[quote author=landoverbaptist.org/beliefs.html]
Who We Are and What We (And God) Believe
Our Policy Against The Unsaved is Based on Scripture!
As most churches liberalize or modernicate themselves they in turn reject the commandments written by God in the Holy Bible. The Landover Baptist Church continues to do exactly what scripture teaches every Christian to do. And that is to keep the temple of the living God a clean vessel, untarnished by even a hint of fellowship with the unrighteous!
"Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son. If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed: For he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds."
~ 2 John 1:9-11
"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you."
~ 2 Corinthians 6:14-17
We pray that God sends his Holy Spirit upon this Christian Nation and opens up the hearts of other Bible believing Christians so that they will adopt the same Bible-based policy that has kept our church strong for nearly 217 Godly years. For a list of common-sense reasons for keeping unsaved people out of your church click here.
About Us (God's Favorite Church):
We are a Bible believing, Fundamentalist, Independent Baptist Church. We are 157,286 members strong. Our Church Campus is located in Freehold, Iowa and rests on 35 acres of some of the most beautiful country you'd ever care to set your eyes upon. Our church holds 28 paid pastors, 131 paid deacons, 412 full time staff members, LCA (Landover Christian Academy), LCU (Landover Christian University), 11 fully equipped chapels, Four 2,000 seat sanctuaries, Three 5,000 seat main sanctuaries, the world's largest Christian Mall, a Christian Amusement Park (Landover Bible Theme Park and Red Sea World), A PGA 18 Hole Golf Course, 3 Fitness Centers, 4 Olympic sized swimming pools, Landover Village, Landover Towers, Landover Retirement Community, Center For 2 Churches On Every City Block Foundation, Leviticus Landing (An Exclusive Gated Executive Christian Community for Platinum Tithers™), Exodus Acres (Gold Tithers' Gated Community), *27 Developments, Landover All Purpose Multi-Temple, Spa and Resort Center, Fire Department, 100,000 seat amphitheater, 12 Television studios, 2 radio stations, A Christian Circus Camp, Retreat Center for Republican Candidates, 3 Corporate Christian Office Parks, hot springs, 8 cemeteries, and 243 fully certified Christian police officers.
A Godly Warning:
We Believe in the WHOLE Bible (1611 KJV). We don't throw out the parts that make us feel uncomfortable, like the book of Leviticus. We bid you greetings, friend. We do not read, eat, consume, digest, or 'try on' any product that is not made and manufactured by born-again, Bible believing, Fundamentalist Baptist Christians, and we would have you know that we condemn anyone that does, and pray as King David did, 'against them' for a quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where they can spend out all eternity honoring our Lord and Maker in a literal lake of fire, Amen. Please find our site a blessing.!
Christianly Attire:
Click Here For an Invaluable True Christian™ Resource on Proper Womenly Attire
We believe that when a person first gets saved, the first thing they should do is buy a suit and a tie. If the individual is a female, then a dress not raised over an inch above the knee is acceptable. Clothing is perhaps the most important thing about being a Christian. If one is not properly clothed and fully representative of what God would want them to appear like... well then, that person is probably not saved. Our motto is "get saved, get to a Christian Clothing store, and get fitted for the kingdom." A man should dress and act like a man, and a woman should dress and act like a submissive female helpmate. That about sums it up. Anyone who does not conform to the dress code at Landover Baptist will be fined no less than $300.00 a violation. It is a privilege to be a Christian and we believe that it is about time folks started acting like it!
Goodness Gracious! Who Is In Charge of this Godly Baptist Church?
All authority at Landover Baptist (and surrounding properties) is granted to Pastor Deacon Fred Smith. This is in full accordance with Romans 13. If you are not familiar with Romans 13, well then we suggest you read it. A good ten or twelve readings of Leviticus wouldn't hurt either. Our pastor sometimes uses his godly authority to invoke the Lord's Law from the Bible in Leviticus. This is sometimes too much for some folks. If they refuse punishment, then they have the option of paying a $500.00 fine plus expenses accrued by the planning committee of Levitical Law Implementation. If you haven't cracked a Bible in a few years... then Landover is not for you.
