Why are you single?

[shijing]

Hi Paragon --

So I seem to have this STS desire to go out and 'live life', instead of being happy with what we have together, and what we had together was great. I feel like I need to get that side of myself out of my system before I can truly commit to a relationship with someone because I've always had a girlfriend since I was 13 ( now 20) so I've not had the chance to really be 'single'

So I guess I'm wondering what is the right option in this situation? Do I go back with her , a girl I still love (or so I think) or do I get it out my system before I cheat on her?

If you really feel you have to choose between the two, then I feel that the most responsible and loving thing to do would be the latter. It is much more considerate to tell her upfront that you feel this is something you need to do and let her make her own choices about how she wants to proceed, than it would be to try to hang on to your relationship with her, knowing that you would cheat on her. You run the risk of losing her by doing this, but you allow her the freedom of deciding what's best for her, with all of the facts laid out, while you do the same. The way I see it, trying to stay with her while "reserving the right" to cheat on her abrogates her free will, and is only going to complicate and potentially poison your relationship as you try to have your cake and eat it too. Have you tried to put yourself in her shoes? If she were the one who needed to sow her oats, how would you want her to deal with you? FWIW, and I hope this helps.

 

[Oxajil]

I'm now single for reasons that I'm not entirely sure yet and I fear I may have not thought about it through in an objective way.

I had been going out with my girlfriend for 2 years and she was a lovely, laid back and mature person for her age (19) and we really clicked together. We hardly ever fought and when we did it was infrequent. We went through a period of arguing alot ( probably feeding on each other), but this was before I knew of the work. After I found the work, the fighting stopped and we could point each others faults and mistakes so that we could function better. The was a lot of communication in this relationship too, and I feel that we were doing great. Until I started to have this 'missing' out feeling and not feeling as committed to the relationship as she was herself. I know that it is an illusion, that of the 'single' life and I know that it is a shallow life too.... but I can't seem to ignore it.

So I seem to have this STS desire to go out and 'live life', instead of being happy with what we have together, and what we had together was great. I feel like I need to get that side of myself out of my system before I can truly commit to a relationship with someone because I've always had a girlfriend since I was 13 ( now 20) so I've not had the chance to really be 'single'

So I guess I'm wondering what is the right option in this situation? Do I go back with her , a girl I still love (or so I think) or do I get it out my system before I cheat on her?

Thank you :)

Hi Paragon,

I think it's better if you do not go back to her and continue doing your reading, practicing the Work, observing and participating here. It is very probable that when you get involved in a relationship again, this feeling of 'wanting to be single' might pop up again and your partner will probably suffer from that (as well). So the best thing would be to analyze yourself first and do some Working on yourself.

You can for example use your experiences that you've gained from your relationships or other kind of information from your life to understand your machine better and the people around you. But for this you need knowledge of the machine first and ask feedback from the forum.

And when you are sure that you want to be in a relationship, maybe that's when you could make a decision like going back to someone. But then you have to also keep in mind, who it is (in you) who wants it and why. (If this doesn't make much sense I advise you to read In Search of the Miraculous by P.D. Ouspensky)

So I seem to have this STS desire to go out and 'live life', instead of being happy with what we have together

Both being in a relationship and feeding off of each other as living the single life and feeding off of others are all acts of STS as we are STS by nature. However we can strive to be more of service to others and the Wave offers more info on this as well as this forum.

 

[anart]

So I seem to have this STS desire to go out and 'live life', instead of being happy with what we have together

Both being in a relationship and feeding off of each other as living the single life and feeding off of others are all acts of STS as we are STS by nature. However we can strive to be more of service to others and the Wave offers more info on this as well as this forum.

Yep, and I would suggest that if you have something you feel you 'need to get out of your system' that you don't really love her anyway. She deserves a chance to find someone who can actually love her. If you loved her, the furthest thing from your mind would be 'going out and living life' because she would be your life. You're only 20, though, so it's not expected that you would know what love really is - however - it is expected that you at least try to not hurt others just to get your own needs fulfilled. fwiw.

