emmanuel
Jedi Master
Thank you Ryan for your insight. I definitely relate to your words about being more conscious in any situation.
Unmasking myself
- Thread starter emmanuel
- Start date
emmanuel
Jedi Master
emmanuel
Jedi Master
Thank you BlueKiwi. The meditation helped my concentration too. And Tai ji Quan.Thanks you for sharing your story Emmanuel
This is more helpful to all of us than you may think, since some of us share similar aspects of your story. I think you have come further than you realise - you have identified programs that you created and applied to survive at the time, but they are now causing you problems. That right there is powerful in itself, the fact that you identified them at all !
I can tell you form personal experience that head injuries cause issues with concentration and intolerance of noisy and loud situations - I suffered a fractured skull at age 5 and had similar issues as you have. Meditation has helped with the concentration, but as for loud noises I still can't tolerate.
I wish you well in working on yourself ! I'm sure you will receive the help you need to work on these things - please don't be afraid to ask !
emmanuel
Jedi Master
Ok. I feel better after the smoke. Uneasiness is still there and I have a light headache but I will continue nevertheless.
I was 14 and I need to pick a High school. The teachers said that I have a talent for languages and math but I didn't have a clue what I wanted. Because I liked to travel I finally choose near by Tourists high school to become a receptionist in the hotel or tourist guide. That's all I got.
Mother was happy because the school was only 15 minutes drive away from our home and also the prospect to find a job in our town was good.
The 4 years went fast and after that followed 15 months of mandatory army service. I was lost in the beginning...
My childlike naivete caused me some trouble but then I adapt.
The thing that I need to mention is that my mind was always felt like that is split. I act in only two ways; as an innocent child that anybody can take advantage of or I take a stand of a liar to make myself look better and smarter to prevent to be exploited. Because of my charisma and knowledge in a lot of different areas I often succeed and so I developed the habit to always make look myself better than I really am . It became so strong and I become so used to it, that I barely noticed it anymore. And when I intentionally put conscious attention to it as an neutral observer I experience strong pressure on the frontal lobe and sometimes vertigo or/and headache.
After the army I found the job as a night receptionist in a hotel. A few years later I changed the hotel and worked there again as a receptionist but this time day shift. After few more years I quit the job. I can't remember any more what was the reason and for the first time I was without job and income. I was still living with my parents so I was ok but laziness got me. I spent a lot of the time with homeless people. I think I wanted some kind of freedom or escape from the matrix. But observing this poor people in their environment I soon realized that they were not so free after all. Yes, they were "free" with their time with no obligation to society wich at that time I find appealing ( you know, rebellion and all that) but they will do anything for a bottle of alcohol or cigarette. All their stories were very interesting and of course sad but something was missing...
After 3 months of doing nothing I find another job in a private hotel. I did everything. Serve meals, making coffe, serve drinks, working on the reception and making tax books for the Government. On top of that I was not paid. When I finally got some money I leave this job and I started to sale Time sharing package witch was something new in our country and for me too. It went very well for me until I discovered that the product was not what it seemed. I felt guilty even that I didn't know what was going on behind the scene but I was jobless again. And I didn't like it.
Fortunately in this events I met my girlfriend at that time and with her help I start working as an custom officer on the Italian border. My God! What a wrong person for the job I was. The money was good but the job was horrible. I could never imagined myself in that situation before. I didn't fit at all. I couldn't harass old granny who saved money for 20 years that she can finally go to Italy and buy a wash machine and now when she return in my country and because the washing machine was 10 $ over the limit that my country allowed I need to charge her penalty? No thank you! On the other hand I was observing how people on high position in the government get richer every day exploiting the custom rules for their own purposes. I was boiling inside.
Fortunately for me the "government people" discovered that I didn't charge people any penalties and I was of no use,so they send me to the small local frontier where local people cross the border to go to work in another country. It was much less traffic and very quiet. Perfect! Here I could read books that I liked, study something new and practice my martial arts.
I practice my martial arts 3,4 hours a day every day ( yeah, I know, when I decided to do something I go all in, sometimes to my own detriment ) so after a few months I experienced for the first time in my life lower back pain. I never was in to the medication and pills so I endured the pain. Usually if I was sick or have some minor injuries from sports or other activities, I will just rest, water fast for a day or two and I will be fine. But this time the pain was persistent, so I decided to visit an aikido master who was also a manual therapist and osteopath and a lot of people that I knew had great experiences with him.
After only one 50 min session with him, the pain level dropped about 90 % and after the second treatment - no more pain! I did one more session but only because I was enjoying the treatment very much and I was curious about the technique that he was using. Not your ordinary stile of massage for sure. So I was intrigued.
We talk about that in great length and also become good friends. So I learn from him that he used on me the Traditional Chinese Medical Massage Therapy called Tui - na. Never heard of it. But because I practice Chinese martial arts and Qi Gong breathing techniques, I became even more interested. I start to do research and become more and more fascinated with the connection between the Tui-na technique, Qi Gong breathing and Tai ji Quan movement.
As it turns out few months later the same guy opened the Massage school academy and one of the first classes was Tui - na. I enroll.