Baptist Behavior 101 and Fines for Misconduct:
The following violations will result in a monetary fine of no less than $200.00 as to be determined by Church Pastors and Elders: Failure to show up at church on time, Failure to attend a church service without written permission from a pastor or other agreed upon authority, Church parking lot violations, Single males or females caught in the houses of members of the opposite sex without proper supervision, out after curfew, failure to tithe, failure to perform Christian Service obligations, Use of a church key without proper permission, Sleeping and/or horseplay during church services, reading of 'crime oriented' comic books, possession of alcohol outside of Post Communion Party regulations, idol worship, inappropriate dress in town or in church, dress related to 'counter-culture' movement, beards are not allowed except with special permission from Pastor Smith himself, long earrings on women, use of tampons is strictly prohibited, men with earrings or jewelry of any kind, hugging, possession of pornographic material (except for widowed or single men over the age of 65), failure to identify oneself to a church authority, failure to answer a call slip, witchcraft, dancing and/or skipping, association with Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons, Methodists, Unitarians, Episkypols, or any other occult activity (unless under supervision by Dr. J. Edwards), failure to conform to rules and regulations, failure to submit to authority, the questioning of church authority is not tolerated and may result in dismissal, failure to bring at least one new guest to church a week, failure to win at least one soul a week, disrespect, lying, stealing, cheating, plotting, failure to have a demon-possessed infant sterilized, attendance at non-Christian owned picture houses, and rock music. General Rules are subject to change at any time without notice. Members are expected to find out what the new rules are within two hours. Let us note here, 'A Christian who is interested in doing their own thing, will not feel comfortable at Landover.. we would even go as far to question whether or not that individual is a Christian to begin with.
Visiting Landover Baptist
You will want to make your reservations 2 years in advance for any service where head Pastor, Deacon Fred is preaching. (Please be patient, we are booked solid) Cost is $75.00 per person. Other services and guided tours can be arranged by calling the Landover Information line at: 1-900-976-7867. Reservations for church attendance and payments to hear the gospel of Christ can be arranged through a Christian extension of Priceline.com ticket sales (keyword: priceline.com - landover baptist church ticket sales)
*Affordable housing opportunities available for so-called "minorities" within 100 miles of church campus.
Please note - If you do not have the same beliefs as we do, you are going to burn in Hell forever. [/quote]
[quote author=landoverbaptist.org/news1105/firstterrorists.html]
American Injuns: The First Terrorists
Thanksgiving: Honoring Our First Fallen
Long before America was attacked by Muslamiacs on September 11, 2001, Baptists recall a time when our dear, Godly ancestors also endured brutal slaughter by terrorist vermin on this very same land. You see, when God sent his followers to claim America as the new Canaan, He neglected to mention it would be filled with millions of lazy Injuns. These savage "squatters," as we've come to call them here at Landover Baptist Church, then had the unmitigated audacity to defy the kindly eviction notices served upon them by God's lily-white chosen people. Instead, they terrorized our peaceful ancestors, raping their livestock (including our chickens!) and engaging in nefarious espionage to steal the smallpox virus for their own selfish purposes.
Nevertheless, our Christian ancestors persevered. And it is for this reason that each November we observe “Thanksgiving” - as a time to “thank” God for “giving” America to people who deserved it much more than the first terrorists: the Injuns.
Injuns and Arabs: Comparing the Roots of Terror
One doesn't have to look too hard to see how similar the indigenous terrorists our American ancestors righteously exterminated are to the foul Arabiac terrorists our Christian nation is eliminating today. Both are dark complected – one red-butted, one negro-lite - and both are cursed with jet black hair. Both terrorists are nomadic in nature, and prefer fighting in sweltering, arid places – clear evidence of their alliance with demons, who are accustomed to the heat of hellfire. Both are tent dwellers (one prefers a tee-pee made of deer skin and human scalps, the other a lean-too made of shaved human groin hair and goat feces. Both terrorists are uneducated, uncivilized, and speak in elaborate gibberish languages. Both resent the progress God's chosen people (True Christians™) have made in the world, and direct their jealous hatred toward the one True Religion™, Christianity. Both types of terrorists dress in rags and conceal their filthy hair beneath elaborate terrorist doo-rags: Injuns make theirs with feathers, while Muslims spin toilet paper cocoons called “turbans”). Both rejoice in the slaughter of American citizens.
