SunEterna
Jedi
hello!
i want to talk about something!
i feel really anxious these times!
i always think about death!
i am obsessed by death!
i feel my mortality with a big consciousness!
and this, makes me think that everything is useless!
i feel that materiality is useless!
or, more precisely, that, attachments are useless (but i have some; my life was turning around attachment).
and now, i feel that these attachtments are useless.
so, i feel empty and i only feel death!
why do i have to accomplish as i will die?
i think that the problem is that i don't feel that the society gives us the real meaning of the life.
the real meaning of life and what life is all about is the most important thing!
i talk about attachments and that i have some, so, what are my attachments?
i am obsessed with noting and keeping my ideas (what i want to do, what i have to do, my ideas about life, etc, etc).
i have a OCD (pure-o) and this obsession is the most important with the next one, which is trying to remember what i had in the mind! i am always trying to search and have all of my ideas in my mind! it became an obsession and a torture! really stressful!
i have a lot of notes and i think that, i could note be in peace, if i don't do something with them (sorting and throwing some). so, i think and feel that i could not be in peace if these parts of me still exist when i die. i mean, i think about death a lot, i feel the death and now that i will die, that it could be at any moment. and this feeling gives me the idea that i have to sort and throw some of my notes, because i don't want others to read my notes and my ideas and because these things are attachments for me, and, thinking about life, thinking about death (the two important things), and attachments are useless if we take in consideration the real meaning of life, as we will not stay here, so, these notes and all of these papers are not mine!
so, the real problem, i mean, to be more pragmatical, i would say that i don't know what to do with my ideas and my notes. i mean, in life, how to have the balance between the fact that we are living and that we have to produce things, like notes etc, to progress in our life, and how to get the balance between this thing and the fact that we will die and go away from here!
these parts of me are like strings attaching me and making me like a prisoner!
i want to burn everything sometimes!
i need some useful goals!
i had the same feeling 16 years ago, i wanted to go to asia and see monks!
i don't know how to balance this esoteric and exoteric feelings.
it's like i should be a monk (not for nothing or just "like that", i want something useful).
but, i sometimes like to make love also. i like to see feminine curves, even if i have the feeling that it is a little useless.
i don't say that i am perfect, i just say that these ideas really torture me and i don't know what to do (exactly the same feeling i had 16 years ago ; i am 33 years old). it's a living nightmare, a maze, this reality is a maze, i don't have oxygen and nothing can give me oxygen!
i have the feeling that we all are trying to reassure ourselves with illusions toward death!
i really want to cry because this obsess me. all of the humans are my brothers and sisters!
where are we going to? i can not understand this materialistic and egocentric system that we all buy everyday! why do they sell us this thing?
what is our goal? what do we have to do in this life? why?
until when? for what?
i feel like a robot with programs... that's torture! i don't know what is my place here! i will die, so, what should i do? our time is counted!
what should be my goal if we take in consideration, all of i said!
sorry for my lack of effort to have make my sentences sounds perfectly english sometimes, but, i am tired!
i maybe had some accumulated stress and... well, i don't know...
peace!
i want to talk about something!
i feel really anxious these times!
i always think about death!
i am obsessed by death!
i feel my mortality with a big consciousness!
and this, makes me think that everything is useless!
i feel that materiality is useless!
or, more precisely, that, attachments are useless (but i have some; my life was turning around attachment).
and now, i feel that these attachtments are useless.
so, i feel empty and i only feel death!
why do i have to accomplish as i will die?
i think that the problem is that i don't feel that the society gives us the real meaning of the life.
the real meaning of life and what life is all about is the most important thing!
i talk about attachments and that i have some, so, what are my attachments?
i am obsessed with noting and keeping my ideas (what i want to do, what i have to do, my ideas about life, etc, etc).
i have a OCD (pure-o) and this obsession is the most important with the next one, which is trying to remember what i had in the mind! i am always trying to search and have all of my ideas in my mind! it became an obsession and a torture! really stressful!
i have a lot of notes and i think that, i could note be in peace, if i don't do something with them (sorting and throwing some). so, i think and feel that i could not be in peace if these parts of me still exist when i die. i mean, i think about death a lot, i feel the death and now that i will die, that it could be at any moment. and this feeling gives me the idea that i have to sort and throw some of my notes, because i don't want others to read my notes and my ideas and because these things are attachments for me, and, thinking about life, thinking about death (the two important things), and attachments are useless if we take in consideration the real meaning of life, as we will not stay here, so, these notes and all of these papers are not mine!
so, the real problem, i mean, to be more pragmatical, i would say that i don't know what to do with my ideas and my notes. i mean, in life, how to have the balance between the fact that we are living and that we have to produce things, like notes etc, to progress in our life, and how to get the balance between this thing and the fact that we will die and go away from here!
these parts of me are like strings attaching me and making me like a prisoner!
i want to burn everything sometimes!
i need some useful goals!
i had the same feeling 16 years ago, i wanted to go to asia and see monks!
i don't know how to balance this esoteric and exoteric feelings.
it's like i should be a monk (not for nothing or just "like that", i want something useful).
but, i sometimes like to make love also. i like to see feminine curves, even if i have the feeling that it is a little useless.
i don't say that i am perfect, i just say that these ideas really torture me and i don't know what to do (exactly the same feeling i had 16 years ago ; i am 33 years old). it's a living nightmare, a maze, this reality is a maze, i don't have oxygen and nothing can give me oxygen!
i have the feeling that we all are trying to reassure ourselves with illusions toward death!
i really want to cry because this obsess me. all of the humans are my brothers and sisters!
where are we going to? i can not understand this materialistic and egocentric system that we all buy everyday! why do they sell us this thing?
what is our goal? what do we have to do in this life? why?
until when? for what?
i feel like a robot with programs... that's torture! i don't know what is my place here! i will die, so, what should i do? our time is counted!
what should be my goal if we take in consideration, all of i said!
sorry for my lack of effort to have make my sentences sounds perfectly english sometimes, but, i am tired!
i maybe had some accumulated stress and... well, i don't know...
peace!