Romantic Fiction, Reality Shaping and The Work

[Anamarija]

All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

Since this last book is still fresh, I would recommend Aimee even though there are a lot of characters in previous books that could be good examples, too.
I admired her from the beginning because she is very young but intelligent. She was talented enough to know exactly what people need come out of their cocoon. And she did it to everyone, not just Konrad.
The way she showed affection to Konrad from the start was so sweet and beautiful. Who will not fall for that?
But, she wasn't a toy to play with. She knew when is the time to redraw herself. So, I think she was very good in internal and external consideration which I think could be helpful for you.

 

[Anthony]

I lag behind so I'm still reading fantastic The Fallen Angels Series by Mary Jo Putney. I'm a little embarrassed because I've read over 70 novels and I'm not autistic but I'm not really sure I have improved myself. I got recently a feedback that I'm a low-maintenance woman and I don't like that people don't take me seriously, or my emotional needs. Just an example what happened to me earlier this year. I had a flu and I went to doctor. He didn't want to give me a sick leave but he did to my friend who also had a flu. I had to go like that to work and do the shopping. In condition that I was with fever I sat on a bench close to my home and called my son to help me with bags. A construction worker started hitting on me and I thought he wants to help me because he noticed I'm sick. He said something that I don't need to be out on such weather and that I can come to his place bla bla. When I got home and was washing dishes, I recycled the conversation in my head when my fever went down, I realized he was thinking I was homeless and was actually inviting me to move in with him . My doctor told me some years ago I'm a remarkable person and since that he sends me to work when I'm sick. Lots of people told me that I have admirable character but nothing good comes out of it. For me, for my needs, for my care.
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

Sophia from The Arrangement by Mary Balogh comes to mind, she starts out as being invisible to others and then grows into her own power and learns to assert herself, it's a great novel and very inspiring to see someone break out of a life long personality pattern. On the psychology side, what you've mentioned is most likely a reflection of how you treat yourself. For example, if you are invisible to yourself, not seeing, valuing, or listening to yourself, you might end up feeling invisible to others. This is not to discount that there might be people in your life that are purposefully using you or ignoring you, but if it's a repeating pattern over many relationships that you have with others, then looking at the relationship that you have with yourself is something that's needed, such as learning to give to yourself what you want from others, setting boundaries, prioritizing yourself at times, etc. If you're also caretaking (giving to get something) that's also something to examine. If you want to look into all of that, check out Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul.

 

[Mari]

All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

From the top of my head, try The Obedient Bride from M. Balogh.

 

[Mari]

Last night I finished Her Bridegroom Bought and Paid For by Alice Coldbreath, which I took quite emotionally.
....
So, next on the list is The Unlovely Bride with Lenora Montmayne.

Love to read your reviews, AM!

Btw, I´m pretty sure that after Her Bridegroom.... comes An Inconvenient Vow.
When you´re not sure, check GoodReads; i.e. Brides of Karadok Series by Alice Coldbreath


(Edited:)
Alice Coldbreath Vawdrey Brothers Book 1 Her Baseborn Bridegroom - Vawdrey Brothers Book 1
Alice Coldbreath Vawdrey Brothers Book 2 HIS FORSAKEN BRIDE - Vawdrey Brothers Book 2
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 1 WED BY PROXY- Brides of Karadok Book 1
Alice Coldbreath Vawdrey Brothers Book 3 AN ILL MADE MATCH - Vawdrey Brothers Book 3
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 2 THE UNLOVELY BRIDE -Brides of Karadok Book 2
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 3 THE CONSOLATION PRIZE - Brides of Karadok Book 3
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 4 HER BRIDEGROOM BOUGHT AND PAID FOR - Brides of Karadok Book 4
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 5 AN INCONVENIENT VOW - Brides of Karadok Book 5
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 6 THE FAVOURITE - Brides of Karadok Book 6

I managed to go trough first 2, and now I plan for the next 3 weeks on my vacation to go trough M. Balogh´s Under the Mistletoe (Christmas novels, of course ) and I found that I have No Ordinary Love already in my Kindle, so Christmas will be for Mary, then I´m back to Alice and Wed by Proxy.
Yay!

 

[Anamarija]

I lag behind so I'm still reading fantastic The Fallen Angels Series by Mary Jo Putney. I'm a little embarrassed because I've read over 70 novels and I'm not autistic but I'm not really sure I have improved myself. I got recently a feedback that I'm a low-maintenance woman and I don't like that people don't take me seriously, or my emotional needs. Just an example what happened to me earlier this year. I had a flu and I went to doctor. He didn't want to give me a sick leave but he did to my friend who also had a flu. I had to go like that to work and do the shopping. In condition that I was with fever I sat on a bench close to my home and called my son to help me with bags. A construction worker started hitting on me and I thought he wants to help me because he noticed I'm sick. He said something that I don't need to be out on such weather and that I can come to his place bla bla. When I got home and was washing dishes, I recycled the conversation in my head when my fever went down, I realized he was thinking I was homeless and was actually inviting me to move in with him . My doctor told me some years ago I'm a remarkable person and since that he sends me to work when I'm sick. Lots of people told me that I have admirable character but nothing good comes out of it. For me, for my needs, for my care.
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

Hey @Martina, I've been thinking about you and what you shared. Maybe you could write what's happening with you, if you like, and when you like, in your own thread.

