So, here is a continuation of my own struggle. Trying to define the goals of my life, and working on accomplishing these goals.
June 2, 1967
One year of my work comes to an end. A year of working in the profession that I have chosen. A year and half after the diploma.
[Note: I received master degree in physics in February 1966. After 6 months of teaching mathematics for undergraduates I started my PhD studies in theoretical physics in Wroclaw, Poland.]
And nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was learning all kind of things. Perhaps I have learned them. But so what? Years are passing. There is already quite a number of them. It is time to start. It is time to abandon the known and to enter the unknown. It is difficult. I can't make a decision. But I need to. If only to test my abilities. And to move like a hurricane. To move into the distance. It is time to be busy with physics. To start thinking by myself. Return to philosophy. I am orienting myself in mathematics pretty well. It is time to start to dream. To create my own conceptions. My own vision of the world. To try to understand the meaning of it all. And to get somewhere.
June 28, 1967
So I am a physicist. Somewhat sad, but somewhat cheerful. I am a physicist. I have learned during this year many things. But I have also unlearned one thing - I have unlearned how to think. I need to learn it again.
July 1, 1967
... It is true that I gained a lot coming to Wroclaw. But I also lost a lot. There is nobody here with whom I could share the essential ideas. There is no one who would have a desire to think (that is to understand). So that, after all, I am alone. Much alone. Sad, but it has also a positive side. I will have to learn to be self-dependent.
July 2, 1967
To learn how to think. This is my goal for the immediate future.[...] True thinking has some qualities of mystic experiences. And I want to learn it.
August 4, 1967
The goal, right now, is clear. To learn how to think. [...] The first exercise is clear. It happens, once in a while, that I am thinking, that I am pondering upon something. There are such moments. I am letting them go away too soon. It is necessary to suck each thought to the end, until the sensation of purity appears, even until a surfeit. If it is possible to think about something for one second, it is necessary to think about it for one minute.
August 13, 1967
[...] There is a danger. One has to beware of it. The danger of a happy life. I need to always keep my goal in sight. And to to take means for the goal.
September 26, 1967
[...] It comes the time for work. Work deserves an epos. Work is the goal of an individual human being. Work for the good of humanity. Work as a goal, not as a means. For instance to acquire wealth. If to acquire wealth, then only in order to be able to work better.
January 1, 1968
I am looking back and ... all this is strange. I wrote "move like a hurricane ... outdistance others". But a one more year of a real work is still needed in order to become somebody. Not just an unknown with possible prospects. Two more years to work on my dissertation. If all will go right. But what to do to assure that all goes right?
I may enter a dangerous path. An enticing one. I may become somebody, and stop at it. But that is not what I want. The point is not to just get the PhD. That is just a milestone. It is a measure of the path behind. Work on the PhD is certainly a useful thing. That is probably the only method, the only point of departure. But only the point of the departure. After my PhD I will be able to look around. To see what to do next. And I know what really is worth of doing next. I want antigravity. That is what I want. That is my goal. I will be back to it. Right now I am being acquainted with physics. I am learning it the best way I can. Perhaps I am still working not hard enough. Perhaps I am wasting too much time. Unfortunately there is no one around to ask. No one will give me an advice. I am responsible for myself and for the fate of all humanity.
[Note: On October 14, 1968 I finished and sent for publication my first scientific paper:
http://projecteuclid.org/DPubS?service=UI&version=1.0&verb=Display&handle=euclid.cmp/1103841309&abstract=
and on January 6, 1969 the second one:
http://projecteuclid.org/DPubS?service=UI&version=1.0&verb=Display&handle=euclid.cmp/1103841537&abstract=
these two papers were the basis of my PhD dissertation that I defended on January 30, 1970. The main references in these two papers were to the works of accomplished scientists: Haag, Kastler, Araki, Reeh, Doplicher. At that time I would never suspect that all of them will become, in the future, my friends. That I will be invited to their houses, know their families, in Hamburg, Marseille, Kyoto, Goettingen and Rome.]
November 3, 1969
That was a long time. [...] It is not easy to be a physicist. And now ... I need to plan. So I am starting the struggle with myself. First of all I need to pass the exam in philosophy. And I am setting myself the goal: to finish my PhD before December.
January 11, 1970
On Wednesday is my last exam. The last exam before my public defense. After that I will have to start thinking about the habilitation [Note: Higher PhD degree]. But first I need to pass this exam.
March 4, 1970
[Note: Letter to D. Kastler:
July 20, 1970 Again almost a year passed. Time is passing faster and faster. But one must not be in a hurry. It is necessary to to do every thing well, the best possible way, as if the fate of the whole universe depended on it.
[Note: On invitation of prof. Daniel Kastler I spent at CNRS, Marseille three months October-December 1970.
I gave a series of seminars there. The results of my research during this time have been published in a paper
"Geometry of Indefinite Metric Spaces" - http://arkadiusz-jadczyk.org/papers/jad72a.pdf ]
February 2, 1971
Just three years ago I had nothing. I was nobody. The only things that I had were wishes. Today I have five publications. Three of them has already been published. That means I am starting. But does it mean anything beyond that? Can one call it a storm? Is there any pattern in these publications? Are they getting better and better? Do they mean more and more for physics? I don't think so, and that is the main problem. After these few publications there is time for something really revealing. To discover something new. It is time to become memorable. [...]
[Note: Thinking about the goals of my life while at the conference "Mathematics of Contemporary Physics", London, August 23--September 11, 1971
March 10, 1974
How many years have passed? Doesn't matter. The years don't count. What counts are wishes, desires. What a stupid statement! As long as one has the wish, as long as one desires, as long as one has faith - so long ....
I can't today find the answer for "what is my goal?" I am not ready for such an answer. There is however, in my dreams, this possibility: I know that clarity of thinking is my goal. I know that peace - certainly. A blue sky and a peace. And contemplation of this world. But not only that. Also acting. Acting with knowledge and without a hurry.
It is not good to work without windows. It is not good to breath a musty air. Is return possible? Oh, sure. Not only possible but it is happening now. I can see it this very minute. I am starting to act consciously. To act consciously, to direct consciously each of my days, each of my minutes, each of my seconds, each cycle of the theta rhythm. Preludium. The preludium of life.
June 8, 1974
Seven years of work. 13 years with physics. And I am turning round and round.[...] I can see the goal of my life rather clearly. All my life is turning around it. Now I am working on it as intensely as I can. It's the highest time. The time is ripe. But what are my chances?[...] I must not slow down. I must not give up. But at the same time I must not be shallow.[...] It is not moving that fast as I would wish. But it is moving.
June 16, 1974
In a sense what I am doing is a pure madness. I am doing it too fast, without understanding[...]
June 22, 1974
I notice that my productivity is decreasing. My interest in the subject is not as strong as it should be.[...]
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When and how did I come across the 4th Way? This will come in the next part.
To be continued.
