Why are you single?

[Aiming]

Those girls can smile at you. But in reality they only smile to there own Ego. Because they just added a piece of you which they can attribute to there own self-importance - to themselves. There smile has nothing to do with you.

Bjorn is spot-on here, Menna. Have you ever thought about that?

You might have all the right 'spiritual' explanations for your work on the body, but what lies behind those to you beautifully sounding words?

When you bring to your mind again your initial motives of starting to work out at all:

I first started working out not because I was intimidated physically by bigger people but because I felt alienated from the normal social interaction, especially around girls - I wasn't confident in myself so because of that I started working out and tried to better myself physically.

Okay, we have a program there. It's probably a lack of self-worth. So you start working out. And you start feeling better. This way one could think one has tricked the program into non-existence. But in actuality, what one has done is overlaying the program with another program: I'm working out so I don't have to constantly feel the fear of being not worth/not lovable.
Because of overlaying the program of not feeling lovable, one is under the constant control of the overlaying program of working out. Now you must work out. Because you've found a method not to feel the hurtful messages of the introject. And maybe, in order not to feel slave of the new program, and when over time your interest in the spiritual began to show itself, you've created beautiful explanations for it: the spiritual, learning and growth. Thereby deluding yourself about what is actually going on.

Maybe food for thought, maybe totally off.

Hi Menna,

if my post was somehow or totally inappropriate, I want to apologize.

The thing is I have spotted such an occurence (as described above) within myself and thought that maybe it could apply in your case, too.
When I did see this mechanism in myself I was glad to be seeing it and thought that, if applicable to your case as well, it could help you, too. (But then, you've never asked for it, right?)
Maybe I should've added this explanation to it right from the start so as not to be coming across as if I knew what's up, as well as imitating the writing style of someone who has a clue.

My, I'm really confused now: is this simply my predator urging me to write this or was there really something off with my post?


edit: I think now that if something had been off with my post, someone would've told me already, right? So I guess, this was just my predator. Sorry for the disturbance.

2nd edit: replaced "distortion" with the word "disturbance" - though really, distortion [of my mind] does fit very well

 

[Menna]

"and when over time your interest in the spiritual began to show itself, you've created beautiful explanations for it: the spiritual, learning and growth. Thereby deluding yourself about what is actually going on." - Puzzle

Wow never looked at it this way...Trying to justify my workout habit and program - maybe the need for spiritual growth and learning grew on its own or from something different and I am trying to mask a negative with a positive. Could be very true

Your post wasn't inappropriate no ones post is - Constructive criticism is one of the best ways to learn either that or a kick in the ass.

On a side note I cut my finger putting the air conditioner in the other day and needed stitches - now I can't lift or hold weights for a few days - could be life telling me to stop obsessing.

and Bellbaste - thanks for your post I can relate - trying to overcome a programing without solving the problem and replacing it with materialistic objects. Its tough to try and solve the original problem because you don't know the right way to go about it and you don't wan't to give up what you have worked for even though it isn't the right work it still required time and effort.

- Just realized this last sentence is BS and is another way of justifying ones program and habits -

 

[Aiming]

Thanks for the reality check, Menna.

I guess when you guys have trouble spotting something within you while writing on the forum, you don't post it here but are trying to find out yourselves so as not to add inappropriate noise to the forum, as in external consideration.

Seeing myself within this narcissistic bubble box and my interaction with life, I see such a great chasm between my aims and my current state, which is extremely troubling and mechanically fuels up already existing great insecurites. Add in self-importance, internal considering and the hungry predator striking out when self-importance isn't being fed, and voila, there we have the ever-repeating pendulum of the broken machine. Next step seems to be not to identify myself with this broken machine, but keep working on repairing it. That's, roughly speaking, where I'm coming from. Osit.

 

[Nathancat7]

Menna said
and Bellbaste - thanks for your post I can relate - trying to overcome a programing without solving the problem and replacing it with materialistic objects. Its tough to try and solve the original problem because you don't know the right way to go about it and you don't wan't to give up what you have worked for even though it isn't the right work it still required time and effort.

If you mean the original problem is buying into the original memes and programming regarding physical appearance defining freedom and self-worth, then I don't think that you're last sentence is bs.

