, Camarthen. I know this building well, and I am walking up a familiar staircase to see my manager. When I reach his door, I knock for permission to enter. The door opens and I am beckoned inside. Inside the room is a makeshift medical set-up, with a large glass tank holding what looks like an alien torso. Loads of little wires are connected to it and they crackle and snap and the alien twitches away in front of me. There are 3 men in lab coats holding clip boards and gesturing to me to help this alien. I just stare in wonder at this alien and say little else, just gob-smacked.:umm: Then I wake up from the dream and write it down in my journal. This dream would have been from around 2008. A truly weirdo experience!

The other dream I had was the "Ghoul Dream". I am invited to a remote house to stay for a night, but inside the house there is a Ghoul who, if he finds you, well he will kill you, dismember your corpse and most probably eat you as well. I recall travelling to this remote house in the dream in an old white British sports car. I said to the driver that I have no idea why I am going to this old house, but here I am travelling there. This dream terrified me at the time. I can recall the environment with remarkable detail. All the stairs and floors are made of an old creaky wood. It only makes muted sounds but it's enough to properly scare you. Naturally in the dream I'm walking around this old house made of wooden flooring, desperately trying to find an exit and get the hell out of there before this raving Ghoul finds me and eats me!:scared: In this dream I was moving around in a frantic fashion for what seemed like an age, trying to find a way out. I'd be going down stairs, checking every door, occasionally getting shit-scared because I heard a creaking in another room, man it was probably the scariest dream I've ever had. After what felt like an age, I open one door which then takes me into a cramped kitchen of a London townhouse. That's 2 dreams now where I'm just magically transported from one place to another. I anxiously try to find my way down the hallway to get out into the London streets and feel somewhat safe. I do actually manage to exit the house and I awaken from the dream frantically pounding the streets of Inner London, fearful of the Ghoul! I wrote about these 2 dreams in my journals years back, but had to make mention of them as I was recently reminded of them by some mischievous part of my soul!

Once again I am thankful to my crazy subconscious being for coming up with 2 crazy, ultra-realistic dream environments. Both felt totally real when I was involved in the dream, and the second one was probably the scariest dream I've ever had. The production values of dream states is a little pet hobby of mine. I've been watching great movies since the late 70s, so I think I know a good scene. Both these dreams were tip top, and powerful experiences. The helicopter felt real. The alien felt real to behold. The sports car in the second dream rattled as we went over bumps in the road! Whose mind would come up with this level of nerdy detail for a freakin' dream? I've long been of the opinion that if we had full dream recall we would have a revolution in consciousness within years. These 2 dreams were primal and powerful, and incredibly intense to revisit even! I recall how bloody relieved I was waking up from the Ghoul dream! I'm happy to be looking at these 2 dreams from the 2000s, knowing full well that they were only tests of some sort I guess. I was bang into my "Alien" phase of reading back then, so it must have fed into my dream states too. The Ghoul dream was more a test of whether I could keep my nerve under extreme pressure. And the funny thing is that it was all done implicitly. Nothing actually happened, but I was freakin' terrified during that dream. 10/10 to the Director of that little horror classic!:lol:

Anyway, just 2 wee dreams that made an impression on me back in 2008 to want to write about all these long years later. If any more come back to my recall I may note them down. Back in around 2008 when I had these dreams I was very focused on proving the alien hyperdimensional hypothesis, and it clearly fed into my dream world in a smooth fashion. Now I know more, but my dreams aren't so intense. And for that I should be thankful actually!
 
I had another weird dream the other night. I have a large cyst growing on my neck and in the back of my mind I know that I'll be hospitalised to drain it in the coming months. I have a real nausea for hospitals, mainly 'cos in them I cannot smoke. I'm a 20 a day guy, so this has left me pensive. Anyway, that was the backdrop for the dream I then had. I was in the hospital receiving a consultation from a female doctor. She explained that the cyst was too small so they couldn't operate on it yet so they sent me away and I was discharged. I was fuming 'cos I just wanted it dealt with. Anyway, I pounded out of the hospital and set about in my dream to walk the 4 miles home to my place in the suburbs. So far so mundane. Now things went weird. I began climbing a grassy mound and I was approaching my old school building, long since being left derelict today. I thought it would be good to have a little wander through the corridors of memory so I headed up in the school's direction.