Having my own thread feels very liberating and helpful, as it provides a safe space to express my inner thoughts. My experience was entirely positive, and I received wonderful, useful advice on the issue.

 

[iamthatis]

I lag behind so I'm still reading fantastic The Fallen Angels Series by Mary Jo Putney. I'm a little embarrassed because I've read over 70 novels and I'm not autistic but I'm not really sure I have improved myself. I got recently a feedback that I'm a low-maintenance woman and I don't like that people don't take me seriously, or my emotional needs. Just an example what happened to me earlier this year. I had a flu and I went to doctor. He didn't want to give me a sick leave but he did to my friend who also had a flu. I had to go like that to work and do the shopping. In condition that I was with fever I sat on a bench close to my home and called my son to help me with bags. A construction worker started hitting on me and I thought he wants to help me because he noticed I'm sick. He said something that I don't need to be out on such weather and that I can come to his place bla bla. When I got home and was washing dishes, I recycled the conversation in my head when my fever went down, I realized he was thinking I was homeless and was actually inviting me to move in with him . My doctor told me some years ago I'm a remarkable person and since that he sends me to work when I'm sick. Lots of people told me that I have admirable character but nothing good comes out of it. For me, for my needs, for my care.
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

A common theme in many of the novels is that the heroine is in a dire situation and doesn't ask for help until it's almost too late. This is usually because an independence program was installed in the past. Sometimes this is due to a horrible experience that leads to the belief that people just aren't trustworthy. Sometimes it is due to shame, and the shame is compensated for with a desperate need to prove oneself. Sometimes it's for what seems like a good reason - being subject to blackmail is one that I've seen a few times. Whatever the cause, the women can have trouble finding their voice, sharing their difficulties, and asking for help. But when they do take the risk of speaking up, everything changes for the better.

All that said, I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'inspiring' people to help you. It seems it might be too indirect? Do you have much practice in directly asking for help? This in itself can do some good deprogramming. It means admitting we have needs. Needs, terrible needs! So first, we gotta consciously acknowledge what our needs are. My therapist used to ask me this - what are your needs today? My false personality hated that question! Me? Needs?! How dare you insinuate that I'm the type of weak and pitiful person who has needs! Now I see the wisdom in it. So, what are your needs? Then, next question - how will you get those needs met? The answer is often through speaking your needs to others. That can mean asserting your right to sick leave, or telling a construction worker to go away. Or it can mean asking for help from others in a specific way to receive love.

As an example, I remember reading about a woman who was constantly frustrated on her birthday. She wanted to be celebrated, to celebrate her life with her loved ones, but most of the people close to her, including her husband, were nonchalant about birthdays. Every year she didn't truly ask. She had unspoken expectations, and just passively waited for her needs to be sort of telepathically understood and acted on. One year, she went direct. She told all of her friends and family exactly what she wanted - a party with a nice cake, pointy hats, singing and dancing and a good time together, or whatever it was. They all participated, and it was an excellent birthday. It may be more of a parable than a true story, but it stuck with me. It's the 'Ask and ye shall receive' principle.

FWIW.

 

[Anamarija]

@iamthatis, you should write a book.

Every time I read your post, I'm left eager for more.

 

[Martina]

Thank you my dear ladies and dukes. I was fighting last year and a big part of this one with depression, anxiety and rumination. My mind got regressed into a time when I was 10 years old and I was shamed as a school bully.