An End to the First War on Terror
Whether it was with bottoms full of buckshot or bottles drained of booze, the debate still rages as to how our ancestors defeated these first Injun terrorists. We can only thank God that they were defeated, and America is a better country because of it. It should harden our resolve in our faith that our Godly President Bush can and WILL defeat the terrorists of today! Landover Baptist Church members are reminded during this time of Thanksgiving that while the cease-fire with Injuns is still technically in effect, that is no reason to EVER forego the offerings of our Godly Bingo parlors in favor of any sickening, sinful Injun casino.
Our pastors encourage you to use this Christian holiday time to be thankful for the blood-soaked efforts our forefathers made on your behalf in fighting America's first terrorists so that you can pass a lovely Thanksgiving afternoon with your family, enjoying the pleasures of Butterball turkeys and televised professional football.
For more information on Landover Baptist's ongoing struggle with local Injuns in Freehold County, Iowa, click here.[/quote]
[quote author=landoverbaptist.org/news0201/sbs.html]
Hollywood Theater Tricks Christian Audiences into Becoming Homosexuals
True Christians™ have been sounding the warning call on the Hollywood liberal elite agenda for years now. After decades of True Christians™ selflessly witnessing and giving Hollywood Jews and Homosexuals an opportunity to be just like us, they have willfully continued to live their lives the way *they* want to live them. This demonic disregard for how True Christians™ insist they act has caused them to litter their short-cut to Hell with celluloid reels so filled with pornographic poison that they might as well be strips of Satan's human fly-paper dangling before innocent children.
The latest atrocity from Southern California's festering sore on humanity's eyelid is a theatrical production called "Southern Baptist Sissies," This disgusting film is a stab in the heart of morality, our once-great nation, and indeed the Baptist faith – and thereby Christ Himself! This so-called "play" is actually a brazen form of indoctrination. Innocents are lured in, expecting to see a revival service complete with True Christian™ ex-gays who offer the requisite tell-all of the evil, perverted acts all homosexuals do every single day before they die at the age 32. But by the time they leave the theater, most, if not all, patrons find that they have been tricked into embracing the homosexual lifestyle somewhere between the second and third acts.
In order to prevent the spread of this vile atrocity and contain it to the already damned-to-hell country of California, Landover Baptist recently sent a team of True Christians™ to shut down this ungodly act of anti-Christian persecution.
Reverend E. Dwayne Looper, his lovely True Christian™ wife Luanne and Brother Paul Johnson, an Aluminum Level tither, went straight into the lion's den, risking their very lives to defend Jesus and tell the truth about this sinful so-called "play."
"We're here to bring Hollywood back to Jesus," Reverend Looper shouted to a crowd of unrepentant sodomites, "and neither we nor George W. Bush will be satisfied until this entire nation is on its knees!"
The trio marched in almost completely nonviolent protest, blocking the theater entrance and warning unsuspecting customers of the danger facing their souls if they allowed themselves to see this production. The Holy Spirit was with them, folks! And He led many True Christians™ to do things in His name that the secular, liberal, godless California police were unable to understand. But Jesus told us we would be misunderstood by the unsaved.
"The whole purpose of this vile play is to get new recruits to this horrible lifestyle. Homosexuals are persecuting Christians all over the world," Sister Looper said, as she bravely marched, spreading the love of Jesus. "We've had enough!" she screamed at television cameras, shaking her fists in righteousness.
A direct plea for one of the actors to turn to Jesus and give up his lifestyle choice fell on deaf ears.
A brief scuffle occurred when the director of the "play," a homosexual named Del Shores, and producer Sharyn Lane (an admitted unsaved Jew), confronted the True Christian™ protestors. "Jesus is on OUR side! Please listen to Jesus and shut this mockery of the one True Faith down," Brother Johnson pleaded. "As soon as I mentioned Jesus, the Jewish woman flinched, like she had a demon in her," he later told church members, "but the homosexual just laughed. We'll see how much they laugh in Hell! And we'll see who really does the laughing, especially when I'm looking down at them from Heaven and watching them beg for a sip of my ice-cold Pepsi, which I will hold just out of reach."