You must understand guys that my decision was not easy for me to make. And the reason is that for me and my upbringing, the simple touch on another human being was considered half sex. Today I found this to be funny but at that time it was strong program that I needed to overcome. And I did. When I first lay my hands on someone the strange familiarity overwhelm me. I know this! From somewhere. And so my new journey began. I progressed rapidly. In only 5-6 years I gained 9 diplomas from different manual techniques. I have a lot of success in helping people in all kind of injuries, body recoveries, traumas and in some cases even heavy illnesses like Myasthenia gravis and muscle atrophy.
I developed in time my own technique were I will combine all the techniques and knowledge that I had and depending on client circumstances used one move from Shiatsu, few moves from Myosceletal alignment, Cranio-Sacral Osteopathy and so on.
The clients love it and results were there. And I never stopped learning and improving.
What I also discovered was that if I simply put my hands on someone and be still, patient and listen to the body/mind complex, I could calm the vagus cranial nerve and if I put attention to certain part of the body I could sense or feel the muscle movement, the fascia, electricity of fyring neurons and even the bone movements! It was fascinating. A whole new world opened for me and the best part was that I really loved and enjoyed helping people. Especially people in pain, children and elderly people. No money can be as revording as seeing happiness on clients faces and warm gratitude in their eyes. I finally find my path. Or so it seems...
Other part of my life didn't go so well. I don't change intimate partners frequently. After 6 and a half years my girlfriend and I broke up. Nothing unusual in life of course but we were so much in love and we understand each other so well that this was a huge surprise for everyone, even us. So what happened ?
I personally think that the relationship began to slowly fall apart one year before we split when I discovered meditation and Tai ji Quan. I began to question my life and purpose and even that my partner and I lived peaceful and loving life we probably slowly began to move in different directions. It was not very obvious but you can feel it. And we didn't talk about it. We just let the flow of life be. Wich was a mistake of course.
So one day I was laying in bed with my girlfriend. She was sleeping. I watched her for a while and then the strange feeling came. It was as I didn't know the person who was previously so close to me at all.
Who is that person? I honestly didn't know the answer. When she wake up I ask her if she is willing to talk. She agreed. We have a nice, peaceful talk about everything considering us and we both confirm what we know already. It's time to move on. For both of us. We cried, we laugh, we hugh. It was heartfelt, warm experience. Painful but beautiful for the reason that we both somehow knew that this is the right thing to do.
So I helped her move and I tried to be as much supportive as possible. We had 5 and a half beautiful years together and I didn't want that any misunderstanding ruins all that. And my new journey began...
To be continued...
I was 14 and I need to pick a High school. The teachers said that I have a talent for languages and math but I didn't have a clue what I wanted. Because I liked to travel I finally choose near by Tourists high school to become a receptionist in the hotel or tourist guide. That's all I got.
Mother was happy because the school was only 15 minutes drive away from our home and also the prospect to find a job in our town was good.
The 4 years went fast and after that followed 15 months of mandatory army service. I was lost in the beginning...
My childlike naivete caused me some trouble but then I adapt.
The thing that I need to mention is that my mind was always felt like that is split. I act in only two ways; as an innocent child that anybody can take advantage of or I take a stand of a liar to make myself look better and smarter to prevent to be exploited. Because of my charisma and knowledge in a lot of different areas I often succeed and so I developed the habit to always make look myself better than I really am . It became so strong and I become so used to it, that I barely noticed it anymore. And when I intentionally put conscious attention to it as an neutral observer I experience strong pressure on the frontal lobe and sometimes vertigo or/and headache.
After the army I found the job as a night receptionist in a hotel. A few years later I changed the hotel and worked there again as a receptionist but this time day shift. After few more years I quit the job. I can't remember any more what was the reason and for the first time I was without job and income. I was still living with my parents so I was ok but laziness got me. I spent a lot of the time with homeless people. I think I wanted some kind of freedom or escape from the matrix. But observing this poor people in their environment I soon realized that they were not so free after all. Yes, they were "free" with their time with no obligation to society wich at that time I find appealing ( you know, rebellion and all that) but they will do anything for a bottle of alcohol or cigarette. All their stories were very interesting and of course sad but something was missing...
After 3 months of doing nothing I find another job in a private hotel. I did everything. Serve meals, making coffe, serve drinks, working on the reception and making tax books for the Government. On top of that I was not paid. When I finally got some money I leave this job and I started to sale Time sharing package witch was something new in our country and for me too. It went very well for me until I discovered that the product was not what it seemed. I felt guilty even that I didn't know what was going on behind the scene but I was jobless again. And I didn't like it.
Fortunately in this events I met my girlfriend at that time and with her help I start working as an custom officer on the Italian border. My God! What a wrong person for the job I was. The money was good but the job was horrible. I could never imagined myself in that situation before. I didn't fit at all. I couldn't harass old granny who saved money for 20 years that she can finally go to Italy and buy a wash machine and now when she return in my country and because the washing machine was 10 $ over the limit that my country allowed I need to charge her penalty? No thank you! On the other hand I was observing how people on high position in the government get richer every day exploiting the custom rules for their own purposes. I was boiling inside.
Fortunately for me the "government people" discovered that I didn't charge people any penalties and I was of no use,so they send me to the small local frontier where local people cross the border to go to work in another country. It was much less traffic and very quiet. Perfect! Here I could read books that I liked, study something new and practice my martial arts.