Spoiler

It was a financially hard time for my family and my mom was treating her anxiety by slapping me almost every day for a tiny mistake I would do, like I wouldn't write one letter perfect and I would get slapped. I slapped my best friend twice in some argument and she told that to a teacher and suddenly nobody wanted to be my friend anymore. Once, I was going alone from school and some big girl waited for me to slap me, probably someone from my class told her to do it as a revenge. My school grades dropped and I became the worst student in a class which gave my mom more fuel to slap me at home. I was sent to beg money in the afternoon in nearby buildings and didn't have time to learn more and I couldn't even focus. Also had to wash my clothes that mom got me from Red Cross because we didn't have money for a new washing mashine. Our water heater was also broken. I got my first anxiety attacks and when we went to my grandparents to get something to eat, I found in his closet, where I used to hide, a pineapple hand grenades, I was holding one in my hand and I wanted to pull that needle out and activate it but I heared voices that someone is approaching and I didn't know what would be the range of the explosion, would I harm somebody else as well which wasn't my intention. I was a big X Files fan at that time and my friend told me last year that we would stay late outside in summer, sitting on a hill between our buildings (she was my friend from kindergarten and stayed a friend with me during that period) waiting for aliens to kidnap us so we can prove that they exist. That was a stupid plan I came up with probably to escape my reality. It wasn't because of poverty but because of being hated and abandoned by almost everyone and seen as a bad person. Parents slapping and beating up kids was considered a normal punishment back then, it wasn't something school would interfere with. Shaming someone in front of the class and all kids looking at you as you are an alien was also a regular procedure. I went to college to be a teacher and I quit immediately, not just because I didn't have money, I could have earn some but I was afraid I would be a horrible teacher and I would cause the kids some harm. I slapped my nephew once when he was a small boy. I was 22 and I got to my hometown to deliver my son and I got my 5 year old nephew to take care of him as well. I got home to get some help with my son so I can study for exams because if I fail the year on new college I lose my college loan which I have to start paying off immediately. My older sister got divorced and left me with her son. He was very disobediant because basically he lost both of his parents and would run away from home and I couldn't chase him around the neighbourhood with a small baby. I failed a year and got into a financial mess. When I finaly graduated and we returned back into our hometown, I was raising my nephew by helping him in school, buying clothes, going to his PTA meetings, giving him part of the money for driving school. I was trying to make amends for reacting like my mom in stressful situation we had back then and I love him of course. I slapped my ex once when he forbid me to translate for SOTT. So this is a history of my phisically abusive behaviour. I tried to be the best friend possible in school and later on in life and a family member and coworker so I don't harm people and I'm not seen as damaged goods. I can't deal with the fact that I'm morally flawed, mean, intimidating, selfish. I don't have a career but in recent years I started to work with kids. I'm not afraid of harming them anymore. But because of the parents, I need to have a clean socal media profiles, just bland stuff also my interaction with people has to be that way, because I never know whom I going to work with in the future. So, I'm not interesting to people. I don't have opportunities to talk about myself, getting to know new people and I got bad at it. I forgot what I like because I just don't think about those things. So when I started to date a guy I liked for some time, I screwed that up and after 3 good weeks he decided to tell me something about his previous relationship and I insulted him and a woman that he was just recently dating and was in love with because I thought he was single all the time and interested in me. Why did I thought that at all since guys are not interested in me. That whole thing came to me as a shock, I felt stupid for thinking someone liked me and I reacted by being very offensive towards a woman I only knew rumors about. I just repeated them with adding some of my personality disorder ideas. I felt really dissapointed in this guy's taste for women which I stated clearly (but he seen something in her that he didn't saw in me), in my behaviour towards the whole situation, the guy started to see me as a red flag, I was suddenly a person that has no empathy for women that have been abused in childhood, probably seen as jealous at some beautiful, impressive woman and everything turned into a nightmare. I was bully again. And heartbroken. And I know that all of this is not a normal behaviour. He decided to give me a chance but he was handling me with gloves. He didn't fell in love with me, who could? So I can't expect someone to treat me better if they don't really like me and I can't be someone I'm not.

The fact that I was seen as this violent creature with mood disorder, which I am, triggered me rather hard because I haven't fixed that bug. I'm sorry for posting this here but I can't have a thread at the moment that I'm a bully, it won't help. I feel regret, but I can't change what I did or make someone like me more. I shouldn't insult people (or fictional characters) at all and have my special opinions.

 

[Jones]

Martina, there's a big difference between someone who lashes out because of stress, mistreatment or illness and someone who bullies because they enjoy causing suffering and having power over people. The difference is conscience, empathy and the ability to feel shame. If you're aware of the behaviour and you're changing it then that's all that can be asked

 

[gottathink]

The fact that I was seen as this violent creature with mood disorder, which I am, triggered me rather hard because I haven't fixed that bug. I'm sorry for posting this here but I can't have a thread at the moment that I'm a bully, it won't help.

Perhaps you can think about it more, I wasn’t physically abused as a child but I was ignored and left to my own devices. The emotional neglect resulted in a mind set that recognises what you wrote. There is only fear itself, have some faith, the FOTCM community genuinely cares for you if you will let us. I’ll give you time to think about it and maybe start a thread. I’d like to share a few things with you.

 

[Breo]

Martina said:
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that.

I can relate to growing up in a violent and abusive home. Maybe you can consider that this is courageous of you to have started to network about it. I find it very courageous to open up about it, to write about it and that you directly ask for help. You did it. That´s inspiring! Also - and I don´t know if this is correct or helpful - to write about all this pain, I feel it takes lots of exercising to learn to find the words to express all the fear and raw pain and figure it out through networking. My thoughts also were, maybe it will help that you give yourself time to write some more in a thread of its own to be able to receive.

 

[Anamarija]

There is only fear itself, have some faith, the FOTCM community genuinely cares for you if you will let us. I’ll give you time to think about it and maybe start a thread. I’d like to share a few things with you.

Dear @Martina, I'm glad you shared this with us.

I find it very courageous to open up about it, to write about it and that you directly ask for help. You did it. That´s inspiring!

I agree with others that it would be best to start our own thread, so we can all share our thoughts on your situation or discuss our own experiences, which could potentially be helpful to you as well.