"The liberal media--they'll probably just ignore our protest completely," Rev. Looper said, "but just let John Ashcroft or Bob Jones or any other True Christian speak their mind on how slavery is supported by the Holy Bible and the liberals swoop in and make a fuss about it. After eight long years, we are finally about to get a True Christian in the White House, praise God, and he will set this country back to where it used to be, a Christian nation, just like it was on the old Andy Griffith show. You didn't see any homosexuals on that show, because they didn't even exist until that liberal Kennedy stole the election in 1960."
Mrs. Looper voiced an appeal that will soon echo all across the nation: "Mr. Bush, I implore you! Stop this madness!"[/quote]
[quote author=landoverbaptist.org/news0303/spanking.html]
Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child
"Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Proverbs 20:30
From the Landover Baptist Department of Creation Science
1. To begin with, a Christian parent must understand that a child will never learn a lesson unless they are beaten on their naked bottoms until the imprint of the rugged cross is plainly visible on both cheeks. (Proverbs 23:13-14) A clothed bottom is less humiliating and less painful for the wicked child. In fact, the child may feel no pain at all if they are cunning enough to sin while wearing heavy jeans or khaki pants. A youngster who can sit comfortably after a Godly beating will think they have outsmarted you and tend to repeat their misdeed and feel a license to move on to more hardcore sins, like rape and blasphemy. If a child is able to sit down within three days without ointment or a bag of frozen vegetables after their punishment, you have failed as a Christian parent. A good spanking should be traumatic and something the child will remember well into adulthood.
2. Use a heavy object, a ruler is too light, a belt-buckle may cause bleeding and suspicion from liberal democrat schoolteachers if you are careless enough to allow your child to attend a public school. We suggest a heavy King James 1611 authentic cowhide leather bound Bible.
3. Find a comfortable place to sit and ask your child to come over and have a seat on your lap. Act as if there is nothing amiss. We suggest that you smile or wink at your child. If it is your daughter, say "Come on over here and sit on daddy's lap, sweet heart. I want to talk to my little angel for a minute." If it is your son, we suggest you say, "Hey there, sonny - how's Dad's little quarterback? Come on over here and sit on my lap for a minute and let's talk about Jesus."
4. As soon as you have the child on your lap, clench his hands so that he cannot move. Immediately flip the child over so that his stomach is across your knees. If the child struggles, give him a good whack across the back of his head and tell him to shut up. Whisper in his ear, "You're going to get a whole lot worse from Jesus, you rebellious, hateful, little sissy!"
5. This is the point where the child may act like a little demon and start screaming. Be prepared for this wicked outburst. Have an athletic sock in your back pocket and cram it into the child's mouth. Stuff it back until you get to the stripes at the top of the socks. Don't worry: if the child is smart enough to remember to breath through their nose, they won't suffocate.
6. Ready your Bible, and lift it high above your head with one hand. Keep the child secure with your free hand. Landover Baptist Creation Scientists agree that the most effective way of securing the child for beating is to clench the back of his neck like a turkey. If they are still struggling, we suggest you raise your voice and say something like, "I'll give you something to squirm over, you little devil!"
7. Pull down their pants and underwear to reveal their pink little hiney. May sure both cheeks are fully exposed.
8. To ensure that the child is aware of their misdeed, and they never forget it, it is often best to smack the child across the bottom with the Bible as you speak out their misdeed. Each word would be one healthy whack across their naked hind quarters. For example: "YOU" [WHACK!] "DIDN'T" [WHACK!] "EAT" [WHACK] "YOUR" [WHACK] "BRUSSEL" [WHACK] "SPROUTS" [WHACK!] "YOU" [WHACK!] "LITTLE" [WHACK!] "DEMON!" [WACK!] and finishing off with a lighter whack, "did" [whack!] "you?" [whack!]
9. Rebuke the child in the sweet name of Jesus, toss them aside like a used Kleenex and let them roll to the floor to contemplate their sinful nature.
10. After about an hour, when the child has calmed down, have him sit on your lap again and read him some scripture verses about Hell (We recommend, Matthew 13:41-42) from the same Bible you used to beat him with. Let the child know that the punishment he received today is nothing compared to the eternal punishment of Hell where Jesus burns and cooks all the bad little boys and girls who don't do what their daddy tells them. [/quote]
