Yin and Yang

Just want to know if these stops or if this is something I have to just live with.
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Personally, I can't see it ends. It for me is a question of all or nothing.
The more you get the more is required.
G: When remorse comes without self-love, it gives us the desire for something better. But when it is mixed with self-love, it weights you down. The effect of true remorse is hatred of yourself, repugnance toward yourself. These two things make up true remorse of conscience.

Dr. A: One time when I felt it I was nauseated, literally.

G: You have to feel a lot of that in order to kill your enemy. When you feel this depression, you should do the "I am", then you needn't be afraid of becoming more depressed. Only through this impulse can you transcend your nothingness. You should rejoice that an impulse has awakened in you a real will to change. You must not stand on ceremony with self-love. Self-love is your greatest enemy. One must punish oneself mercilessly against this filthy creature. Not only you - but everybody. The feeling or remorse can make reparation for all things, all the mistakes of our parents, of your educators, your childhood companions. You must acquire the inner freedom which will make you worthy to become a candidate for future man. My dear doctor, this is what I advise and it is a very difficult thing. It is not pleasant, but that is not my fault. If you wish to have a future, try this in the present. The more you experience it, the more possibility you have for the future. You must succeed in bringing remorse of conscience to a point where it becomes hatred of self and hatred of your past, of your parents, of the upbringing you have had. Curse everything. Call upon your ideal to help you to bear the burden and to become worthy of it. On one hand you curse your past; on the other, in the name of your future, you give your word - as against this curse - to help them as much as you can. (Parents?) You must reach the point where conscience speaks mercilessly in you.
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It must be washed, soaked, cleaned to remove the salt. Afterward it can become jam. With the salt it is impossible. Remorse is that which removes the salt. This is what purifies. You understand.
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I agree to become what you will become a transformation is what will happen however I feel like I am being "washed" everyday maybe I need to go through this to remove all my impurities but I didn't expect it to be a constant transformation I thought it would happen once and then you have transformed and then you carry on this is not so for me.

If you wish to have a future, try this in the present. The more you experience it, the more possibility you have for the future. You must succeed in bringing remorse of conscience to a point where it becomes hatred of self and hatred of your past, of your parents, of the upbringing you have had. Curse everything. Call upon your ideal to help you to bear the burden and to become worthy of it. On one hand you curse your past; on the other, in the name of your future, you give your word - as against this curse - to help them as much as you can. (Parents?) You must reach the point where conscience speaks mercilessly in you
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I somewhat agree with this. In my first post I said I know the life I want and will have in a few years. The reason why I am confident I can reach this new life is because I do curse my past I don't want to ever go back and I am not that fond of where I am in the present I know I can do better for myself. What fuils me more then the hate I have for my past/narcassistic parents is the love I have for myself this creates the motivation to change my living conditions for the better. It not so much hate for the past because I understand the past the people places I went got me to this point however for me its more about realizing what I have put myself and others through with that knowledge I have taken responsibility for my past and its on me to take responsibility for the future .
 
There is nothing but lessons.

Its a funny thing isn't it. Years of study and work to reach a point in which we have certain expectations, only to reach that point which makes it seem as if all previous study and work were simply preparatory for this moment at which point the real work is to begin.

When I recognize this and really examined it, I found it to be quite funny. Guess I can say I was not sure what it was that I was expecting, but what I have found instead is really quite interesting.
 
In my opinion and forgive me if I'm way off but it looks to me Menna you're justifying what is basically a fear based on magical thinking. What you're saying is that because good always followed bad in your life, now you're in the good you're daunted by this inevitable bad that must come. Why must it come? It's not unique though many have this feeling of you can't have a good thing that lasts etc. Its in a way a belief that distances ourselves from being responsible for what we do and the choices we make.

But I feel its like saying that all this bad stuff in my life that is happening or has happened is just the result of some cosmic pendulum that we have no control of. I would say that's a cop out and that its more simple than that. There's probably a real fear coming up based on you experiencing a personal stagnantion of some sort. As if there's some steps, perhaps life changing you've put on the shelf and knowing they're there, on the precipice, you're feeling afraid and you're wanting a set of tools to take that fear away.

I suppose I could be jumping to conclusions, knowing little about you, however I'm pretty sure from reading what you've said that this pendulum thing points to something a lot more straight forward and personal to you.
 
There is nothing but lessons.
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Yes there are lessons but I don't believe there is more than "Nothing But"

Years of study and work to reach a point in which we have certain expectations, only to reach that point which makes it seem as if all previous study and work were simply preparatory for this moment at which point the real work is to begin.
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I can't say I didn't have any expectation the one main expectation that I had was to be closer to the truth because I realized how inconsistant/fake things were. I believe that my main expectation has been met I believe I am closer to the truth however this truth creates a reaction in me that I am wondering if will always be or does it fade away because I can live a "safe" "protected" life with the knowledge however I would like more peace in my inner state and this reaction that the truth invokes inside me doesn't allow for the peace that I want at this time.