 

[Menna]

Its tough to try and solve the original problem because you don't know the right way to go about it and you don't wan't to give up what you have worked for even though it isn't the right work it still required time and effort.

This is another way to justify holding on to something that is no longer needed if one recognizes that something is wrong - that they are on the wrong path one should not make excuses to justify it - they should seek ways (Knowledge) to fix the problem and find the right path. That’s why I believe it is BS

 

[Paradigma]

According to your suggestions to read ISOTM for a deeper understanding I finally bought a copy of it and it's quite amazing how deep it gives an insight to a man's being...
I've got to admit that I'm just halfway through but reading about internal and external considering I realised a lot of that process in myself and due to my latest experiences with "falling in love" with a girl and having hardly any chance at all it gave me a hard time thinking about that topic.


[quote author=Ouspensky / Gurdjieff]"After general forms of identification attention must be given to a particular form of identifying, namely identifying with people, which takes the form of 'considering' them.
"There are several different kinds of 'considering.'
"On the most prevalent occasions a man is identified with what others think about him, how they treat him, what attitude they show towards him. He always thinks that people do not value him enough, are not sufficiently polite and courteous. All this torments him, makes him think and suspect and lose an immense amount of energy on guesswork, on suppositions, develops in him a distrustful and hostile attitude towards people. How somebody looked at him, what somebody thought of him, what somebody said of him—all this acquires for him an immense significance.

"And he 'considers' not only separate persons but society and historically constituted conditions. Everything that displeases such a man seems to him to be unjust, illegal, wrong, and illogical. And the point of departure for his judgment is always that these things can and should be changed. 'Injustice' is one of the words in which very often considering hides itself. When a man has convinced himself that he is indignant with some injustice, then for him to stop considering would mean 'reconciling himself to injustice.

"There are people who are able to consider not only injustice or the failure of others to value them enough but who are able to consider for example the weather. This seems ridiculous but it is a fact. People are able to consider climate, heat, cold, snow, rain; they can be irritated by the weather, be indignant and angry with it. A man can take everything in such a personal way as though everything in the world had been specially arranged in order to give him pleasure or on the contrary to cause him inconvenience or unpleasantness.

"All this and much else besides is merely a form of identification. Such considering is wholly based upon 'requirements.' A man inwardly 're-quires' that everyone should see what a remarkable man he is and that they should constantly give expression to their respect, esteem, and admiration for him, for his intellect, his beauty, his cleverness, his wit, his presence of mind, his originality, and all his other qualities. Requirements in their turn are based on a completely fantastic notion about themselves such as very often occurs with people of very modest appearance. Various writers, actors, musicians, artists, and politicians, for instance, are almost without exception sick people. And what are they suffering from? First of all from an extraordinary' opinion of themselves, then from requirements, and then from considering, that is, being ready and prepared beforehand to take offense at lack of understanding and lack of appreciation.

"There is still another form of considering which can take a great deal of energy from a man. This form starts with a man beginning to think that he is not considering another person enough, that this other person is offended with him for not considering him sufficiently. And he begins to think himself that perhaps he does not think enough about this other, does not pay him enough attention, does not give way to him enough. All this is simply weakness. People are afraid of one another. But this can lead very far. I have seen many such cases. In this way a man can finally lose his balance, if at any time he had any, and begin to perform entirely senseless actions. He gets angry with himself and feels that it is stupid, and he cannot stop, whereas in such cases the whole point is precisely 'not to consider.'

"It is the same case, only perhaps worse, when a man considers that in his opinion he 'ought' to do something when as a matter of fact he ought not to do so at all. 'Ought' and 'ought not' is also a difficult subject, that is, difficult to understand when a man really 'ought' and when he 'ought not.' This can be approached only from the point of view of 'aim.' When a man has an aim he 'ought' to do only what leads towards his aim and he 'ought not' to do anything that hinders him from going towards his aim.

"As I have already said, people very often think that if they begin to struggle with considering within themselves it will make them 'insincere' and they are afraid of this because they think that in this event they will be losing something, losing a part of themselves. In this case the same thing takes place as in attempts to struggle against the outward expression of unpleasant emotions. The sole difference is that in one case a man struggles with the outward expression of emotions and in the other case with an inner manifestation of perhaps the same emotions.

