Unmasking myself

emmanuel

Jedi Master
After long years of lurking and hiding on this forum I gather all my courage that I possess and I finally decided that I will tell my life story in hope to reveal myself and my lies to everyone who would like to participate and to myself. So, please bear with me; it's a long and probably boring story but I really
need your help and your wisdom. I will probably make a ton of grammar errors and because English is not my native language probably also a lot of strange sentences but I will do my best...

I am 57 years old. I was born in Koper a town in former Yugoslavia, the country that doesn't exist anymore. Now is called Slovenija.
I was very vibrant and alive child who liked nature and animals and I was spending most of my time outdoors climbing hills, playing in the forest and swimming in the sea. I love the water!
So far so good. But I discovered much later in my life that my mother was having me with a 18 year old guy with whom she was in love for 4 years and I was a "mistake ". Don't get me wrong she love me very much but for some strange reason she said that overnight she lost all interest in the young man that she supposedly loved. So, she break up with him and now she has me. She was only 17 ad that time.
In those days in the small community where we lived were strong prejudices if you have a child and you are not married. On top of that she was frightened how she will survive economically. So, she decided to marry her brother's friend just for the paper. She didn't have any relationship with him.
My real father is found out about me but my mother didn't want to have nothing more with him so he left for Germany and lived most of his life there.
When I was around year and a half my mother meet a 21 year older man with a job and appartment so we all moved there.
Not long after that they married and for 40 years I lived in a lie that he is my father.
My true father try establish the connection with me again when I was 12-13 but my mother didn't allow it so he stepped down. Like I said I found aut about him much later when I was 40 years old.
My stepfather officially adopted me and he was my role model as father should be.
I also have 4 years younger sister that I love very much but my stepfather made a distinguished difference between me and my sister. He was always more fond of her (she was his real daughter after all) and I never could understand why. I blame myself and desperately seek his love and attention. He was also very intelligent, great rhetoric, very loud when speaking and intimidating in words and actions. He was product of second world war (he was 13 when war started in Yugoslavia, located in Capitol city Belgrade).
Oh boy. We were nothing alike. He was a mechanic with mechanical mind, he can fix everything and I was this energetic child, sensitive, interested in art and nature with zero arm technical skills. The only thing that connects us was sport, me participating ( athletics, basketball, football/soccer), he watching sports on TV.
When I was a little older, around 10, 11 I tried to learn fixing things with him, you know, boys stuff, but he never had patience and after 30 seconds when I was struggling with tools, he take the tools from me and do the job himself complaining that I was useless. I developed enormous fear regarding anything witch needed to be fixed or repaired and even to this day I considered myself to be no good in this regard. I need to go against enormous internal struggle just to do some simple stuff like changing a flat tire or changing the lock mechanism on the door.
So my point here is that we were light years away personality vise and that I always felt inside me that something is wrong but I just couldn't understand it. And then the fall happened...

When I was 6-7 years old I fell on my head from 2 meter high wall. I broke both of my wrist bones when I try to land but only after few days later the doctor discovered that I had a brain concussion and from that on I think I was never the same...
In the school the teachers said that I was very intelligent, I finished the school test in 10 minutes but because of my unlimited energy I then would want to help others so the teacher sent me to buy coffee or food in grocery store just to have peace in class.
Nevertheless I struggle with attention span and focus to this present day. My mind likes to wander around and I need a lot of effort and energy invested to focus on something.

I also had a strong intuition as a child and I could sense invisible presence in the empty room especially at night time. For long years I was afraid to go to sleep because I always felt that I was not alone in the room and that I wake up "different ".
I also have a vivid memory of my spirit/ soul bump up in my body every early morning that all my body jump up in the bed. The feeling was that I wondered around in my spirit when sleeping and then in semi sleep state I was aware of me coming back to the body. OSIT

Because of my lack of understanding I was afraid and had difficulty to sleep so I discovered that I can rock my body/mind to sleep. I did this until I was 20 ( imagine my embarrassment when I was 19 serving in the army ( it was mandatory in my country at that time )in room with 23 more soldiers).I still occasionally do this (very rear), usually if I am in a lot of stress and on full moon.

When I was 8 and a half we move to a near by city 15 km away in the middle of the school year and I lost all my friends and familiarity of my hometown and surroundings. That was tough but I quickly found new friends and environment was nice with a forest and my beloved Mediterranean see near by.