Then I was struck by a stray leather football. It caught me off-guard and I struck it with real venom, sending the ball sailing off down a grassy bank. Then a gang of youths shouted at me for not giving them the ball back. I apologised but left them to go off and retrieve their ball, as I headed off in search of the doorway to my old school. Within minutes I was in a pure reverie; old faces from years gone by flashed in my mind, all the people I once knew! I came upon some grassy downward steps and thought I was getting closer to the school. In reality however, I was not, as within mere moments I'm in a dank green grassy maze like something composed by M C Escher. Up and down I went up these bizarre staircases which always came back on themselves. I began to wheeze and feel shortness of breath; I was lost, and I was panicking. I could no longer see the sky, I was traipsing round in circles in this jungly maze and now I was digging ever deeper down.

I stopped walking up stairs and sought to climb directly upwards up the grassy walls of this labyrinth and head for the sun. This was stressing me out big time in the dream. I was hyper-conscious of being short of breath and climbed the walls with great anxiety. Eventually I reached a plateau, I could see a crack of blue sky just directly above me. Obscuring the view were more grassy walls and steps leading nowhere. But I couldn't get any further upwards, the small gaps in the grassy walls were too narrow for me to squeeze through. I was stuck in a small, 4 foot grassy space with a long way down and no way up. I suddenly felt very claustrophobic and let out a scream for someone to help me. I wasn't trapped, but I couldn't face climbing back down into the grassy maze.

Then at this point of near total despair and blind panic, I awoke with a great shudder and I took a number of really deep breaths. I limbered up, had a good stretch and then had my morning coffee and cig, and mused on being trapped in that terrible maze in the dream. It prevented a more interesting dream I was intending to have, walking down the corridors of my old school. For some reason I got lost and trapped somewhere along the way. And I still have this damn cyst on my neck in real life too. It's a curious distraction to send me into a labyrinth when the more mundane dream would have carried much more value. I pride myself on my memory, so will meditate on this little mental dwelling place and explore it further. Thankfully not a horror dream like some of the other ones, but being trapped in a maze was maddening, that frenzy of angst when you realise you're trapped, just horrible. I went for a good walk later that day too. I needed to feel those wide open spaces. Anyway, another weird dream to report.:-)
 
Another strange dream tumbled out of my soul chamber and into my conscious mind came back to me recently. It dates back to 2004 when I was living on the south coast of England and was preparing to return home to Wales later that year. This was a portentous dream. It was a warning from somewhere, maybe my higher self. It fits with certain dream archetypes and seemed tailored to suit my mental processes as a 29 year old in 2004. In the dream I'm asleep and dreaming! Yes! A Meta-Dream! Just what I needed....lol!:lol: Probing deeper I was talking to "god" in my dream-state. I asked him when Christ would return? A sonorous voice replied, ".....it takes........time!" and I feel excited at the prospect of the second coming. In the dream then (stay with me), I awake and tell my parents the good news. I'm no longer in England where I was dreaming, I was back home in west Wales. My parents are odd and dismissive of my morning euphoria and wild evangelising, so I slope off and settle in my bedroom where I begin to write in my journal. I strum a little on my guitar too and sing a few mournful songs about how "no-one believes". I keep myself busy and eventually my dreamstate morphs into what I perceived at the time to be a warning of the future.

In the dream I am awaking from sleep. It's 2 am, and rain is lashing down outside. I can hear it rattling off the windows. My body feels lithe and tall, much taller than how I actually am. I stoop to exit through the bedroom door. So I'm in the dream just lurching through my parent's home. I open the kitchen door. In the room is my mother, and a bloke who looks like a version of me, both are sitting around the kitchen table. I'm astounded at this point, seeing me in the third person! Naturally now I needed to want to know who "I" am as the observer at this point in the dream? I ask the me that's sitting in the kitchen, "who am I then?", to which he/I replies, "...it's simple. You're YOU, silly!". Then he/I began laughing, and I suddenly felt extremely downcast. I left my mum and "self" in the kitchen as they prattled about some nonsense and lo I sought out a mirror in the hallway. I needed to find out who "I" was, if the real me was in the kitchen laughing. Really weird dream this one. it's many dreams inter-penetrating each other in a fluid, non-linear way. I stood in the hallway under a subtle light, right before a mirror. I am dressed head to toe in close fitting black leather, jacket and jeans. then I utter a scream as I see my face! My face is grotesque and distorted, just monstrous in an indescribable way. "WHY? Why do I look like this?" I scream in the dream, to the sound of canned laughter coming from the sidelines. And then, naturally, I wake up.

