The "Rational Male and Female"? - Biology and Programs in Relationships

[ScioAgapeOmnis]

Also Tomasi has a YouTube channel and I’ve seen some of his videos, and find him to be a rather unlikeable character. I know this isn’t about his book, but I personally never read the book, so I can only comment on my impressions of him from listening to him talk. His ego is kinda huge, he refers to himself as the godfather of the manosphere, basically thinks he invented the red pill, and makes a lot of assumptions about people from very little information - assumptions based on generalizations of how he thinks all women behave because of “hypergamy” with no consideration that people can be individuals and have more complex motivations.

One specific example is he talked all sorts of trash about Mikhaila Peterson and her travels in Europe, and made some unwarranted assumptions about who she was sleeping with and why, resulting in her inviting him to her podcast, and him acting like a slimy snake on this podcast. Then he put out a follow up video of his own after having been a guest on her podcast, where he basically gloated about how smart he is and how he can read her like a hypergamy book. I don’t have the links but they’re easy to find by searching YouTube.

Long story short, if I was going to decide whether I wanted to read his book based on my impression of him, I’d skip it. And it’s not because I think red pill concepts are all wrong, but because I think he’s drinking his own koolaid and his head is way too big. He makes you want to take a shower after 20 seconds of him talking, it doesn’t take long at all. He has no respect for women as people and individuals - they’re all just hypergamous automatons for him and his followers to sleep with and manipulate. And if you see the Mikhaila Peterson interview with him you can see how repulsed she was the entire time, and how repulsive he was. It really makes you uncomfortable.

There may be some valid observations in the red pill community - especially the parts that maybe focus on how to be a self respecting man with dignity, and how to add value to your life and to others. But honestly a good chunk of it is just men who resent women for “rejecting” them, and you can feel their resentment as they talk about women, and it’s disgusting. It contradicts their own ideas about being a dignified self-respecting man who brings value to a relationship. It’s like oh no they won’t sleep with us whenever we want it, well we will show those tramps! It’s kind of pathetic, and really off putting.

The funny thing is I would put money on Tomasi not having any healthy relationships with women in his life. I don’t know anything about it - but the way he acts, unless the whole thing is just a completely false persona for YouTube, there’s no way he can hold down a healthy loving relationship. No self respecting woman would want what he seems to be “selling”. He’s like a shady used car salesman.

 

[Sybil]

This entirely misses Tomassi's point though. A man does not need to have a good job, drive a nice car and have his own place to get a really pretty woman. A really pretty woman will gladly have sex with the cute but penniless lifeguard. She probably would not marry him though - for that she is more likely to turn to the loyal and dependable 'salary man' with the good job, nice car and own place. This is the 'alpha flicks / beta bucks' dichotomy Tomassi describes. A woman's choice of sexual partner, according to Tomassi, is driven by different motivations than her choice for a marriage partner. One is optimization of genes, the other is optimization of resources.

Tomassi and 'PUAs' show men how to appeal to a woman's gene optimization instincts, even if he isn't a 'natural.' If one can then combine that with a capacity for resource provision, then you have both genders get the best of both worlds. Without this knowledge, the pareto principle seems to apply to the human sexual selection paradigm and the results are ugly.

We are missing an important point here. 'have sex'. What is 'have sex'? Some mechanical exercise, like weight lifting? Women also perceive 'sex' differently than men. For a woman, sex is making love to a man she loves or desires. For a man, in most cases, only sex. I have known many beautiful girls who married a penniless man. It is not about the money per see, it is about what you reflect. Women generally looking for confident men. End of. He could be a swindler or a billionaire, it is how he sells himself. Many beautiful women are very insecure inside and they end up with fat, ugly, aggressive men. Confident, fat, aggressive, ugly men.

 

[Chu]

The funny thing is I would put money on Tomasi not having any healthy relationships with women in his life. I don’t know anything about it - but the way he acts, unless the whole thing is just a completely false persona for YouTube, there’s no way he can hold down a healthy loving relationship. No self respecting woman would want what he seems to be “selling”. He’s like a shady used car salesman.