In the primary school I had very good memory and because of that I was quite successful in school but I had a feeling that I didn't understand much despite my so called intelligence. I was easily distracted with noises when I try to do my homework or learn something new so I rely on my memory and my ability to "read" teachers ( in the sense of what they wanna hear). I liked school and learning but I prefer to read books of my liking. And I was reading a lot. I liked astronomy, history and biology especially ocean mammals like orcas, dolphins and whales. When I was 14 I even wanted to study marine animals but we were lower middle class struggling with money every month and the high school of this type was 120 km away in the Capitol city. Not an option.
I need to mention also that my mother was very protective of me and my sister because my stepfather was ,to my understanding now, psychic tyrant, very intimidating,; even when he speak the words were always loud and usually aggressive. He was a coleric with easy inflamed temper so my mother act as a buffer. He also didn't like my inquisitive nature and thirst for knowledge and often was irritated when I confronted him with different point of view and call me the philosopher.
I was always interested in meaning of life, who we are and where we come from, what this life is all about but didn't have much support so I began to hide in the books and fantasy movies like Star wars and Star trek. The rest of the time I spent outside playing with my friends cowboys and Indians ( I was always on Native American side) or playing sports.
In high school I discovered music and I began to rebel with hard rock and heavy metal music even that I liked 80's New wave music too. It drew my stepfather nuts and it didn't help in our relationship. I was still afraid of him and subconsciously I developed internal feeling that I am not worthy living. I desperately try to find a place to fit so at the time the raw power of heavy metal music and in some cases intelligent rebel text in the songs help a bit in that regard. I was still emotionally immature and to this day I still feel some internal lack of emotional maturity. I still struggle with healthy balance in relationship with other people. I use two extremes. Or I open completely or I withdraw and shut down. Not very bright combination heh.
And then the other thing that I observe in me is that over the years I developed or used a variety of techniques ( martial arts, Tai Ji Quan, vipassana meditation, etc) to maintain my safe place and peace of mind to not be hurt anymore. And to actually avoid participation and be consciously and responsibly involved in other people's lives. Of course I have some friends and connections but not much. On deeper level. On surface I have tons of friends. At that time people find me to be funny, interesting and always something to say but I felt like that I am fake and that I only do what I do to hide the real me from being discovered. And I even didn't know what the "real me"is!

(The thought come to me writing this -Like I am lying all the time just to be percieved better, smarter, likable, accepted. And that is something in me that I don't like, that is dangerous, dark and that I wanna kill this thing). And I feel enormous resistance to expose myself and thoughts came like : you are a liar, it will never change nothing, you will never change, you try so many things in your life and nothing changes, you never learn anything, maybe you are OP or worse-the robot people, etc. I am struggling right now so I will take a break, smoke a cigarette and then continue).
 
Hello Emmanuel, thank you for opening about yourself and sharing your story. Sorry to hear that you had that experience growing up with your stepfather.

(The thought come to me writing this -Like I am lying all the time just to be percieved better, smarter, likable, accepted. And that is something in me that I don't like, that is dangerous, dark and that I wanna kill this thing). And I feel enormous resistance to expose myself and thoughts came like : you are a liar, it will never change nothing, you will never change, you try so many things in your life and nothing changes, you never learn anything, maybe you are OP or worse-the robot people, etc. I am struggling right now so I will take a break, smoke a cigarette and then continue).

There are many situations that I can relate somehow, these thoughts that you have are more common than you think, the fact that you are concern about dangerous actitudes or behaviors, is a good step to start noticing programs and habits that can affect us/others. The thing is, not to fall into a loop overthinking about it, you have recognized that maybe there are some emotional immaturity in you, which is fine, this allows you to start working on it and better begin comprehending your behaviors. Here in the forum, there is a thread dedicated to romance novels, could be a good exercise emotionally and mentally for you to read some of the recommended novels. Keep posting-networking also helps! :-)
 
Hello Emmanuel, thank you for opening about yourself and sharing your story. Sorry to hear that you had that experience growing up with your stepfather.



There are many situations that I can relate somehow, these thoughts that you have are more common than you think, the fact that you are concern about dangerous actitudes or behaviors, is a good step to start noticing programs and habits that can affect us/others. The thing is, not to fall into a loop overthinking about it, you have recognized that maybe there are some emotional immaturity in you, which is fine, this allows you to start working on it and better begin comprehending your behaviors. Here in the forum, there is a thread dedicated to romance novels, could be a good exercise emotionally and mentally for you to read some of the recommended novels. Keep posting-networking also helps! :-)
Thank you irj0 for your support. Much appreciated.
Regarding the novels I think I have one on kindle from Jennifer Ashley - The madness of lord Ian Mackenzie.

Yeah. Networking. My weakness but I will persist. I promise to myself and all of you.
 
Thank you for sharing and your courage to do so, Emmanuel. It is not boring at all. I can relate to a lot of your story and will just briefly add, for now, that the recommended psychology books were valuable to me personally.
How did you end up in Australia, if you don't mind me asking?
 