I practice my martial arts 3,4 hours a day every day ( yeah, I know, when I decided to do something I go all in, sometimes to my own detriment ) so after a few months I experienced for the first time in my life lower back pain. I never was in to the medication and pills so I endured the pain. Usually if I was sick or have some minor injuries from sports or other activities, I will just rest, water fast for a day or two and I will be fine. But this time the pain was persistent, so I decided to visit an aikido master who was also a manual therapist and osteopath and a lot of people that I knew had great experiences with him.
After only one 50 min session with him, the pain level dropped about 90 % and after the second treatment - no more pain! I did one more session but only because I was enjoying the treatment very much and I was curious about the technique that he was using. Not your ordinary stile of massage for sure. So I was intrigued.
We talk about that in great length and also become good friends. So I learn from him that he used on me the Traditional Chinese Medical Massage Therapy called Tui - na. Never heard of it. But because I practice Chinese martial arts and Qi Gong breathing techniques, I became even more interested. I start to do research and become more and more fascinated with the connection between the Tui-na technique, Qi Gong breathing and Tai ji Quan movement.
As it turns out few months later the same guy opened the Massage school academy and one of the first classes was Tui - na. I enroll.
You must understand guys that my decision was not easy for me to make. And the reason is that for me and my upbringing, the simple touch on another human being was considered half sex. Today I found this to be funny but at that time it was strong program that I needed to overcome. And I did. When I first lay my hands on someone the strange familiarity overwhelm me. I know this! From somewhere. And so my new journey began. I progressed rapidly. In only 5-6 years I gained 9 diplomas from different manual techniques. I have a lot of success in helping people in all kind of injuries, body recoveries, traumas and in some cases even heavy illnesses like Myasthenia gravis and muscle atrophy.
I developed in time my own technique were I will combine all the techniques and knowledge that I had and depending on client circumstances used one move from Shiatsu, few moves from Myosceletal alignment, Cranio-Sacral Osteopathy and so on.
The clients love it and results were there. And I never stopped learning and improving.
What I also discovered was that if I simply put my hands on someone and be still, patient and listen to the body/mind complex, I could calm the vagus cranial nerve and if I put attention to certain part of the body I could sense or feel the muscle movement, the fascia, electricity of fyring neurons and even the bone movements! It was fascinating. A whole new world opened for me and the best part was that I really loved and enjoyed helping people. Especially people in pain, children and elderly people. No money can be as revording as seeing happiness on clients faces and warm gratitude in their eyes. I finally find my path. Or so it seems...
Other part of my life didn't go so well. I don't change intimate partners frequently. After 6 and a half years my girlfriend and I broke up. Nothing unusual in life of course but we were so much in love and we understand each other so well that this was a huge surprise for everyone, even us. So what happened ?
I personally think that the relationship began to slowly fall apart one year before we split when I discovered meditation and Tai ji Quan. I began to question my life and purpose and even that my partner and I lived peaceful and loving life we probably slowly began to move in different directions. It was not very obvious but you can feel it. And we didn't talk about it. We just let the flow of life be. Wich was a mistake of course.
So one day I was laying in bed with my girlfriend. She was sleeping. I watched her for a while and then the strange feeling came. It was as I didn't know the person who was previously so close to me at all.
Who is that person? I honestly didn't know the answer. When she wake up I ask her if she is willing to talk. She agreed. We have a nice, peaceful talk about everything considering us and we both confirm what we know already. It's time to move on. For both of us. We cried, we laugh, we hugh. It was heartfelt, warm experience. Painful but beautiful for the reason that we both somehow knew that this is the right thing to do.
So I helped her move and I tried to be as much supportive as possible. We had 5 and a half beautiful years together and I didn't want that any misunderstanding ruins all that. And my new journey began...
To be continued...
emmanuel
Jedi Master
Thank you Beau. I agree. I didn't know how to do it.
PERLOU
The Living Force
Vous avez un parcours intéressant et acquis beaucoup de connaissances...
Connaissez vous le REIKI ?...
Désolée pour votre séparation qui à l’air de s’être si bien passée...
Hâte de lire la suite... C’est un véritable feuilleton.
Merci pour le partage...
You have an interesting background and acquired a lot of knowledge...
Do you know REIKI?...
Sorry for your separation which seems to have gone so well...
Can't wait to read more... It's a real soap opera.
Thank you for sharing...
Connaissez vous le REIKI ?...
Désolée pour votre séparation qui à l’air de s’être si bien passée...
Hâte de lire la suite... C’est un véritable feuilleton.
Merci pour le partage...
You have an interesting background and acquired a lot of knowledge...
Do you know REIKI?...
Sorry for your separation which seems to have gone so well...
Can't wait to read more... It's a real soap opera.
Thank you for sharing...
emmanuel, your story is certainly interesting. So glad your split with your girlfriend was amicable.
What you experienced with your step-father is so common but so difficult for a child to understand. You were lucky you had your mother as a go between. Letting go of the past is so very difficult but you as a adult now can look back and see the child you were then and see the experience with your stepdad as a lesson learned that all people are not the same and he had his own lessons to learn. Let go now and move forward.