 

[Windmill knight]

So I seem to have this STS desire to go out and 'live life', instead of being happy with what we have together

Both being in a relationship and feeding off of each other as living the single life and feeding off of others are all acts of STS as we are STS by nature. However we can strive to be more of service to others and the Wave offers more info on this as well as this forum.

Yep, and I would suggest that if you have something you feel you 'need to get out of your system' that you don't really love her anyway. She deserves a chance to find someone who can actually love her. If you loved her, the furthest thing from your mind would be 'going out and living life' because she would be your life. You're only 20, though, so it's not expected that you would know what love really is - however - it is expected that you at least try to not hurt others just to get your own needs fulfilled. fwiw.

My thoughts as well. If you really loved her, your only concern would be doing what is best for her, but the way you frame your dilemma shows that at this point you are only concerned about you: 'should I go and have fun on my own or should I let this girl make me happy, at the risk of cheating on her?' If you want to learn what love is, you should begin by making it your priority not to hurt other people - this girl or any other. Since you seem invested in 'living life', the only way to not hurt her is to set her free.

But then you have another problem: you don't really seem to want to be single, but to be free to have as many casual relations as you want (which is why you said you are afraid of cheating on her). So what other girls will you hurt in the process? Casual relationships are a formula to hurt or get hurt, or both. Or rather, it is the attitude of using others for your own pleasure that brings pain one way or another. Perhaps you want to experience that anyway, but be aware that there is a price to pay.

On the other hand, if I am wrong and what you really want is to experience being truly alone, then I see nothing wrong with it. If you take that seriously and learn to live without feeding on others, you may grow to the point of one day being ready for real love, or something closer to it.

 

[Paragon]

Thank you for the replies , they are a real eye opener. It seems that this is one 'part' of myself, one of my many 'I's , that has great control over me and I didn't even know it. Its a great lesson when you think you have a 'grip' on your inner machinery and you think you know yourself, when it is mirrored in this way. Unfortunately my ignorance of my own machine, has led me to this situation because I should know better after all I've read, than to give in to the STS dynamic , external influences , and to let those influences condition me to well...act STS. This is a sobering thought. I felt a lot of pain when my girlfriend was upset, she was crying and it was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced because I have been in that situation myself and I know how sick one can feel when a relationship is at an end. I was thinking I wish I could help her not feel sick, not feel lost and upset but upon reading what has been said here, I love her enough that I want her to be happy, and for my selfish self to not hurt her anymore, so this has to happen.

I need to 'fix' my self, or more accurately, understand my machine and probe why I am being influenced by these external influences, so that one day, I can eventually serve others better than I attempt just now. Its a hard road but its one that I have to take, because I have come a little further today and tomorrow I may take two steps backward, but I will drive on. I will drive on because it is the right thing to do. I will not contribute to evil in this world, for I know it is the path that I am not. I may have lost this battle but I'm not losing the war. I'm just so glad this forum is here, I have learned so much about myself, and there is so much more to be discovered, so thank you to everyone in this community here for being brave enough to discover their true self , and in that discovery, you have all helped me and everyone else that is here! This is a lesson for me, to take a real good look inside, to really clear the 'scrap metal' out and make a difference.

 

[Andrew M.]

Paragon -

I feel your pain, my situation is close to yours only mine was based off of two people's like needs. I put my foot down just a couple weeks ago and I miss what I thought I had every day. In my opinion, at this age it's hard to find real relationships where you can establish solid connections with people, wether it's a friend, parent or sibling. In this matter, the matter of finding a life partner that you feel the need to share in their soul as much as they do yours, well, that's a bit harder my friend. If you were to ask me I would say that this may be a great learning experience for you, another step to finding what you're looking for and I hope this doesn't discourage you from looking in the future. For now, take some time to know yourself better, the world is different all the time, maybe you havn't asked yourself the right questions in a while, and maybe you need to answer these questions before you decide to look again. For what it's worth, this is what I'm trying to do and it has helped to ease the pain and learn a few things about myself, maybe it will help you also.