Don't quote me on this, but I read somewhere that he has been married for years to the same woman. Maybe that says that he may not be doing what he "preaches", and that his outside persona may be very different from his attitude at home. And maybe that's a good thing.

I think the debate is always a bit heated around this, because it is such a personal issue, a mine field, and yes, almost everyone has hurt inside, societal programming and/or "baggage" associated with the issue.

I read several books "for men" a while ago. Well, curious minds want to know! And there is SO little of the equivalent written directly for women! That's one of the problems. Books for women are either feminist, or contain hardly any good advice. Men have these types of books, but many also border on the extreme, and on divisions that shouldn't even be there. But once in a while, I found them useful, as a woman. To understand both women and men.

BUT.... the problem is that you have to be SUPER SELECTIVE when you read them or watch videos. Critical thinking to the max. What I found useful in some of them was to understand in a non-fiction text some of the patterns that emerged in the Romance Novels project see below). So, I think there is value in them, provided you use only the percentage that helps.

For example, in one of them (The Married Man's Sex Life primer, by Athol Kay), the author makes a FEW good points, useful even to women, IMO. But leaving aside the fact that the writing style is horrible (subjective, I know), the way he writes about it, "boasting" and suggesting how to pick up a girl and be Alpha and what-not, only to tell you at the end of the book that his wife was actually the first and only woman he's ever been with, makes you go like, "So why are you pretending to be this know-it-all sex symbol, when you are probably just a good husband?!". It drove me nuts.

Then there was the "a man dominates, a woman submits" chapter, and that must be like that. YET, what he is actually describing in several instances is men being more on the assertive side, and women being more receptive. You may say it's mere semantics, but isn't that a better way to put it and even understand it? And, even in his examples, you can see how it's not so simple: sometimes he admits that he defers to his wife for some decisions, and that they are a team. NOT a "dominated vs. submitted" couple. That vocabulary is just for selling his books, I think.

There is a pretty good part about healthy couples having a Captain (the man) and a Nr 1 (the woman). That part I found useful, because he explained why it's not a matter or "hierarchy", but of working together and trusting each other, making the best of each person's strengths. And yes, men "wearing the pants", but not quite as it is commonly understood.

He does explain not to get caught up in the "Alpha" vs "Beta" nonsense, because we ALL have both! If he weren't using that vocabulary, it would basically come down to saying, "develop the traits you want to emulate from people you admire and that you have suppressed, and reign those traits that you don't like in yourself. I.e, be a better person! Work with your partner. Don't be ashamed of being a man (or a woman). But no, it's written in an off-putting way. I forgive him because at least he said it's not just about the "Alpha". [The ideal, I think, is when 2 people complement each other, and they help each other grow in the areas each of them is weak, treasure the strong points, and love and understand and work with each other in all their complexity!]

The bits about sex are mostly him boasting, I think. Each couple is different in that respect, but from what I remember, some small bits were interesting. When it comes to hormones, he (and others) come across as having figured out the details of the female hormone cycle and what makes them "tick". But I can tell you that, once again, it's nowhere near as simple as that. Women can vary a lot too in what they are attracted to. Yes, they have desires too, like he says, but the "trigger" is not just a simple "day 12-14" formula.

Anyway, this is getting long and it's just about one of the books, LOL! But I think the bottom line, again, is that you have to be EXTREMELY SELECTIVE when reading that stuff or watching videos. They do contain gems, but they seem to be coated in a way that just fuels hurt, anger, shame or superficiality, when in reality, it's about people, our lessons, our "de-programming", etc. They mainly talk about our biological drives (and it is important to be aware of them, of course!). But people are not just "unconscious walking hormones". There is also trauma, past lives, unconscious attractions for something other than sex&procreation, for reasons we don't understand until we become a bit more aware, unconscious attractions to "fix a childhood drama", self-esteem issues, etc. These books don't cover any of these aspects.