"This fear of losing sincerity is of course self-deception, one of those formulas of lying upon which human weaknesses are based. Man cannot help identifying and considering inwardly and he cannot help expressing his unpleasant emotions, simply because he is weak. Identifying, considering, the expressing of unpleasant emotions, are manifestations of his weakness, his impotence, his inability to control himself. But not wishing to acknowledge this weakness to himself, he calls it 'sincerity' or 'honesty' and he tells himself that he does not want to struggle against sincerity, whereas in fact he is unable to struggle against his weaknesses.

"Sincerity and honesty are in reality something quite different. What a man calls 'sincerity' in this case is in reality simply being unwilling to restrain himself. And deep down inside him a man is aware of this. But he lies to himself when he says that he does not want to lose sincerity.



"So far I have spoken of internal considering. It would be possible to bring forward many more examples. But you must do this yourselves, that is, you must seek these examples in your observations of yourselves and of others.

"The opposite of internal considering and what is in part a means of fighting against it is external considering. External considering is based upon an entirely different relationship towards people than internal considering. It is adaptation towards people, to their understanding, to their requirements. By considering externally a man does that which makes life easy for other people and for himself. External considering requires a knowledge of men, an understanding of their tastes, habits, and prejudices. At the same time external considering requires a great power over oneself, a great control over oneself. Very often a man desires sincerely to express or somehow or other show to another man what he really thinks of him or feels about him. And if he is a weak man he will of course give way to this desire and afterwards justify himself and say that he did not want to lie, did not want to pretend, he wanted to be sincere. Then he convinces himself that it was the other man's fault. He really wanted to consider him, even to give way to him, not to quarrel, and so on. But the other man did not at all want to consider him so that nothing could be done with him. It very often happens that a man begins with a blessing and ends with a curse. He begins by deciding not to consider and afterwards blames other people for not considering him. This is an example of how external considering passes into internal considering. But if a man really remembers himself he understands that another man is a machine just as he is himself. And then he will enter into his position, he will put himself in his place, and he will be really able to understand and feel what another man thinks and feels. If he can do this his work becomes easier for him. But if he approaches a man with his own requirements nothing except new internal considering can ever be obtained from it.

"Right external considering is very important in the work. It often happens that people who understand very well the necessity of external considering in life do not understand the necessity of external considering in the work; they decide that just because they are in the work they have the right not to consider. Whereas in reality, in the work, that is, for a man's own successful work, ten times more external considering is necessary than in life, because only external considering on his part shows his valuation of the work and his understanding of the work; and success in the work is always proportional to the valuation and understanding of it. Remember that work cannot begin and cannot proceed on a level lower than that of the obyvatel, that is, on a level lower than ordinary life. This is a very important principle which, for some reason or other, is very easily forgotten. But we will speak about this separately afterwards."[/quote]


I think my problem starts with this thought "I have to have a girlfriend". Nearly all of my friends are in relationships and with that this subtle feeling comes up that I should be too.
Well and then it starts I wonder what do women think about me? Do they like me? Does this particular girl like me? Why didn't she respond to my eye contact? Did I do something wrong? Am I not manly enough? Am I not funny enough? What's wrong with her?
Well all sort of internal considering starts and with that I can sometimes feel losing my energy and I recognize I think to much... But I can't help, it's always starting from it's own and I become frustrated because it's always the same.
I think I understand the mechanism behind my failures with women. People tend to look for other people with much energy and if I worry about so many things I loose most of my energy and this can be seen in my movements, my habbits, my way of speeking and thinking etc. Propably others can feel that I want their energy...
It's apparently the predator mind that drives me and wants me to have a relationship. Well not a succesfull predator but better that way than breaking other people hearts. That way it tends to be become self-destructive.

Hmmm, this is really strange but I do pretty hard to write down my thoughts because I have this strong impression they are nonsense. It's like at least two persons are in me. One who has a problem with "getting" a girlfriend and the other doesn't bother at all...

 

[Faith]

Hmmm, this is really strange but I do pretty hard to write down my thoughts because I have this strong impression they are nonsense. It's like at least two persons are in me. One who has a problem with "getting" a girlfriend and the other doesn't bother at all...

