Splitting as a Symptom of Internal Considering

[Aithin Tusa Fein]

Thanks for the info. I appreciate the insight.

But IMO bagwork is OK but I do think it does have it's limitations.

Probably so, but if it works, I only need it as a release of emotional energy/thinking. I don't think light sabres would work for me. When I get that way, I am serious and I would not perceive light sabres or acting and such as serious, so I probably wouldn't even consider them. I just need something that, while I'm in that state, it would seem like a natural reaction for me and I could essentially spar with while letting the program run while expressing my emotional dialogue, attacks, defenses, counterattacks, etc. while all along knowing that my head is just foggy. I'll just give it a shot, see what happens and go from there I guess.

 

[Oxajil]

What a great and timely thread!

I can definitely recognize this black and white thinking in myself. Once when I was really deep it in and viewed another person in a totally unfair negative light (and myself as the 'savior'), it was only the network that showed me that my thinking and behavior was inconsiderate. Even though I didn't understand the feedback at first, but seeing how so many saw me as a different person than I thought I was, and knowing that more eyes see more than just my own (mine being of course pretty biased!), I trusted the feedback I got, followed their directions and only slowly started to understand better and better of how my behavior was inappropriate and very hurtful to others, and myself. I cannot emphasize enough, the value of a network and the need to share and learn within it. Having had this episode, it has made me stay more careful with how I behave with and view other people. I think my main motivation is not wanting to hurt others anymore, atleast to such an extent as I am capable of doing this. It's definitely not easy, and will probably have to work on this for a long time.

One of the most difficult environments for me, is my home environment. Reading this thread for a couple of days now, I can recount some episodes with my parents, some conflicts we had, and the thoughts I had and the feelings I felt. I very often would fall into the: poor me, they don't acknowledge me etc. I would see things, and especially them, in a very dim light. And being in such a thinking and feeling mode, I would become very depressed. But I realized that me feeling this way won't be helpful to anybody or the situation, I was being very inconsiderate: it was all about what I wanted and what I needed. I totally discounted all the good things they have done for me and still do for me. My actions reminded me of Salzmann's quote:

You will see that in life you receive exactly what you give. Your life is the mirror of what you are. It is in your image. You are passive, blind, demanding. You take all, you accept all, without feeling any obligation. Your attitude toward the world and toward life is the attitude of one who has the right to make demands and to take, who has no need to pay or to earn. You believe that all things are your due, simply because it is you! All your blindness is there! None of this strikes your attention. And yet this is what keeps one world separate from another world.

I wanted my parents to treat me as I would think normal parents should, but this is a totally unfair request of me when I take a look at objective reality: they have their own kind of programs, their own upbringing that shaped them in a way they are. Constantly trying to come back to the poisoned well and somehow thinking that this time they might say or do things differently is not only hurtful to myself, but to them as well. I would constantly fall back into black and white thinking (me good, them bad) then get a little bit hopeful again, try to make them understand in a way, see it doesn't work, then go back into black and white thinking etc etc. It's a really tiring and very internally considerate loop.

So I thought to myself, so how do I react when they say something hurtful? Would it be better to become a cold-hearted machine when they say something hurtful to me? Not to feel anything? How can I not feel sad when they say something that is so mean?

Atleast I would think part of the answer may be is to atleast try to be objective, to not put so much weight on the hurtful things they might say (humorize it?). To understand that from their position their words probably make a lot of sense. Like Muxel wrote as well. At the same time of course they may say something to me that I won't like, but could be true and might be something for me to work on. In any case, I guess the most difficult aspect, as I've written elsewhere, is accepting the reality of the situation and letting go of all the false hopes and assumptions. To really see them for who they are. Very difficult to do, but there's a lot I've read in this thread that helped me with looking at my situation a bit more clearly. I guess once I can fully see them for who they are, and stop projecting a certain expected image on them, I can have a better idea of how to engage with them, maybe. Much food for thought!

There is one example that I would like to share. I shared with my mom that I won't be able to attend my nephew's wedding, because I had to redo an exam around that time (which I was noted of just some weeks before the exam by the study advisor), and so I wanted to use those days to study. Well, she got really upset, and she thought that maybe someone told me not to go to the wedding, or that someone from the university is doing this on purpose, etc. And I'm just standing there being frustrated and got upset too, and couldn't believe she would go that far. So I walked my way upstairs and went to my room.