Finally, in the more boastful ones like Tomassi (and a bit less in this author), you get the feeling that by trying to be too "Alpha", they are actually showing more insecurities and "Beta" traits. Diminishing women is actually another sign of weakness when they do it. The balanced men and women are more like the main characters in a Balogh's Romance novel. That's what makes them so attractive, IMO. The men are strong when they need to be, they are assertive, protective, etc. But they aren't "Alpha" as commonly understood, or at least only in part. And the women are not "submissive" or all about the money or what-not. They are strong when they need to be, nurturing when they need to be, and treasure the man's strength too. They each have issues, fears, "beta" and "alpha" traits. But they are willing to fight their demons, with each other's support, to communicate, to be honest, to give tough love or comfort when needed, etc. Basically, to be strong for each other, but also strong enough to be vulnerable and talk. Of course you have to filter out there too, the perfect endings, the awesome sex every single time, etc. BUT, you start seeing a pattern emerge, and qualities that reach to your core, that motivate you to be better.

That said, an author that I found a lot more balanced (and you can tell he respects women and men, and is not afraid of them like the "tough guys" are) was Bruce Bryans, especially "What Women Want When They Test Men", but his other books as well. Again, it boils down to growing as a human being, but IMO he gives good advice for people not to sell themselves too short, learn how to communicate, and look for quality in a person and in themselves, not just superficial "alphaness" and "betaness". To be the ideal you in a deeper sense, to attract a good person if it's what is in your path to do. You still have to filter out a lot of stuff, though! Not content yourself with catch phrases and labels. "Women do X, men to Y." In some cases, sure, but it's never so simple.

In short, for those of you who are very interested in this, or repelled by it, I think it's a matter of balance. There is absolute garbage, like in any genre. You CAN find some very good advice, or parts that will make you see yourself a bit better and become more aware. Some are not bad! Others remind me of terrible psychologists who fuel narcissism in their clients ("Others are the problem! You are a victim!") or who "scold" them and just tell them to compensate with something else ("eat ice-cream instead of drinking"), without searching deeply and helping the person understand why they have the problems they have, and how it's in their power to live differently.

A big FWIW!!! And sorry for the lengthy post, I tried to cut out the book review to the main things I remembered only.

 

[Expedition26]

Tomassi has been married for like 25 years and has an adult daughter.

I listened to the interview he did with Mikhaila Peterson and it was so cringeworthy. I appreciate some of his work but he tries to make examples out of women who are not inherently bad. He has tried to use Mikhaila as his “kill to party” example so many times. As in she had a child at a young age, was married/divorced/remarried. He tries to lump her into this category of women who discard their children so they can party and it’s just not true.

What I really don’t understand is he talks so much crap about hypergamous women but will go on podcasts with a gang of the sluttiest looking women. Maybe they are all honest women but when you dress like a pornstar and have huge fake boobs it’s really hard to take you seriously. It’s like they are just there to make his points valid.

His interviews with Jedediah Bila are good though. He doesn’t come off as egotistical and actually has some good information when he talks with her.

 

[luc]

I just read bits and pieces here and there and listened to the odd interview with one of the gurus, but from what I can tell these people pull a common trick, like others who propagate a "shocking" philosophy: they come out with these black-and-white and strong statements, which attract people and which seem fascinating ("we have figured out how women work! It's super simple! Now you too can be an alpha male!"). But when you ask questions and talk to them, if they are any good, they will bring back in common sense. Some might even offer some genuinely good relationship advice. But then, all that's often left of the "shocking theory" is basically that men and women are different and have different needs (duh) and female biology is a thing (duh).

What's left in many people's minds though is often "I need to be an alpha male, women all work like this or that, and if I exploit that so I can get all the ladies!". Which, as Chu already hinted at I believe, is actually no different from being a simp, that is, it's super "beta". You wanna be a tough guy? Well, do something meaningful and useful and stop caring about getting the ladies. Women like "cool" guys not because they pretend to be something in order to fool them, but because they genuinely don't care. This implies they have better things to do, have a vision and a focus that is not about getting the girls. Unsurprisingly, women like that in men.