I sympathize with you. What you have written sums it up. This is how I feel, felt... I'd like to... ok, sometimes I still feel that way :P You see? It depends on which one is dominating right now. How I understand it, the one that feels the need of 'getting' a girlfriend, is the false personality: You are driven to fit the automatic, social pattern, the 'outer' expectations, that actually have become your expectations, the pressure you make. So it's not about a girl in particular with heart and soul, it's about 'getting' some girl, that 'is seen' as a good match, that shows everyone how valuable YOU are -- otherwise you think, that something is wrong with you (because they seem to make you think, that you are wrong). On the other hand the 'real self' seeks out for true intimacy, true feelings, that go deeper: external considering -- you really want to feel the other one, which leads you to much more than a temporary, superficial one-night-stand. The real self needs time to evolve -- you need time to recognize it. You are late, yes, but it's worth it, I think. In the end it's so much more. Internal Considering never -- External Considering ever. Think about it. If you really are consistent with yourself, you are able to really feel the other one. But this time it would not be another reflection of yourself. It really would be her

At least it describes myself. Please correct me if I am wrong. The others can explain it better. Wait for the others to reply! Basically I want to express, that I sympathize with you. All my past relationships to a woman were just a temporarily liaison with one of my narcissistic mirrors :)



Thank you, Paradigma, for you participation! Your thoughts really helped me seeing things!



EDIT: I modified my post, clarified it, added some sentences

 

[anart]

Well and then it starts I wonder what do women think about me? Do they like me? Does this particular girl like me? Why didn't she respond to my eye contact? Did I do something wrong? Am I not manly enough? Am I not funny enough? What's wrong with her?
I think I understand the mechanism behind my failures with women.

Perhaps it comes down to the whole basic idea that is illustrated in using the word 'women'. I've noticed most of the posts in this thread mention, in one way or another, the idea that 'women don't like me' or 'I'm not confident with women' - why is it plural? Why is it 'women' in general? Not only is saying 'women' basically objectifying, as if all women just like one type of person, as if all women are the same - but, it seems to me that anyone, male or female, is likely looking for 'one'. One women, one man, who 'matches' them - who is like them and on the same path and interested in the same things and who will enjoy sharing a life working toward the same goal. It strikes me that when people generalize this idea into 'women' (or men) that they then exchange their own individual tastes/interests/path/goals for general society's 'tastes/interests/path/goals' and that's when it all goes wrong.

In this 'exchanging' one loses their own qualities and goes chasing after qualities that society says are important to 'attract women' - instead of focusing on who they are (finding out who they are!) and doing what they love and what is in them to do, where they will find a woman (or man) who is doing the same and they recognize each other.

It seems to come down to the whole societal premise to 'love the one you're with' - instead of being who you are in order to allow the one you love to find and recognize you.

If you don't know yourself, how can you even recognize the one you love?

Long story short - chasing after 'women' - through the societal lens of what attracts 'women' is setting oneself up for failure, since until you Know who you are, you won't know who you love - and if you focus on what is in you to do, what is in front of you to do right now, then you'll likely not have time to worry about finding love anyway, and it will find you. fwiw.

 

[Buddy]

I'm basically saying the same thing as anart, but here's the way I understand it within myself:

The emotional consequences of living with a trust in the Work can come to mean more to a person than the 'success' at the end of some 'chase'.

Allow yourself to let go of the past and the imaginary future and just focus on the present. Whether you are washing the dishes or writing a grant proposal for a major organization, you can be using various cognitive sets that either create anxiety about future outcomes, or keep you grounded in the process itself (the present moment) and its intrinsic meaning and joy of learning and doing.

If a focus on the outcome and the external aspects of an activity are conducive to anxiety and depression, then the objective quality of the activity, whether washing dishes or writing grant proposals, will likely be lowered, given what we know about the adverse effects of negative emotion on performance. So seeking the outward, or external outcome makes the failure to achieve that outcome more likely.

A focus on the process and intrinsic qualities of an activity reduces the likelihood of stress, anxiety and depression (thus eliminating their negative impact on performance), increases the presence of joy during the process, and thus increases the likelihood of achieving the external outcome. I have to let go of the desired outcome in order to acquire it.