And as I sat down on my chair, I was thinking about this some more, and I realized that my way of behaving was just really not nice. I started to put myself in her shoes. She is living in a foreign country, and she doesn't know much of the way the school system works here. So what I did was taking the letter from the university, with autograph and all, went downstairs and explained to her calmly that it's really real. That nobody tried to sabotage this or anything, it's just how it is. Then she joked that somebody probably faked that autograph and we had a bit of a laugh there. But in the end she said she believed me, and thanked me for showing that letter.

So in a way, I guess, by considering her and looking at the situation as critically as I could, I could atleast at that moment correct myself.

 

[H-KQGE]

Thanks for the info. I appreciate the insight.

But IMO bagwork is OK but I do think it does have it's limitations.

Probably so, but if it works, I only need it as a release of emotional energy/thinking. I don't think light sabres would work for me. When I get that way, I am serious and I would not perceive light sabres or acting and such as serious, so I probably wouldn't even consider them. I just need something that, while I'm in that state, it would seem like a natural reaction for me and I could essentially spar with while letting the program run while expressing my emotional dialogue, attacks, defenses, counterattacks, etc. while all along knowing that my head is just foggy. I'll just give it a shot, see what happens and go from there I guess.

Right. Bagwork sounds good too, but that's when at home & can quickly retreat & fight a pillow in a theatrical play. I'm thinking now i need something " on the fly" for the seasons, as it were. So i'll try shadow boxing. Like Críostoír i wouldn't take that seriously (lightsaber not the acting) to do pantomime or whatever, BUT, launching into a martial arts type role with roundhouse kicks & "furious" air punching (including the ridiculous bad European dubbing of yesteryear) & all the air whooshes & "chop socky" noise mimicry sounds like fun.
This reminds me of my 1st two years in secondary school where everyone was at it on their morning & lunch breaks (although most would dive into the then WWF wrestling moves & nearly kill each other with outrageously spectacular bouts) & would tire each other out right before lessons began. Of course it would be difficult to focus on schoolwork with pulses up for the more aggressive ones but for me it'd bring a smile to my (po) face & forget any issues for a while.

As an adult with greater knowledge of things & of myself, multiple reference points, awareness etc this would fit my personality as the link to childhood this time would for once, be a positive one whilst zeroing in on the crux of the matter: metabolizing. My still active imagination can jump from there into other roles that are humorous to me like a very posh English gentleman from flicks depicting the 19th century. (like H.G. Well's "The Time Machine" amongst many)
From there i could jump to a really hammy "you talkin' to me?" kind of thing with "how dare you, how very dare you!" The point being that i can mentally launch into all kinds of roles without much conscious thought allowing for a natural play to develop that would either make me laugh during it or at least bring me to the point where the emotional/thought energy is tired out, revealing the the state & easier analysis of it.
I think finding a personality mold for this kind of thing is best so as everything flows naturally, bringing laughter if possible, but utilizing physical movements & speech along with memories of at least, pleasant scenarios osit.

I definitely can't do the whole apologetic thing as i've been apologizing for stuff to pathological people my whole life, especially when things had nothing to do with me. (seriously, how can you blame a 13 year old for your credit card splurges when you don't even by them decent clothing?) If i started that up again i'd start splitting at the seams! I'm allright where i am, being honest & sincere & considering others for the longest time, which doesn't exempt you from internal consideration. I can already grasp the effects when someone triggers me in the moment (thankfully) it's just a case of not letting that moment last too long, nipping it, breathing & immediately after doing what you got to do.

These posts triggered my memory of just how much i like to play, combining my imagination with physical actions (like in pre-pubescence) so now i have 2 ways to try one on the fly as i said, & 1 for home. Cheers.

 

[obyvatel]

Laura's method uses the PLAY circuits which is regarded as a component of the primary affective system in Panksepp's Affective Neuroscience. Stephen Porges characterized play as simultaneous activation of the sympathetic (fight or flight) and the dorsal vagal complex. Because this PLAY system is as basic and foundational (as in not requiring intellectual input from neo- cortex at its core though it can off course use such input) as the emotions of anger, fear and anxiety which tend to cause splitting behavior, it should be more effective in managing and metabolizing the latter.