The danger with the Red Pill movement is also that it can get men into the mindset that a relationship is some sort of competition that is about "who gets the upper hand", which is an extremely toxic mindset that can destroy any meaningful relationship. It's also stupid because men and women are different, so if two people meet in a relationship, it is about the sacred act of joining two different worlds, while continuing to exist in the male and female worlds respectively, which can be very confusing and emotional and messy and requires lots of work and awareness. And yes, for some guys this also means learning to be more assertive and self-sufficient. But a competition it is not, and treating it as such is weakness.

So yes, I guess if you bring a lot of discernment, you can learn some useful relationship advice in that space, and also get rid of some feminist tropes so embedded in our culture these days. But to my mind, "studying womanhood" on YouTube and buying into some simplistic ideas about biology to then deluding oneself one is an "alpha male" and wasting time "getting the girlz" is actually one of the most unmanly things I can think of.

 

[Asa]

I've found the 'red pill' stuff a very useful antidote to the pervasive feminised conditioning that is inflicted on boys and men from a very young age now. Obviously it has its limitations.

It has helped me learn to be 'sexy,' a skill set i was not naturally blessed with despite being tall athletic and reasonably attractive. It's not the be all and end all but my partner and I both benefit from an improvement to the physical component of our relationship which may not have been possible without reading Tomassi's work and similar stuff from others.

 

[Wandering Star]

Women like "cool" guys not because they pretend to be something in order to fool them, but because they genuinely don't care. This implies they have better things to do, have a vision and a focus that is not about getting the girls. Unsurprisingly, women like that in men

And in fact, with few exceptions (some of which are surely in this forum), this usually happens when the man has acquired certain knowledge and maturity, with which he has lost physical attractiveness.

And in fact, he is very surprised when he observes an interest in him for some woman.

 

[BHelmet]

All very interesting. And, well said, Luc. What puts a lot of the nonsense to rest is actually being in a long term committed relationship with an actual real woman. (Or man) So much of all the bogus conjecture and posing goes out the window when dealing with objective reality. The pet theories turn to dust.

What’s the point of generalization about women? Or men?

What matters are the specific individuals you are trying to relate to! All those theories you entertain can be projected onto the relationships you are in and cause years of delay in discovering who the hell you are in bed with! (To use a crass but apt turn of phrase) Ironically, you can also delay your own self discovery by trying to see your partners in life through the clouded lens of conceptualization layered upon your sight.

And this beggars another point: there is a lot of focus on the process of hooking up. But what then? That’s just one small step in the journey.

That’s when the fun begins. By “fun”, I mean the challenge of learning the huge lessons available in human relationships. “And they lived happily ever after”. “For better or worse”. This is the part that goes so far beyond the challenges of “choosing” which is, of course, a misnomer. We don’t generally choose. IT chooses. And IT is an automatic process so adept at fooling us into the illusion that we are making conscious choices.

 

[BHelmet]

Right. If you are trying to be liked, or likable, you’ve already lost the battle and the results will be less than satisfying. This should be obvious. Try to be true to your inner essence, if you can even get in touch with that. Be who you are, and then see who likes you. Of course this wisdom comes from years of doing the opposite!

 

[Chu]

It has helped me learn to be 'sexy,' a skill set i was not naturally blessed with despite being tall athletic and reasonably attractive. It's not the be all and end all but my partner and I both benefit from an improvement to the physical component of our relationship which may not have been possible without reading Tomassi's work and similar stuff from others.

And I think this is a good example of why some of these ideas and books ARE good! If that was an area that you benefited from developing, then that's great! But I'm sure you also did a lot of filtering, yes?

The problem is when people take it too literally or as the gospel, instead of learning what is most relevant to them, their relationship (if they are in one) or their lives in general. OR when they don't look any deeper. Being fitter, "sexy", more confident, etc. can have a lot to do on how you carry yourself in life too, not just for appearances' sake. It can take many shapes and forms. It can take daring to trust, to play, to express joy and other traits. If it's done only for appearance or to "get" someone, it won't be long-lasting or attractive to a person who doesn't want just a superficial date. Or it may be, but if there isn't enough authenticity, communication, and being strong when you need to be, it's a very fragile position to be in in the long-run. OSIT!