 

[truthseeker]

I'm single too and have been for a long time; at 41, I have also never been married. I have done lots of work on myself and it's interesting because I find the more work I do in releasing my programs, the HARDER it is to find someone I'm compatible with. Simply because it makes it so blaringly obvious how many challenges the majority of people have in continuing to run their programs and their unwillingness to let go of their 'rightness'. And even trying to get into a relationship with someone using one's expertise and growth usually backfires. Case in point. I was discussing my feelings regarding an upset I was experiencing and said something along the lines of, "I feel ____ when ____ bc (whatever it was)". I thought that was a gentle caring approach to letting the other know where I was coming from. To which he replied mockingly, "I Feel _____" Who TALKS like that?" needless to say that was a very short lived relationship.

Maybe we should start a Cassiopaea dating relationship here since we're all so conscious and COOL. ;D (Don't worry, I am completely kidding!)

 

[Menna]

Paragon - I believe you did the right thing by telling her what is happening and how you feel. People change and one person today will be a different person tomorrow. Even if we don't want to change it happens. It is great that you recognized this program/feeling in yourself, told your gf and that you were honest. I hope she understands where you are coming from and if not today im sure one day she will.

Personally I have never been in a casual relationship so I can't say from experience but from the outside looking in the casual relationships that I have known do not work out in the long run. If you are just looking for a good time and to have fun by all means have at it - sometimes people have to experience things for themselves before they realize that is what they DONT want. If they didn’t experience then they will say things like "I wish I" "I could have" and they will live with regret. Remember everyone will have a different definition and idea of what "Live Life" means. TO some it might mean going to the movies or museum with the one they love to others it might be going out to a bar getting drunk and sleeping with someone they have never met. Who is to say one way is wrong and one way is right. FWIW I do think you and the girl you were with have something special even though you have gone to work on yourself you don’t have to completely let her go. This break might even strengthen your relationship.

 

[Approaching Infinity]

Personally I have never been in a casual relationship so I can't say from experience but from the outside looking in the casual relationships that I have known do not work out in the long run. If you are just looking for a good time and to have fun by all means have at it - sometimes people have to experience things for themselves before they realize that is what they DONT want.

I think it's important to keep in mind that it's common in "casual" relationships for each partner to have a different idea of what that means, and this can lead to heartbreak. At least in the relationships I've observed (and one that I was in myself), one person is convinced it's just "casual" while the other longs for something more, and may even believe there's something more. And it's painful when this realization becomes clear. Hurt is the inevitable result when we engage in relationships not fully knowing ourselves, and the person we are with. Of course, in some cases this can be worked through, in others probably not. But something to always keep in mind, asking "Can my actions now, done out of ignorance, result in hurting another later?"

 

[cubbex]

So what about the polar beings, I have read about it in one article. And there it is a big kind of explanation of a lot of things, it had helped me but, there was confusion about this.

Are there polar or complementary souls?
If someone here have met one, what happen when one met a soul that complements, how does it feels??

In the article says that there are not just one complementary soul, so a complementary sould could be a friend? someone from your family? or it really has to be someone from the oposite sex and being really a complement

I don't know how to write it in english, thats my problem.
There is a session when Laura talks about, what with love, and the cassiopaeans give a big answer, but I didn't get it. Being honest I am one of those youngs that has suffered for what people could call being in love, but I ask myself, is that being in love, to just suffer...

 

[Cyre2067]

A few things

I'm single because I'm not yet the person I want to be.

:) I can't help it. Your post inspired me to look at it from a slightly different point of view. So you decided to not play the game until you have developed your ideal self. That's an interesting point of view.

You misread me, I'm not quite sure I've 'quit' the game so to speak. I still talk to my ex, there's a lot of baggage there, it's complicated. However I'm moving to space inside my head and heart where I can see that us dating is a lie. It's not real, and while part of me wants what I thought I had with him another part, higher perhaps, knows that what we had was a lie.

Hooking up with really cute guys was also a past-time, but now the fun is gone. It feels empty, hollow, like eating empty calories and it no longer satisfies. Perhaps I'm growing up. It's also impossible to do without getting emotionally twisted inside or twisting someone else, unless you delude yourself completely to the point of believing your own lies. I only know because I did it for so long.