Your story continues with your helping people in pain. What a gift to have and use!!
For someone who feels awkward posting I have to say your narration is very clear and free flowing. Looking forward to your next post and thank you for sharing.
What you experienced with your step-father is so common but so difficult for a child to understand. You were lucky you had your mother as a go between. Letting go of the past is so very difficult but you as a adult now can look back and see the child you were then and see the experience with your stepdad as a lesson learned that all people are not the same and he had his own lessons to learn. Let go now and move forward.
Your story continues with your helping people in pain. What a gift to have and use!!
For someone who feels awkward posting I have to say your narration is very clear and free flowing. Looking forward to your next post and thank you for sharing.
emmanuel
Jedi Master
I know ABOUT Reiki but I never take any course or being initiated. A lot of my clients asked me after the sessions if I did Reiki tho. They said that they felt similar energy flow from my hands as in the Reiki sessions that they have. This usually happens on my Cranio Sacral therapy sessions probably because the technique requires that the therapist is very still, the hands doesn't have a lot of movement because it is all about listening what is going on in the client body. OSIT
But what I discovered over the years of practice is that my hands somehow are able to relax clients very fast in the process of healing and in some cases also helped to reduce pain.
Regarding my life as a soap opera you bring smile on my face. It really feels that way sometimes. ☺
emmanuel
Jedi Master
Hey Emmanuel, 
So good to see that despite your hesitation and concerns, you have found a way to channel your 'Lionheart' and join the gathering.
Yours is a song that plays familiar chords for many, yet it is uniquely your own. Far from being boring, it's interesting and helpful for others to hear of your experiences; sometimes others have a way of saying simply what we ourselves struggle to find words for. Sometimes until someone offers their own perspective and lessons we may not even have had full awareness until that moment we (or someone we care for) may have felt something similar... or even realised we held a similar wound/emotion at all.
I know it can feel strange sharing things with others who you don't really 'know' that well, but as you have probably noticed from your time connected to the forum, there are many souls here of diverse backgrounds, experiences and awareness who will listen with respect, greatly appreciative of your honesty and integrity as you share and explore your layers of your experiences; who will offer feedback and support when/if appropriate.
None of us arrive here because we 'have it all together'; many have likely experienced what might have felt like an eternity of stumbling lost in the 'dark wilds of the world' before we discovered a secret, well hidden winding pathway whispering to us, leading us here - to what I personally visualise as a beautiful clearing, in a light filled forest. A place where we could find some quiet space to pause, collect ourselves, find our bearings, breathe and reflect. We might initially have found ourselves sitting as 'fringe dwellers' just outside some group circles, at times mesmerised by the fire at the centre burning steadily, listening to the discussions, observing, getting a better feel for the general 'vibe of the tribe' - but eventually we found the courage and inspiration to participate in discussions more actively... and also share a bit about our own experiences - just like you are doing so beautifully!
It feels like your song has been waiting to be sung for some time to those who might truly 'hear' it appreciate the 'language', the layers and changes in 'tempo' offered through your personal frequency. It's not a song you would sing to just anyone, it deserves to be truly listened to by those who recognise it. I feel our lives really are like songs - like sonic shapes from the soul - and those listening with open hearts and minds are able to know and appreciate more fully, the unique lifepath you have travelled.
It seems clear that you were always destined to be a healer, you have always been sensitive from what you have shared and your empathy for others and sense of integrity is obvious - sounds like it has only increased over the years. You have had some hard initiations and some great beauty and light in your lifepath, both offer riches that will last a lifetime; making us stronger and clearer about who we really are becoming - and how our soul leads us to greater knowledge, wisdom and insight.
Thank you for sharing with us Emmanuel.
So good to see that despite your hesitation and concerns, you have found a way to channel your 'Lionheart' and join the gathering.
Yours is a song that plays familiar chords for many, yet it is uniquely your own. Far from being boring, it's interesting and helpful for others to hear of your experiences; sometimes others have a way of saying simply what we ourselves struggle to find words for. Sometimes until someone offers their own perspective and lessons we may not even have had full awareness until that moment we (or someone we care for) may have felt something similar... or even realised we held a similar wound/emotion at all.
I know it can feel strange sharing things with others who you don't really 'know' that well, but as you have probably noticed from your time connected to the forum, there are many souls here of diverse backgrounds, experiences and awareness who will listen with respect, greatly appreciative of your honesty and integrity as you share and explore your layers of your experiences; who will offer feedback and support when/if appropriate.
None of us arrive here because we 'have it all together'; many have likely experienced what might have felt like an eternity of stumbling lost in the 'dark wilds of the world' before we discovered a secret, well hidden winding pathway whispering to us, leading us here - to what I personally visualise as a beautiful clearing, in a light filled forest. A place where we could find some quiet space to pause, collect ourselves, find our bearings, breathe and reflect. We might initially have found ourselves sitting as 'fringe dwellers' just outside some group circles, at times mesmerised by the fire at the centre burning steadily, listening to the discussions, observing, getting a better feel for the general 'vibe of the tribe' - but eventually we found the courage and inspiration to participate in discussions more actively... and also share a bit about our own experiences - just like you are doing so beautifully!