 

[Asa]

And I think this is a good example of why some of these ideas and books ARE good! If that was an area that you benefited from developing, then that's great! But I'm sure you also did a lot of filtering, yes?

The problem is when people take it too literally or as the gospel, instead of learning what is most relevant to them, their relationship (if they are in one) or their lives in general. OR when they don't look any deeper. Being fitter, "sexy", more confident, etc. can have a lot to do on how you carry yourself in life too, not just for appearances' sake. It can take many shapes and forms. It can take daring to trust, to play, to express joy and other traits. If it's done only for appearance or to "get" someone, it won't be long-lasting or attractive to a person who doesn't want just a superficial date. Or it may be, but if there isn't enough authenticity, communication, and being strong when you need to be, it's a very fragile position to be in in the long-run. OSIT!

I think when you are learning any new skillset, you have to 'fake it till you make it' to a certain extent. Or to put it another way, one has to pass through the developmental arc to mastery, which is something like 'unconscious incompetence - conscious incompetence - conscious competence - unconscious competence'. So whilst I acknowledge that presenting superficial traits is not a long term strategy in any walk of life, you surely have to start somewhere, right? And in this context, when there is a palpable lack of rite of passage for men, or any objective instruction on the traits that women are aroused by, then what choice do we have but to research them, and practice them - superficially at first - and discover what works, what doesn't, and gradually integrate them into our whole being.

The information presented by Tomassi should be common knowledge, and shared as such, for the benefit of men and women. With the current 'blue pill' conditioning men are subjected to, a few things happen: 1) Men are clueless about what makes women tick, and end up trapped in a delusion that there is an irreconcilable mystery surrounding their behaviour. This leads to frustration, submissive patterns of behaviour, and a 'life of quiet desperation.' 2) Women are competing for a very small pool of men who exhibit the traits which trigger biological arousal cues. This leads to 'settling' for men subconsciously perceived as substandard, and a 'life of quiet desperation.' 3) That very small pool of men contains a disproportionately high number of pathological or dysfunctional types - men that are 'naturals', who rebel against the conditioning. Surely it would be better to arm men with the facts, so that wholesome men also exhibit the traits, in consciously manifested and healthy ways, that are typical of 'badboys'?

There is a guy called 'Heartiste' who did similar work to Tomassi, who is in some respects an unwholesome bigot. However, some of his recommendations on how to conduct oneself in relation to women have produced remarkable results in my current relationship. Here are a few:

"
III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore."

IV. Don’t play by her rules

If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

IX. Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

In a more simple way of speaking you need to become a fun guy to be around that brings joy, laughter and adventure. Women don’t want to be around a Debbie downer who hates life and everything around them. Though it’s ok to feel that way personally and no one is saying you shouldn’t women should neither see nor hear that shit. Learn to be humorous, fun and at least fake having a positive attitude to life. Learn how to put a positive spin on things regardless of your internal thoughts and women will want to be around you more because of it.

XI. Be irrationally self-confident

No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses

In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her."

Just to be absolutely clear, I do not rigidly subscribe to the 'man strong, woman weak' nonsense. But the capacity to exhibit the above traits has been tremendously helpful in cultivating a passionate and loving relationship with my partner. In truth, I only exhibited with any authenticity after I met her. She has very much been my inspiration, in the manner described in the Gnosis series, to start to fulfill my potential as a man. My creative power was activated after she entered my life, and has manifested radical improvements in all areas. I acknowledge this to her, have deep gratitude for it, and thank her. And I started from a place of dysfunction and fragility, 'pretending' to possess the above traits.

The first night I slept with her (we had already had sex a few times), I was struck by terror, terror of intimacy, fear of being skinned alive again (see my intro post for details). I lay on the bed almost paralysed with fear. She lay next to me, just outside of my personal space, and offered me a hand. I gratefully held it. And from these humble beginnings I began to truly develop as a man.