Merci 'avoir partagé votre chemin de vie, malheureusement partagé par beaucoup...
J'ai hâte de lire la suite annoncée...

Thank you 'for sharing your life path, unfortunately shared by many...
I can't wait to read the sequel...
 
Thank you for sharing and your courage to do so, Emmanuel. It is not boring at all. I can relate to a lot of your story and will just briefly add, for now, that the recommended psychology books were valuable to me personally.
How did you end up in Australia, if you don't mind me asking?
Thank you stellar for your kind words.
13-14 years ago I have great job that I loved but then in 3 months time the new owners come in picture and everything changed. Despite my success in my field they decided that my contract is to high and because I didn't want to go on the student wage as they proposed I quit the job. Very soon after that I met my current wife and because things in our country declined rapidly we decided after thorough investigation and contemplation to use my skills to relocate to Australia. They needed my type of skills at that time and the wages were incomparable.

In the meantime we fell in love with the country and the much better life style so we decided to stay permanently.
 
Hi, @emmanuel

Thank you for sharing your story so far. Like irjO said, I'm sure there are many things that you experienced as a child and that you feel now that we also experienced and feel.

From reading your post, I think you would probably get a lot of benefits from reading the recommended four psychology books, if you haven't read them already?

The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers by Barbara E. Hort
The Narcissistic Family by Robert M. Pressman and Stephanie Donaldson

They can really help us to understand our personalities and childhoods better and see everything in a new way.
 
On surface I have tons of friends. At that time people find me to be funny, interesting and always something to say but I felt like that I am fake and that I only do what I do to hide the real me from being discovered. And I even didn't know what the "real me"is!
Good insight. Disposing of the illusion of who we think we are and realising that we don't know ourselves is half the battle. Now, you need to observe yourself very closely and create a true picture of who you really are, a process that isn't always pleasant. And you need to have a "clue to the view" - the books that T.C. recommended should be your first starting point if you haven't read them already.

Based on what you've written, it seems you've come quite some way already in life; many people wouldn't be able to do some of the things you've done. So just consider this as another step on your path, only a step that you're taking a bit more consciously than you did some of your previous ones. And the more you learn, the more conscious and deliberate your actions will become.

So, well done, and keep us up to date with your progress. Networking works!
 
Thanks you for sharing your story Emmanuel :-)

This is more helpful to all of us than you may think, since some of us share similar aspects of your story. I think you have come further than you realise - you have identified programs that you created and applied to survive at the time, but they are now causing you problems. That right there is powerful in itself, the fact that you identified them at all !

I can tell you form personal experience that head injuries cause issues with concentration and intolerance of noisy and loud situations - I suffered a fractured skull at age 5 and had similar issues as you have. Meditation has helped with the concentration, but as for loud noises I still can't tolerate.

I wish you well in working on yourself ! I'm sure you will receive the help you need to work on these things - please don't be afraid to ask !

☮️
 
Thanks for sharing your story emmanuel. Really, I think that life is not so much about where you have been, but where you are headed. I think it is all there for a purpose. In other words, lessons. At some level, we have chosen our own lessons, and once learned, we can move on. At least, that is how I see it.
 
Hi, @emmanuel

Thank you for sharing your story so far. Like irjO said, I'm sure there are many things that you experienced as a child and that you feel now that we also experienced and feel.

From reading your post, I think you would probably get a lot of benefits from reading the recommended four psychology books, if you haven't read them already?

The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers by Barbara E. Hort
The Narcissistic Family by Robert M. Pressman and Stephanie Donaldson

They can really help us to understand our personalities and childhoods better and see everything in a new way.

Hi, @emmanuel

Thank you for sharing your story so far. Like irjO said, I'm sure there are many things that you experienced as a child and that you feel now that we also experienced and feel.

From reading your post, I think you would probably get a lot of benefits from reading the recommended four psychology books, if you haven't read them already?

The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers by Barbara E. Hort
The Narcissistic Family by Robert M. Pressman and Stephanie Donaldson

They can really help us to understand our personalities and childhoods better and see everything in a new way.
Thank you T.C. It is always good to know that somebody can relate to your situation. If I am honest I didn't realize that so many people can experience the same or similar thing as myself because I couldn't compare my internal sensations with nobody at that time and now I slowly begin to understand why sharing and networking is so important.

Regarding psychology books I start reading The narcissistic family so thank you again for your support. I would also like to read Mask of sanity but I couldn't find on kindle. I like physical books but unfortunately we live in a caravan and move a lot so I don't have a permanent address.
I will find the way. Maybe put the address of some friends and pick the book later. 😊
 
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