What a paradoxical, strange, but exciting way to live. :)

 

[bjorb]

[quote author=Paradigma]Well and then it starts I wonder what do women think about me? Do they like me? Does this particular girl like me? Why didn't she respond to my eye contact? Did I do something wrong? Am I not manly enough? Am I not funny enough? What's wrong with her?[/quote]

Ever asked yourself that this struggle of yours, this wanting for approval. Only fit’s into assuring Ego to it’s place for comfort. Apparently you demand those things from them.

Not that I am all that pure, Sometimes I am also afraid as how girls will think about me. –



But to add mine view of falling in love :P

I think that I can fall in love of those who possess soul-quality. Who search for that.

To explain that – Those who do not let there life’s rule for Internal reasons:

- Since those people can only view you as an instrument which they can add to there own

- They want to possess you since it fur fills there story of self-importance.

- Those things they think are special about you. It’s only a reflection on how those things can make them special.

I find people who let there lives rule by this not attractive.


I cannot love that. But I do love for what they are. What they can become. Themselves.

But there currents state is something I despise. Not meant in a Judgmental way. But as observation.


I think I can fall in love with people who realized that true happiness is focused external.

That means, living without identification, anticipation or any effort into being a slave to the thoughts of how every action reflects on there own state of specialness.

People who can truly share there energy, and enjoy that. For those who work on themselves, trying to find there soul.

That’s what I think is truly beautiful.


- I don’t know of my story can help. I though it could contribute into the search what Love really is – and we need to realize that since it seems the only option so that we can Love ourselves and others.

 

[Paradigma]

Thanks for your responses.

[quote author=need-another-nick]Thank you, Paradigma, for you participation! Your thoughts really helped me seeing things![/quote]

I had to, this topic is propably the biggest one I can think of at the moment. It's causing me disturbances since years.
Well I didn't write down all of my thoughts cause I thought hardly anybody is interessted in and actually I don't want to think about it very much anymore but it's time something has to change so let's begin.

When I was at the age of 10 I was pretty arrogant and very self-assured. I had good marks in school and thought I was sooooo intelligent and liked. By the way, I had good marks because my mother learned with me, not because I was so intelligent but I didn't know the difference at that time.
When I went to Gymnasium (I believe it's high school or college in the US) I had to start to make new friends an with being arrogant it's a little bit tricky. Then puberty began, I started to wonder why I don't have so many friends and why I don't get along that well with the others from my class. To realize the answer is they don't like me because of my arrogant behavior was very shocking to me and I started to question my whole character, cause actually everything I did and spoke was influenced by this arrogance. From that moment on I got depressive which intesified till I was medium to heavy depression. I was 16 years old and it lasted till I was 18.

With thinking a lot about me and what do I wrong that others don't like me, with constant work and change of my character I managed to become more accepted and got along with others much better.
I started to read books about spirituality and with the help of a Yoga book I learned to do meditation. At one meditation, that I can remember as it would be yesterday something happend to me and I got rid of my depression at once. Depression is a low energy state and this lack of energy was compensated at one strike. Even my thinking changed pretty much. When I got up in the morning my first thought wasn't anymore how much life sucks and that I wished to be dead, instead there was hope.
From that day on life changed more or less rapidly. As I said, I learned to get along with others and I became more happy.

But being depressive for nearly 3 years and being so young produces a lot of negative expectations about oneself and about world in general. These thoughts were still here but they only occured in a state of dissapointment, so to say if my energylevel dropped for instance cause of a bad or an offence. I think I regarded gaining the friendship to a girl the best evidence for me that I succeeded in becoming more accepted in my enviroment. So I put in some extra efford into that and well, when I had many female friends but not a girlfriend. So this was the next step for my ego to go for. Then I had this funny ability to nearly always look for girls those having mental problems or were just to wild for me.

At that time I always became the good friend who always listens to the problems of others but to say it with the words of an annorexian person "I don't eat where I puke".
But rethinking this I believe I can be glad I had no relationship to a girl with mental problems! :)

However, I questioned myself so deeply but from the point of internal considering, respectively from external considering changing to internal considering that I take negative reaction towards me too often personal.

