Romantic Fiction, Reality Shaping and The Work

[John G]

It came to me, just as I'm writing this post and reading other posts, that with this reading project, I feel like I´m doing the 7 stages of grief:

1. Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and bargaining
4. Depression
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and hope

I´m currently on No.3, mixed with No. 4. - I´m really angry.

Funny, I was trying to fit my situation to this and at first I was thinking there was no stage 1, it just started with pain and guilt over being an idiot and then I thought oh yeah there was obviously an overconfident disbelief that led to the painful phone call. I started the call as if there was no problem and ended in devastation (there was a slightly long somewhat oddly relieving pause where my main worry was I wasn't going to be able to say OK bye without sounding like I was crying). Good grief (pun originally not intended but then intended including an added Charlie Brown sense), I was apparently still in denial about the original denial. I remember the first school day after the call, I went for my free period to a little used room and looked down at the desk and thought quite angrily if I just stay away from her (pushing out my hands quickly in an away from me gesture), I'm sure I'll be fine by college and then quickly had my head on the desk with my arms over my head. The anger to strategizing to depression was kind of all at once. As the future Lady Stapleton observed, that pain turned depression can fade to a nostalgic dull ache over time.

So what are 5 through 7? Well Cat Stevens/Rod Stewart/Sheryl Crow and Meat Loaf don't seem overly wrong in their first cut is the deepest and two out three ain't bad sense. You probably kind of first go upward in a rebound sense that can include some increased depravity. You really just want to feel more OK for as much of the time as you can. It's like Heartless even if any depravity is usually confined in your mind not hurting anybody. In fact you become even more of the original guilty of idiocy in the take no chances on the outside stay inside yourself sense. Oh maybe there's a little of an upwards that isn't downwards at times.

For me over the summer before college I wrote some pathetic letter and sent it to a friend of my red-haired girl who was actually blonde. At college, I had an instant rebound on the bus taking me to the Freshman Weekend. Diagonally across from me was someone who reminded me of the red-haired girl who was actually blonde. I promptly followed and watched her over the weekend and over my four years at college. She did come up to me once in class and we had a nice conversation about classwork as I looked a lot into her eyes. Before that I had sent her a couple of love letters and after the first one her friends pushed her right into me; I the idiot did nothing but run away. After more of the same throughout my 20s, I kind of lucked out that my 30s came with the online world. After dating a couple of girls I met online, my future mother in law online introduced me to my future wife.

The reconstruction and working through part can certainly include after the wedding. That happened in a couple of these novels. To get to acceptance and hope might in reality require a good bigger picture too kind of like when that novel addressed reincarnation. Probably all the steps always remain at least in some nostalgic dulled sense. It feels like you kind of work at multiple steps at the same time too.

 

[Zar]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and realizations; I can relate to many of them and give me much to think about.

It came to me, just as I'm writing this post and reading other posts, that with this reading project, I feel like I´m doing the 7 stages of grief:

1. Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and bargaining
4. Depression
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and hope

This is an neat list of stages of grief/emotional releases. I finished the Legend of the 4 soldiers recently and I was triggered very deeply as I found myself in a state of apathy(would be stage 1 on this list). While I was perusing youtube I happened to encounter a similar list of emotional states. And one thing I really like that this guy was talking about is the importance of having a reference/anchor to your higher positive emotions, like love, when you're trying to progress up this list so you don't get stuck ruminating the lower ones. Interestingly enough these books do exactly that as they transmute your lower ones into higher ones.

 

[Marina9]

Hello all! I am very late to this thread and far from reading many of the books on the list but I have made a commitment with myself to read no matter what at least 30 mins a day. I am currently reading Julia Quinn's series. It was very hard for me to read novels, I am not used to reading them and didn't see myself reading them, I remember that some time ago I tried to read some of Austen's work but it was so boring for me.... I am now immersed and keen to see what happens with me in this project.

When I finished Julia Quinn's first book next day I woke up with a terrible pain on my chest, I don't know if it was related cause some emotions got stirred up with this book, or just bad posture while sleeping. But anyways, i'm slowly but surely getting there.