In the human context, play is connected to a sense of light-heartedness that is brought out in the theatrical exaggeration and acting out of emotions. Punching pillows or smashing pots by themselves is providing an outlet of anger and frustration through the sympathetic arousal alone. So while such techniques can "run down the horse", they are often not helpful in the long-term goal of "training the horse". Doing what Laura is suggesting - incorporating the theatrical aspect into such emotion discharging actions - combines the parasympathetic vagal activation together with the sympathetic arousal. It is better than a top- heavy intellectual approach as well as a bottom heavy primal acting out - osit.

There is some precedence that such a scheme works rather well in a social context if we consider what has been found about the role of PLAY in hunter gatherer societies. Here is the forum thread
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,31674

In such societies, when someone would tend to act superior, others would use what looks like theatrical exaggeration in ridiculing him so that "his heart is cooled and he is made gentle". In our case, we are trying to achieve a similar outcome by utilizing the divided nature of our inner selves - one part playing the role of the theatrical commentator as another part acts out. If all goes well, in the end, the heart will be cool and there will be a sense of comic relief.

 

[l apprenti de forgeron]

This was me before the diet changes, detoxing, and weaning off a list of medications. It can still be me if there's a bad shock involved, I've learned how to roll with it better now. (Maybe.)

In my case there are 'red flags' that can stop the wind up, one of which is the focus on 'being right'. If I feel 'I have to be right', then its a good bet I'm full of crap. When emotions run off with me, it's clear that's what's going on: I can't speak, get bug eyed, and shiver. Depending on what kind of shock it is, my legs go out from under me and I end up sitting there blinking at things. When I can speak? It varies between a ream of curses and outrage. It goes on to cycle through a series of obsession/compulsions that amount to basic drives: run down the threat, shore up defences against said threat, and run that threat right out on a rail.

<snip>

Great descriptions. And yes, indeed, there are other exercises that one can do. One simple thing to practice every day is to find something that you can say "I was wrong, I'm sorry" about. Just practicing saying "I was wrong... I made a mistake.... I screwed up..." is already a big thing if it is sincere and accurate.

The instant you feel you have to argue with someone to justify being right, why not just consciously and deliberately turn it around and say instead: "You are right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry."

Dugdeep reported above about doing this with not the best of results, but for all he knows, her subsequent reaction could have been mis-read by him in his "state."

Here's an example of blowing the situation out of proportion, and Hubby and I use this almost every day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqszKFsaBpo

I've got the eye twitch naturally, and the rest works out. ;)

That's hilarious and brilliant! Just imagine those two critters as your emotions and brain... or you vs someone who has triggered your "inner monster."

Because, in point of fact, this system 1 business that runs the splitting/internal considering process is a sort of monster. It's a wolf. Sometimes you have to throw it a piece of meat, but in the end, the objective is to tame it and have it work FOR you, not against you.

It really is a monster that must be tamed! And should work for us so that we can serve others.
Apologize exercises also have served me well. Feeling the blame for my own actions, how they affect others and sincere apologize for not repeat, mobilizes much. Thank you.

 

[Gimpy]

In such societies, when someone would tend to act superior, others would use what looks like theatrical exaggeration in ridiculing him so that "his heart is cooled and he is made gentle". In our case, we are trying to achieve a similar outcome by utilizing the divided nature of our inner selves - one part playing the role of the theatrical commentator as another part acts out. If all goes well, in the end, the heart will be cool and there will be a sense of comic relief.

Maybe this is a clue on why so many older, tribal peoples have legends/myths about 'Sacred Clowns'? The temptation with that is to use it as an excuse to set aside the notion of humor as a skill to cope. "Quit clowning around." etc.

There's a cathartic quality in using humor to restore balance to life events....given a choice, that's what I prefer to do.

 

[Laura]

Ultimately, you have to understand that this internally considering, petty, vindictive, egotistical, frightened, self is not the REAL YOU. It is an imposter. It is the "genetic body" so to say, the chemical emotions that get imprinted and run your show your whole life unless and until you realize that you are a soul using a body and can be the master.