I wrote about this dream years back in my journals. It;s a kind of meta-dream riffing on "Dorian Gray", probably dealing with indulgence and sin, and the need for intelligence and restraint, along with love and understanding. I "was" my sinful self in that dream, chatting with my pure, cleansed self. This dream was had by me 20 years ago and still haunts me now to this day. To realise that you are the monster, the true horror of what you fear most, is something to behold. Once you experience that, well, you can never go back. Reality changes that day, and your load gets a little heavier to carry from that day on. But, you can handle it. You knew this day was coming sooner or later. we all have our shadow selves. the Cs have mentioned how our soul essences carry a wide spectrum of modes of being, not all of them beaufiful to behold. Back in 2004, I got a wee glimpse into that. That figures, I started reading The Wave in summer 2003, so it makes sense. To my knowledge it's the only time I've been dreaming "in my dream". But it ties things together in my mind when I really relax with flow and not seek to define things too precisely.
 
These recent dream recollections have given me some new stuff to chew on mentally. Our world is subtly dystopian at the moment in my view. I'm conscious that I have my VISA card, my mark of the beast, and I struggle to live from month to month. I'm aware that I've struggled with substance use in years gone by, and this stuff tends to sculpt your life more than most of us would dare admit. I understand my appetites more as a raw being now than say I did in 1994 for example. In the Blakeian sense the road to excess DOES lead to the palace of wisdom, but only to those who can moderate their appetites. That enraged Blake to discover in one of his many conversations with an Angel of God, who he sought to transform into a Devil. The crafty old bugger knew more than he let on I find. But I jest only in part; Those with eyes that see objective reality have those extra moral taste buds that help to shape and re-orient the soul. This latter process has largely concerned me in recent years. Having thoughts and feelings from my inner child, as a callow 19 year old, a frenzied, crazy 29 year old, all of it has been relayed in these 5 pages of notes from the far side. this has enriched my soul and made me revere it in an unspoken way. having those varying points of view can all be absorbed into the larger more objective self, if all is understood.

As we approach autumn 2024, I look with ire at the wasteland that is the UK Government and the shit storm with Trump/Harris in the US, and also vile assholes like Cheney and Netanyahu getting their wicked ways. It's just infuriating and many of us are now impatient for the comets to come and administer some cosmic justice. Yes, I've been there. An old riff in my troubled mind. Just how bad are things gonna have to get to wake the docile mainstream normies up? I guess it's going to happen eventually. My pet theory thus far is a cautious admission from the PTB that they are aware of an "alien" intelligence, and a soft, "fascist" disclosure. Will there be objective data on the Grays? Lizards? Nordics? Mantids? Once that door is open, we can blow the hinges off with accurate data. It is this future that I work towards in my written work. I'm not the smartest of guys but I'm determined and practical in my approach, and like I've said before it's been a threefold task, to expand what you know, to test what you can do and to always question what you believe. The truth from this aggregate is what shapes what one would take for objective reality. And always try to ascertain the hard data on what someone says/does, and the differences therein. And come to your own conclusions, very important. You are you. Be you.

Roswelll, along with JFK and 9-11, are the pivotal points in recent history. And they all tie nicely into the beast system that now plagues the earth. We all conform to a point. With the now emerging AI revolution, will the natural ways be superseded? Are we all gonna become obsolete in the brave new world? Not a chance. We have access to the hard data. A 30 year database. In 5 pages on here I've tried to put together a 50 year dossier on weird doings in a west Welsh town. I think we've all got a tale, but not everyone chose to keep journals. It turned out to be a lucky charm in my life. To have that window into younger iterations of my soul has proven to be a beautiful thing. it's also helped big time in getting me to put old broken pieces of myself back together again. In the winter I am approaching my 50th birthday, which is for me a major landmark. Half a century of wild living to account for. I'll follow up with showing the methodology that has shaped my recovery since 2016, most definitely since coming back on here in 2017. I'll write plenty about what was occupying my mind back then. For now it's just infuriating me that Israel can kill with impunity while the US/UK provide all logistical support and weaponry. This is the industry of death that reigns supreme in the UK where they can't spare a winter fuel allowance of a few grand for pensioners? The MI-C is the sharp end of the beast for sure. But if it's "good for British business" then you can't say shit. Unfortunately with consensus reality to navigate and its inherent falsehoods and mass delusions aplenty, we have it all stacked against us.