It feels like your song has been waiting to be sung for some time to those who might truly 'hear' it appreciate the 'language', the layers and changes in 'tempo' offered through your personal frequency. It's not a song you would sing to just anyone, it deserves to be truly listened to by those who recognise it. I feel our lives really are like songs - like sonic shapes from the soul - and those listening with open hearts and minds are able to know and appreciate more fully, the unique lifepath you have travelled.
It seems clear that you were always destined to be a healer, you have always been sensitive from what you have shared and your empathy for others and sense of integrity is obvious - sounds like it has only increased over the years. You have had some hard initiations and some great beauty and light in your lifepath, both offer riches that will last a lifetime; making us stronger and clearer about who we really are becoming - and how our soul leads us to greater knowledge, wisdom and insight.
Thank you for sharing with us Emmanuel.
seve
Jedi Master
What appeals to me about your journey is the ability to go from "patient" to therapist. Once the path of self-love and confidence has been rediscovered (the lion brings us back to a narcissistic complex to be analyzed and sublimated), many people turn to healing others after healing themselves. Self-healing can bring out a previously unknown gift. I say all this because, having gone through the same narcissistic healing process, I discovered painting as a self-taught art form and hope one day to become an art therapist so that others can learn to love themselves through self-expression, which brings incredible joy. For me, your gift as a therapist corresponds to the peace and love you've found within yourself.
Good luck for the rest.
Good luck for the rest.
emmanuel
Jedi Master
After I split with my girlfriend I was without a partner for 7 years. I dedicated all my time to martial art training, meditation and my manual therapies. At that time I was still employed as a custom officer but I studied and practiced manual techniques and massage all the time.
In a year or so I couldn't stand my job anymore. I resign. Everyone was in shock! You can not resign a very good, paid, stable government job like this. I was already been seen in the eyes of my colleagues weird but now...I was definitely crazy!
So now what? I already did some massage therapy's here and there but not enough for stable living. I knew for sure that this is what I wanna do but how to proceed? Making plans for gaining money was never my forte...
I needed some advice. So I met with my aikido master friend and asked him for help. His suggestion was that I should be fearless and go straight to the biggest thing. The health and wellness resort Life Class wich has reputation of being the best not only in my country but also in the East Europe and Mediterranean.
I was surprised to say the least but he explained to me, that he worked there before and that my knowledge is more than enough. I was skeptical but after few days of thinking decided to go for it.
To my surprise they needed more therapists badly, so after a trial I start working. Amazing!
I spend 7 years there learning every day more and more. I also start teaching one hour classes of Taiji Quan and Qi gong to clients there.
After that I opened my own business so that I can have clients in the privacy of my home.
And for the first time in my life - I have a dog! I love dogs. But my parents never allowed me to have one. The explanation was that we live in the appartment not in the house so we can not disturb other people in the facility.
But now, I live alone, make my own decisions and dog it is. I adopted 2 months old puppy from dog asylum. He was so grateful and adorable that we became best friends quickly. Ben was a mixture of Belgian and Scottish Shepherd and was a zen like dog. Quiet, peaceful and very intelligent. I didn't like the official dog training so I trained him myself. And he trained me. A beautiful time that I will always treasure. Forever.
We were able to bond so strongly that once that I was participating in native American sweat lodge and have a really bad experience ( the lodge was very small, packed with 25 people or more and was so hot that I needed my extra strength to not pass out ), I could physically feel the bump on my back ( nobody was behind me and nobody was outside the sweat lodge) and then the clear picture of my dog form in my mind that I could feel his spirit and his presence. I could immagined this of course but for me was as real as me being there in flesh and bones. And it helped! He was not in the camp because they didn't allow animals on the ceremony so I leave Ben with my trustworthy friend back at home. But somehow he must felt my discomfort in spirit and come to help. OSIT
And I still remember how I introduced element of water to him and teach him to swim. Just thinking about that brings warmth to my heart and smile on my face...
Next thing worth mentioned is that I became involved in relationship with 12 years older woman. I met her in our Tai ji class. She was looking much younger than her age but if I think about that right now, I still don't understand how we could get together.
I mean I didn't search for a partner but if I remember correctly she was in pain once and I offered her my help. After that she was all over me saying that she felt connection with me and if I am willing to be more intimate with her. As an experiment.
Strange words to start a new relationship. It should be the first red flag to me but... I was still SOOO naive and immature in love matters. I was easy prey for her.
We are being together on and off for 4 years and not all was bad. She helped me repaint my old apartment and she helped me break off my mother influence regarding sex and intimacy. And we had some good times together.
On the other side, she was very moody. Her energy can sometimes be so unpleasant, pushy, controlling and destructive that I was often confused. I could sense her angry energy miles away. I was not afraid but after a while I couldn't deal with this anymore. It was as she became another person. Today I understand but then, not so much.
So I tried to break with her, you know , being nice and polite and take her feelings and emotions in consideration but nothing helped.
She always finds the way to get to me. Usually through my biggest weakness - sex.