However, I can't help but think that such humble beginnings would not be necessary, for me, her or men or women in general, if we just took our boys and men through an initiatory process that taught them what it is to be a man. Instead, we must haplessly rely on the pathological conditioning of our culture, and grope in the dark for a flickering flame of insight which might lead to illumination in the realm of romance and partnership.

FWIW

 

[Sybil]

I think when you are learning any new skillset, you have to 'fake it till you make it' to a certain extent. Or to put it another way, one has to pass through the developmental arc to mastery, which is something like 'unconscious incompetence - conscious incompetence - conscious competence - unconscious competence'. So whilst I acknowledge that presenting superficial traits is not a long term strategy in any walk of life, you surely have to start somewhere, right? And in this context, when there is a palpable lack of rite of passage for men, or any objective instruction on the traits that women are aroused by, then what choice do we have but to research them, and practice them - superficially at first - and discover what works, what doesn't, and gradually integrate them into our whole being.

The information presented by Tomassi should be common knowledge, and shared as such, for the benefit of men and women. With the current 'blue pill' conditioning men are subjected to, a few things happen: 1) Men are clueless about what makes women tick, and end up trapped in a delusion that there is an irreconcilable mystery surrounding their behaviour. This leads to frustration, submissive patterns of behaviour, and a 'life of quiet desperation.' 2) Women are competing for a very small pool of men who exhibit the traits which trigger biological arousal cues. This leads to 'settling' for men subconsciously perceived as substandard, and a 'life of quiet desperation.' 3) That very small pool of men contains a disproportionately high number of pathological or dysfunctional types - men that are 'naturals', who rebel against the conditioning. Surely it would be better to arm men with the facts, so that wholesome men also exhibit the traits, in consciously manifested and healthy ways, that are typical of 'badboys'?

There is a guy called 'Heartiste' who did similar work to Tomassi, who is in some respects an unwholesome bigot. However, some of his recommendations on how to conduct oneself in relation to women have produced remarkable results in my current relationship. Here are a few:

"
III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore."

IV. Don’t play by her rules

If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

IX. Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

In a more simple way of speaking you need to become a fun guy to be around that brings joy, laughter and adventure. Women don’t want to be around a Debbie downer who hates life and everything around them. Though it’s ok to feel that way personally and no one is saying you shouldn’t women should neither see nor hear that shit. Learn to be humorous, fun and at least fake having a positive attitude to life. Learn how to put a positive spin on things regardless of your internal thoughts and women will want to be around you more because of it.

XI. Be irrationally self-confident

No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses

In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her."

Just to be absolutely clear, I do not rigidly subscribe to the 'man strong, woman weak' nonsense. But the capacity to exhibit the above traits has been tremendously helpful in cultivating a passionate and loving relationship with my partner. In truth, I only exhibited with any authenticity after I met her. She has very much been my inspiration, in the manner described in the Gnosis series, to start to fulfill my potential as a man. My creative power was activated after she entered my life, and has manifested radical improvements in all areas. I acknowledge this to her, have deep gratitude for it, and thank her. And I started from a place of dysfunction and fragility, 'pretending' to possess the above traits.

The first night I slept with her (we had already had sex a few times), I was struck by terror, terror of intimacy, fear of being skinned alive again (see my intro post for details). I lay on the bed almost paralysed with fear. She lay next to me, just outside of my personal space, and offered me a hand. I gratefully held it. And from these humble beginnings I began to truly develop as a man.

However, I can't help but think that such humble beginnings would not be necessary, for me, her or men or women in general, if we just took our boys and men through an initiatory process that taught them what it is to be a man. Instead, we must haplessly rely on the pathological conditioning of our culture, and grope in the dark for a flickering flame of insight which might lead to illumination in the realm of romance and partnership.

FWIW

I would like to disagree with the above presented. Women are introduced here, as creatures helplessly lost in neverending emotional turmoil, looking for an authority figure. I'm no feminist. I like men. Here we go, guys. I do. But. Love yourself before you love her. Surely the best recipe for equal partnership. Women need masculine energy and men need feminine energy. No need to play stupid games and deny the obvious.