But we have a growing database of accurate data. Objective info getting bigger by the day. On myriad subjects related to this blind beast of revelation. And also a solid network of about 7k people from around the world on here, along with countless lurkers. That's something special I think, and it's always good to come on here and just read rather than write anything myself. I've just gotten used to venting on here about dystopian dreams of late, and trying to square that with the strange 4d STS type events from my childhood? It's ultimately the reason why I still write. I don't feel satisfied with the depth of understanding on life memories and events recovered thus far. Need more info. I have a general overview which I've developed as a consequence of writing about the four epochs over the 50 year span. But new fresh data is always welcome with me, I'm all ears for a good new story from Pandora's Box.

The concept of the soul chamber, a secret spiritual place held and closely guarded deep within, well it has exercised my mind more than any other mystery. Once I wondered what if UFOs were real? Now I'm categorising them based on available data. Analysing threat potential. And I've recovered through journals from 1994-2024 all the available memories from the times when those events of high strangeness occurred. It's a strong database of honest and raw personal accounts. It's a shame that I can't share the images and pictures I've got as well. They helped to flesh out what was being seen in many instances. Having good basic drawing skills has proven to be quite handy in putting old memories together again in many instances. Once I can put a name to a face then I know we're in business! It's also handy for "setting a scene". I'm sure I've seeded certain dreams I've had too. The recent ones made references to John Carpenter and M C Escher, so my early forays into art history and sci-fi movies circa 1991-3 were at work there. I love the splendour and wonder of a pure 4d influenced experience now. I get it often in my dreams. It's usually implied, and never too subtle to get either. Even if I wanted to just go back to sleep and just be a boring normie, the phenomenon itself wouldn't let me. It just reels me back in with every new journal note or another dream recall to blow my tiny mind. There;s plenty of good stuff in my memory banks for a good accounf to cover the Project Recovery 2016-24 period in the coming notes. I'm still putting that period together, plus it also accounts for the exploits of @SlipNet on here too, so it's all good. Here's hoping I get a good night's sleep and don't get spooked by something that goes "bump" in the night.

Sometimes I do think that maybe I stared into the abyss too intently once, and became a little autistic out of the emotional ravaging I went through at the time with my schizophrenia at its most rampant. Like some parts of me shut down emotionally after seeing and hearing too much, and maybe it's a tough road back for earning trust? I'll touch on that too with a few little cautionary tales from the old Box, and shed a bit of light on how I've mended a few bridges within through the healing power of art and music and poetry. Jim Morrison was right when he said true poetry opens doors in the mind. It does. Read William Blake now, and you get an insight of a man who intuitively knows what he's going up against (all orthodoxy) right off the bat. Great art is a window to the soul. And on that happy note I'll end this reflective rant. It's been good to get off my chest and frees me up for the next phase of my reporting on the onerous task, the work on the self. I'll chew on that for a while longer, I'm still trying to figure this puzzle out. Thanks for reading.
 
The last week has been interesting, and I have a few notable incidents to report. The first is an opaque dream I had about a week back, after a bottle of wine. I know, not healthy, but sometimes I just indulge for the hell of it. Anyway, in the dream I was the landlord of a rustic Scottish public house. I was busy pouring pints for the punters, then milling around the busy pub collecting empty glasses. Nothing weird about this dream, but it was very instructive; I was just doing very practical tasks, and engaging in banter with the punters. I awoke from this long dream feeling more capable as a person. For the last 2 hours or so I was running a very busy Scottish pub. There also featured a notable woman, raven haired, about 50, and very attractive. She was very flirty with me, and I played up to this easily too. We chatted at the bar, and she was an engaging speaker, intelligent. Yeah, so I awoke from this dream thinking I had practical skills I've never known, and I still had a slightly romantic yearning for a fulfilling relationship. I've been living as a single man for the last 20 years. It's never bothered me, but the dream kinda reminded me that I do rather miss that feeling of closeness you get in a committed relationship.

My health has been a concern of late. My schizophrenia is managed by medication, but I had what I can only describe as a mild stroke last night as I struggled to sleep. It just felt like I blacked out and lost consciousness for a split second and then I gasped for air and clung to my duvet. For a single moment I felt like I was going to die, but then in an instant I was back, gasping for air like I said and so grateful to be alive. I only slept for 3 hours last night, so will be compensating with a good slumber tonight, touch wood. I saw the little 3ft white alien hominids floating around my room last week too. I also saw a larger figure, and he had large black eyes like a stormtrooper. I've been living pretty healthily, aside from the occasional drink and my regular smoking of tobacco. But this mini stroke spooked me last night. It felt surreal for a tiny instant, and I was gone. Then I came back and all was well. I'm thinking of contacting my GP and booking a wee health check up. As I'm approaching 50 this winter, I need perhaps to slow down a bit. I tend to think in my head I'm still 29, capable of anything. Maybe the wear and tear of my previous rock n' roll years from 19-38 have finally taken their toll. Time to slow down and reflect a little.