She could be really warm and sensitive and sexy. And with her catlike body and beautiful eyes... I was done. My brain didn't work anymore. My logic gone. I could barely remember all the tension and all the bad stuff that I experienced with her. It was crazy! What the heck is going on. I couldn't understand how can I fall for that all the time over and over again. I train martial arts for god sake! This should not suppose to happen! And here I was, totally unable to think, as if all my willpower was sucked out of me.
When I look back today I can see clearly how she played me. She was probably narcissist maybe even sociopath and I was in my new age bubble. "Don't think, just be." Yeah, right.
Anyway, after on and off for couple of years I gathered my strength, put myself together and decided that I will not fall for any manipulation again. So I prepared the ground like a warrior.
I choose the place and time where we will meet. And I was alert and observant all the time. What is going on inside me and around me.
This is probably the reason why I was able to notice and even predict all of her moves, even the subtle ones. No matter what she said or do, I didn't react impulsively but just wait and listen with only one goal in mind. To end the relationship. When she noticed that nothing worked on me any more, she agreed that we can stay friends.
Few days passed and everything was ok. And then all the hell break loose...
Remember the story of my real father? It was around the time that I was in relationship with this lady that I discovered that my stepfather is not my real father. I needed another 2 years to process that information that I was finally ready to make a contact with him.
So I make a phone call. He was of course surprise but we decided to meet in person. I remember how confused I was when we met. I didn't know how to react. Should I hug him or should we shake hands or ...what?
I instinctively tried to hug him. I could sense the stiffness in his body so I instantly backed away.
After a few moments of awkwardness we agreed to go to restaurant for lunch and talk. I find out that my mother didn't allow him to see me and that they didn't talk more than 25 years. He expressed concern that I was really his son because my mother married her brother friend that my father knew too and he was suspicious. So he asked me if I was willing to take a DNA test. I didn't have any problem with that but I already knew what the test will show.
Physically I was his carbon copy. And then the movements, walking and hands gestures when talking...it was me! Like I was looking my older self.
Lifestyle and interests, that's another story. Let's leave it for now.
The DNA test showed 99,8 % DNA compatibility. He knew now for sure. I was his son. We agreed that we will stay in contact and go forward from there. I will give you more details later on but right now I just broke up with my borderline sociopathic girlfriend so let's go from here.
After few days after my brake up, my father called me. He was very upset. My former girlfriend called him and complained about me telling my father a bunch of lies. For example that I treated her badly, exploited her sexually and take money from her when I renovated the apartment.
My father was in shock. He is a simple man, not used to that type of intimate conversation especially not with the girlfriend of his son. And he couldn't understand why she called him.
I didn't know what to say. How can you explain to someone something that even you don't understand. The only thing that I could say was that I was sorry that he was involved in all this.
But it didn't end there.
She called my mother too. With my mother was even worse because they lived near by and they see each other more often, in the grocery store while shopping or in coffee shop or post office. It was a nightmare. I didn't know how to fix all this.
And then my friends from the martial arts community began to ask me what is going on. I mean, what?
O yeah! She was busy there too telling bunch of lies and present herself as a victim. Terrific!
So this was going on for a while. I tried to think what is the best thing to do; to take some action or not. After some consideration I decided to take a stoic approach. I wait. And observe. Particularly myself, my internal sensations, feelings, emotions.
In the meantime our lovely lady was still busy. She took my very expensive juicer machine from my friend with pretence that is her and spread some more stories about me.
To conclude and make things short, in the end, no matter what she did, I had a learning experience that I will never forget.
I am tired. I will go to feed the animals and continue my story next time.
Cheers.
In a year or so I couldn't stand my job anymore. I resign. Everyone was in shock! You can not resign a very good, paid, stable government job like this. I was already been seen in the eyes of my colleagues weird but now...I was definitely crazy!
So now what? I already did some massage therapy's here and there but not enough for stable living. I knew for sure that this is what I wanna do but how to proceed? Making plans for gaining money was never my forte...
I needed some advice. So I met with my aikido master friend and asked him for help. His suggestion was that I should be fearless and go straight to the biggest thing. The health and wellness resort Life Class wich has reputation of being the best not only in my country but also in the East Europe and Mediterranean.
I was surprised to say the least but he explained to me, that he worked there before and that my knowledge is more than enough. I was skeptical but after few days of thinking decided to go for it.
To my surprise they needed more therapists badly, so after a trial I start working. Amazing!
I spend 7 years there learning every day more and more. I also start teaching one hour classes of Taiji Quan and Qi gong to clients there.
After that I opened my own business so that I can have clients in the privacy of my home.
And for the first time in my life - I have a dog! I love dogs. But my parents never allowed me to have one. The explanation was that we live in the appartment not in the house so we can not disturb other people in the facility.
But now, I live alone, make my own decisions and dog it is. I adopted 2 months old puppy from dog asylum. He was so grateful and adorable that we became best friends quickly. Ben was a mixture of Belgian and Scottish Shepherd and was a zen like dog. Quiet, peaceful and very intelligent. I didn't like the official dog training so I trained him myself. And he trained me. A beautiful time that I will always treasure. Forever.