 

[seek10]

Thank you @Approaching Infinity and @Mari for the list. I checked Mary Balogh and Anne Gracie's websites and amazon. As of now found around 50+ books to be added to the list. I will be adding them soon.

I added 50 new books to the list based on author's websites and items mentioned in the thread and made some adjustments to series name etc. All the forms and sheet are updated.

271	Anne Gracie	The Brides of Bellaire Gardens	1	The Scoundrel's Daughter
259	Anne Gracie	The Chance Sisters	1	The Autumn Bride
260	Anne Gracie	The Chance Sisters	2	The Winter Bride
261	Anne Gracie	The Chance Sisters	3	The Spring Bride
262	Anne Gracie	The Chance Sisters	4	The Summer Bride
272	Anne Gracie	The Chance Sisters	4.5	The Christmas Bride
268	Anne Gracie			An Honorable Thief
266	Anne Gracie			Gallant Waif
270	Anne Gracie			How the Sheriff Was Won
267	Anne Gracie			Tallie’s Knight
269	Anne Gracie			The Virtuous Widow
265	Anne Gracie & Michael Hirst			The Tudors: The King, the Queen, and the Mistress
242	Mary Balogh	Dark Angel	2	The Famous Heroine /The Plumed Bonnet
223	Mary Balogh	Mainwaring	1	A Chance Encounter
226	Mary Balogh	Mainwaring	2	The Wood Nymph
263	Mary Balogh	The Mistress Trilogy	1	More Than a Mistress
264	Mary Balogh	The Mistress Trilogy	2	No Man's Mistress
249	Mary Balogh	The Mistress Trilogy	3	The Secret Mistress
245	Mary Balogh	The Simply Quartet	1	Simply Unforgettable
246	Mary Balogh	The Simply Quartet	2	Simply Love
247	Mary Balogh	The Simply Quartet	3	Simply Magic
248	Mary Balogh	The Simply Quartet	4	Simply Perfect
225	Mary Balogh	Waite	1	The Trysting Place
250	Mary Balogh	Westcott	9	Someone Perfect
236	Mary Balogh			A Certain Magic
239	Mary Balogh			A Christmas Promise
256	Mary Balogh			A Day for Love
232	Mary Balogh			A Gift of Daisies
221	Mary Balogh			A Masked Deception
254	Mary Balogh			A Rogue's Downfall
235	Mary Balogh			An Unlikely Duchess
238	Mary Balogh			Beyond the Sunrise
253	Mary Balogh			Christmas Gifts
252	Mary Balogh			Christmas Miracles
231	Mary Balogh			Daring Masquerade
240	Mary Balogh			Deceived
228	Mary Balogh			Gentle Conquest
233	Mary Balogh			Lady with a Black Umbrella
241	Mary Balogh			Longing
255	Mary Balogh			No Ordinary Love
224	Mary Balogh			Red Rose
257	Mary Balogh			Second Chances
229	Mary Balogh			Secrets of the Heart
237	Mary Balogh			Snow Angel
227	Mary Balogh			The Constant Heart
222	Mary Balogh			The Double Wager
234	Mary Balogh			The Incurable Matchmaker
244	Mary Balogh			The Last Waltz
230	Mary Balogh			The Ungrateful Governess
243	Mary Balogh			Truly
251	Mary Balogh			Under the Mistletoe

The following one's are NOT added due to different reasons. Most are anthologies with many other authors and the Mary balogh's or Anne Grace's contribution is small.

Type	BookID	Author	Series	Book #	Book Name
Anthology		Mary Balogh & Others			It Happened One Night
Anthology		Mary Balogh & Others			It Happened One Season
Anthology		Mary Balogh & Others			Bespelling Jane Austen
Anthology		Mary Balogh & Others			The Gifts of Christmas
Anthologies		Anne Gracie & Others			The Last Chance Christmas Ball
Anthologies		Anne Gracie & others			“The Laird’s Vow”
Anthologies		Anne Gracie & others			“The Mistletoe Bride”
Anthologies		Anne Gracie & Others			Sizzle, Seduce, and Simmer (Story and Recipe Collection)
Novelizations		Elizabeth Massie??	The Tudors		King takes Queen
		??	The Tudors		Thy Will Be Done
Anthologies		Anne Gracie & Others			Gifts of the Season
Anthologies		Anne Gracie & Others			Regency brides
Anthologies		Anne Gracie & Others			Mischief and Mistletoe

If you want me to add these too, I will add. Our list currently sit at 271 books.