But even people who realize that they are "a soul using a body" can have difficulty with realizing that a lot of what passes through their bodies and minds as feelings and thoughts are just simply automatic, instinctive or programmed.

Yes, while we are going through life, learning about our machine, learning how to master it, we have to figure out strategies and sometimes "throw the wolf a piece of meat". But in the end, the goal is to be the master.

Dunno about all of ya'll, but I'm not totally there yet, though I can look back and see a huge amount of progress. There are still a few things that get a real "rise" out of me, mainly threats to the happiness of my children and extended family.

 

[hesperides]

My system 1 tried to hijack system 2 in "my" defence, maybe see them as all-bad, etc., but it consistently kept getting pushed back by all the reasoning that developed about why I was just internally considering. I don't know, but the whole episode gave me the idea that I almost habitually turn on myself when I split, as to prevent me from doing anything rash or defensive. So instead of seeing the landowners as "all-bad", I turned that on myself and said I was all-bad for my feeling hurt in system 1 trying to mobilize system 2 to help protect me (in its limited understanding).

The problem with this though is that system 1 is still the one in control; it's just exploiting the negative introject to insult my indignation and feeling of being robbed. So the only recourse my split-off feelings had was to manifest in my body. So I've been bouncing off the walls, punching the air, listening to heavy metal, etc.

I know what you are describing, which is actually painful since it seems no way out will ever raise in the horizon. If this may help you, I´ve seen several thinking habits and behaviours that contributed to bring me there. The main of them being, as you rather well described I think, is the Self is hijacked by overly negative thoughts on oneself´s worth, which runs the whole machine. But holding in mind that it´s due to your own decision, by making a decree like "anything negative I feel is reprehensible and my fault", your mind will follow and obey this suggestion (which is the wonder of our mind by the way) and you end up caught into the claws of bitterness and shame, which in turn, like a boomerang, will confirm your decree that you are worthless. This is a very tough one to get over when it stems from narcissist families, but I was stimulated to understand and fight it, giving my awareness I was being robbed of all my energy in the split of a second each time I hide behind the appearance of a "good" person, or many other scenarios that come into play too.

The first thing I did, was to find the good side of this, one of them being I was hyper aware of some of my reactions and what triggered them, which was a plus in my favour to start with, and the other one was accepting that I didn´t have the ability to live according to my own "values", which resisted and creaked (and still do but less) until the intent started creating some kind of oil in my rigid thinking. The third thing which importance I discovered later on, was that this habit of circling around "I am the culprit" led to endless reverie, exerting such a devastating dampering effect on attention and concentration abilities, that I barely noticed it or it would be justified. I still remember how much effort I had to invest in doing my schoolwork. So, as asked in the prayer to The Divine Cosmic Mind, asking for assistance in the hearing, seeing and access to the awareness of the heart, I strengthen(ed) myself in raising my attention and perception in my daily routine which helps to get a more objective view of my real state, without frightening so much.

Now, I wish I had read by then this thread, which is awfully insuperable, lol!, thank you for all this sharing, in the context of avoiding serious emotional freezing or relapse and understanding better how we may actively take part in the process in repairing our machine. I have played a lot in the past with the idea of making theatre (for my personal use only, although I wasn´t brave enough in taking the risk), because I thought of it as a way of releasing inner obstructions, which I think would have been very accurate in retrospect.

 

[celestialvisionz]

Ultimately, you have to understand that this internally considering, petty, vindictive, egotistical, frightened, self is not the REAL YOU. It is an imposter. It is the "genetic body" so to say, the chemical emotions that get imprinted and run your show your whole life unless and until you realize that you are a soul using a body and can be the master.

But even people who realize that they are "a soul using a body" can have difficulty with realizing that a lot of what passes through their bodies and minds as feelings and thoughts are just simply automatic, instinctive or programmed.

Yes, while we are going through life, learning about our machine, learning how to master it, we have to figure out strategies and sometimes "throw the wolf a piece of meat". But in the end, the goal is to be the master.

Dunno about all of ya'll, but I'm not totally there yet, though I can look back and see a huge amount of progress. There are still a few things that get a real "rise" out of me, mainly threats to the happiness of my children and extended family.

Would you say that the part of you that controls your bodies emotions, is the part of the soul?