Anyway, 2 moments of interest in an otherwise fairly mundane week.
 
The last week has been interesting, and I have a few notable incidents to report. The first is an opaque dream I had about a week back, after a bottle of wine. I know, not healthy, but sometimes I just indulge for the hell of it. Anyway, in the dream I was the landlord of a rustic Scottish public house. I was busy pouring pints for the punters, then milling around the busy pub collecting empty glasses. Nothing weird about this dream, but it was very instructive; I was just doing very practical tasks, and engaging in banter with the punters. I awoke from this long dream feeling more capable as a person. For the last 2 hours or so I was running a very busy Scottish pub. There also featured a notable woman, raven haired, about 50, and very attractive. She was very flirty with me, and I played up to this easily too. We chatted at the bar, and she was an engaging speaker, intelligent. Yeah, so I awoke from this dream thinking I had practical skills I've never known, and I still had a slightly romantic yearning for a fulfilling relationship. I've been living as a single man for the last 20 years. It's never bothered me, but the dream kinda reminded me that I do rather miss that feeling of closeness you get in a committed relationship.

My health has been a concern of late. My schizophrenia is managed by medication, but I had what I can only describe as a mild stroke last night as I struggled to sleep. It just felt like I blacked out and lost consciousness for a split second and then I gasped for air and clung to my duvet. For a single moment I felt like I was going to die, but then in an instant I was back, gasping for air like I said and so grateful to be alive. I only slept for 3 hours last night, so will be compensating with a good slumber tonight, touch wood. I saw the little 3ft white alien hominids floating around my room last week too. I also saw a larger figure, and he had large black eyes like a stormtrooper. I've been living pretty healthily, aside from the occasional drink and my regular smoking of tobacco. But this mini stroke spooked me last night. It felt surreal for a tiny instant, and I was gone. Then I came back and all was well. I'm thinking of contacting my GP and booking a wee health check up. As I'm approaching 50 this winter, I need perhaps to slow down a bit. I tend to think in my head I'm still 29, capable of anything. Maybe the wear and tear of my previous rock n' roll years from 19-38 have finally taken their toll. Time to slow down and reflect a little.

Anyway, 2 moments of interest in an otherwise fairly mundane week.
Go see the GP just to check all is in order 👌.
 
I haven't thus far seen my GP cos he's on holiday at the moment. He knows my health history since 2004, and I will only see him, so I'll wait till he's back before booking a check-up. Sleeping has become a problem however. I'm awake until 6am most nights, and I don't wake until 2pm. So it's a strange nocturnal hinterland I've inhabited of late. I recently purchased a new book, "Jolly Lad" by John Doran. It's a personal account of drug/alcohol/mental illness stories from a seasoned music journalist. Once I've sunk my teeth into it, I'll report back on what's in it, but the reviews I've read have been positive, so this may be a good book for a certain type of person who's been through similar stuff. But, all said, no further health scares so I can engage with objective reality with vigour and will. Knowing that I'll turn 50 in December, that's given me a jolt. It's a real milestone for me. When I was a kid I wanted to be a pop star or a footballer. So strange how those early dreams fade away as reality bites. I've discovered more about our reality than I could have ever envisioned.

For that I am truly grateful; the basic frame work of densities/STS/STO/ponerology etc., this has all brought me to deeper levels of understandings and I feel more confident as a man living in our dystopian age of 2024. Knowing that I kinda live in an underworlde of 3d/4d interactions and experiences due to my intense interest in 4d/UFO material since 2003 has brought great treasures in objective knowledge and understandings. At first I dove into the Cs info back them with great gusto. I was starving for good info and I finally at the age of 28 found what I was looking for. The last 20 years have brought many strange experiences and challenges for sure. I've seen a UFO and had many dreamstates which suggest 4d STS inteference. I'm currently going through my memory banks regarding 2004-24 period in greater detail. I should have more to report in the weeks to come. I hope that this thread can become a good go-to guide for people who have suffered psychosis/schizophrenia in their lives. And also a cautionary tale for anyone who has even the slightest interest in peyote or weed. What hasn't killed me has truly made me stronger.