We were able to bond so strongly that once that I was participating in native American sweat lodge and have a really bad experience ( the lodge was very small, packed with 25 people or more and was so hot that I needed my extra strength to not pass out ), I could physically feel the bump on my back ( nobody was behind me and nobody was outside the sweat lodge) and then the clear picture of my dog form in my mind that I could feel his spirit and his presence. I could immagined this of course but for me was as real as me being there in flesh and bones. And it helped! He was not in the camp because they didn't allow animals on the ceremony so I leave Ben with my trustworthy friend back at home. But somehow he must felt my discomfort in spirit and come to help. OSIT
And I still remember how I introduced element of water to him and teach him to swim. Just thinking about that brings warmth to my heart and smile on my face...
Next thing worth mentioned is that I became involved in relationship with 12 years older woman. I met her in our Tai ji class. She was looking much younger than her age but if I think about that right now, I still don't understand how we could get together.
I mean I didn't search for a partner but if I remember correctly she was in pain once and I offered her my help. After that she was all over me saying that she felt connection with me and if I am willing to be more intimate with her. As an experiment.
Strange words to start a new relationship. It should be the first red flag to me but... I was still SOOO naive and immature in love matters. I was easy prey for her.
We are being together on and off for 4 years and not all was bad. She helped me repaint my old apartment and she helped me break off my mother influence regarding sex and intimacy. And we had some good times together.
On the other side, she was very moody. Her energy can sometimes be so unpleasant, pushy, controlling and destructive that I was often confused. I could sense her angry energy miles away. I was not afraid but after a while I couldn't deal with this anymore. It was as she became another person. Today I understand but then, not so much.
So I tried to break with her, you know , being nice and polite and take her feelings and emotions in consideration but nothing helped.
She always finds the way to get to me. Usually through my biggest weakness - sex.
She could be really warm and sensitive and sexy. And with her catlike body and beautiful eyes... I was done. My brain didn't work anymore. My logic gone. I could barely remember all the tension and all the bad stuff that I experienced with her. It was crazy! What the heck is going on. I couldn't understand how can I fall for that all the time over and over again. I train martial arts for god sake! This should not suppose to happen! And here I was, totally unable to think, as if all my willpower was sucked out of me.
When I look back today I can see clearly how she played me. She was probably narcissist maybe even sociopath and I was in my new age bubble. "Don't think, just be." Yeah, right.
Anyway, after on and off for couple of years I gathered my strength, put myself together and decided that I will not fall for any manipulation again. So I prepared the ground like a warrior.
I choose the place and time where we will meet. And I was alert and observant all the time. What is going on inside me and around me.
This is probably the reason why I was able to notice and even predict all of her moves, even the subtle ones. No matter what she said or do, I didn't react impulsively but just wait and listen with only one goal in mind. To end the relationship. When she noticed that nothing worked on me any more, she agreed that we can stay friends.
Few days passed and everything was ok. And then all the hell break loose...
Remember the story of my real father? It was around the time that I was in relationship with this lady that I discovered that my stepfather is not my real father. I needed another 2 years to process that information that I was finally ready to make a contact with him.
So I make a phone call. He was of course surprise but we decided to meet in person. I remember how confused I was when we met. I didn't know how to react. Should I hug him or should we shake hands or ...what?
I instinctively tried to hug him. I could sense the stiffness in his body so I instantly backed away.
After a few moments of awkwardness we agreed to go to restaurant for lunch and talk. I find out that my mother didn't allow him to see me and that they didn't talk more than 25 years. He expressed concern that I was really his son because my mother married her brother friend that my father knew too and he was suspicious. So he asked me if I was willing to take a DNA test. I didn't have any problem with that but I already knew what the test will show.
Physically I was his carbon copy. And then the movements, walking and hands gestures when talking...it was me! Like I was looking my older self.
Lifestyle and interests, that's another story. Let's leave it for now.
The DNA test showed 99,8 % DNA compatibility. He knew now for sure. I was his son. We agreed that we will stay in contact and go forward from there. I will give you more details later on but right now I just broke up with my borderline sociopathic girlfriend so let's go from here.
After few days after my brake up, my father called me. He was very upset. My former girlfriend called him and complained about me telling my father a bunch of lies. For example that I treated her badly, exploited her sexually and take money from her when I renovated the apartment.
My father was in shock. He is a simple man, not used to that type of intimate conversation especially not with the girlfriend of his son. And he couldn't understand why she called him.
I didn't know what to say. How can you explain to someone something that even you don't understand. The only thing that I could say was that I was sorry that he was involved in all this.
But it didn't end there.
She called my mother too. With my mother was even worse because they lived near by and they see each other more often, in the grocery store while shopping or in coffee shop or post office. It was a nightmare. I didn't know how to fix all this.
And then my friends from the martial arts community began to ask me what is going on. I mean, what?
O yeah! She was busy there too telling bunch of lies and present herself as a victim. Terrific!
So this was going on for a while. I tried to think what is the best thing to do; to take some action or not. After some consideration I decided to take a stoic approach. I wait. And observe. Particularly myself, my internal sensations, feelings, emotions.
In the meantime our lovely lady was still busy. She took my very expensive juicer machine from my friend with pretence that is her and spread some more stories about me.
To conclude and make things short, in the end, no matter what she did, I had a learning experience that I will never forget.
I am tired. I will go to feed the animals and continue my story next time.
Cheers.