Unless you feel, naught will you ever gain. - True, but only if what you feel is real. There's a lot you can feel that is straight up brain-chemical-lies.

The alternative is to move from one fake relationship to another, with nothing to truly give because you have nothing real inside you. The alternative is to move from one feeding situation to another, building your false self, hurting your real self, the entire time while you dream you are loving when you never even approach love's doorstep. I cannot imagine a more horrific existence.

It may sound strange, but this is something I had to experience myself, to see it in my life via direct experience, before I could viscerally understand it. It's one thing to read the words, another to see it in your life. To feel the hollow inside you grow and feed off one person while another comes along and feeds off you. This is how most of us 'date', and we consider it normal.

So I seem to have this STS desire to go out and 'live life', instead of being happy with what we have together, and what we had together was great. I feel like I need to get that side of myself out of my system before I can truly commit to a relationship with someone because I've always had a girlfriend since I was 13 ( now 20) so I've not had the chance to really be 'single'

So I guess I'm wondering what is the right option in this situation? Do I go back with her , a girl I still love (or so I think) or do I get it out my system before I cheat on her?

Thank you :)

Live it. This is one big school and we learn best via direct experience, osit. That said, it behooves us all to continue to continuously input knowledge, to network, and to practice EE. I think you may benefit by doing what I did - dating until you get your heart thrashed, or thrash another's and feel, viscerally, the consequences. Be yourself and see how far that gets you, in time you'll come to see that who you are is not who you want to be.

I need to 'fix' my self, or more accurately, understand my machine and probe why I am being influenced by these external influences, so that one day, I can eventually serve others better than I attempt just now. Its a hard road but its one that I have to take, because I have come a little further today and tomorrow I may take two steps backward, but I will drive on. I will drive on because it is the right thing to do. I will not contribute to evil in this world, for I know it is the path that I am not.

So you've gotten a taste of it, the pain you can cause and that others can cause you, but I don't think you've grokked that this pattern, this experience can only repeat until you grow. Thus if you feel the need to 'sow your wild oats' - do it. But remain mindful that you're being driven not by anything real, but by your false self and your programs. You will tire of it, or not.

AI hints at this in his post above.

So what about the polar beings, I have read about it in one article. And there it is a big kind of explanation of a lot of things, it had helped me but, there was confusion about this.

Hi cubbex, I would say forget about them. Sure they may exist, but to latch onto the idea is to potentially believe a lie. It's a lie you'll sell yourself when you meet your 'polar opposite' or 'soulmate' and there have been numerous examples in the literature of what a 'lovebite' can do to someone on the path. It's much more trouble then it's worth. When you're ready, it will happen, but to know thyself is to know when one is ready and when one is not.

 

[Faith]

You misread me, (...) Unless you feel, naught will you ever gain. - True, but only if what you feel is real. There's a lot you can feel that is straight up brain-chemical-lies. (...)

:P Wouldn't be the first time... ja, that's true. There is a huge gap between 'what you think' and 'what you do', what you think you are doing and what you do without thinking -- theory and practice. I am barely scratching the surface of this knowledge- and being-thing. Talking about these complicated concepts is fascinating -- it's fun. Sometimes it feels as if I had understood these things, if I mastered it, but only in my imagination. It seems easier to write about it than to be it. It's like "Don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk!" I make a fool of myself, if I do anyway. But if I see the real fool, real lessons can be learned.

 

[Faith]

...and I guess, the real fool is only visible to the network, isn't he? :P

 

[Menna]

I don't know what to call it maybe there are polar opposite and soulmates but I definitely connect better with some females and not the same with others - Its also very annoying when you connect very well with someone who has a bf. I too wonder if there are soulmates or polar opposites. I don't sit on my couch waiting for them but it would be nice to know if there is a possibility that they are out there.

 

[cubbex]

:) Thanks a lot pull, I'll fallow the word.

Ok thanks. I have thought about the love bitte article, because I it is true, you kind of (superficially) fall in love for someone, but know that it is not real love is some kind of... not free will election, because I am aware that I am not really in love.

So thanks.