 

[Graalsword]

It really is a monster that must be tamed! And should work for us so that we can serve others.
Apologize exercises also have served me well. Feeling the blame for my own actions, how they affect others and sincere apologize for not repeat, mobilizes much. Thank you.

That served me well, as well. Though it did it as long as I understood what took me to those actions, and the effect it produced on others. Also pushing myself to think of it as the false personality running its programs has been very useful to me to stop it on time, but there are occasions where it just takes over and I can't DO anything until the storm has passed, and it's late.

 

[obyvatel]

Would you say that the part of you that controls your bodies emotions, is the part of the soul?

Hi celestialvisionz,
Regarding the soul, the material presented in Jacob Needleman's "Lost Christianity" quoted here may be helpful. This material also basically agrees with the concepts of body, soul and spirit that is found in Chittick's exposition of Ibn Al Arabi's work in "The Sufi Path of Knowledge" which Laura refers to in the Wave series.

 

[Gimpy]

Ultimately, you have to understand that this internally considering, petty, vindictive, egotistical, frightened, self is not the REAL YOU. It is an imposter. It is the "genetic body" so to say, the chemical emotions that get imprinted and run your show your whole life unless and until you realize that you are a soul using a body and can be the master.

But even people who realize that they are "a soul using a body" can have difficulty with realizing that a lot of what passes through their bodies and minds as feelings and thoughts are just simply automatic, instinctive or programmed.

Yes, while we are going through life, learning about our machine, learning how to master it, we have to figure out strategies and sometimes "throw the wolf a piece of meat". But in the end, the goal is to be the master.

Dunno about all of ya'll, but I'm not totally there yet, though I can look back and see a huge amount of progress. There are still a few things that get a real "rise" out of me, mainly threats to the happiness of my children and extended family.

Same here. At this point? It's not a question of 'getting there'. I've realized that may never happen, and work on moving through and doing what I can do, with the time I have.

These days...it's not a question of what honks me off....it's what will motivate movement.

 

[l apprenti de forgeron]

Laura's method uses the PLAY circuits which is regarded as a component of the primary affective system in Panksepp's Affective Neuroscience. Stephen Porges characterized play as simultaneous activation of the sympathetic (fight or flight) and the dorsal vagal complex. Because this PLAY system is as basic and foundational (as in not requiring intellectual input from neo- cortex at its core though it can off course use such input) as the emotions of anger, fear and anxiety which tend to cause splitting behavior, it should be more effective in managing and metabolizing the latter.

In the human context, play is connected to a sense of light-heartedness that is brought out in the theatrical exaggeration and acting out of emotions. Punching pillows or smashing pots by themselves is providing an outlet of anger and frustration through the sympathetic arousal alone. So while such techniques can "run down the horse", they are often not helpful in the long-term goal of "training the horse". Doing what Laura is suggesting - incorporating the theatrical aspect into such emotion discharging actions - combines the parasympathetic vagal activation together with the sympathetic arousal. It is better than a top- heavy intellectual approach as well as a bottom heavy primal acting out - osit.

There is some precedence that such a scheme works rather well in a social context if we consider what has been found about the role of PLAY in hunter gatherer societies. Here is the forum thread
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,31674

In such societies, when someone would tend to act superior, others would use what looks like theatrical exaggeration in ridiculing him so that "his heart is cooled and he is made gentle". In our case, we are trying to achieve a similar outcome by utilizing the divided nature of our inner selves - one part playing the role of the theatrical commentator as another part acts out. If all goes well, in the end, the heart will be cool and there will be a sense of comic relief.

Just wanted to add that this is a great food for the mind and heart! Thank you, obyvatel!

 

[SeekinTruth]

Great thread. I've been reading and absorbing it for a couple of days. Humor definitely works with these kind of situations. It helps when others are splitting as well, as the Hunter-Gatherer societies well knew. I'm going to try the hamming it up bit next time I find myself in that state and see how that goes. Also, definitely agree that apologizing is VERY affective, admitting to yourself and others when you're wrong/acted inappropriately, etc.

 

[Laura]

Would you say that the part of you that controls your bodies emotions, is the part of the soul?

Not necessarily.

I would say that it is more a matter of deprogramming and re-programming.