At this point I'd like to shout-out those among you who have stuck with this thread since I started it, and have provided reactions and feedback. It's all been read and noted by me. Thanks guys, it's good to get that feedback, to tell me when I'm making sense. It's actually intimidating, knowing that I still have dreams/experiences from 2004-24 still to go through. I can easily see this thread going to another 5 pages for sure. I'll report back when I know more. Thanks for reading, and god willing my health troubles are behind me.:-)
 
Sorry to hear you haven't been sleeping well, SlipNet, I hope you can see the GP as soon as he's back!
But this mini stroke spooked me last night. It felt surreal for a tiny instant, and I was gone. Then I came back and all was well. I'm thinking of contacting my GP and booking a wee health check up. As I'm approaching 50 this winter, I need perhaps to slow down a bit. I tend to think in my head I'm still 29, capable of anything. Maybe the wear and tear of my previous rock n' roll years from 19-38 have finally taken their toll. Time to slow down and reflect a little.
Yeah, I think the alcohol might be triggering things. A bottle of wine is quite a lot! Is there a nice alcohol free drink you know of that you can occasionally drink instead of alcohol? I know that San Pelligrino is a good low-sugar option. I think smoking tobacco is probably fine. :cool2:
 
Yeah, I think the alcohol might be triggering things. A bottle of wine is quite a lot! Is there a nice alcohol free drink you know of that you can occasionally drink instead of alcohol? I know that San Pelligrino is a good low-sugar option. I think smoking tobacco is probably fine. :cool2:

Yeah, the booze has to stop. It's been a semi-regular way point in my life since I was 19, so that's 31 years of habit to break. Easier said than done. Recently I've been drinking more black tea, with a small amount of sugar. I don't know if it's healthy, but it tastes nice and it takes my mind off beer. In the mornings it's coffee every time. Although with my insomnia in mind my "mornings" are around 2pm. I tend to crash out around 6am, really strange. Then I sleep ok till the afternoon. I usually use nights as audiobook time, it's perfect for those wakeful hours late at night. I recently finished listening to "The Gallic Wars" by J Caesar, that was stirring of the soul and no mistake. It's a handy alternative to reading books and squinting at text all the time.

I'm actually cutting back slightly on tobacco, nothing drastic but less daily cigs for sure. I just thought I was smoking too much. Now I roll a ciggie and smoke it over a 30 minute period. It's a new way of smoking for me, more stretched out. Thanks for your feedback.:-)
 
A little note from my old journals has given me a chuckle today. It states, quite simply, "do what makes you happy at any given moment.". For years I did what I thought was my duty, and this naturally entailed reading across a wide spectrum of ideas and subjects. But I was spreading myself too thinly, and progress was sporadic and frustrating. My solution was to do more activities which brought me more happiness. My life was out of balance, it was work, work, work, and I was in danger of getting burned-out. I returned to films and music in particular to bring a little light into my serious life. I wrote a dozen songs in a short period, and also wrote several pieces of extended poetry. I also illustrated these too.

It's important to note that my knowledge/being status, as I feel it, improved noticeably when I brought my daily experience into a better balance. Before my workload was quantitative, but now with this change in approach, my workload has become more qualitative. I enjoy my life more as a result of this simple life tweak. I still read loads, and follow dozens of online people to keep myself up to par on recent news developments. But I've seen the value in keeping my sense of fun and exploration. My keyboard playing is still rubbish and clumsy, but it's good enough to bash out a few riffs to accompany my writing of epic poems of late.:lol: Seriously, it's been cathartic. I fully understand how great artists become obsessed with their craft. I'm happy being more mediocre, less obsessive traits work best for me.

But it just goes to show that being kinder to yourself, and not adhering to a punishing reading/work schedule just out of a misguided sense of duty, brings benefits to my general well-being. Just because we're living in the ashes of a fading western civilization doesn't mean that we have to be all "doom and gloom" in our outlooks. The splendour of art inspires me whenever I feel disheartened and overwhelmed in this crazy world. It proves to me that yes, a better world is possible; but it requires knowledge and savoir-fair. Only a well-informed populace can bring this better world into being, and it's that that I'm currently working towards. I'm writing a small book of short stories, jamming about 12 songs on myriad subjects, and working on a few ink drawings. There's so much going on in the world that I never suffer from "writer's block" that's for sure.
 
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