 

[jhonny]

A little update of my reading in this amazing project,

After reading The Huxtable's series, and 5 of the Mackenzie's books, I decided to try another writer, so I started with the Convenient Marriage series by Anne Gracie. I'm halfway through the first one (Marry in Haste), and as I expected I've noticed another aspects in the characters and their struggles, in this case Cal and Emmaline. Reading through the book I have noticed some things in Cal's behaviour that resonate with my past experiences as a man in a romantic relationship, like machismo (I don't know if this word is correct in English, but It's like male chauvinism) and entitlement; treating a woman in such a way that she has to obey and follow orders. I'm very interested to see how this character develops in the story of the book, so, back to my reading

 

[PERLOU]

Merci SEEK10 pour ce gros travail que vous réalisez pour nous aider... Félicitations...

Thank you SEEK10 for the great work you do to help us... Congratulations...

 

[Laurs]

Almost through with the wonderful Rescued from Ruin series by Elisa Braden.

The romance novels themselves offer many variegated examples of when balance is skewed, and when it remerges, if it does, after suffering pains of inner growth after years of trauma (childhood et cetera) or outright years of poor learning. Many characters have not connected with the other - or know not one whit of self (the young puppy, the entrenched tyrant or rake, the naive), being not possible due to their natures, and some become trapped or they finally see what was previously unavailable in their heart and mind, and finally connect with the other in a whole new way - the happy ending in many of these cases. This includes the influences on others around them to Do better.

Well said Voyageur and totally applicable here as well. One of the recurring themes in the series is the battle with the little i's in one way or another after having had a childhood filled with adversity. Especially Book 4 (The devil is a Marquess) and Book 8 (Anything but a Gentleman) stood out for me in this respect. One could feel sorry for self and for instance immerse oneself in one's cups (like Chatham) and deteriorate at all levels or have the innate backbone ever becoming more right and strong, in every situation life throws at one, only to DO, taking advantage of challenging circumstances and become better and better versions of self, by making one's own (good) decisions and with one's own hands, sweat and blood in order to gain the so needed self respect and state of feeling worthy of love and goodness in life (Augusta, Reaver and Shaw). For Chatham it takes a partner thrown into his life for him to wake up and make choices leading to gaining the self respect and self love he so craves in order to be able to experience the love given to him by another and so becoming a better version of himself in the process.

I identified with these four characters and the battles that went on in their hearts and minds in various life cirucumstances. For me also it took my partner as a source of inspiration for me to DO, make choices, take actions, and work hard to become a better and better version of the me that i could be. As i see it, these two books especially helped me realise, see and put into words the process i went through (and of course still am going through as i think one will never be done) that by doing, making choices based on being accepting of Life and all of her offerings, like the (selfless) help of others, and giving the very best of oneself that is possible to Life and all that Life entails, and so to eventually acquire that balance, the self-respect and self love that are such necessary conditions before one can truly love another, to see the happiness in the eyes of the other as an expression of Life (like one of the Faces of God) without asking anything in return. Again thank you Laura for having started this, I love this project!!!

 

[thorbiorn]

Numerous times while reading the novels, I have come across the theme of "purchasing a commission" or of "selling out". I did a search in the thread, but could not find much on the subject. From the contexts of the novels, it is clear what the overall meaning is, but figuring that some dilemmas and social circumstances surrounding the lives of the various protagonists may be appreciated more thoroughly, I found a few details from the Wiki regarding the Purchase of commissions in the British Army.