 

[Sybil]

"you will have mastery over her."

WTF

A dog trainer?

 

[ScioAgapeOmnis]

I think when you are learning any new skillset, you have to 'fake it till you make it' to a certain extent. Or to put it another way, one has to pass through the developmental arc to mastery, which is something like 'unconscious incompetence - conscious incompetence - conscious competence - unconscious competence'. So whilst I acknowledge that presenting superficial traits is not a long term strategy in any walk of life, you surely have to start somewhere, right? And in this context, when there is a palpable lack of rite of passage for men, or any objective instruction on the traits that women are aroused by, then what choice do we have but to research them, and practice them - superficially at first - and discover what works, what doesn't, and gradually integrate them into our whole being.

The information presented by Tomassi should be common knowledge, and shared as such, for the benefit of men and women. With the current 'blue pill' conditioning men are subjected to, a few things happen: 1) Men are clueless about what makes women tick, and end up trapped in a delusion that there is an irreconcilable mystery surrounding their behaviour. This leads to frustration, submissive patterns of behaviour, and a 'life of quiet desperation.' 2) Women are competing for a very small pool of men who exhibit the traits which trigger biological arousal cues. This leads to 'settling' for men subconsciously perceived as substandard, and a 'life of quiet desperation.' 3) That very small pool of men contains a disproportionately high number of pathological or dysfunctional types - men that are 'naturals', who rebel against the conditioning. Surely it would be better to arm men with the facts, so that wholesome men also exhibit the traits, in consciously manifested and healthy ways, that are typical of 'badboys'?

There is a guy called 'Heartiste' who did similar work to Tomassi, who is in some respects an unwholesome bigot. However, some of his recommendations on how to conduct oneself in relation to women have produced remarkable results in my current relationship. Here are a few:

"
III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore."

IV. Don’t play by her rules

If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

IX. Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

In a more simple way of speaking you need to become a fun guy to be around that brings joy, laughter and adventure. Women don’t want to be around a Debbie downer who hates life and everything around them. Though it’s ok to feel that way personally and no one is saying you shouldn’t women should neither see nor hear that shit. Learn to be humorous, fun and at least fake having a positive attitude to life. Learn how to put a positive spin on things regardless of your internal thoughts and women will want to be around you more because of it.

XI. Be irrationally self-confident

No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses

In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her."

Just to be absolutely clear, I do not rigidly subscribe to the 'man strong, woman weak' nonsense. But the capacity to exhibit the above traits has been tremendously helpful in cultivating a passionate and loving relationship with my partner. In truth, I only exhibited with any authenticity after I met her. She has very much been my inspiration, in the manner described in the Gnosis series, to start to fulfill my potential as a man. My creative power was activated after she entered my life, and has manifested radical improvements in all areas. I acknowledge this to her, have deep gratitude for it, and thank her. And I started from a place of dysfunction and fragility, 'pretending' to possess the above traits.

The first night I slept with her (we had already had sex a few times), I was struck by terror, terror of intimacy, fear of being skinned alive again (see my intro post for details). I lay on the bed almost paralysed with fear. She lay next to me, just outside of my personal space, and offered me a hand. I gratefully held it. And from these humble beginnings I began to truly develop as a man.

However, I can't help but think that such humble beginnings would not be necessary, for me, her or men or women in general, if we just took our boys and men through an initiatory process that taught them what it is to be a man. Instead, we must haplessly rely on the pathological conditioning of our culture, and grope in the dark for a flickering flame of insight which might lead to illumination in the realm of romance and partnership.

FWIW

"you will have mastery over her."

WTF

A dog trainer?

I actually read it more like being in control of your own ship so a woman would find an island of stability in you to quell her chaotic and emotional energies, allowing her to join you on your journey, which she already wants to do. The alternative is knocking you off your path and causing both of you to go overboard - which means she loses interest in you, and you failing to meet her basic need and give the feminine the masculine that it seeks. Of course if she comes at you like a competing ship captain, she's bring the masculine herself, which would be just as bad.