I worked really hard on not taking things personal and it got a lot better. So to say I don't get down easily by that but I start to analyse so much why thinks happen as they are and sometimes this thinking still becomes internal considering that leads me to the conclusion I think too much.
...reading the upper sentence... sounds a little bit contradictory, well perhaps it didn't got that better but it changed...
I got definitly calmer and relaxt.

One and a half year ago I met a girl who was working at the same shop as I did and I was very fond of her from the beginning. After a while of trying to get closer to her I gave up on her and suddenly she wanted to have sex with me... Not love, nor deeper friendship... Well I was of course damn happy and I told her that I never had sex before and that made her even more determined to do so...
At that time I read "The Wave" and the stuff about psychopaths and the more I had to do with her the more I had the feeling she is one or at least the most narcistic person I ever met. But she was damn charming.
I also read the stuff about the little tyrannts and I tought she could be one and I can handle her. I couldn't
She even told me that she just want to have sex and not more... I agreed but lost my heart to her.
Psychopath or not, she never lied to me but she played with me. Luckily she never humiliated me but she ripped my heart more than once.
Since then I decided to accept what happend and to get over it.
She is obviously not the person I can love.

The person I can love... this brings me to the most recent event.
I started last year my education for physiotherapy and the mother of a classmate of mine can seemingly see aura. I went to her and she told me alot of stuff among others that she can see a girl in my aura that looks like that and that and does like me very much. I named a couple of names and at a paticular one she agreed. This girl is also in my class and she is very nice. That woman who claims to be able to see aura also said that this girl does realy like me and that she can see, she and me HAVE to be together, either in one year or in ten it's quasi "fate".
Before I went to her I also had the impression this could be true but afterwards I looked for clues and I didn't find any. So this damn fucking thought that this girl is THE ONE triggered this damn programm "I have to get a girlfriend" and I started to consider her more and to show her more of my interesst.
I can now see what went so wrong, so damn wrong. Now I'm mad it's so easy to trigger such a program...
Well at least , she didn't want any money...

 

[Paradigma]

[quote author=bjorn]I think that I can fall in love of those who possess soul-quality. Who search for that.[/quote]

Yes actually I also look for that but that women told me, that this girl can help me with my souldevelopment and I can help her too.

[quote author=bjorn]Ever asked yourself that this struggle of yours, this wanting for approval. Only fit’s into assuring Ego to it’s place for comfort. Apparently you demand those things from them. [/quote]

A part of me definitely hopes to get approval from this, another part wants to feel the connectedness. I wouldn't says it's just ego or egoistic, I really want to give back. But considering the upper statement of me, one could say I wanted souldevelopment of her. But I think it's rather feeling the love of another person in an intimate way.

[quote author=bjorn]- Since those people can only view you as an instrument which they can add to there own

- They want to possess you since it fur fills there story of self-importance.

- Those things they think are special about you. It’s only a reflection on how those things can make them special. [/quote]

That's exactly the case with that girl I talked about who wanted me, for reasons of self pleasure. At first it was kind of mutual intereset but later I wanted more from the relation and gave pretty much to her but didn't get back much, just that much for me staying close to her but not being able to reach her.

[quote author=anart]Perhaps it comes down to the whole basic idea that is illustrated in using the word 'women'. I've noticed most of the posts in this thread mention, in one way or another, the idea that 'women don't like me' or 'I'm not confident with women' - why is it plural? Why is it 'women' in general? Not only is saying 'women' basically objectifying, as if all women just like one type of person, as if all women are the same - but, it seems to me that anyone, male or female, is likely looking for 'one'. One women, one man, who 'matches' them - who is like them and on the same path and interested in the same things and who will enjoy sharing a life working toward the same goal. It strikes me that when people generalize this idea into 'women' (or men) that they then exchange their own individual tastes/interests/path/goals for general society's 'tastes/interests/path/goals' and that's when it all goes wrong.

In this 'exchanging' one loses their own qualities and goes chasing after qualities that society says are important to 'attract women' - instead of focusing on who they are (finding out who they are!) and doing what they love and what is in them to do, where they will find a woman (or man) who is doing the same and they recognize each other.[/quote]

Good point, I feel you're right about that. Propably this generalization was strengthend by triggerin this program.
Thinking about that, I realize that I don't have this problem all the time but sometimes and if this happens I apply that problem to all situation.