The purchase of officer commissions in the British Army was the practice of paying money to the Army be made an officer of a cavalry or infantry regiment of the English and later British Army. By payment, a commission as an officer could be secured, avoiding the need to wait to be promoted for merit or seniority. This practice was the usual way to obtain a commission in the Army between the 17th and late 19th centuries.

Formally, the purchase price of a commission was a cash bond for good behaviour, liable to be forfeited to the Army's cashiers (accountants) in the event of cowardice, desertion, or gross misconduct.

The practice started in 1683 during the reign of King Charles II and continued until it was abolished on 1 November 1871, as part of the Cardwell Reforms.

There were several rationalisations for the sale of commissions:

• It served as a form of collateral against abuse of authority or gross negligence or incompetence. Disgraced officers could be cashiered by the crown (that is, deprived of their commission without reimbursement).
• It ensured that the officer class was largely filled by persons having a vested interest in maintaining the social and political status quo; thereby reducing the possibility of the military participating in a revolution or coup.
• It ensured that officers had some private means and were less likely to engage in looting or pillaging or to cheat the soldiers they commanded by profiteering with army supplies.
• It provided honourably retired officers with an immediate source of capital upon leaving the service.
• It preserved the social exclusivity of the officer class.

With respect to "It preserved the social exclusivity of the officer class." you may encounter, as one does in the one instance in the Survivor series by Mary Balogh, that one protagonist who earned his rank through deed but was from a less advantaged background was looked down upon by a snobbish officer.

Indeed it was very costly to get a good rank. Here are some figures.

Values[edit]
The official values of commissions varied by branch (see below). Payments in excess of regulation (non-official) usually accorded with the differing social prestige of different regiments.[1]

For example, in 1837 the costs of commissions were:

1837 (2019 equivalent) price of commissions

Rank	Infantry	Cavalry	Life Guards	Foot Guards	Half pay difference
Cornet/Ensign	£450 (£41k)	£840 (£77k)	£1,260 (£115k)	£1,200 (£110k)	£150 (£14k)
Lieutenant	£700 (£64k)	£1,190 (£109k)	£1,785 (£163k)	£2,050 (£188k)	£365 (£33k)
Captain	£1,800 (£165k)	£3,225 (£295k)	£3,500 (£320k)	£4,800 (£439k)	£511 (£47k)
Major	£3,200 (£293k)	£4,575 (£419k)	£5,350 (£490k)	£8,300 (£760k)	£949 (£87k)
Lieutenant Colonel	£4,500 (£412k)	£6,175 (£565k)	£7,250 (£664k)	£9,000 (£824k)	£1,314 (£120k)

These prices were incremental. To purchase a promotion, an officer only had to pay the difference in price between his existing rank and the desired rank.[2]

When one in the Bedwyn saga in the book Slightly Married reads about a colonel in the cavalry, Aidan Bedwyn, then we know that his family must have been very wealthy indeed and that he received a good amount when he sold out.

Reading about the actual administration, one finds reasons for promotion and also a story of a scandal.

There were various regulations which required minimum durations of service in a given rank and which restricted officers from selling or exchanging their commissions to avoid active service. Exceptions and exemptions from these were at the discretion of the Commander in Chief. In 1806 there was a major scandal when it was discovered that Mary Anne Clarke, the mistress of then Commander in Chief Prince Frederick, Duke of York and Albany, was engaged in selling commissions for her personal profit.[5]

The worst potential effects of the system were mitigated during intensive conflicts such as the Napoleonic Wars by heavy casualties among senior ranks, which resulted in many non-purchase vacancies, and also discouraged wealthy dilettantes who were not keen on active service, thereby ensuring that many commissions were exchanged for their nominal value only. There was also the possibility of promotion to brevet army ranks for deserving officers. An officer might be a subaltern or Captain in his regiment, but might hold a higher local rank if attached to other units or allied armies, or might be given a higher Army rank by the Commander-in-Chief or the Monarch in recognition of meritorious service or a notable feat of bravery. Officers bearing dispatches giving news of a victory (such as Waterloo), often received such promotion, and might be specially selected by a General in the field for this purpose.