Last edited by a moderator:
PERLOU
The Living Force
Votre vie est un roman et vous écrivez très bien, c'est très agréable de vous lire, vous avez un talent d'écrivain...
Cependant, je suis bien désolée de toute cette expérience négative avec cette femme...
Vous savez que Tout est Leçon, n'est ce pas...
Je suis contente pour Ben, vote Chien, ils sont de l'Amour avec du poil autour...
Le fait que d'écrire cela vous fatigue montre qu'il y a encore des résidus de cette histoire qui sont encore présents et non digérés...
J'espère qu'avec votre Père, cela a pu s'arranger, il venait de vous découvrir et voilà qu'elle vous descend en beauté...
Votre Maman vous connaît donc j'ose imaginer qu'elle n'a pas apporté foi aux dire de cette vilaine femme...
Hâte de lire la suite... Prenez soin de Vous...
Your life is a novel and you write very well, it's very pleasant to read you, you have a talent as a writer...
However, I am very sorry for all this negative experience with this woman...
You know that Everything is a Lesson, don't you...
I'm happy for Ben, vote Dog, they are Love with hair around...
The fact that writing this tires you shows that there are still residues of this story that are still present and undigested...
I hope that with your Father, it was able to be arranged, he had just discovered you and here she comes down to you in beauty...
Your Mom knows you so I dare to imagine that she didn't believe the words of this naughty woman...
Can't wait to read more... Take care of yourself...
Cependant, je suis bien désolée de toute cette expérience négative avec cette femme...
Vous savez que Tout est Leçon, n'est ce pas...
Je suis contente pour Ben, vote Chien, ils sont de l'Amour avec du poil autour...
Le fait que d'écrire cela vous fatigue montre qu'il y a encore des résidus de cette histoire qui sont encore présents et non digérés...
J'espère qu'avec votre Père, cela a pu s'arranger, il venait de vous découvrir et voilà qu'elle vous descend en beauté...
Votre Maman vous connaît donc j'ose imaginer qu'elle n'a pas apporté foi aux dire de cette vilaine femme...
Hâte de lire la suite... Prenez soin de Vous...
Your life is a novel and you write very well, it's very pleasant to read you, you have a talent as a writer...
However, I am very sorry for all this negative experience with this woman...
You know that Everything is a Lesson, don't you...
I'm happy for Ben, vote Dog, they are Love with hair around...
The fact that writing this tires you shows that there are still residues of this story that are still present and undigested...
I hope that with your Father, it was able to be arranged, he had just discovered you and here she comes down to you in beauty...
Your Mom knows you so I dare to imagine that she didn't believe the words of this naughty woman...
Can't wait to read more... Take care of yourself...
emmanuel
Jedi Master
Thank you forest_light. Your insight and beautiful words of wisdom coming from your heart had strong impact on me. It touched me deeply.Hey Emmanuel,
So good to see that despite your hesitation and concerns, you have found a way to channel your 'Lionheart' and join the gathering.
Yours is a song that plays familiar chords for many, yet it is uniquely your own. Far from being boring, it's interesting and helpful for others to hear of your experiences; sometimes others have a way of saying simply what we ourselves struggle to find words for. Sometimes until someone offers their own perspective and lessons we may not even have had full awareness until that moment we (or someone we care for) may have felt something similar... or even realised we held a similar wound/emotion at all.
I know it can feel strange sharing things with others who you don't really 'know' that well, but as you have probably noticed from your time connected to the forum, there are many souls here of diverse backgrounds, experiences and awareness who will listen with respect, greatly appreciative of your honesty and integrity as you share and explore your layers of your experiences; who will offer feedback and support when/if appropriate.
None of us arrive here because we 'have it all together'; many have likely experienced what might have felt like an eternity of stumbling lost in the 'dark wilds of the world' before we discovered a secret, well hidden winding pathway whispering to us, leading us here - to what I personally visualise as a beautiful clearing, in a light filled forest. A place where we could find some quiet space to pause, collect ourselves, find our bearings, breathe and reflect. We might initially have found ourselves sitting as 'fringe dwellers' just outside some group circles, at times mesmerised by the fire at the centre burning steadily, listening to the discussions, observing, getting a better feel for the general 'vibe of the tribe' - but eventually we found the courage and inspiration to participate in discussions more actively... and also share a bit about our own experiences - just like you are doing so beautifully!
It feels like your song has been waiting to be sung for some time to those who might truly 'hear' it appreciate the 'language', the layers and changes in 'tempo' offered through your personal frequency. It's not a song you would sing to just anyone, it deserves to be truly listened to by those who recognise it. I feel our lives really are like songs - like sonic shapes from the soul - and those listening with open hearts and minds are able to know and appreciate more fully, the unique lifepath you have travelled.
It seems clear that you were always destined to be a healer, you have always been sensitive from what you have shared and your empathy for others and sense of integrity is obvious - sounds like it has only increased over the years. You have had some hard initiations and some great beauty and light in your lifepath, both offer riches that will last a lifetime; making us stronger and clearer about who we really are becoming - and how our soul leads us to greater knowledge, wisdom and insight.
Thank you for sharing with us Emmanuel.
And what a beautiful avatar name you have.
In my eyes it reflect your soul and deep connection with the spirit of the nature.Much respect.