When I recognize this and really examined it, I found it to be quite funny. Guess I can say I was not sure what it was that I was expecting, but what I have found instead is really quite interesting.
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I dont understand where you are coming from when you write this? What do you mean by what you "have found" can you describe it in words?
 
But I feel its like saying that all this bad stuff in my life that is happening or has happened is just the result of some cosmic pendulum that we have no control of. I would say that's a cop out and that its more simple than that
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If I was to just blame the universe and not take any responsibility why would I then feel responsible for my mistakes and feel sorrow for and regret them? If its out of my control why would I care? It so happens that I do care about my actions because I know that we humans have our part in life but on the other hand this cosmic pendulum is very real IMO and its a collection of both personal responsibility at your level of knowledge and the universe at work.

I am not asking for support or advice on my individual stories and it is true that a network does help because as I read the responses and read over my initial question I can dig deeper in myself to find out what I really want to ask.

In seeking the truth I believe that now I am coming across it more and more because of the knowledge presented here in the work and other cognitive psychology books as well as reading others experiences practicing EE and improving diet however when I come across the truth at times it creates an emotional reaction in me and when thinking about the truthfulness of my wrong actions I "feel bad" does this pass? i.e. I would like to be more care free but at the same time know the truth but I feel like the combination is like oil and water.
 
Menna said:
But I feel its like saying that all this bad stuff in my life that is happening or has happened is just the result of some cosmic pendulum that we have no control of. I would say that's a cop out and that its more simple than that
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If I was to just blame the universe and not take any responsibility why would I then feel responsible for my mistakes and feel sorrow for and regret them? If its out of my control why would I care? It so happens that I do care about my actions because I know that we humans have our part in life but on the other hand this cosmic pendulum is very real IMO and its a collection of both personal responsibility at your level of knowledge and the universe at work.

I am not asking for support or advice on my individual stories and it is true that a network does help because as I read the responses and read over my initial question I can dig deeper in myself to find out what I really want to ask.

In seeking the truth I believe that now I am coming across it more and more because of the knowledge presented here in the work and other cognitive psychology books as well as reading others experiences practicing EE and improving diet however when I come across the truth at times it creates an emotional reaction in me and when thinking about the truthfulness of my wrong actions I "feel bad" does this pass? i.e. I would like to be more care free but at the same time know the truth but I feel like the combination is like oil and water.
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Personally, I would say that when I feel bad it's sometimes a way to reduce the feeling of a deeper sadness about myself. It makes sense from a child's point of view, say being attacked by one's parent/s, the child would take on this attack by themselves - i.e. attack oneself beforehand so the parent doesn't have to, or the parent wouldn't need to as much. It's a strategy that I know I've held on to to protect myself from feeling judged by others, as I'm already judging and feeling guilty about myself already. In a way too it helps to bring back a sense of control, but I think it's clear how this program is debilitating, damaging and doesn't allow us to see as objectively as we might do otherwise.

In the end, I wasn't targeting you Menna about having magical thinking, I would just say there's an aspect of it in the way you appear (to me) to view this idea of ying and yang / pendulum. I know I've had plenty of magical thinking that skewed the way I've seen things in the past, and I know too that I was completely unaware of this at the time. It follows then that I still would have magical thinking to a different degree and that I'm still unaware about it too. If you do feel there's truth to what I've said, there's something worthwhile in it, if not and as I said if I'm completely off, then it's worth disregarding and I sincerely apologize if I've put you in the wrong light.

(edit grammar)
 
Unpleasant memories sometimes come up for me too. I think perhaps it's the subconscious trying to process the event in an effort to learn the lesson that's supposed to be learnt, or it's the etheric body trying to get it's energy back or something. I think it won't go away by itself if it keeps happening, maybe the memory will get buried or suppressed or something, but I think it'll come up from time to time if you don't do something about it.

I think unpleasant memories are like phantom monsters of the mind, you have to stare them down and then they just fade away, if you let them get you emotional then they will control your life. So I think what you need to do next time an unpleasant memory surfaces is grab onto it and don't let it go and try to experience every detail of the memory.

What I do then is something I stole from the Carlos Castaneda books, which might work for you. I just breathe in, imagining that I'm getting all the energy which I left at the time and place where the memory occurred, then I breathe out, imagining that all the energy that was left in me from where the memory occurred is returning. Then I breathe in and out again, but for some reason I can't hold the memory in mind as well the second time.

I don't know what the scientific explanation is, however. It might just be some sort of self-suggestion, but I've found that when the memories come up again they don't have the emotional impact that they had on me before I did the whole breathing mumbo-jumbo.