 

[dennis]

A good friend of mine grew up in a working class environment. When he got his draft notice he attempted some mild humorous ruse to get out of it, I forget what it was but it was unsuccessful. So he did his tour in Vietnam, got out and continued with life. A few years ago he was getting too old to do construction work anymore so he let his hair and beard grow wild and went to see the VA psychologist to get a disability rating and monthly check. The sawbones obviously formed a preconceived notion confirming his bias when my buddy walked in the door. My buddy smiled and responded to one of the loaded questions with "I'm not prejudiced I hate everybody."

He is one of the most loving and compassionate persons I know, to friends and strangers alike. He just had to employ a form of stalking to survive. One of his funny tricks played while having fun was to grab his pants leg and move the knee and give that leg a loose swing.

 

[susy7]

I just finished in my Goethe collection: Pandora; Hellenic style but of incredible splendor. Goethe understood the Uranian Aphrodite, and he portrayed the two brothers Epimetheus and Prometheus. Thus Pandora appears under a splendid face, and Epimetheus the lover of this one who is only waiting to join her. to read

 

[loreta]

I added 50 new books to the list based on author's websites and items mentioned in the thread and made some adjustments to series name etc. All the forms and sheet are updated.

The following one's are NOT added due to different reasons. Most are anthologies with many other authors and the Mary balogh's or Anne Grace's contribution is small.

If you want me to add these too, I will add. Our list currently sit at 271 books.

What!!! 271 books!!!! I am astounded.

 

[Laura]

I just finished in my Goethe collection: Pandora; Hellenic style but of incredible splendor. Goethe understood the Uranian Aphrodite, and he portrayed the two brothers Epimetheus and Prometheus. Thus Pandora appears under a splendid face, and Epimetheus the lover of this one who is only waiting to join her. to read

That is irrelevant to this thread. Either join the project, or post your thoughts in more appropriate environs.

 

[Redrock12]

This reading project has given me deeper insights about myself than any of the psychology books suggested in the forum. In fact, and I guess it's just me, I have tried reading Thinking, Fast and Slow, three times and I never made it past the first paragraph, the same with Mouravieff

 

[Redrock12]

Whoops, hit the reply button by mistake. Anyway, to continue from the above, ...the same with Mouravieff and Political Ponerology. as well as Gurdjieff (although to a lesser extent than the other two}, and Trapped In The Mirror. I seem to be unable to relate to what they're saying, ie they're just words on paper. I've never felt like any significant change has occurred.
On the other hand I have learned more about myself and better how to relate to women and their perspectives on men and what they expect from the male species. And I've actually felt that I am experiencing bodily changes from reading the posts on this thread and the novels themselves, more specifically Mary B's. I've read a couple of other authors, but they, imho, don't even come close to her level of creativity, and it's been a real slog getting thru those other authors. But that's just me. I guess others are benefitting from those other aothors and I've certainly gained knowledge from reading their posts as well. So, I've come to realize, that this project really is a group effort, and, for myself anyway, has proven to be the most effective for positive change and personal growth.
So kudos to you Laura for this project and all that you have done for the members of this Fellowship

 

[nicklebleu]

I was thinking about why these novels may facilitate emotional processing better than just thinking about past events in my life.

I think one of the reasons is that you are on one hand tightly involved in the emotional step-by-step process as the story unfolds, but at the same time somewhat removed from it. It’s like there is a screen, a small distance between the raw emotional power and yourself, so that it is easier to reprocess those feelings. After all, it’s not about you, it’s just a fictional account. Like the sound is there, but it is a little bit muffeled, so not as immediate. And this may make it easier to follow the protagonists into their own personal hell and accompany them on their journey working through that.

The other thing that I noted, which might be connected to the above, is - I have recently had a lot of old memories resurfacing out of the blue. Either of situations where I behaved in an inconsiderate or even cruel way, or where others did something to me that was wrong. While the immediate trigger why this particular episode popped up is not really clear (I can’t say what book or chapter may have triggered it), my hunch is, that it relates to one of those stories, where a similar situation was describeds. And after a ‘safe interval’ my mind finds it not too overwhelming to let it pop back up.