What I personally learned from my relationship is that it's not so black and white either - occasionally we both have the masculine and feminine. Sometimes I feel a little lost, perhaps overwhelmed, and just need support and stability from my love. But more often, simply having her there is my reason for fighting - it reminds me why I'm willing to go through hell, it motivates me to keep going. Her love and femininity are in effect a stabilizing force on my own journey, just as much as I am that for her.

And while this kinda seems to contradict what he says about making your mission, not your woman, your priority - I would somewhat disagree, or amend that at least. I think your woman definitely helps motivate your mission. Most men don't fight in wars to achieve some abstract national war goals - they fight to protect their women and children. It's hard to go through hell to satisfy only personal ambitions. But if you know more money (for example) will lift burdens and suffering from your loving family - you are much more willing to go through hell to achieve it. Same with knowledge - yeah I love knowledge, yeah I seek it, but sharing it with others and watching them use it to alleviate their own suffering is incredibly motivating.

Like JP says - seek meaning, and happiness will be a side effect. Well, it's hard to imagine meaning in the absence of others. Meaning and therefore satisfaction and happiness seem to require others. For STO it's serving self through others. For STS it's serving self by controlling others. But neither would be satisfied being isolated in an empty universe, even if you had all the knowledge and material wealth you wanted. Without being able to share it with others, or in the case of STS, use it to dominate others (or show off, or whatever they're into), it's empty and boring and unmotivating. So while a woman shouldn't BE your personal mission, I think it's fine if she is a big part of your motivation for it. Even if she doesn't exist yet, and is only a future prospect, and you're getting your shit together now so that you can offer value, stability, joy, and meaning to that future woman.

 

[Sybil]

I actually read it more like being in control of your own ship so a woman would find an island of stability in you to quell her chaotic and emotional energies, allowing her to join you on your journey, which she already wants to do. The alternative is knocking you off your path and causing both of you to go overboard - which means she loses interest in you, and you failing to meet her basic need and give the feminine the masculine that it seeks. Of course if she comes at you like a competing ship captain, she's bring the masculine herself, which would be just as bad.

What I personally learned from my relationship is that it's not so black and white either - occasionally we both have the masculine and feminine. Sometimes I feel a little lost, perhaps overwhelmed, and just need support and stability from my love. But more often, simply having her there is my reason for fighting - it reminds me why I'm willing to go through hell, it motivates me to keep going. Her love and femininity are in effect a stabilizing force on my own journey, just as much as I am that for her.

And while this kinda seems to contradict what he says about making your mission, not your woman, your priority - I would somewhat disagree, or amend that at least. I think your woman definitely helps motivate your mission. Most men don't fight in wars to achieve some abstract national war goals - they fight to protect their women and children. It's hard to go through hell to satisfy only personal ambitions. But if you know more money (for example) will lift burdens and suffering from your loving family - you are much more willing to go through hell to achieve it. Same with knowledge - yeah I love knowledge, yeah I seek it, but sharing it with others and watching them use it to alleviate their own suffering is incredibly motivating.

Like JP says - seek meaning, and happiness will be a side effect. Well, it's hard to imagine meaning in the absence of others. Meaning and therefore satisfaction and happiness seem to require others. For STO it's serving self through others. For STS it's serving self by controlling others. But neither would be satisfied being isolated in an empty universe, even if you had all the knowledge and material wealth you wanted. Without being able to share it with others, or in the case of STS, use it to dominate others (or show off, or whatever they're into), it's empty and boring and unmotivating. So while a woman shouldn't BE your personal mission, I think it's fine if she is a big part of your motivation for it. Even if she doesn't exist yet, and is only a future prospect, and you're getting your shit together now so that you can offer value, stability, joy, and meaning to that future woman.

I think YOU should write that book on how to "get" and "keep" a woman. Honestly, there is no sarcasm here. I love how you reinterpreted those twisted words to make them digestible.