Hope this helps. :)
 
alkhemst - Any reply is useful and your made me realize that I have to describe my situation and the question better. When reading the forum I don't pay that much attention to titles yes its the initial hook along with who the topic is started by but as I read through the posts I don't really care about what the title was more so what the posts and replys say

Archaea -
but I think it'll come up from time to time if you don't do something about it.
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What is this "something" I do process the thought and the emotion this like I said then results in tears or heavy breathing if im alone. If in public I have the same feelings but dont show any outer effects. I will try what you say about imagine the energy I previously had during the process
 
What is this "something" I do process the thought and the emotion this like I said then results in tears or heavy breathing if im alone. If in public I have the same feelings but dont show any outer effects. I will try what you say about imagine the energy I previously had during the process
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The something I was referring to was the little grabbing a memory and breathing it out exercise. I've had some success with it so I thought I'd mention it in case it could help you. Another thought that crossed my mind is that if it has some bodily reactions, such as tears or heavy breathing, then maybe something you're eating is causing the reaction and is affecting your mind.

I found that when I eat eggs or drink caffeine, for example, it can make me feel a bit funny. If I then watch a movie or something the emotional parts can have a much greater impact on me than if I don't eat or drink these things. Because of this I figured I'd try sticking to the diet in this article from Sott, because it says that if foods are affecting your moods then you might have leaky gut syndrome and I figured that even if I don't have it doing the recommended diet can't hurt.

FWIW...
 
I practiced EE earlier today. During the first round of the 3 stage breathing I started to sob. During EE what was on my mind was why I have been feeling so sorrowful/melancholy for the past few weeks and this topic that I have started. Along with previous mistakes that I have made there is one that is causing me more inner turmoil then the others.

I objectively failed at my last relationship, I made mistakes with the person that I still have love for. I have failed at things before but they were either scholastic or athletic or professional endeavors things that only affected me never failed with someone I loved another person negatively affecting them. This is different because I made mistakes effecting another I have feelings for. I believe this is especially hard for me because I am not in contact with this person anymore and I still have feelings for her. Not that I think or want to be back in a intimate relationship but would have like to have kept a relationship going on some level I was not strong enough to handle the hurt and anger and didn't contact her after she broke up with me I wasn't mature enough. This has been tough for me to handle/realize and something wants me to really feel what is happening. Probably because it is very important to know the truth about what happened how I currently feel so that I don't make the same mistake again.

One thing that I have learned about myself is that if I love someone regardless of what they have done to me once the temporary feelings of anger and hurt subsides those feelings of love return or they were always there clouded by anger and hurt.
 
Menna said:
One thing that I have learned about myself is that if I love someone regardless of what they have done to me once the temporary feelings of anger and hurt subsides those feelings of love return or they were always there clouded by anger and hurt.
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Have you read any of the Narcissism Big Five books that are found here?

The problem you are facing now could be a reaction to something you have suppressed that happened to you while a child, or infant. The fact that you are so affected by the losing of this last love in your relationship and your emotional turmoil makes me think that there is something in your past that could be behind it all.

As far as the Work goes, there is no just doing it for a while and then being done with it. It is a way of life, as far as I understand it. The Universe is all about balance. You have good times and, then, you have bad times. The only way that I can see of not being conscious of what is going on and be only in a "feel-good" state, is to go back to sleep. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. You would probably still have the ups and downs, but your reaction to them may be different than they are now.

It's up to you which path you choose.
 
Yes I have realized that I have childhood wounding EE and the knowledge from books on this site have helped me realize this and I have watched myself shed some of these wounds obviously there are still some left


I have read these two books and boy o boy did the narcissistic family ring true to my upbringing and childhood

The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness2.1 - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
 
Yes I have read these two books

The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness2.1 - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman

A lot of the information in the Narcissistic family rang true for me

I know that I have childhood wounds, EE and the knowledge on this site have helped me realize and work past some of them obviously I have not realized/worked past all of them.

The only way that I can see of not being conscious of what is going on and be only in a "feel-good" state, is to go back to sleep. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. You would probably still have the ups and downs, but your reaction to them may be different than they are now.

It's up to you which path you choose.
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I have already chosen the pall I cant go back now wouldn't be able to cause more harm to people or myself unconsciously and be ok with that.
 
Menna said:
Yes I have realized that I have childhood wounding EE and the knowledge from books on this site have helped me realize this and I have watched myself shed some of these wounds obviously there are still some left


I have read these two books and boy o boy did the narcissistic family ring true to my upbringing and childhood

The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness2.1 - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
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Menna, I think the way you're talking about "shedding" your wounds makes it seem like you missed Nienna's point about the Work never ending. I don't think wounds, especially deep childhood ones can be "shed." They can be processed and maybe in such a way that they don't interefere as much with present functioning, but they will always be there. As has been said, we can't change the past, but we can work in the present in such a way that our view of the past changes, so that's kind of like changing the past (I think both Laura and Perceval have said something like this on the forum). It does seem that like Nienna said, you want to be done with this stuff once and for all. Can't blame you for that! Maybe body work or therapy would help.
 
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