I see now, then I'm present I interact with people as they are, but if I forgett myself I'm acting out, trying to show off. I want them to like me, I want their energy... mostly or mainly from women...
Pretty freaking, if you think that you get more and more present and then recognize how much unconcious you are most of the time... :D propably a step further to the right way.
[quote author=Bud]
A focus on the process and intrinsic qualities of an activity reduces the likelihood of stress, anxiety and depression (thus eliminating their negative impact on performance), increases the presence of joy during the process, and thus increases the likelihood of achieving the external outcome. I have to let go of the desired outcome in order to acquire it.
[/quote]
I do understand that but at the moment my thinking is too much to be able to focus...

I think, I need some movement now...


Thank you need-another-nick, anart, Bud and Bjoern for your help and also thank you all who participated in that thread it helps me so much! :)
And I'm really loocking forward for new comments, because I reallize how much assitence I need!

 

[AdamJM]

Long story short - chasing after 'women' - through the societal lens of what attracts 'women' is setting oneself up for failure, since until you Know who you are, you won't know who you love - and if you focus on what is in you to do, what is in front of you to do right now, then you'll likely not have time to worry about finding love anyway, and it will find you. fwiw.

Spot on!

I gave a similar response to a friend the other night when i was on the receiving end of a 'why are you single?' inquiry. I just replied that i dont consider myself ready, as the majority of things that i seem to be attracted to, are quite likely not what i truly need. For instance, i may say 'hey, im looking for a girl with blonde hair', but in fact what i really need is some one i can get along with and share a laugh, somebody im actually compatible with.

I know a few of my fiends, even though they say that they admire it, secretly look down at me for being single. I even found out through a third party that one mate was out right mocking me. Which at first made me feel insulted, but when i look at his situation and the way his partner controls his every move, i began to realize that maybe waiting for that right girl is better than staying with someone who is not right for you just because its convenient. At the end of the day, if i had rushed straight into a relationship i may never have got to the point i am now, where i feel like i actually know who i am. And, thanks to the help from this forum i feel that i am at that point where i could be in a mature relationship with that special someone...... if and when i find her.

cheerz, Ad

 

[Nathancat7]

Menna said:
Its tough to try and solve the original problem because you don't know the right way to go about it and you don't wan't to give up what you have worked for even though it isn't the right work it still required time and effort.

This is another way to justify holding on to something that is no longer needed if one recognizes that something is wrong - that they are on the wrong path one should not make excuses to justify it - they should seek ways (Knowledge) to fix the problem and find the right path. That’s why I believe it is BS

Menna I know that, but I didn't think it was bs because it was so human and understandable and it would really worry if you didn't say that it was tough.... Peoples posts following this do an excellent job of explaining why.
And also I was acknowledging that being able to invest time and effort are necessary for self growth.

 

[Cecilfb4]

"I have to have a girlfriend, all of my friends are in relationship"

Question: Does this belief liberate you are limit you???
Society sells us products that will make us more attractive so we can find a mate because "Everyone must be in relationship"
Your mom, your friends all think "you should be in relationship"
It is programing plain and simple and we are all programed to one degree or another. This program I have worked on and feel I am largely past it. I do not need have this or that...just because society, my family, my best friend or the guy on the street says I should. I know so many people who had to be in relationship and are not happy, why? They are not with that person because they love them. again it's programing......or how about this one, I must be married. Same thing....This one is a biggie for females.
I am not in relationship why?, because I have not found anyone that I truly want to be with in that close initmate way. So why am I going to fake it and be with someone just because I have this "I must be in a relationship, belief. I am not allowed to be alone and feel good about it. I am not allowed to wait till someone comes along that really excites me. If you can't be alone and be OK with it, most probably their is a limited belief hiding somewhere that needs to be looked at.
It is time to examine all our beliefs that limit and do not give a person permission to be where they are and be ok with it.
I hope I never have to hear this one again, it has gotten so old for me. It is the end of the cycle trust me it is not going to matter if you have a boyfriend or not, it's your frequencey that is going to count.
Nuff said.